PTSD

The Myth of Normal April 21, 2023

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I’m always on the lookout for useful help on my journey toward emotional wellness, no small thing given my traumatic childhood.

Awareness is one of the best tools in this quest and my ears are always open and tuned in to anything that will answer the many questions rising to the surface of my mind.

Today I watched an in-depth interview with a successful doctor with his own lived experience. What he has to say speaks to where I am at this moment. I will be watching again, this time taking notes to help this become part of who I am. Dr Gabor Maté has also written a new book, the reason for the interview, and I’m planning to read it too. For years I’ve been walking the awareness path he lays out and at this point in the road I expect this book will take me even further in the right direction.

I’m sharing both the book and the podcast. I want to be able to find this material again but I also hope that sharing it will be helpful to my readers on their own journey. Our physical struggles are rooted in the emotional. By experience I know this to be true. The question forever before me is: what is behind this new set of ailments? Usually it is some new piece of old brokenness that has shaken loose and risen to the surface.

The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture

Gabor Maté’s internationally bestselling books have changed the way we look at addiction and have been integral in shifting the conversations around ADHD, stress, disease, embodied trauma, and parenting. Now, in this revolutionary book, he eloquently dissects how in Western countries that pride themselves on their health care systems, chronic illness and general ill health are on the rise. So what is really “normal” when it comes to health?
    For all our expertise and technological sophistication, Western medicine often fails to treat the whole person, ignoring how today’s culture stresses the body, burdens the immune system, and undermines emotional balance. In The Myth of Normal, co-written with his son Daniel, Maté brings his perspective to the great untangling of common myths about what makes us sick, connects the dots between the maladies of individuals and the declining soundness of society, and offers a compassionate guide for health and healing. The result is Maté’s most ambitious and urgent book yet.

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Here is the podcast.

Continuing PTSD conversation

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Things are changing.

This is but another small part in my story as an adult survivor of child abuse.

I’m going to jump right in and say that as a child I compartmentalized to survive. My mind took charge and was very careful about what thoughts were allowed to linger. For sure there were never any questions asked. Never any attempts to figure out the why. As an adult this practice continued for decades. The doors securely locked in the vault of my mind. In recent years things have changed and my mind has opened to the possibility of seeing and examining the truth. A very freeing experience, I’m finding.

Many moments of realization and insight are beginning to add up to something that feels huge and life changing.

Recently, I started reading a book that suggests that: the best way to figure out what your future should look like, you need to go back and write your story. The author makes the case that most of us have never looked beyond basic facts to see the heart of who we are and what makes us who we are. He suggests that if we ever did look back in this way we would begin to make different choices for our future. And we would be happier for it. I think he’s right.

I’m beginning to look at my life in this way and there have been some startling revelations.Today, I am thinking about how to write about it, as he suggested. I think it will take the size of a book to fit it all in.

This morning I’ve been basking in gratefulness for the latest clear moment of insight. It’s covers a part of my life I’ve never written about, and now that I see what a treasure it truly is – it needs to be fully explored.

If I could pick a song that expresses the current new stage of my life, this song would be it.

“I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day …”

“… I can make it now the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared…”

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The song of my heart these days.

Bargain books and PTSD, January 30, 2023

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We have books. Hopefully more than one. After today’s search.

BookBub has the first good suggestion. We’ve read earlier books in this series so this is a welcome addition to our expanding library.

A Home in Cranberry Cove (Cranberry Cove Series Book 4)

Madison Mitchell will never trust a man again. The love of her life broke her heart and married a French chef. Now she throws herself into her work at The Inn at Cranberry Cove. When she accidentally tangles with the manager of a nearby fishing supply store, she suspects the handsome guy is hiding something.

Micah Collins flees Sacramento seeking solace in the seaside village in Washington state. But he discovers an enemy has followed him to Cranberry Cove. He must endure frightful threats at the same time keeping his previous life secret. When Madison finds herself in danger, Micah blames himself.

Madison and Micah are haunted by someone from Micah’s past, but is the culprit the real enemy or should they look elsewhere? Will they find a future together?

