Sorry I missed a few days posting. I had been doing so well, 80 days in a row. We’ll blame the break on covid. I had my second shot on Thursday and Friday was brutal. Slept all day, and staggered to the washroom like a drunken sailor. The walls did a good job of breaking my fall. This morning was much better and I actually ate a piece of toast. My joy at feeling better is long gone, whatever energy I had earlier is all used up. Hence the short post.
I missed my birthday party yesterday, thanks covid shot. I share a birthday, sort of, with my grandson. His was yesterday. Mine is today. I’m sad because the “cake” looked awesome, I missed being with the people too, honest.
Today, I spent the day lounging around, doing what I love. Reading. The best thing about this book – I would give it 5 stars, no question.
Acceptable Risk (Danger Never Sleeps Book #2)
Sarah Denning is a military journalist with the Army in the Middle East when her convoy is attacked and she’s taken hostage. When former Army Ranger Gavin Black is asked by his old unit commander–Sarah’s imposing father–to plan an extremely risky rescue, he reluctantly agrees and successfully executes it.
Back in the US, Sarah is livid when she’s discharged on a false psychiatric evaluation and vows to return to the Army. Until she learns of her brother’s suicide. Unable to believe her brother would do such a thing, she puts her plans on hold and enlists Gavin to help her discover the truth. What they uncover may be the biggest story of Sarah’s career–if she can survive long enough to write it.
Strap in for another breakneck nail-biter from bestselling romantic suspense author Lynette Eason that will have you up turning pages long into the night.
Now it’s back to my book, just 20% more and I’m done.
I decided to name this post, and any future posts like it, in a way that would provide a heads up for anyone wishing to avoid such emotional discussions. I’m not planning on raw, uncomfortable, tell-alls, I know difficult discussions can be had in a civilized manner.
Anyway, today’s post doesn’t include any of that.
This could be a this-and-that kind of day except my thoughts have been heavier than that this week. Confession seems to be a more appropriate label.
I debated including the term abuse survivor but decided it gives context to where my head is at with the topics. There is nothing frivolous in my contemplations.
Enough of that.
So here’s the thing I’m trying to figure out. Why?
That’s what I need to know. Why?
I haven’t come up with an answer, so far, and I doubt this writing exercise will be all that revealing but I have to try.
I’m reluctant to tell you what I’m referring to because when I think of putting it into words, in my mind it sounds silly. I’m afraid you will dismiss it as such if I tell you what I’m thinking.
So, partial confession. As I’m contemplating the why of my reluctance to take on a certain task I’m wondering if maybe a trigger is behind it. What thought or emotion is holding me back?
So, here’s the thing. In the last year or so, because of interviews and the like, I’ve been exposed to non fiction books, mostly related to my life experience with abuse. They struck me as useful in my healing journey and I put out a significant amount of money to obtain them.
I was excited to have them, paid full price for most of them, and yet I can’t seem to make myself take the time to read them.
Were they just another bright idea that didn’t survive the light of day?
Would my reluctance to tackle the challenge stem from deep insecurities? The fear of failure?
Could the reticence be linked to anticipated emotional responses to painful subjects?
Are there unidentified triggers going on?
I’ve faced head on the physical abuse attributable to my dad. At the same time, I will admit I don’t want to think about or deal with the emotional abuse stemming from my mother or my marriage.
Is that what this is about?
I’ve heard it said we must ask ourselves this question – Do you want to be healed, really want to be healed?
When we honestly ask ourselves this question we might be surprised to find that the answer is no. The price we would have to pay to find healing could seem too high.
If I’m really honest, I think when it comes to my mother and my marriage, my heart says the price is too high.
I do really want to be healed. I’m not acting like it.
I will keep on thinking and praying about this.
In the meantime…
Some of the books in the lineup.
The one I’m considering at the moment is The Power of Writing It Down
I’ve discovered it’s best to date these things. They all merge together otherwise. Indistinguishable.
It’s warm out there! That the biggest thing on my mind at this moment. Usually it starts to cool off a little by 7 PM but not tonight. I went out to do some watering and quickly changed my mind. Later.
The highlight of the week was last night’s family Zoom call. Most of us live thousands of miles apart. We enjoy one another but we are not good at staying in touch. In all honesty, I’d have to admit that would be a gross understatement. Since we’ve committed to a Zoom call once a month, we are doing much better at connecting and we are having a lot of fun. The next call is going to fall on my birthday, how nice is that!
