my story

Dreams and all that December 18, 2021

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I’m writing this in an effort to work my way out of this morning’s brain fog. There are many things on my mind these days but nothing coherent. Not clear enough to write a decent post anyway and I’m in a fix.

Some of this extra brain activity was showing up in crazy dreams this morning. But what do they mean? That’s the mystery. I was sitting here at the dinning room table looking out the narrow window by the front door when a delivery man from the country of residence for my son walked up, turned the knob and entered. I had no idea who he was, why he was here, or if I should be afraid. I screamed anyway and woke up.

Two nights ago I decided it was time to change sides of the bed. I have been sleeping on the same side for decades and was rather attached. I’ve entertained the thought of moving many times over the years but it was never an attractive idea. This time I made the decision and suddenly it has become a life changing moment. I have no idea why. I feel like I’m taking off on a new adventure.

The reason for the change was nothing earth shattering, it was simply to make use of the unused quarters of the mattress that were still like new.

I’m enjoying this sense of a new chapter in my life. I have no idea what it means or what it will look like but that doesn’t dampen the sense of anticipation.

So back to the dreams.

When overnight visitors come to my house and are shown to their room they automatically turn left to mine, which is kind of funny because they can’t see in the room yet. So, my door is closed, I open it to go in and someone has taken over my room, sleeping in my spot. What am I supposed to do now? Rather than try to boot them out I closed the door and left. I need to work on that.

Then, a recurring dream popped up.

I’m living in a big house. The main floor is large but the downstairs is larger. It has six or eight bedrooms, the floor plan is divided up into three main areas, each distinct from the other. All of them interesting and unique. I’ve dreamed about this house many times. No idea why.

Maybe all this dream activity is related to my son, his wife and daughter. They are planning a trip home for an extended visit after a number of years away. Their boys arrived in September and are living with their aunt, uncle, and cousins. Usually the family settles on the west coast using it as home base. Maybe this time they will settle here in the middle of the country. Maybe it will be my turn to host them.

We will likely find out tonight on our regular zoom call.

Instead of falling back to sleep I should have stayed up this morning after turning up the heat.

But then I would have missed out on all the fun dreams.

There were more but I’m sparing you the details.

OK, I’m awake now, the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. I should get ready to see what else the day can hold.

We will talk books in the next post.

C-PTSD conversation December 12, 2021

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Trigger alert. Don’t read this if you are easily triggered or distressed with abuse stories. For sure don’t read this if my story distresses you. (family, friends.) I do promise there will be no explicit details. Generalities are bad enough.

Why now? you ask… It’s time.

If you are a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers. This is going to cost me, big time. It has to happen sometime and it feels like the time is now so I’ll carry on.

Why even do this?… It will be cathartic.

Advance warning – I do plan to end on a positive note. Something healing happened this week and I will share what that was.

Most of my life has been intentionally lived as if my past never happened. Parts of my adult life have been lived as a public figure, no one connected with me knew my background. It was all a secret.

There are two reasons for not speaking up sooner. One was that I had deeply repressed memories (still do) and wouldn’t admit to my suspicions without proof. My brother made me admit the abuse about 15 years ago when I was no longer a young woman.

The second reason (excuse) was tied up in protecting the reputation of the abuser. My outlook on that aspect has changed and protecting him no longer seems as important. I guess I was reluctant for family reasons too. None of that seems as important now either..

The reason for the abuse and the form it took is complex. I’m fairly certain there was abuse in Dad’s background which would explain why his alcoholism was firmly established by mid teens. It would also explain the sex addiction which probably started in early to mid teens as well.

An unplanned pregnancy (me) with unwanted responsibilities and lifestyle changes added rage to the mix.

Double addictions along with rage brought variety to the abuse. Selfish, immature, vindictive traits, didn’t help either.

So, all of that to say the abuse started early and took different forms depending on mood and availability. As the years went by access became more readily available. Mom had a job and also spent significant time in hospital fighting cancer. The last two years with him were the worst.

Dad was an extrovert and there were always visitors on the property. He was not adverse to sharing with his friends. As the abuse progressed I was groomed and trafficked. Money was a big draw. He was always in need of another bottle of whiskey. He was proud of his grooming.

My brothers and I were rescued as I turned twelve. Mom had to spend another stint in hospital and we were sent to stay with my grandmother. She insisted.

The door in my mind was slammed shut on all of the repressed memories. The experiences endured were unpleasant and as a teen there was not a speck of me wanting to be sexually active with boys. I’m grateful.

There were little clues in some of my irrational responses and thought patterns back then that might have been a tip-off if I had been willing to examine them.

Over the years prayer has been a very important part of my healing journey. I keep asking God to heal the exposed broken places that I have no idea how to fix or move past. He has been healing me incrementally for years, and friends and family are noticing the difference.

