Continuing PTSD conversation

Photo by PhotoMIX Company on

Things are changing.

This is but another small part in my story as an adult survivor of child abuse.

I’m going to jump right in and say that as a child I compartmentalized to survive. My mind took charge and was very careful about what thoughts were allowed to linger. For sure there were never any questions asked. Never any attempts to figure out the why. As an adult this practice continued for decades. The doors securely locked in the vault of my mind. In recent years things have changed and my mind has opened to the possibility of seeing and examining the truth. A very freeing experience, I’m finding.

Many moments of realization and insight are beginning to add up to something that feels huge and life changing.

Recently, I started reading a book that suggests that: the best way to figure out what your future should look like, you need to go back and write your story. The author makes the case that most of us have never looked beyond basic facts to see the heart of who we are and what makes us who we are. He suggests that if we ever did look back in this way we would begin to make different choices for our future. And we would be happier for it. I think he’s right.

I’m beginning to look at my life in this way and there have been some startling revelations.Today, I am thinking about how to write about it, as he suggested. I think it will take the size of a book to fit it all in.

This morning I’ve been basking in gratefulness for the latest clear moment of insight. It’s covers a part of my life I’ve never written about, and now that I see what a treasure it truly is – it needs to be fully explored.

If I could pick a song that expresses the current new stage of my life, this song would be it.

“I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day …”

“… I can make it now the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared…”


The song of my heart these days.

Bargain books February 11, 2023

We have a new and interesting book today. After reading the first two chapters I’m dying to read the rest of it… Next.

Unless I decide to walk away from my current read. It could happen. This author is one of my favorites so I can’t help but be excited.

Cold Dead Night (Brand of Justice Book 1)

The FBI betrayed her. Now they need her.

Private Investigator Kenna Banbury lost everything two years ago at the hands of a serial killer. From the ashes of that encounter, she’s built a life she believes in, searching for the lost and forgotten all over the western US.

Bringing her own brand of justice.

When a series of murders drags her into an FBI investigation, Kenna finds herself back in the place where it all went wrong. Struggling to make sense of the case, Kenna’s past and present collide in a deadly plot that risks another betrayal and threatens to shatter everything she’s built.

Kenna faces the darkest part of her past in this first book of a brand-new series from Lisa Phillips.


My current read is by an author who has been around forever, and I’ve never read any of his books. I know he is a good writer, evidenced by the millions of books sold. I also know this fact as a subscriber to his email list.

His current mission in life seems to be helping all of us become better writers ourselves and so the emails with helpful offers show up regularly.

I have taken some of his free courses but haven’t gone beyond that. I love writing (the noun version) and appreciate the time and talent that goes into awesome books. The trouble is I don’t love the idea of writing a book myself (I know you have figured out that’s the verb version.) These days I’m having trouble finding enough material to write a daily blog post never mind enough for a serious project.

Actually, that isn’t entirely true, about the blog post. Ideas and thoughts still cross my mind occasionally but it’s cluttered with too many other things going on in my life and the ideas die before I find a minute to really think about them.

I’m trying not to beat myself up about this too much and hang on to the hope that maybe next year will be a better year for a quiet and thoughtful mind.

The last twelve months have been quite the ride. I can’t say it’s even remotely been a bad year but it has definitely been consuming. Intense even. I’m hoping a move soon, closer to my daughter, will lay to rest some of the anxious what-to-do, what-to-do! thought patterns.

In the middle of all that tumultuous mindset, books help keep me sane. Maybe writing will help again too one day, somewhere far far down the line.

So lets get back on track here.

The current read, was…(I’ve already made the switch and I’m up to chapter six – must be attention deficit disorder I keep forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing here hahaha )

Dead Sea Conspiracy: A Novel

In this thrilling adventure, archaeologist Nicole Berman is about to discover the key to unifying three major religions—if a dangerous enemy doesn’t stop her first.

Archaeologist Nicole Berman is the first woman to be awarded a permit to lead a dig in Saudi Arabia. Nicole believes what she hopes to discover has the power to to rewrite world history. She assembles a team that will ultimately surprise – and in some cases – betray her. 