So, the other thing on my mind this week was tied up with a comment I made the other day about a writing project I had in mind. I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time but even more so lately. It seemed like it was time to do something about it so this weekend I did put some hours into it and wrote something. In the end, I didn’t use any of it.
I’m surprised about the level of unexpected relief I felt.
Part of the impetus for this writing project was to have a place where I could fill the need to rant and rave once in a while. I couldn’t do it here, didn’t want to do it here, I felt like it would spoil everything.
Anyway, I created another space, wrote an introductory piece with a small rant at the end, and struggled with getting the site set up the way I wanted it. No matter what I did nothing was going right.
By the time I decided to give it all up and deleted the new blog, my rant had lost it’s steam and I felt a lightness I didn’t have earlier.
Sometimes it’s healthy to visit the dark places but sometimes it’s not. There already is an over abundance of negative self-talk going on in my head I don’t need more. It feels healthier, for the most part, to stick to the lighter side of things in my communications with the world.
Part of my reason for wanting a place to rant was to work my way through some of the life long issues that surface from time to time. Writing and talking can be very therapeutic.
The subject of my short rant was acknowledging, for the first time, that my parents were selfish, immature teenager/young adults making unhealthy decisions and choices without a worry over whose life would be negatively affected. I can’t believe that they would unthinkingly do what they did.
While it was healthy to face this truth, I could see that to camp on the negative side of my life, while creating content for a new blog on a regular basis, would be injurious to my emotional health.
I’m so glad I’ve got that all figured out.
Maybe for future needs, I can work through the issue in my mind and then reduce it to a short paragraph. That should take care of everything
There is one more truth recently discovered but I’ll save that topic for another time. It’s a very encouraging truth. I must share it with my brothers.
Currently I’m reading book one in a three book collection.
A Family to Love by Cindy M Amos and several others
Skinny Ranch Romance – Cindy M. Amos When a hometown parade explodes with violence targeted at obese onlookers, District Judge Ilie Walton is forced to team with former classmate Traynor Henning for a trial reduction program for the victims. None too pleased over the partnership with Tray, Ilie claims to remain blind to his Zach Efron good looks in the name of justice. As the fence lengthens and the pounds melt off volunteer participants, Tray’s devotion softens her resolve, launching a romantic partnership. When new evidence emerges on a cold case involving a death at their senior class party, Ilie insists that justice prevail, though it threatens to sever their tenuous relationship. Tired of bearing the guilt, Tray faces off with his buddy Rex about what really happened that day in his boat. When the cold case turns red hot, will Ilie stand with the hardworking rancher—or do justice and reconciliation take two separate paths?
The scales of justice possess keen discernment, yet love never needed a final verdict to overcome.
This is the one recently finished
Dearly Loved: Second Chance Christian Romance
The lovesick daydreams of Meredith Ambrose’s teenage years for neighborhood heartthrob David Steller have faded into uncomfortable memories-until he lands in a hospital bed in her unit where she works as an R.N.
David came to the Northwest to look her up-he just didn’t plan on their reunion occurring with him on a gurney. Can he prove he’s really changed after all these years? (Christian romance)
Yesterday’s post shared the idea of counselling in a book. Check it out here if you missed it… Love is a Choice
This morning, waiting in my inbox, was the regular email notification for the weekly podcast I follow faithfully. The content is always interesting and helpful, on a variety of topics. Today’s topic was especially meaningful on the heels of yesterday’s book. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, the two books fit so well together.
The subject line of the email was an attention grabber.
A specific type of writing that will combat anxiety, depression, and symptoms from past trauma.
There was no way I could walk away from this podcast and leave it for another day. It had to be today. I watched it twice, it was packed that full. .
Today’s interviewee has written a book called The Power of Writing it Down.
Part of author/writing coach Allison Fallon’s target audience is the same crowd flocking to read Love is a Choice... Count me in.
The Power of Writing It Down: A Simple Habit to Unlock Your Brain and Reimagine Your Life
Partial Amazon synopsis:
For anyone who’s trying to make sense of their life, who wants to get unstuck from the patterns that hold them back, hear this incredible news: everything you need for the freedom you want is entirely within reach. This practice and pathway is free, it’s readily available every day of your life, it takes just minutes of your time, and anyone can do it.