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Next, an interesting book showed up in the suggestion strip. A total change in time period.

A Mosaic of Wings (Dreams of India)

It’s 1885, and all Nora Shipley wants, now that she’s graduating from Cornell University as valedictorian of the entomology program, is to follow in her late father’s footsteps by getting her master’s degree and taking over the scientific journal he started. The only way to uphold her father’s legacy is to win a scholarship, so she joins a research expedition in Kodaikanal, India, to prove herself in the field.

India isn’t what she expects, though, and neither is the rival classmate who accompanies her, Owen Epps. As her preconceptions of India–and of Owen–fall away, she finds both far more captivating than she expected. Forced by the expedition leader to stay at camp and illustrate exotic butterflies the men of the team find without her, Nora befriends Sita, a young Indian girl who has been dedicated to a goddess against her will.

In this spellbinding new land, Nora is soon faced with impossible choices–between saving Sita and saving her career, and between what she’s always thought she wanted and the man she’s come to love.

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1531 Entertainment has a suggestion that I want to be next up on my reading list. I’m hooked from the beginning.

Dangerous Beauty: A Novel 

Liliana Vela hates the term victim. She’s not a victim, she’s a fighter. Stubborn and strong with a quiet elegance, she’s determined to take back her life after escaping the clutches of human traffickers in her poor Mexican village. But she can’t stay safely over the border in America–unless the man who aided in her rescue is serious about his unconventional proposal to marry her.

Meric Toledan was just stopping at a service station for a bottle of water. Assessing the situation, he steps in to rescue Liliana from traffickers. If he can keep his secrets at bay, his wealth and position afford him many resources to help her. But the mysterious buyer who funded her capture will not sit idly by while his prize is stolen from him.

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It has turned out to be a very good book day and I’m one happy book lover, I have to say.

I may even be tempted to speed quickly through the current read to get to this new book just a little sooner.

Temperatures have dropped and the sun is shining brilliantly. It hard not to look up on a day like today. The sunshine provides a good blow to the winter doldrums, cabin fever, and all that.

Have a great reading day. I certainly plan to.

I’m still here, thinking on this last book and why it appeals to me so much.

I’m guessing the short answer could be that a strong, abused and vulnerable woman has been rescued by a resourceful, compassionate, but deeply angry man. Rescued being the operative word.

Probably because of any word that could be applied to my life, rescued is the very first word on the thankful list. To be honest, I haven’t really considered the idea in much depth, until now, thinking about this new book. But it’s true. When ever the subject of my early life comes up, the very first thought always is, where would my brothers and I have been if we were not rescued as pre-teens.

I do think of my life in depth at times, when it seems appropriate. Much healing has come from being willing to face the terror of my past.

The other day I was thinking about how far I’ve come in this journey. I’m not that little girl any more.

And yet the healing is incomplete, the damage runs deep and there is residue that will go with me to the grave.

I’m grateful for the rescue, I’m grateful for the major healing gained over many decades. I still don’t lead the life of a normal woman but close enough.

Besides, what is normal anyway?

PTSD Conversation. November 21, 2022

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Our body remembers and keeps track. This is a recently acquired piece of information that explains a whole lot of things for me.

Memory suppression is a coping mechanism our minds will use to help us survive life. That has been the truth of my formative years. I have to be intentional about allowing snippets of information to settle in my mind long enough to consider what they might mean. Doing this has been an enlightening experience and explained may things, but it didn’t start happening until I was willing to allow my mind to dwell on the visiting thoughts.

For many decades I refused to entertain the idea of abuse precisely because I had no concrete memories. I suspected but wouldn’t make an accusation I couldn’t prove. A decade or so ago my brother forced me to admit it was true. He used persuasive force so it was all good. I think he remembers more than he was willing to admit. His assertion came out of nowhere although I think he must have been thinking about it for quite some time. It was like he was on a mission to finally talk about it and now was the time.