In a parallel storyline, readers are launched back to ancient Ur where young Abram is sent to learn from his forebears, who tell him firsthand stories of being on the ark during the Great Flood. 


Nothing against his writing. Subject matter is more likely the draw or lack of draw.

There is no accounting for taste. What can I say?

Hopefully this rambling post makes a little sense.

The next post will probably be books read.

Happy reading!

This and that January 19, 2023

It has been quite the day.

This have been a week for repair men. A new furnace to replace the one that quit. That was a big job.

One thing lead to another and the hot water tank had to be replaced as well. There were complications because of the updated regulations for exhaust pipes. It would be impossible to comply with the inadequate space available in the chimney, so we had to change from gas to an electric tank with simpler exhaust needs.

Isn’t that always the way? Fix one thing, that causes a chain reaction, and before you know it you are changing six more.

I have to say I am pleased with the new arrangement, though, especially the furnace. I had no idea the old furnace was doing such a poor job of heating the house. The difference in performance is staggering. It’s winter and I don’t have to wear as many layers anymore. How could I be unhappy about that?

The crew of guys doing all this work went above and beyond the call of duty to give helpful service. Their company policy is service oriented. It seems they have discovered the secret weapon for gaining customer loyalty. More businesses need to discover this secret.

Before the guys left they mentioned a special plumbing inspection price the company had going on at the moment. I couldn’t think of any major concerns but still, it sounded like a good idea.

Sometimes bad things lead to good things. Having the major expense of a new furnace and hot water tank didn’t feel like a good thing but if it hadn’t happened they wouldn’t have been here, I wouldn’t have known to ask for a plumbing inspection and in turn, would never have known the sump pump under the basement floor was no longer working.

If we hadn’t noticed this could have been a very bad thing. If a lot of water showed up in the spring melt and the basement flooded because the pump couldn’t carry it away, I shudder to think what kind of mess that would have been.

The downside, is having to spend all that money, the upside is priceless. Peace of mind that everything is in good working order. Expecting there will be no more middle of winter, or spring, failures, for a good long while.

Photo by Anete Lusina on

Now I just have to get used to all the new noises in the house.

What was that? runs through my mind more often than ever now.

This and that January 11, 2023

Spring will be here in a couple of days; do you realize that?!

Winter arrived in October, it’s now the middle of January, winter lasts six months around here, it’s clear to see by the way things are going that we will be mowing lawns again in a few short weeks.

The days are noticeably getting longer, which we are all happy about, but pretty soon we will be back to day-light saving time. We could do without that pain in the butt. They keep talking about getting rid of the time change but so far it’s all talk with no resolution.

In the meantime there is still a foot of snow on the deck. I used to shovel it off but somewhere in the last ten years I lost interest. Normally I have no reason to go out there so why bother.

Today though I need to bother. I left a couple of post caps that need to be glued back on, I left them sitting on the railing where wild wind and rain didn’t seem to bother them. The pile of snow eventually did. It has been sliding off into the garden and now the caps are tipping off with the snow. I’ll have to clear a path, albeit a short path, because my boots aren’t high enough to avoid getting wet feet.

This will be my first wild adventure of the winter. (Driving on slick early winter roads is not that big a deal.) Hopefully the snow ready to slide of the roof won’t take me out when I shake the deck. I’ll let you know if I make it back.

Photo by Mathilde Langevin on

More this and that. January 07, 2023

I took the plunge. It has taken a while to get to this point. I follow a number of people on YouTube and several of them start out their long form podcast there and then part way through takes it over to Rumble to finish. They encourage all of us to switch over with them (they were streaming simultaneously on Rumble to keep that audience up-to-date) so far, I’ve never followed along.

I’ve heard varying opinions on the site since it all started. I follow Dave Rubin pretty much every day and he is forever encouraging us to try it out. He and his brother-in-law started Locals as an alternative to YouTube and it seemed good but was lacking something that Rumble had so, they joined forces. On the front end they look separate but on the back end, in ways I don’t understand, they are connected and they are better together we are told.

Today I decided to check it out to see how it works. It appears they have come a long way. The setup is similar to YT and I was able to easily find people I wanted to follow.