The positive note to end this post is about one of those healing times.

One of the aspects of intimacy, the experts say, is the connection formed in that moment. Casual or serious makes no difference.

I know it’s true. The relationship changes once that bridge has been crossed. The connection with your first is probably the strongest. Dad was my first and there were many more after him.

The last while I have been allowing myself to relax and let memories resurface if they want to. Sometimes it’s been emotions, sometimes bits of memories. There has been a heavy sense of connection to Dad.

This week in answer to prayer that connection with him has been broken. It’s gone, for him and all the other men he allowed in my life. I felt the emotion drain out of me and now I feel nothing for him.

I’ve let go of anger, I’ve forgiven him, the connection has been broken, and now the secret has been revealed.

There will still be triggers, more healing needed, and more issues to be faced. In the aftermath there will be a price to pay for sharing this story. It’s part of the deal.

Despite all of that I’m celebrating, in a numb kind of way. The secret is out. Another hurdle in the healing journey has been crossed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

The sun is peeking from behind the dark clouds.

A little this and that December 10, 2021

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Short and sweet. That’s what this is going to be. One hour until the midnight deadline.

Have you ever wondered if there are any positive values in reading romance stories? Aside from the entertainment value?

I can’t say that I’ve ever considered it but the question unexpectedly popped into my head this week. I am still surprised at the answer that slipped in along with it.

Before I let you in on the answer, it will make more sense if I remind you of my abusive history with men. Rather an understatement but we won’t go into details. Too depressing.

Often I’ve considered my situation compared to the things I’m reading. There are no men in my life, I don’t expect there ever will be. Why would I bother with romance. Truthfully, as I consider all the thought patterns I’ve had in relation to this consideration in the last while– I am over thinking, again. Quit it.

The new question, though, about value in these stories has introduced a good reason to keep reading them.

Spending time with positive role model characters has had a positive effect on my attitude toward men. The upbeat reads keep reminding me there are good men out there. They are not all selfish and abusive.

I’m realizing a regular diet of such stories has had a big part to play in keeping my heart soft and open.

It would be easy to become hard and bitter, especially if most of my time was spent living in my own negative thought patterns.

I think these books have also contributed to an upbeat and hopeful outlook.

It’s true what they say. Stories can impact and influence our lives in more ways than we can imagine.

***************

A quick close.

This a has been a good week, reading wise. I’ve been able to stick with it and work my way through a number of collections. Several of them started out with tales I loved and could not drag myself away from.

I’ll leave you will several of them (not all collections but still, read and enjoyed).

Happy Reading

This and that December 05, 2021

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Am I allowed to do a this-and-that type of post two days in a row? I sure hope so because this is another I’ve-got-nothing kind of day. The usual book suggestion sites have not appeared, never mind not having interesting offerings.

Personally, I’m just as happy they didn’t as I need a reprieve from more books. I’m not reading a book a day like I had been and things are getting out of hand. I feel like I have brain fog going on too and it is not easy to settle down and spend the time it takes.

Along with that, YouTube videos call out to me every time I pass the computer, and if it’s not videos it’s games. Highly distracting and time consuming at a time I should be focusing.

As I watched this video with all the debris being carried on down the river I was thinking about the deposits left when the waters recede. Houses with all their contents and vehicles swept away, hopefully with no people in them, will have to show up somewhere when this is all over.

It’s hard to imagine raging water swallowing up people’s property. Nothing left for them to go back to. I wonder how they would be compensated for that? It’s not just damaged, it’s gone.

I’m stopping for lunch and another attempt at finishing the current book. While I’m thinking about what to say next.

Maybe there will be part two for this.

I’m planning on it.

Soon.

A little bit of nothing December 04, 2021

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If I don’t want to break my posting streak… I’d better write

I have nothing to say so this is where I just start talking and see what comes out.

Today was our regular monthly writers group meeting and I was planning to go. I’d signed up for read and critique. I read, they critique. I was looking forward to it and it turned out better than hoped. Now, I’m looking forward to the rewrite. I’ll share soon.

The theme was Christmas.

I’ve been reluctant to write about family traditions, memories, and all of that. With my dysfunctional and abusive childhood, I don’t have many memories, never mind good ones.

This year it seemed it was time to write something.

I have to say, the exercise turned out to be an uplifting experience. The piece started on a somber note and ended with a lighthearted vibe. It wasn’t until I reread it before the meeting that I fully appreciated the transition to happy.

It’s easy to get caught up in past memories, forgetting about present blessings.

Life has been good to me. It hasn’t been perfect, it never is. But when I think about the way life could have gone post-abuse, I’m grateful.

There are many reasons why life turned out so well but I think the main one had to do with choices.

Years ago, a visitor looked around our house and her comment left me stunned. “Why do you get to live in such a nice place.”