So back to the body remembering thought. . . It’s kind of funny when I think about it because I have been on a quest for emotional healing for many decades. That would be proof of the body remembers where my mind doesn’t. Subconsciously I knew I had a deep need for healing in my life and over the years I’ve been driven to pursue it relentlessly. The motivation was I want to be well.

It’s something how books, conversations, lectures, stories, all sorts of things, cross my path just when I need them.

Like I said the body remembers concept showed up in the last year or so and it was so helpful. I had been paying attention before but now I was more intentional. Besides noticing physical responses, fight or flight, I started thinking more deeply about the reasons and implications of those reactions. I’ve known forever than I don’t have normal reactions or even interpretations to words or situations, but I want to.

The latest idea for me to explore builds on the last one. Your body remembers and is convinced that danger still exists and raises the alarm to protect you. That’s why we are triggered by anything remotely resembling past dangerous situations. I have many triggers and have yet to figure out what is behind most of them. There are so many because the worst of the abuse stretched over a decade and on top of that there were multiple people involved as well as multiple types of abuse. Both emotional and physical. Then there is the complication that the emotional abuse continued on much longer than a decade.

The idea today was that, to get past these reactions we have to face our triggers/fears, convince our internal memory that all is well and the danger is past. And mostly it is, that’s true.

For a while I have been thinking about changing thought patterns by laying down new memories over the old. Creating new neural pathways. I’ve been thinking about facing and figuring out what caused the triggers in order to understand the why of the triggers, by knowing what happened to me. Understanding what is behind the triggers helps us chase away the proverbial bogey man hiding under the bed or in the closet.

I can see now that finding a way to convince my body that the danger is past and I’m safe, is badly needed.

Easier said than done. But worth a try.

Today’s moment of revelation came in the form of a podcast. It was a valuable conversation between professionals, a clinical psychologist and a popular guest with several degrees in the mental health field. These two come at the conversation from different perspectives and it has given me food for thought that will be around for some time to come.

One more much needed building block on the journey.

Here is the link. They had so much more to say that is worth hearing.

https://youtu.be/B_373YVlnDA

Among many others they talked about answering the question – What do you want? a serious question that most of us cannot articulate. Possibly because no one has ever asked us that question. At least not in a serious, really wanting to know, kind of way. It’s usually more like – what do You want? That’s the first thought that popped into my head as I wrote the first question. Sad. Probably heard that version a lot as a kid.

I have to say they covered a lot of ground in the hour long podcast.

Anyway, their enlightening conversation was definitely worth the time.

Until next time

Hope this makes sense, didn’t leave enough time for needed rewrites.

Bargain books August 25, 2022

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We have two bargain books tonight. One I’ve read and enjoyed. The second is new to me but the author I’ve read. They both were suggested by 1531 Entertainment.

Returning to Eden (Acts of Valor, Book 1): Christian Romantic Suspense 

A dead man stands on her doorstep.

When the Navy wrote off her MIA husband as dead, Eden came to terms with being a widow. But now, her Navy SEAL husband is staring her in the face. Eden knows she should be over-the-moon, but she isn’t.

Diagnosed with PTSD and amnesia, Navy SEAL Jonah Mills has no recollection of their fractured marriage, no memory of Eden nor her fourteen-year-old daughter. Still, he feels a connection to both.

Unfit for active duty and assigned to therapy, Jonah knows he has work to do and relies on God, who sustained him during captivity, to heal his mind, body, and hopefully his family.

But as the memories lurking in his wife’s haunted eyes and behind his daughter’s uncertain smile begin to return to him, Jonah makes another discovery. There is treachery in the highest ranks of his Team, treachery that not only threatens him but places his new-found family in its crosshairs.

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Heart Transformed

Imprisoned by their past mistakes, can love break the chains of shame?
Expected to follow in her father’s footsteps as a successful lawyer, Genevieve Trehearn’s world is turned upside down when she finds herself behind bars with a criminal record slapped against her name. Having rebelled against the wishes of her family, Genevieve is suddenly alone – disowned by her wealthy parents and those whom she considered to be her closest friends. With her once pretentious life reduced to the four walls of a prison cell, Genevieve must face the mistakes of her shameful past and plan for a new future.