They also promote videos they think you might be interested in. I like the way it works at this point and decided to sign up and stick around.

It’s easy to see they are looking for content providers because that is the first sign-up page we come to. The thought of making videos has crossed my mind over the last year or two but life has been consumed with family here visiting and the idea soon faded into the back ground. I’ll have to see if it will come back to the front and demand to be heard once everyone is gone.

One of the observations someone made today was that things seem to be freer on Rumble. Several popular contributors found their audience grew faster and larger there than it did on YT. The difference must be in the way they promote their subscribers.

Content is on my mind. By necessity it will have to be presented differently. It will take a lot of thought to figure this out. Maybe I should make the book focus smaller and my this-and-that thoughts bigger.

There are many subjects I currently avoid, partly due to the audience showing up on my site and partly due to worry over what is acceptable and what is not. I didn’t want to take a chance on being shut down.

I would probably attract a different audience over there and the allowances for differing opinions are better on Rumble/Locals.

Here’s a rabbit trail.

Whenever someone wants a certain group of people to be in unity thinking the same way, my favorite thought is always about the cars we drive, the sports teams we love, and the side of the sink we work from.

It makes me laugh because how many people do you know who love the same make of car, love the same sports team, and always wash dishes from left to right.

Fierce family feuds have developed over less than these three things. I think it’s hilarious whenever someone expects us to all think the same way, and be happy about it. There is a better chance of water flowing up hill.

All that to say differing opinions are inevitable, just like the resulting fireworks when opinions clash sometimes.

The raging battle in my mind is Ford or Chevy?

Never Ford!

I’ve owned a number of other makes but never a Ford. I’m proud of it but don’t usually say it out loud around the multitude of guys driving Ford pick-up trucks. They’ve explained why they make that choice but I still don’t get it.

I have to say, though, that I’m not very loyal to Chevy either. I think all six (or ten) of the cars I’ve\we’ve owned through the years have been different makes. I’ve even owned and loved a looked-down-upon Dodge. It was small and cute with a stick shift (or was it column) and went really fast. My favorite was a Mazda 626 but it met a sad end when it was kissed by an elk. Somehow, I ended up with the never-to-be-tolerated Oldsmobile. After 10 years I still don’t love it although I will admit it is a good ride and handles well in winter driving.

My son thinks it handles too well. He doesn’t live where there is winter. While he was here, he wanted to do some fish tailing, or maybe donuts, but the car wasn’t coopperating like he wanted it to. He loves my car; he keeps borrowing it.

I think I’ve pretty much exhausted that rabbit trail.

My car was similar to this but didn’t have the spoiler on the back or the vents on the hood. And it was a gold color. Mazda 626. And could it ever go on the hills. I loved that car. Vroom Vroom.

This and that January 06, 2023

It has been quite a day. A very good day actually.

It started out with signing of a renewal for my mortgage. Normally this would be fairly quick and easy but for some reason the process of signing was complicated this time. I have multiple devices but to my mind all of them had issues. Why can’t I print, wet ink sign, and scan. Eventually (a few days later) we got it done.

There was an upside to the struggle though. In the end some of the decisions were changed to something better and it was worth the hassle. Besides that, the experience of chatting with the bank representative was well worth the time spent.

Signing using the mouse left us with an interesting version of my signature. I guess the app doesn’t care, it just knows a signature has been applied.

At least it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Couriers have devices with such small awkward screens and those signatures were out of this world every time. I’d never have to worry about forgeries that’s for sure. It’s a good job we didn’t have to use them to identify the signor as me. lol

The next good thing in this day was having three muscled family members show up to install a new water softener device and then hang some drywall for a needed repair. It was a fun day. It took longer than the 2 hours originally estimated and I was happy with that. There are always challenges with these things and it sounded like the guys enjoyed working on it together.

The next while was spent on chores and work projects with a little reading thrown in and later some videos but now that the day is ending I’m missing having my kids here. (grown men but still my kids.) In all honesty, I’ve been preparing emotionally to have them gone but now I’m feeling it more than I thought I would.