I’ve since considered that comment many times. Eventually I could verbalize some things. We weren’t special. We weren’t living in a higher price range with something they couldn’t have had. It all had to do with choices.

Cheerful is important to me. I can handle the tough parts of life if my surroundings are visually pleasing.

We chose to hold out for the right place. We looked at a lot of places before finding the one but it was worth it.

Don’t settle. That’s my motto. Hold out for pleasing.

This day is nearly over and time is running out.

I can’t leave without saying, there have been no good book suggestions today. I have been reading an enjoyable collection, though.

Sadly, the collection is from last year and no longer available on Kindle.

I’m not sure how I missed reading it last year.

There are a few still available in paperback.

Well. I fulfilled my promise of having nothing much to say, don’t you think.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Happy Reading.

Bargain books November 19, 2021

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Two suggestions today, from BookBub and 1531 Entertainment.

The first one is mystery and the second historical romance.

Collision of Lies 

Three years ago, a collision between a fast-moving freight train and a school bus full of kids led to devastation and grief on an unimaginable scale. But a fresh clue leads San Antonio police detective Amara Alvarez to the unlikely conclusion that one of the children may still be alive. If she’s correct, everything law enforcement believes about the accident is a lie.

With time running out, Amara must convince others–and herself–that despite all evidence to the contrary, the boy lives. And she will do everything in her power to bring him home.

***********************

To Discover Her Heart’s Longing: A Historical Western Romance Book 

Amy Richardson never imagined that staying at the orphanage she called home would put her at such risk. When she realizes that someone from her past isn’t ready to let her go, her future suddenly becomes uncertain. Forced to flee west in hopes of starting over, little does she know that things are about to get even more complicated. Arriving in a new town to meet her husband-to-be, she is shocked to find that he has no idea of her existence…

Will Amy ever find the safety she longs for in this new place?

After his father’s death, Peter McKelvey never intended to get married. So when his mother shows up with Amy as a mail-order bride arranged on his behalf, he is stunned. Seeing Amy’s dismay at his reaction though, he can’t bring himself to turn her away and hires her as a cook on his ranch. Yet as he begins to realize that she could be in very real danger, keeping his distance from Amy may not be possible if he wants to keep her safe…

Will Peter allow himself to care for Amy and even open up his heart to love?

With an unexpected bond between Peter and Amy growing, so do the challenges that face them. As they try to deal with the threats coming their way, Amy is still keeping secrets… Will Peter and Amy manage to trust each other and their budding feelings? Or will they lose everything to ghosts from the past?

***************************

It has been a bit of a mixed up day. In many ways upsetting.

It seems like difficult situations stir things up in a way that we are forced to see elements of our life in a new light.

It’s easy to think I’ve made a lot of progress in my abusive healing journey and it’s a major shock when unexpected triggers happen.

I don’t pretend to be rational when that happens. I know I am a pro at knee jerk reactions.

It’s hard to know for sure what is reflex and what is me standing up for myself.

The trouble is it’s likely some of both.

The beauty of living alone in isolation is the absence of triggers. Social situations are a minefield especially when the interaction is between badly wounded souls. We understand better than most but we also trigger each other.

The desire to walk away is very real.

I’m sure you can guess my choice.

Now I’m thinking through the event trying to see how I can learn from it and do better in the future.

I would say other than that it’s been a good day but I can’t. It hasn’t been the worst day of my life but…

I’m gonna go finish my book. Drown my sorrows.

It’s the weekend, that’s encouraging.

This and that November 14, 2021

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Our neighborhood woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. The first serious bit of snow this winter. It’s wet and heavy, perfect for making snowballs and snow men. I wonder if snowball fights are a thing anymore? I haven’t noticed one in a long while.

Shoveling is not a lot of fun with this heavy stuff. I’m all the more grateful for a kind neighbor. He’s smart. He cleared both driveways yesterday when there wasn’t much and then again today. I have a snowblower he uses with serious snow but this time he shoveled. Must be wanting the exercise.

I’m taking a break from exercise at the moment. Vacuuming. This is a make do day. My vacuum cleaner motor went a few weeks ago and it hasn’t been replaced. I have been using a broom and mop but today I had a brilliant idea. Why not use the shop vac, it should work in a pinch. It had to be cleaned up a bit and it’s awkward but it does a reasonable job.

The other thing on my agenda was reading up on bonsai and how to do it and care for them. I like the look but have no experience. My daughter gifted me with three cuttings off of the bonsai that has gotten away on them. I think it’s going to be fun to learn.

My plant menagerie was getting a little out of hand too. The aloe plant split in about 6 different ways and was crazy. I was feeling ruthless so I tossed all but one stem which I repotted. The ruthlessness continued on with tossing entirely a neglected plant from an unused bedroom. I could have kept a cutting but the plant grows like crazy if it’s watered properly and I don’t really have a good place for it anyway. Company is coming next week so it seemed like the perfect time to say bye bye.