David Molineaux is the owner of ‘Elevation Adventures’, an outdoor adventure company that also works with at-risk kids, providing opportunities for them to learn new skills and develop new friendships. He loves nothing better than to spend time outdoors with his Creator and encouraging others to do the same. But David is also hiding scars from his past. And when he is asked to provide adventure opportunities to ex-prisoners, he is worried his past will catch up with him and destroy his business. When Genevieve and David’s worlds collide, fear of the past threatens to destroy a promising future. Can the shame from their pasts be overcome? Or will the burden from past mistakes be too heavy to bear?

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I started another new book today. Quite a departure from the murder and mayhem of the last book, which turned out to be nothing like what I expected. It was good though.

The Duet

When widower Gerrit Appeldoorn takes his granddaughter to piano lessons one day, he finds himself drawn to her music teacher, a woman unlike any he has known. It’s an unlikely attraction. He’s a retired dairyman with mud on his boots; Joan Horton is a world traveler and former piano instructor at New York’s prestigious academy of music. Not quite “beauty and the beast,” but close.

Even so, Gerrit slowly begins to open his heart to Joan, to music, and to the possibilities that may be found in both. Yet as their relationship deepens, Gerrit faces crises concerning his family and farm, and Joan confronts a dark secret that threatens her future. While coping with these challenges, neither can predict how their duet will sound as they practice the music of renewed hope and second chances.

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I think this one will be good too.

What are you reading? Is it good? Share if you care to, we would love to hear about it.

Happy Reading!

A rewired brain – abuse, pornography

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Abuse and pornography = a rewired brain. Mine has been rewired by abuse starting at a very early age and I’m just now figuring it out.

Probably because I didn’t want to figure it out sooner.

Two things set this event in motion.

One of the comments appearing often over the last several years is that “the body remembers.” I have to say that’s true. One of the fleeting memories I had as a young kid and remember vividly to this day was straddling a metal barrel warmed by the sun, struck by the thought “I’ve had this experience of warmth before somewhere.” There are many other similar memories and thought patterns that added all together lead to a dark place.

Another happening adding to the discussion in my head was a recent podcast where the interviewee talked about his early introduction to pornography and how the practice rewired his brain and made relationships difficult. One of the biggest reasons, aside from guilt, for this difficulty in relationships is connection, or more precisely, a lack of it, and pornography contributes to it. But that’s a subject for another day.

For years I have wrestled with many things about my thought processes regarding men, especially compared to thought patterns of other women. I have an inexplicable love/hate relationship with them. I love having long conversations with my sons and brothers so there’s that. Then, I don’t exactly hate other men, I just run away from any who show interest.

This rewiring is apparent when I can’t understand the fascination young girls, or women for that matter, have with boys/men. The only experience I have with normal teenage thoughts is reading about them in books. I can’t relate to the giggling fascination. Swooning over cute boys, falling in and out of love regularly and sharing all the details of these interactions daily with their friends.

The reason I am happy about this recent new level of understanding about my mixed up feelings is my incessant need to know why. Why am I this way?

I’ve heard other abuse victims say this: there are two sides to the coin. On the one hand you hate the abusive experience forced on you while at the same time, the physical experience has a level of enjoyment to it. Our bodies betray us by liking what is happening.

I guess all of this explains why I have a good attitude toward the physical experience but a negative reaction to the thought of having a man in my life. The unwelcome hazy face rising up at the thought of sharing my life inevitably looks like one I wouldn’t want to be with. A thought killer right there.

I don’t really know how to end this. This whole conversation has been working in my mind for a while and today it seemed like this was the day I finally needed to talk it out.

My journey from abuse to wellness has been decades long and I have to say I am now the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m grateful. The truth has indeed set me free.

I’m understanding, on a minor level, the kind of abuse inflicted on me, I’ve made peace with the people involved even though they are no longer with us, and I’ve allowed enough difficult memories to surface to make understanding and healing possible.

I can also see the truth in the idea that rewiring by repetition of positive healthy experiences will change neural pathways. We can learn healthy new ways of being. That has been my prayer, that my thought patterns and reactions would be changed to a healthier version.