My son will be flying back to his home on Monday, several thousand miles away, and it is another good bye. We’ve had three already as his boys left at different times, in different directions, and then his wife and daughter left on a flight home early yesterday morning. School was starting and she had to be there.

I was happy, I seemed to be taking all this in stride without any tears and figured I was going to do well this time. I guess it just took a little longer to hit me.

To fill in the time this evening I was watching/listening to videos and working on a puzzle.A black and white puzzle the rest of my puzzle loving family members were reluctant to work on for some reason.

One video was an interview with the author of a wildly popular book on developing good habits that will help us reach our potential. (the interviewer has a gift for asking great questions) (the intro to this video has an ad for materials related to church leadership skills but this interview does not address any of that. It is about successfully building an online presence.)

The second was a documentary about the life and career of Alan Rickman. He played the terrorist in the Die Hard movie with Bruce Willis. I had no idea he was so successful and broadly talented. (I watch this movie at least once a year, usually at Christmas. The perfect time 🙂 )

Both videos were lengthy and well worth the time spent. (I’ll add them at the bottom for you) And they helped me focus on the puzzle too – a definite plus.

I enjoyed the whole experience but was left wishing some of my puzzle loving family were here with me. I sent a wish you were here note on our group chat and expressing that thought was probably what caused the sadness to surface.

A good nights sleep will probably cure the worst of the lonely feelings. It has been a full day that’s for sure and a rest is in order.

I’ll share the two videos and the puzzle picture I sent to my family.

Anyone else want to pop over and work on it with me? No? I like the interesting picture and a challenge is always a good thing.

No books today. I did investigate but nothing popped up. Maybe tomorrow

I love this puzzle.

I’m off to bed as soon as I read through this thing another time or two. Maybe you will forgive me if I miss a few problem areas? Hopefully it will make sense. It made sense in my head.

Happy watching and reading.

I hope you enjoy these videos as much as I did.

A PTSD conversation December 19, 2022

The conversation in my head tonight is the aftermath of a telephone call with an old friend this afternoon We have been through deep waters together and now we were updating each other on our current lives.

Both of us lived through relationships with sex addicts. Our main experiences were different. Mine was originally from childhood, her’s all from adulthood. The men were out of control, we had that in common.

I’ve spent the evening attempting to find access to books I’ve found helpful over the years and they seem to have disappeared.

One book was the personal story of someone living with a man addicted to pornography. His addiction was a secret but as it grew larger in his life that all changed. It was helpful to hear her findings about the start, the source, and the pathway to deep destructive patterns in a relationship.

That’s where our conversation was today. How does it start? Why does it start? From sources I’ve found, it can start at a very early age if material is available. The reason it will take hold is to fill an emotional need. Loneliness for one. It acts as a pain reliever and it is highly addictive to the unsuspecting.

One book I found helpful in the beginning of my search for help understanding seems to be out of print and I’m sad. I wanted to send the link for this book to my friend.

I can find a link on Amazon for the paperback which is unavailable and it appears a Kindle edition hasn’t been created.

I have other books that address this addiction too but I wanted this one. Oh well, I’ve started reading it again to refresh my memory maybe I can share useful bites with her.

Laurie Hall’s story reveals pornography’s subversive side and offers comfort, encouragement, insight, and a plan of action to women whose husbands are addicted.

There is so much more to think and say but we’ll leave it there for tonight


On a different note . . .

There were no good book suggestions today. Maybe tomorrow.

This and that December 18, 2022

This house makes a lot of startling noises. It’s worse in the winter when it’s well below freezing, like it is today. It’s probably expansion and contraction of the wood frame with the temperature changes but it’s scary sometimes. I want to run outside to see what hit the house or who could be doing who knows what. I don’t because it’s futile. There is never anything to see.

Except for one time, a time when I didn’t look but maybe should have. Although it wouldn’t have helped much. There was a long plastic downspout to keep rain runoff from the roof away from the house. It was 5 or 6 feet long running over to a flower bed. I think the horrendous noise I heard was a large dog chasing a little rabbit. It was quite a while before I noticed he had destroyed the pipe.

I’m assuming it was a he, who else would be chasing a rabbit in a flat out run? Actually I think it would have been one of the neighbor’s dogs that probably got out. I have it on good authority that they are guys.