I just saw a snowmobile go by on the back of a pick-up truck. Guys eager to get back out there for winter sports.

I’ll leave you with a shot of my new cuttings. The vacuum is calling my name.

Happy Sunday

C-PTSD this and that November 12, 2021

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The worst thing about an emotionally high day, is the low day that is sure to follow. After two in a row, it has me seriously considering sticking to emotionally mediocre days. This statement is truer than I like to admit.

Today was one of those low days and most of the day was past me before I tried to derail my negative thoughts, replacing them with healthier positive ones. The hardest thing about accomplishing this is the high level of self discipline required.

Cracking out a Christmas DVD seemed like a good distraction and it was helpful. It even gave me the push needed to prepare supper for myself.

On these down days it’s easy to neglect eating altogether. Not exacting the best way to keep my emotions on a even keel

What we eat, or don’t eat as the case may be, can have a huge impact on our emotional well being, but who feels like thinking about it some days.

Usually after a week or two or three of avoiding the grocery store I stock up on bananas and vegetables and then wonder why I feel so much better all of a sudden.

For a few days I plan to do better but after awhile I lose the will power to stop the vicious cycle.

Hope lives eternal though. I hope that one day things will change and these unhealthy days will be behind me.

I know I’m not alone in this dilemma, I’m hearing similar struggles expressed by others.

When others are having similar issues, I have to wonder what’s behind it (besides PTSD). Seasonal changes? Political struggles? (everyone seems to have them these days) Something else going on? We may never know.

This song is from the DVD I was watching earlier. It’s upbeat and cheerful, just what was needed today.

**********************

I’m gong back to my book for awhile.

My current read is from earlier today and it’s not easy to put down.

Security Detail: Faith in the Face of Crime (Secret Service Agents Book 1)

Happy Reading y’all

C-PTSD – The hardest part of socializing. November 08, 2021

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I need to talk to figure some things out before I explode.

The thing I hate the most about socializing? The aftermath. There is always a price to pay.

At the moment I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and codependent. Maybe not codependent so much as the first three.

I don’t like it.

I didn’t want to go to the social event in the first place but I caved. The carrot waved in front of my nose was a reason to be there.

I said yes, as I often do. It turned out better than expected and I enjoyed being there with everyone but…

I wish I had control over triggers and the resulting reactions, but I don’t.

*****

With the over use of the word “I” you can tell this is all about me.

The thing is, it is but it isn’t.

It was easy to pick up on the awkwardness and the hurt feelings on why I haven’t been going to the monthly meetings.

I’ve tried to explain it is because of the emotional/mental space I am in this year.

I’ve tried to explain about this and the whole PTSD struggle influencing these decisions.

The trouble is it isn’t met with a real understanding of the issue, and why would there be when they have not experienced it personally.

And then there is the “you don’t look sick” assessment adding doubt of my reasons.

I feel bad I am making them feel uncomfortable and hurt. I’ve tried to say things in a way to leave as little hurt as possible. I feel like I’m not very good at achieving this goal. Maybe it’s an impossible goal.

***********

I’ve thought about telling them my story, more than the bits and pieces already shared. I can’t do that though. They don’t deserve to be saddled with hearing the devastating details of my life.

The worst thing about all of this is the domino effect. Suddenly I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and maybe even codependent in other relationships.

It all has me wanting to ….

I’m not going to name what I’m wanting to do …

Saying these things out loud could lead me to making decisions I would later regret.

*****************

This too shall pass, it always does.

Will life look the same afterward.

Probably not, maybe not.

I don’t know.

*********************

It’s impossible to walk through the fires of life and not win-some lose-some.

Cheeky boys Nov 06, 2021

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Everything I post must be dated; how else will I remember where it belongs in the grand scheme of things whenever it gets a fresh like. Just sayin’

So, back to my cheeky boys.

I was relaxing with my game, watching a music video, and my gaze landed on my treasured Merry Christmas blocks.

There’s not too much I can say because everyone takes a turn at it. Even me sometimes, it’s fun.

I have to admit, these guys have quite the imagination. This is the cheekiest one yet. It is now the proud gold medal holder.

This all happened while I wasn’t looking last time they were here.

Their mom was watching though, and I can’t be sure but I think she enacted her power-of-mother veto on whatever wild and hilarious phrase they came up before they settled on this one.

I’m pretty sure I need to be saying thank-you.

Boys will be boys.

I’m still wanting to know what they had that was so funny before this one.

**********

Oh well,

It’s 10:25 PM. Do you think it’s too late for pie and ice cream?

Me neither.

Pie and my book, what could be better.

I’ll sit and eat my pie where I can look at my Merry Christmas blocks and dream about something wittier.

I think their gold medal is pretty safe at the moment.

Maybe I’ll just eat and read.