Author, writing coach, and speaker Allison Fallon’s life transformed when she discovered the power of a daily writing practice. As it turns out, using your words is one of the most powerful means you have for unlocking your life. The Power of Writing It Down is your guide to this transformative tool available to us all. In as little as five to twenty minutes a day, scientific research shows this daily practice can help you:
Identify your ruts and create new neurological grooves toward better habits
Find fresh motivation and take ownership of your life
Heal from past pain and trauma
Relieve anxiety and depression
Contextualize life’s setbacks and minor frustrations
Live a more confident, balanced, and healthy life
…and so much more
In the podcast interview she explains Expressive Writing well and mentioned that the writing talked about in her book is not regular writing and it’s not journaling. It makes a lot of sense.
The idea is to write down your deepest thought and feelings. I have experienced what she means when she says this type of writing accesses the subconscious part of the brain where the conscious is often not allowed.
This is basically what I do when I write my this and that posts. What comes out is often a surprise. With some of the posts, like I mentioned at the time of writing them, I was in the midst of angst and felt so much better when I was talked out. To really get into it, though, I expect most of it would not be something we’d want to share publicly.
I recommend listening to the interview before reading the book. I’m glad I did because hearing and seeing her will make the words on the page that much more real.
Practicing this form of writing will be helpful to everyone, not just the most broken among us.
Here is the link. Enjoy, and buy the book if it makes sense to you. I think you will be glad you did.
I haven’t been as intentional with this type of writing as is encouraged in her book. From ignorance, really. I want to try it her way, to see what the difference will be in my life.
The level of professional counselling we need is sometimes not easily found. That was the case for me a decade or two ago and this book was a life saver. It was written as a joint effort by the Minirth/Meir group, both of them psychiatrists, joined by a third person, a psychologist.
The book starts off talking about codependency. That’s not the way I remember it from my first reading. It’s funny how that goes. The parts I remember are the ones explaining what happened to me, how it has affected me, and the broken way I do life as a result. Understanding opened many life changing doors in my thinking.
Of all of the many books I’ve read this one was the most comprehensive and impacting. It was written to be a counselor to those without access to one. It covers the subject well enough to be a textbook written in layman’s terms.
I’ve shared this book here before but feel inspired to share it again.
I was speaking with a long time friend today, catching up on our lives and families. Stuff happens in our families and sometimes there is brokenness left undiscovered for decades.
I’ve been thinking about our conversation for most of the day and tonight remembered about this book that could be helpful in their situation. So, this is for my friend, to share as she sees fit.
It’s for you too (as reader) if this would be helpful in your life.
One more comment. I remember interpreting the title and certain phrases in the synopsis in a negative way.
Reality was nothing like my expectations. Supportive, kind, understanding, helpful; these are all words I would use to describe the experience. And, validation.
Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships
Let go of unhealthy relationships with the book that more than 850K people have trusted.
Best-selling doctors, Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, walk you through their ten proven stages to recovery from codependency that results from external circumstances.
Humans are susceptible to codependency because of our sinful tendency to use defense mechanisms to fool ourselves. In codependent relationships, deceitful games are played, and important Christian principles are often taken out of context and abused.
God wants us to have healthy relationships with a balance between being dependent and independent. The doctors describe how the most effective means of overcoming codependent relationships is to establish or deepen a relationship with Christ Himself.
They describe the causes of codependency, pointing out the factors that perpetuate it, and lead readers through their ten stages of recovery.
Continue a deeper study with the Love Is a Choice workbook, available separately.
Read this prayerfully with a surrendered heart and mind. I say this because our defense mechanisms can have us locked up so tight that helpful thoughts cannot penetrate the armor we have going on. Work on wanting to know. Work on believing there is hope, and that you are worth so much more than what you’ve been told.
The weather fluctuations are crazy. Last week the highs were over 30 degrees celsius and now today the furnace is on. And I’m still cold.
I’m restless too. That’s the reason why I’m dong this now. Get a few things off my chest so maybe I can settle down and sleep tonight.
I’m still thinking about yesterday’s post where the discussion started with an app on my cell phone that was driving me crazy and then morphed into a discussion about trust issues and fear.
A few things bother me out of that story. One is, I know there are readers who understand and empathize with discussions about abuse, triggers, and PTSD and then there are others who don’t. It’s the readers who don’t that trouble me.
There are other readers who are glad to hear these stories, it validates things they have endured. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles.
Another thing that bothers me; those who would say it’s all in the past why can’t you lay it aside, stop rehashing it and move on.