A few summers ago I met one of them when I was out weeding in the front yard. He was on his own out for a visit, checking out the neighborhood. It wasn’t too long before his owner came looking for him. I have no proof it was that dog on one of his evening adventures but having met him that day it was a pretty good possibility, in my mind anyway.

I like dogs but they can be a handful. I’m more of a cat person, they don’t seem to get into as much trouble as a large energetic dog.

Aside from rabbits, dogs, and squirrels running through the yard, one day we saw deer. I was surprised, or maybe a better word would be shocked. It had never occurred to me that they would be in this area. Now I wonder how many other visits I’ve missed. I would have missed this one too if my kids hadn’t been here and noticed first.

I need to pay more attention to what goes on in my yard. The trouble is I can’t read and look outside at the same time, and reading takes hours of concentration. At least in the winter I have a better idea about what goes on and when. Foot prints tell the story of visits and chases. Some days seem to be busier than others.

The wild animals seem to have a routine about who they visit in the neighborhood and when. I think it depends somewhat on their needs. Shelter, food. The animal residents vary from year to year too. Some years there were a large number of cats. They’d spend more time in the yard, lounging in the flower beds or on the back deck. Maybe there was safety in numbers and they were bolder. Right now there are few, maybe one of two. and they are more cautious, I rarely see them. The rabbit population has been smaller too. I hear the eagles like to hunt rabbits and cats. I’ve never seen them do it but my neighbor has. They swoop down and carry them off.

The only eating I’ve seen in the backyard is done by the crows. They like to eat the eggs out of the robin’s nests. Horrible birds.

I guess they do have their good uses though. One day a small bird flew into one of my windows and was lying dead on my deck. I was going to put the body in the garbage as I did once before for a bigger bird found lying in the garden. This time I decided to leave it there to see if nature would take it’s course. Finally after a few days went by there were crows out there eyeing the bird. They flew off but the next day I noticed the body was gone. That is how it should be. Crows are scavengers, clean up crews keeping the world a healthy place to live. Amazing isn’t it. Except eggs waiting to hatch don’t qualify as needing cleanup.

OK, I’m talked out. We will discuss books another time.

Maybe I will just share the cover of my current read with you, Well, there were two actually.

The first one is suspense and so was the last one finished. Something lighter was needed for a minute which meant the mystery needed to be put on hold. The romance was an excellent change of pace and is almost finished. It was a god decision, my mood is much lighter than it was before.


Well, that conversation was a fun surprise. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

See you tomorrow.

Bargain book December 11, 2022

Since it’s 2 am I guess I’ll label this third post as December 11. I said I was done after #2 but it seems I lied lol.

I made the mistake of going back to verify the purchase of the last book (I hadn’t completed the purchase step, good thing I checked) and in the process found another one I had to say yes to. This is book #4 and I see we have had books 1 – 3 show up in 2021. They aren’t bargains anymore, sadly.

Rising From Ashes (Acts of Valor, Book 4)

Lt. Commander “Monty” Monteague hasn’t needed God since he was a boy. But now the accomplished, handsome SEAL is the only survivor of a rescue mission gone wrong. His men are dead; his face is badly scarred. Wounded and hurting, Monty seeks solace in all the wrong places, until his do-gooder neighbor intrudes on his isolation, heals him, and teaches him to reach for God, not a bottle.

Opal Bonheur isn’t just Monty’s neighbor; she’s his physical therapist. Having loved him from afar for years, Opal is determined to heal the warrior, physically and emotionally. What Monty needs is the faith that has sustained her through many a tragedy—and they aren’t over yet. As the past comes back to haunt Opal, Monty’s prayers for her protection might be the only thing to keep her alive.


Maybe more will show up in the morning.


Well it’s tomorrow afternoon and so far nothing else has shown up. Not that I’ve been looking all that hard aside from checking suggestion emails. (there were two with nothing we wanted)

The thing I have been doing today (and yesterday too) is spending time with one of my favorite inspiring podcasters. Carey Nieuwhof, he has a leadership podcast with the most interesting guests and amazingly insightful questions. I’m not in leadership but I love learning new things. I love walking away from the experience feeling deeply moved and fed.

