I need to talk to figure some things out before I explode.
The thing I hate the most about socializing? The aftermath. There is always a price to pay.
At the moment I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and codependent. Maybe not codependent so much as the first three.
I don’t like it.
I didn’t want to go to the social event in the first place but I caved. The carrot waved in front of my nose was a reason to be there.
I said yes, as I often do. It turned out better than expected and I enjoyed being there with everyone but…
I wish I had control over triggers and the resulting reactions, but I don’t.
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With the over use of the word “I” you can tell this is all about me.
The thing is, it is but it isn’t.
It was easy to pick up on the awkwardness and the hurt feelings on why I haven’t been going to the monthly meetings.
I’ve tried to explain it is because of the emotional/mental space I am in this year.
I’ve tried to explain about this and the whole PTSD struggle influencing these decisions.
The trouble is it isn’t met with a real understanding of the issue, and why would there be when they have not experienced it personally.
And then there is the “you don’t look sick” assessment adding doubt of my reasons.
I feel bad I am making them feel uncomfortable and hurt. I’ve tried to say things in a way to leave as little hurt as possible. I feel like I’m not very good at achieving this goal. Maybe it’s an impossible goal.
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I’ve thought about telling them my story, more than the bits and pieces already shared. I can’t do that though. They don’t deserve to be saddled with hearing the devastating details of my life.
The worst thing about all of this is the domino effect. Suddenly I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and maybe even codependent in other relationships.
It all has me wanting to ….
I’m not going to name what I’m wanting to do …
Saying these things out loud could lead me to making decisions I would later regret.
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This too shall pass, it always does.
Will life look the same afterward.
Probably not, maybe not.
I don’t know.
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It’s impossible to walk through the fires of life and not win-some lose-some.
For the Love of Books 
Its a dance few know
I ventured out with a friend yesterday. Great drive and a nice meal in a crowded restaurant.
Our defense mechanism takes us on our check list. Know everyone around you, check for threats, surmise if I have been singled out
Then back to my table, my food, my conversation
It’s constant multitasking with simple situations
At our age it is near impossible to shut down the record playing over and over.
I can navigate but afterwards the mind wants to judge the price I will pay in bad thoughts
We wonder how to fit in, how are they judging us, am I ok
We are suspicious they know our vulnerabilities
We think we are broken since childhood
We try to hide it from others
I do
With all my work I never feel normal
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With certain people I can be relaxed, it’s afterwards when the doubt creeps in. Someone said — what other people think is none of your business. To a certain extent I’ve been able to truly not care what they think and it has been freeing. The problem for me later is mostly me judging and second guessing myself. I haven’t figured out how to quit caring about what I think of me and my actions.
I’m glad you took the chance to spend time with a friend.
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