While I’m still baffled by my complicated thoughts and attitudes toward men, it’s something to realize that over the years (especially the teen years) many of my best friends were guys. It’s with thankfulness that I can agree that the abusive first decade of my life has been somewhat influenced and overwritten by the positive relationships of my free and healthy second decade, the teen years.

I guess I am a product of the good and the bad.

I’m grateful. Grateful for the good parts of life, grateful for the healing and understanding I have today.

I won’t lie though. The healing is not complete, it’s just markedly better. I’m still hiding away from men.

Somethings may never change lol

Enough of this, I’m off to rescue the dryer.

Free books April 18, 2022

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BookBub has a FREE collection suggestion. I see we read and enjoyed book 1 in this boxset several years ago.

The Brides of Purple Heart Ranch Boxset Volume 1: Three Sweet Marriage of Convenience Western Romances

ON HIS BENDED KNEE
Sgt. Dylan Banks lost more than just his leg in the war. His fiancée and family turned their backs on him as well. Now, he’s determined to create a safe place where wounded warriors like himself can heal. But a hidden zoning law requires all residents of the Purple Heart Ranch to be married. To save his dream, Dylan and his men will have to tie the knot—but can a man with such deep scars inside and out believe in love again?

Maggie Shaw lost both her job as a veterinary technician and her apartment on the same day. Who knew her unreasonable landlord would kick her out for being four dogs over the one pet limit? Now, she and her gang of special-needs dogs are in trouble. Fate puts her in Dylan’s path with a proposal that seems too good to be true—but can her heart bear a loveless marriage of convenience?

HAND OVER HIS HEART
Francisco DeMonti has always been a man with a plan. Though his last plan led to his entire squad being wounded on a mission in Afghanistan. Now he’s seeking redemption by getting all the men in his unit hitched so they can stay together and heal. But his own heart is under lock and key due to the shrapnel around it that could kill him at any moment.

After years of scraping and saving, Eva Lopez finally steps foot onto a college campus only to be yanked away by the mean streets she came from. A local gang threatens her family’s safety until a wounded veteran offers a reprieve: marry a soldier in exchange for protection and the freedom to attend school.

OFFERING HIS ARM
Reed Cannon may be a numbers guy but being minus one arm due to enemy fire hasn’t slowed him down. Now he’s faced with a new challenge—find a bride so he can stay on the rehabilitation ranch that has given him and his squad back their lives. Reed turns to a dating app to narrow down the selection of potential brides. The woman who matches him nearly 100% is accessible online, but out of reach in reality.

Sarai Austin has done the impossible, she’s found a great guy online. The problem is now he wants to meet in person, and Sarai’s not ready for IRL. Her profile picture was taken three years and thirty pounds ago. To hide her weight issues, she tells Reed she’s out of town on business. All she needs is a couple of months to lose the weight and get back down to model-size. What she doesn’t count on is running into Reed in town.
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There are still other suggestion emails to check out but anything there will fit better in a separate post.

Hopefully I will have reason to be back soon.

Happy Reading

Read and enjoyed. March 05, 2022

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This book is right up there on my favorites list. There are aspects of the story that I know will stay with me for a long time. It was well written, well thought out and I would love to read the other five books in this series. This one is still free, grab it quick before that changes.

His Pledge to Honor: a Sweet Marriage of Convenience Romance (The Silver Star Ranch Book 1)

Scout Silver can rehabilitate the most wounded of horses. But when an injured soldier shows up at her ranch, will she follow his lead down a trail of love?


Though she’s the daughter of a general, Scout Silver is used to giving orders, not taking them. That’s why horses thrive on the rehabilitation ranch she runs with her half-sisters. Over the years, her absentee father’s many divorces created a patchwork family, held together by their love of the ranch. But his last will is an order that threatens to rip their lives apart.

