I’m a peace maker at heart, wanting everyone to feel comfortable. I’ve been hesitant in talking about PTSD here very often because many of my friends are uncomfortable with the topic. Probably because they don’t have it themselves and can’t relate.
However, there is a growing audience for conversations around this subject. Personally, I see it as a good thing.
There are suggestions out there saying there are benefits to be had from writing about our experiences.There are also great benefits in hearing the stories of others. I’m finding both to be helpful in my healing process.
When I think about it, fellow bloggers are not obliged to read a post just because it’s there. I think I need to believe they can make a good decision for themselves without me shielding them. Read or not to read? They have a choice.
Earlier, I was researching some related PTSD material, doing a little fact checking before starting this. It added a few more questions to the mix.
One of my major symptoms is the startle reflex. Sometimes it’s strong enough to lift me off the chair. Not by much but even a sliver is too much in my estimation.
It’s amazing to me how reactions can change from person to person but it works consistently for each person. There was one guy in the office who could appear at my desk without causing so much as a ripple. There were two other guys who were consistently giving me heart attacks. I didn’t see them coming, didn’t know they were coming, so how did the right reaction happen for the right guy? One of the guys thought it was quite funny and took great delight in sneaking up and scaring me. Of course he had no idea what was behind it. Actually back then I didn’t either.
I’m guessing my hyper alert subconscious mind heard them coming and even recognized and identified the foot steps. I was used to these guys and I have no idea how my subconscious mind decided how to react to each one. Baffling.
Looking at them did not cause negative reactions, I had a level of trust which made it all seem rather strange to me.
I am guessing they remind me of someone who was a participant in a bad situation. One that I don’t remember.
Another trigger example related to men. One Sunday, more than 10 years ago, I walked in to the morning church service. As I crossed the foyer I looked up and saw the usher standing at the sanctuary door and stopped dead in my tracks. I wanted to turn around and run. I didn’t. After a few seconds I took myself by the scruff of my emotional inner neck and continued on past him.
I didn’t know the man, had never seen him before. There was nothing remarkable or scary about him. A short middle aged balding guy. Probably a very nice man.
I’ve never forgotten that morning. I still feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. I’m guessing he reminds me of someone. I don’t even want to know who.
You’ve probably guessed I rarely go to church much any more. I’ve gone from rarely missed to rarely there.
Too many triggers.
On a lighter closing note. One of my big plants is blooming for the third time this year. Unusual.
I couldn’t take a sharp in-focus picture to save my life, just saying.
I’m going to go read my book now for awhile and calm down about all of this.
It has been good though, I think.
It’s funny how the mind works. I had a whole other post in mind. One I was emotionally invested in most of the day.
In the long run, I’m sure it’s better this way.
Share your thoughts with me, I would love to hear them.