That’s the thing, I’m not reliving anything, ever. My subconscious mind won’t let me. My conscious mind knows enough (it steers away and refuses to think) that the two are in collusion and neither one will let me remember traumatic events. Small details, discussions, memories over the course of many years have allowed me to piece together a hazy but accurate picture of what went on. My mind just shuts down and closes up shop at the mention of this subject.
Reactions, mostly inappropriate (as in not fitting to the situation) such as the one I had regarding a new app on my phone, one that should have been no big deal. A well adjusted mind would thought – interesting, wonder what that’s about – and then explored to figure it out. I viewed it as an enemy trying to impose unwanted interference in my life.
It’s only been a few months since I’ve started to look closely at these reactions, to try and unpack what is going on in my head when it happens. I would name my emotional reaction as the panic you have when a hated spider comes near and you jump, scream, and run. I don’t actually do those things but the emotions running through me feel exactly like that. Get away, get away, get away!!!
To be afraid of something, there has to have been a traumatic encounter of some sort somewhere along the line. The trouble is I have no conscious memories to help me figure these things out. On the other hand, I’m sure it’s a bigger blessing that I can’t remember. There are a few disturbing words that I know apply to me. Good thing I can’t remember what happened.
There is one shadowy memory that has been with me forever it seems. It took many decades for me to figure out what it meant, not that I was trying, or wanting to know. In fact it was the opposite. My curiosity level was zero.
More recently I’ve figured out who was there for that event. There was one man who disapproved of the situation but stayed to protect me as best he could. I can’t explain the gratitude I feel now when I think of him and that memory.
Anyway, that’s enough for this time. My anxiety level has dropped and it’s time for sleep. Any more would probably be counter-productive anyway.
When I started this I wanted to express this story in a way that didn’t feel cryptic or disjointed. I’m not sure that I’ve succeeded.
It’s funny how a lighthearted conversation can turn into something so much more.
So the back story is that this annoying application showed up on my android phone a number of months ago and it kept wanting to open things up for me. I had no idea where it came from or why it was there. Unequivocally, I wanted it gone. Stop trying to take over my phone and my life.
Nothing worked the same with it there. I was happy with life before it showed up and I just wanted it off my phone so things could go back to normal. I even searched out removal instructions but couldn’t make them work for some reason.
After limping along for a very long time I mentioned it at my daughter’s house yesterday, complaining that I missed dates because I couldn’t access my calendar anymore. She enlisted the help of my grandson and while he searched to see what the app was all about before he looked for removal instructions, I laughingly but vehemently admitted to my rebelliousness at the app for trying to take over my life.
I’d figured out how to work around it for most things just not everything and I was highly resentful.
This was new territory for my daughter, I think she called it an eye opening experience listening to me rant about how much I hated the interference of this thing. Thankfully she didn’t enlarge on her comment during the family Zoom call later on.
So with my grandson’s search, he discovered the annoying app must have been an update and it was intended to launch apps, replacing the last version of an app launcher. It wasn’t the enemy I took it for and it wasn’t trying to take over my life and force me to do things I didn’t want to do.
There was a choice for just-once or always. I thought that meant it was an optional thing and the just-once was to decide if I wanted it or not. Turns out the just-once was to let me choose between two versions. He checked them out, we decided on always, problem solved.
At the time, I thought the whole conversation was hilarious. Later, thinking about why I felt like I was being pressured to do it’s biding, the conversation in my head took on a more serious tone.
Part of the problem in the misunderstanding is that while I can figure out how to use most apps, I have a problem with operating system issues. It’s always been that way. Probably because the need for action shows up so seldom.
The bigger part of the misunderstanding is more complicated. Thinking about my knee jerk reaction and my unreasonable position of viewing the app as the enemy, I have to admit, an irrational response on my part is pretty normal as a first reaction to many things.
I see the enemy everywhere because I have major trust issues.
I have to figure out how to make positive changes.
I’ve been thinking about a dog. After seeing my grandson’s new puppy. A dog would be an easy way to share my life with another being and allow a little more than the usual contact with other humans.
I know. I have to stop thinking that everyone and everything is out to harm me. Fear is no way to live a fulfilling life.
BookBub has a suggestion for us with one of our favorite authors.
Never Forget the Past: A Clean Romantic Suspense (The Men of Fire Beach Book 3)
Could you let your family believe you were dead if you thought it was the only way to save them?