As the leader of an elite group of soldiers run by the brilliant tactician General Abraham Silver, Lincoln Rawlings has set out on his final mission—to fulfill the dying wish of his commander by ensuring that the general’s six daughters are taken care of. When Linc arrives on the Silver Star Ranch, he learns that what the Silver sisters need are husbands, else they’ll lose their beloved business. Instead of doing an immediate about-face, Linc’s heart stands at attention under the assessing gaze of Scout, the eldest Silver.

Unwilling to let her father once again interfere in her life, even from the grave, Scout has no plans to give in to the general’s demands. But when she meets the handsome and accommodating Linc, she has a hard time reigning in her heart.

Letting down the general is not an option, but Linc is hiding a secret from Scout. And if she learns of the deep wounds he bears, he might lose everything—the ranch, his honor, and the woman he’s falling for.

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Here is my next read, just started. This is a favorite author and I’m looking forward to another one of her books.

Bookshop by the Sea

Sophie Lawson should be enjoying her sister’s wedding day. But nothing could have prepared her to see the best man again.

After her mother became bedridden and her father bailed on the family, Sophie found herself serving as a second mother to her twin brother, Seth, and younger sister, Jenna. Sophie supported her siblings through their college years, putting aside her own dream of opening a bookshop in Piper’s Cove—the quaint North Carolina beach town they frequented as children.

Now it’s finally time for Sophie to follow her own pursuits. Seth has a new job, and Jenna is set to marry her college beau in Piper’s Cove. But the destination wedding reunites Sophie with best man Aiden Maddox, her high school sweetheart who left her without a backward glance.

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Happy Reading y’all.

PTSD and abuse. How do you know for sure? January 09, 2022

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If you can’t remember how do you know it happened? You could be wrong.

I can see how, lacking memories, skeptics might question my claims of child abuse.

I’ve been thinking about this more intensely this weekend. It’s not that I haven’t spent time with it before. I have… decades in fact. Just not intensely.

This is the first time I’ve managed to lay it all out in order.

Just because my mind has refused to remember extreme pain, that doesn’t mean I have no memories of the rest of my life.

As a child, I remember poverty, insecurity and instability with a self-employed father full of brilliant ideas that didn’t always pan out. Highly sociable parents who loved to party and run with the fast crowd. An alcoholic father who was not always a nice, or faithful man. Dad was never alone much either.

Once the line has been crossed from inactive to active it can never be uncrossed. My conscious mind may refuse to remember the painful violations but my body remembers. Going forward, my unconscious thought patterns, reactions, and expectations were shaped by childhood experiences. As a teen, looking back, I recognize thought patterns that could only come from experience. With nothing to compare to, how could I know an inexperienced teen wouldn’t know what I knew. My naivete was in thinking I went in to marriage as a novice.

The most compelling indicator of abuse, though, was triggers.

For many decades, involuntarily, I refused to question anything. Thought patterns, reactions, hints, not even consideration of the to-question-or-not-to question dilemma, none of it. Subconsciously I knew I wouldn’t like the answers inspection would bring and my mind steadfastly refused to go there.

It was many decades before I gave triggers much thought. They were just a normal part of life. That is how it often is for the abused. Only when we see how others live do we recognize that what we live with is abnormal.

In the beginning most triggers seemed to be related to men. They range from a quick shut down, to knee-jerk reactions, to panic attacks. After years of examining root causes and then dealing with them, there were changes. Or, maybe it was whatever was next-in-line showing up.

The most recent episodes have taken me by surprise. With dysfunctional family dynamics there were multiple levels of abuse, much of it emotional. These lessor? triggers are taking their turn at gaining attention.

Reactions provide compelling evidence of abuse but the final nail in solidifying the idea was my brother insisting I admit it happened.

If there is any lingering doubt acesaware.org (Adverse Childhood Experiences) has extensive questionnaires offering insight. They name the minimum number of boxes it takes to assess probability. I passed the exam with flying colors. More than the required number of boxes checked off.

One of their areas of discussion is health issues. Aggravated by unaddressed abuse trauma. Two areas show up for me. Digestive and autoimmune. They have become more pronounced with each passing year.

A selfie standing on the kitchen floor.