It’s the mental equivalent of a well prepared healthy nutritious meal.

The subject of today’s choice of podcasts (I’m behind in watching so I’m binge watching to catch up.) was growing your audience. His guest for this video became a multi-millionaire helping clients with this aspect of their businesses. He has much to offer us as inspiration for developing a strategy for realizing our own hopes and dreams.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not that motivated to grow my audience even though I know I should be. I’m an introvert. I work hard at not being noticed. Which is pretty hilarious when you think about it. That’s why I don’t do emails (I did put an email address somewhere in my contact section but for some reason I didn’t bother to explore, it doesn’t show up.) It’s also why, generally speaking, I put personal thoughts etc at the end of posts rather than the beginning. Readers won’t see them without going to the end. Crazy I know, but this is who I am.

The question is why do I do this, and even hope for more readers, if I shy away from being seen?

It’s motivation. My passion is to inspire reading.

(If I can do it without drawing personal attention so much the better.)

Why this passion, you ask?

Because reading is a life giving, life changing experience. And statistics show that most people are not reading. A least not in any significant way. Many read less than one book a year. This is so much more than sad.

So, that is my deepest motivation, pushing you to fall in love with reading. Yes, fall in love. Avid readers are in love with books.

Falling in love with a book is like falling in love with a person — find the right one and it will happen.

For many their reading speed is a deterrent. Reading is like exercise, the more you do it the stronger you become. Keep reading, with practice your speed will improve. If you love a book, even better, your speed will automatically improve because you are in a hurry to find out what comes next.

So, bottom line, I want to inspire you to discover the joys of reading.

The discussion on why I promote books, without realizing any monetary compensation, will be the subject for another day.


In case you enjoy teaching and inspiring podcasts I will share the link for this one here. Maybe you will discover useful tools and connections.

Happy Reading,

and maybe watching, too.

I could be preaching to the choir here as you are likely a reader if you frequent a blog site.

Maybe I can inspire you to inspire someone else in your life. That would be good.

This and that November 26, 2022

Photo by Tomas Anunziata on

Do you ever wonder why some people are thinking that the world will soon be over populated and it will be a bad thing.

I think about it often and even more so lately. The other day someone, I think it was Bill Gates but I could be wrong, was talking about the current world population of 80 billion or so and how it’s imperative we get that down below that threshold if we want our world to survive.

I’m perplexed hearing people talk like this.

It doesn’t sound like we live in the same world. (Bill Gates and I)

The only reason I can see for someone thinking that way is if their only experience is big city living. Very big city living. If that’s the case they have a very narrow way of looking at things.

It’s true that cities in Asia and other similar parts of the world are greatly congested. It’s a challenge, driving erratically, bumper to bumper, taking your life in your hands every time you venture out.

Walking is not much better as everyone scurries about, shoulder to shoulder, narrowly missing collisions.

We hear stories of culture shock, experiencing Canada for the first time. Wide open lonely spaces everywhere. They miss the jostling crowds.

Yes, there are moments of great congestion and traffic jams here in our handful of big cities but that’s all they are, moments, not a way of life.

In Canada there are thousands of miles of lonely roads. Small towns (never mind big cities) are few and far between.

This big city (in the US is my guess) is not crazy.

Photo by Nikita Igonkin on

Travelling the lonely miles across Canada, gazing across acres and acres of uninhabited land it is impossible to fathom ever being over populated. With an abundance of flat empty land that could be turned into farm land it’s unfathomable to think there would ever be a day we couldn’t feed ourselves and other parts of the world too.

Photo by Nextvoyage on

And Canada is not the only country with vast uninhabited areas. It’s a surprise to note that the USA has vast poorly populated areas too.

When we look closely we find that every single continent is the same. Vast underpopulated areas.

Even with the uninhabitable mountainous areas taken into account, there are still huge areas that could sustain thousand if not millions of new residents.

I think these people with wild ideas need to get out and experience the myriad of wide open spaces across the world and then try to tell us our world is in danger of being overpopulated. Not going to happen anytime soon, if they are honest.