Five years ago, Billy “Bubba” Campbell had a different name, but after narrowly escaping an attempt on his life, he fakes his death and leaves town to keep his family safe. He’s adjusted to life in Fire Beach, but when Makenna re-enters his life, he is forced to make a gut-wrenching decision: Continue living his lie or return to his hometown to help her catch the killer.
Captain Makenna Drake believed she was saving Matt Fisher’s life when she convinced him to leave his life behind, but now the fires have started again. As the only victim to survive, she hopes seeing Matt will fluster the killer enough to make a mistake. But can she protect him this time or will the killer finish the job started five years ago?
This next book was suggested yesterday and the suggester’s name escapes me. It’s definitely still a bargain.
Flying Fossils (Women of Fossil Ridge Book 1)
“Some women play bingo and go quietly into the night. My mother steals cars and breaks out of Alzheimer’s units.”
From USA TODAY bestselling Author Lynne Gentry comes this heartwarming peek inside a mother/daughter relationship turned upside down.
My aging mother is proof that not every southern woman is sweet tea and sympathy. Momma can’t remember which road to take when she has to drive from her ranch to the small town where she grew up. But she can recount every detail of the day I broke her heart. Her inability to forgive me has made her as crusty as the tiny fossils that cover the river’s limestone bluffs. After wasting twenty-five years trying to chip away this hurt, I finally decided it was just easier to stay away.
Then Momma fell and broke her hip. I flew home to try to mend fences with her one more time. Her refusal to let me take her back to Washington DC to convalesce left me no choice but to leave her in an assisted living center in Texas. I regret telling her that I thought her memory lapses meant it was time to sell the ranch. The moment she was strong enough to manipulate her walker, she stole a car and broke out of rehab. Just to prove me wrong. Again.
Now Momma is missing and I’m sandwiched between two impossible choices: stay in DC with my troubled teenager or go to Texas to find my demented mother. Either way, I feel like I’ve already lost.
The story of the Slocum women is the story many of us are facing. Navigating the care of an aging parent while parenting our own children is never easy. Some days you just have to laugh to keep from crying.
This series serves up a generous helping of laughs and hope. It’s a touching addition to your collection of southern small-town, generational authors like Ann B. Ross, Jan Karon, and Beth Hoffman.
Currently I’m reading and enjoying an author new to me, it is still a bargain and so are books 1 & 3 in the series. This is definitely holding my interest.
Every Secret Thing (Acts of Valor, Book 2): Romantic Suspense
Former NFL Player Turned Navy SEAL Battles Life and Death for Love and Justice in the Christian Romantic Suspense, Every Secret Thing, by Rebecca Hartt
–Present Day, Virginia Beach, Virginia–
Navy SEAL Lt. Lucas Strong isn’t about to let his platoon leader, Lt. Mills, go to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. It’s their retiring commander who should face court-martial for amassing stolen weapons. With the evidence proving the commander’s guilt destroyed, and every witness dead, Lucas must find his only remaining hope, Charlotte Patterson, a gutsy NCIS intern with a photographic memory–missing but believed alive.
Another interesting book showed up just when I thought I was done.
Copycat Killer (True Blue K-9 Unit: Brooklyn Book 1)
Murder strikes close to home for a new K-9 unit in Brooklyn
When a double homicide is strikingly familiar to a twenty-year-old cold case, Detective Nate Slater is rattled by the parallels. With a child as the only witness, he and his K-9 partner must protect little Lucy and her aunt, Willow Emery. Nate’s rough past means he always keeps an emotional distance…but in this case getting closer is the only way they’ll all survive.
OK, I’m going to stop looking now.
If you have opinions on any of the authors shared here I would appreciate hearing about it. It would be help me make good choices, to know your likes and dislikes. I’m guessing on somethings and could be wrong. Please leave comments. Much appreciated.
Podcasts. They have captured my attention and it would be safe to say I have been binge-watching often lately. Tonight was no exception and this is where the one-thing-lead-to-another comes in. And, in the end it led to books. I think that is quite awesome.
It’s no secret that there is abuse in my background. I’ve talked about it sparingly along the way and by the looks of it, will be sharing again.
As is often the case, the interviewee on the podcast has recently come out with a new book. Out of the six excellent videos watched tonight, the one to capture my interest the most was a story similar to mine. The ending in relation to her marriage was better than mine, aside from that though, the content was definitely helpful. Spoiler alert… the issue in the marriage was pornography, highly addictive and destructive. At the end of this post I’ll share the link for the podcast. Here is the book…
Choosing a Way Out: When the Bottom Isn’t the Bottom
Was it all a lie?