This has been going on for more than ten years. I have a specialist appointment in a few weeks but it doesn’t look like there is any cure. This doesn’t surprise me. I’ve had skin issues most of my life, if it leaves one area it pops up in another. Why fight it?

There is no room left for doubt about what happened to me.

One more note: the As a child, .. paragraph above provided ample reasons for the checked off boxes on one of the questionnaire pages.

If you suspect you may be a victim check out acesaware.org , it is sponsored by California health and has a wealth of information and helpful tools available to everyone.

I hope this made sense.

C-PTSD conversation December 12, 2021

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Trigger alert. Don’t read this if you are easily triggered or distressed with abuse stories. For sure don’t read this if my story distresses you. (family, friends.) I do promise there will be no explicit details. Generalities are bad enough.

Why now? you ask… It’s time.

If you are a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers. This is going to cost me, big time. It has to happen sometime and it feels like the time is now so I’ll carry on.

Why even do this?… It will be cathartic.

Advance warning – I do plan to end on a positive note. Something healing happened this week and I will share what that was.

Most of my life has been intentionally lived as if my past never happened. Parts of my adult life have been lived as a public figure, no one connected with me knew my background. It was all a secret.

There are two reasons for not speaking up sooner. One was that I had deeply repressed memories (still do) and wouldn’t admit to my suspicions without proof. My brother made me admit the abuse about 15 years ago when I was no longer a young woman.

The second reason (excuse) was tied up in protecting the reputation of the abuser. My outlook on that aspect has changed and protecting him no longer seems as important. I guess I was reluctant for family reasons too. None of that seems as important now either..

The reason for the abuse and the form it took is complex. I’m fairly certain there was abuse in Dad’s background which would explain why his alcoholism was firmly established by mid teens. It would also explain the sex addiction which probably started in early to mid teens as well.

An unplanned pregnancy (me) with unwanted responsibilities and lifestyle changes added rage to the mix.

Double addictions along with rage brought variety to the abuse. Selfish, immature, vindictive traits, didn’t help either.

So, all of that to say the abuse started early and took different forms depending on mood and availability. As the years went by access became more readily available. Mom had a job and also spent significant time in hospital fighting cancer. The last two years with him were the worst.

Dad was an extrovert and there were always visitors on the property. He was not adverse to sharing with his friends. As the abuse progressed I was groomed and trafficked. Money was a big draw. He was always in need of another bottle of whiskey. He was proud of his grooming.

My brothers and I were rescued as I turned twelve. Mom had to spend another stint in hospital and we were sent to stay with my grandmother. She insisted.

The door in my mind was slammed shut on all of the repressed memories. The experiences endured were unpleasant and as a teen there was not a speck of me wanting to be sexually active with boys. I’m grateful.

There were little clues in some of my irrational responses and thought patterns back then that might have been a tip-off if I had been willing to examine them.

Over the years prayer has been a very important part of my healing journey. I keep asking God to heal the exposed broken places that I have no idea how to fix or move past. He has been healing me incrementally for years, and friends and family are noticing the difference.

The positive note to end this post is about one of those healing times.

One of the aspects of intimacy, the experts say, is the connection formed in that moment. Casual or serious makes no difference.

I know it’s true. The relationship changes once that bridge has been crossed. The connection with your first is probably the strongest. Dad was my first and there were many more after him.

The last while I have been allowing myself to relax and let memories resurface if they want to. Sometimes it’s been emotions, sometimes bits of memories. There has been a heavy sense of connection to Dad.

This week in answer to prayer that connection with him has been broken. It’s gone, for him and all the other men he allowed in my life. I felt the emotion drain out of me and now I feel nothing for him.

I’ve let go of anger, I’ve forgiven him, the connection has been broken, and now the secret has been revealed.

There will still be triggers, more healing needed, and more issues to be faced. In the aftermath there will be a price to pay for sharing this story. It’s part of the deal.

Despite all of that I’m celebrating, in a numb kind of way. The secret is out. Another hurdle in the healing journey has been crossed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

The sun is peeking from behind the dark clouds.