When the author heard her husband’s confession, it took her breath away. Looking back she realized her husband’s sin exposed the deception in her own life. This uninvited crisis proved to be the impetus for her ultimate healing.
Kirsten writes that for most of her adult life she believed:
• She wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or rich enough, or talented enough, or whatever enough.
• She wasn’t a good person. She was too stubborn, opinionated, and direct.
• She was a failure because she’d tried something bold and audacious and didn’t succeed like planned.
• She was invisible and forgettable.
In these pages, you’ll experience raw honesty and a clear path through the pain. You’ll realize that no depression is too dark and no lie too strong. Discover a powerful process where you exchange isolation for accountability and deception for deliverance. Today you can experience a way out, even in the bleakest of circumstances where the bottom doesn’t feel like the bottom. The truth is that God is greater than your pain.
In the suggestion strip at the bottom of the screen there was a book that appears to apply to me. The longer I looked at it, the more familiar it felt. I checked. I have two copies of it, gifted years ago by a concerned friend. I have read it and taken copious notes, it was that helpful. I have it but will tell you about it again anyway.
The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
For those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and those who love and care for them, The Wounded Heart offers a tender, compassionate window into the psychological effects of abuse and the theological foundations for healing.
Thirty years ago, with great courage and vision, Dan Allender brought Christians to the table to acknowledge, understand, and help victims heal from their experience of the evil of sexual abuse. His work continues to help victims and those who love them to honestly acknowledge their abuse, understand the unique challenge of repentance for victims of abuse, and learn to love boldly in defiance of their trauma. Ultimately Dan offers the bold assurance to sexual abuse victims that even they can find their way to joy and hope in the comforting embrace of a good God.
The Wounded Heart has sold over 400,000 copies and has been the first book family, friends, counselors, pastors, and victims have turned to in search of Christian answers to the calamity of sexual abuse. With a new introduction reflecting on the ongoing importance of the book, and a companion workbook for personal and group recovery, The Wounded Heart continues to offer an urgently needed word of grace in a world ravaged by sexual abuse.
So, further investigation led me to a newer book that I think is an updated version of The Wounded Heart. I think I need to read this one too.
Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation
First published in 1989, Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart has helped hundreds of thousands of people come to terms with sexual abuse in their past. Now, more than twenty-five years later, Allender has written a brand-new book on the subject that takes into account recent discoveries about the lasting physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual ramifications of sexual abuse.
With great compassion Allender offers hope for victims of rape, date rape, incest, molestation, sexting, sexual bullying, unwanted advances, pornography, and more, exposing the raw wounds that are left behind and clearing the path toward wholeness and healing. Never minimizing victims’ pain or offering pat spiritual answers that don’t truly address the problem, he instead calls evil evil and lights the way to renewed joy.
Counselors, pastors, and friends of those who have suffered sexual harm will find in this book the deep spiritual guidance they need to effectively minister to the sexually broken around them. Victims themselves will find here a sympathetic friend to walk alongside them on the road to healing.
One more for me from the suggestion strip.
For years I have been working on telling my story, looking for ways to express it more effectively. It’s important for several reasons. It’s therapeutic for me and affirming to those who hear it.
The percentages listed for those suffering as victims of abuse is high.
It looks like the numbers involved in addictions is even higher. Addicts leave victims, adding even more to the number of casualties. The importance of sharing our story is even greater now than it was when I started on this healing journey many years ago.
To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future
God wants to reveal himself through your story. Discover how he has written your life so far, and how he is leading you into the rest of your story.
“This is a book worth reading. To make sense of your life. To discover the role God is giving you in his story.”—John Eldredge, bestselling author of Wild at Heart and Get Your Life Back
Everyone wants clearer guidance from God on what to do with their future. In this insightful book, therapist and professor Dan Allender shows you how to listen to the stories of your life and identify the themes that God has written there. As you begin to understand both the hope and the heartache, you will gain a clearer sense of the meaning that God has written into every detail of who you are. You’ll also see how he invites you to join him in coauthoring the rest of your story. God is your Author, and he is showing you how to follow him into the future.
In the above blurb the book Wild at Heart is mentioned. Excellent book. I have read my copy and highly recommend it. It’s written for men but gives helpful insight to the women in their lives.
Wild at Heart Expanded Edition: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
God did not create men to be nice boys. He created us to live a life of passion, freedom and adventure. To be dangerous men living in a really big story.
God designed men to be powerful. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: to be a hero, a warrior, to love a beauty, to live a life of adventure.
But sometime between boyhood and the struggles of yesterday, most men lose heart. All those passions, dreams, and desires get buried under deadlines, pressures, and disappointments. Christianity feels irrelevant to the recovery of their heart. No wonder most men leads lives of quiet resignation, meanwhile looking for a little “life” on the side. In this provocative book, Eldredge invites men to wholeheartedness by
recovering their true masculine hearts;
healing the wounds and trauma in their stories; and
delighting in the strength and wildness they were created to offer the world.
In this updated and expanded edition of the timeless, bestselling classic, John Eldredge calls men—and the women who love them—to discover the true secret of a man’s soul and embrace the danger, passion, and freedom God intended for every man.
I didn’t plan for this post to go so long but it’s all good stuff.
As promised, here is the link for the podcast that started this ball rolling for me. The interview was in two parts and it was the second that impacted me the most. They were both good though.
It would probably be a good idea to watch part one first to give you context. Due to the length of this post I won’t include the link but it will show up for you when this one is opened.
I hope this will be as helpful to you on your journey as it has been to me on mine.
This is one of those just say something kind of days. You know, those days when it’s time to write a post and you have nothing.
So, this title is the thought that’s been rolling around in my head all day. It’s entirely true, and to my mind, it’s hilarious. I love a good play on words.
Probably the reason why this idea is lodged securely in my mind, like a silly song that stays with you all day, is because I lived it over the weekend.
Saturday afternoon was the time for our regular monthly writer’s group. We take turns chairing the meeting and February was supposed to be my turn. It’s bad enough when we meet in person and I can look around the table to see everyone; make it a Zoom meeting and it is confusing and worse. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do a good job and decided to look for a fill-in. I felt the group deserved to have a better experience than I could give them.
Some time after arranging my replacement I read and enjoyed a book featured in a previous blog post here. This added a new element to the meeting as I shared my enjoyment with the rest of the executive. With the help of several of our group members who knew her personally, I was able to contact the author. She would love to read an excerpt for us from her short story. Once this was all settled the agenda came out for the meeting and I was surprised to find I was still on it. In a smaller capacity but still. No one said a word, they just snuck it in there.
It all worked out ok. I was ready with my part mapped out in my head and it went smoothly. Probably because concern for my newly assigned task overshadowed every other worry.
In the end, I had the ability. It wasn’t like I couldn’t do it before but now I could.
The best way to describe why I couldn’t do it would be disability. Something crippling my ability
At this point I can hear one of our best writers saying “when you make statements like that I want to hear details”
I can tell you that I have complex PTSD from ongoing childhood abuse. It started before I was born and ended when I was twelve. I can’t give you details because I don’t have memories. They talk about abuse victims compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism. That’s what my mind did. Ninety-eight percent of my childhood memories are locked in a sealed vault and even though I’ve given myself permission to bring some of them out, for the most part, it’s not happening. I was describing it to my daughter the other day, It’s like watching a room with small windows… every now and then a shadow goes past. That’s the extent of it.
I’ve been in heavy denial about all of this for most of my life. Up until about fifteen years ago when one of my brothers insisted that I own it and admit the truth. This admission was the beginning of a new dimension in my healing journey
One discovery along the way was this: My disability comes not from memories but from triggers rising out of memories buried deep inside me. The deep place that will never forget.
In the past I refused to even think about the shadowy memories I did have.
It turned out there was a better way. I could stop and examine the shadows. Ask questions. Try to understand family dynamics and recognize what was behind abusive actions. There were many well-that-explains-a-lot moments once I allowed myself to question, to take a honest look.
So, I guess the question is, how does this affect my ability to do or not to do? It’s this way… my survival response is to shut down.
Freeze. Panic attacks.
I’ve had many theories about why this is.
A break through moment tells me it’s all about feeling safe.
Why don’t I feel safe? Honestly, aside from rooted in old memories, I have no idea.
I think it will take more than my lifetime to heal from this.
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. At least I’m making progress.
Maybe can’t could even turn into can someday.
One thing I know for sure, I’m not alone on this journey. Many others walk a similar path.
Sharing our stories is an effective way to add support to our fellow travelers.
I will admit this started with a light heart but didn’t end that way. That’s not a bad thing. Honesty is the good thing.