The worst thing about an emotionally high day, is the low day that is sure to follow. After two in a row, it has me seriously considering sticking to emotionally mediocre days. This statement is truer than I like to admit.
Today was one of those low days and most of the day was past me before I tried to derail my negative thoughts, replacing them with healthier positive ones. The hardest thing about accomplishing this is the high level of self discipline required.
Cracking out a Christmas DVD seemed like a good distraction and it was helpful. It even gave me the push needed to prepare supper for myself.
On these down days it’s easy to neglect eating altogether. Not exacting the best way to keep my emotions on a even keel
What we eat, or don’t eat as the case may be, can have a huge impact on our emotional well being, but who feels like thinking about it some days.
Usually after a week or two or three of avoiding the grocery store I stock up on bananas and vegetables and then wonder why I feel so much better all of a sudden.
For a few days I plan to do better but after awhile I lose the will power to stop the vicious cycle.
Hope lives eternal though. I hope that one day things will change and these unhealthy days will be behind me.
I know I’m not alone in this dilemma, I’m hearing similar struggles expressed by others.
When others are having similar issues, I have to wonder what’s behind it (besides PTSD). Seasonal changes? Political struggles? (everyone seems to have them these days) Something else going on? We may never know.
This song is from the DVD I was watching earlier. It’s upbeat and cheerful, just what was needed today.
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I’m gong back to my book for awhile.
My current read is from earlier today and it’s not easy to put down.
Security Detail: Faith in the Face of Crime (Secret Service Agents Book 1)
BookBub has an interesting suggestion for us. It is book 2 in the series and since book 1 is also a bargain I think we need them both. I suspect book 2 will make more sense after reading book 1.
Tomorrow’s Blessings: A Blueberry Beach NovelBook 2
Anitra Pollard has lived in Blueberry Beach all her life, an idyllic small, lakeside town where regular people go to escape real life.
Unfortunately Anitra’s real life couldn’t get much worse, despite the idyllic setting.
Her husband left not long before her oldest son was diagnosed with leukemia. Worse, the head doctor on the team assigned to her son looks very much like the man she had a short, but very sweet, summer fling with…and the father of the child she carries.
Her life couldn’t get any harder or messier, but she will let nothing get in the way of getting the very best care for her son, even if it means staying married to her cheating husband to keep his health insurance and rebuffing the overtures of the doctor who thinks he recognizes her.
Thankfully she has the support of her friends and neighbors in Blueberry Beach – her safe harbor in the middle of life’s storms.
But even they can’t protect her from the heartache of losing everything she’s always held dear.
Will her new baby be the beginning of tomorrow’s blessings?
Reviews for Tomorrow’s Blessings:
★★★★★ “Could not put this book down! …this story has interesting twists that keeps you reading; along with doses of humor that will make you laugh out loud. Life is sometimes hard and this book reminds us that God accepts us where we are.” -KBH
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Yesterday’s Treasures: A Blueberry Beach Novel (Blueberry Beach Book 1)
She doesn’t want a divorce, she just wants…something. Something more than being a single mom yet doing a man’s laundry.
After fifteen years of her husband never having time for her, Lindy Coats moves with her teenaged daughter to their summer cottage on the shores of Lake Michigan outside the town of Blueberry Beach.
With a lonely single dad on one side of her, a crochety old business owner on the other and a young mother with terrible secrets and a son fighting leukemia across the road, it doesn’t take Lindy long to discover that learning to enjoy life is less about what she chooses to do for herself and more about what she chooses to do for others.
As she sinks into the small town atmosphere, healing her soul and excited at a new business opportunity, her ex shows up, wanting to reconcile.
Can she decide between her bright tomorrow or come to see the values of yesterday’s treasures?
Enjoy this delightful, heartwarming beach read today!
Reviews for Yesterday’s Treasures:
★★★★★ “Jessie has written an absolutely beautiful story of forgiveness. This story and her characters are believable and relatable. She has perfectly described the raw and real feelings of a couple who’s marriage is in trouble…This is a powerful and gripping story.” -KKRG
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One thing for sure, the lives of these characters look messy. Very messy. It will add interest to the stories, no doubt about that.
If we are honest, messy is not all that unusual in human relationships. Some us may be able to relate and maybe even gain a little hope reading these stories.
This song has been running through my head all morning. Mainly due, I think, to the heavy conversation I’ve been having with a fellow blogger about the depth of hurt life has handed us. I admit the abuse has been a crippling blow but living in a better space is not impossible.
An ongoing discussion today prompts the sharing of these resources for those of us with abusive backgrounds. The effects can be far reaching but not beyond help.
I was introduced to these books when I joined a group working with other women like me, and they were invaluable. A public library may even be a good place to find these.
The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie introduced the world to the term codependency. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a followup volume, The New Codependency, which clears up misconceptions about codependency, identifies how codependent behavior has changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.
The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of codependency is normal behavior. It’s about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity. Narcissism and self-love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken down and analyzed can be successfully combated.
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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
In a crisis, it’s easy to revert to old patterns. Caring for your well-being during the coronavirus pandemic includes maintaining healthy boundaries and saying no to unhealthy relationships.
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America’s best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
Is someone else’s problem your problem? If, like so many others, you’ve lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else’s, you may be codependent–and you may find yourself in this book–Codependent No More. The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America’s best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
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Along with these two books this next one is important companion book
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Do you feel like your life has spiraled out of control? Have you focused so much on being loving and unselfish that you’ve forgotten your own limits? Do you find yourself taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and problems? In Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend teach you the ins and outs of setting the boundaries that will transform your daily life.
Boundaries, a New York Times bestseller, will give you the tools you need to learn to say yes and know how to say no. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend are here to share the lessons they’ve learned in their years of practicing psychology and studying the patterns and practices that support clear biblical boundaries.
The emotional walls many of us put up to protect ourselves from hurt (emotional) or harm (physical).
The trouble with those walls – they don’t just keep out the bad stuff, they keep out the good stuff too.
Some of us have flimsy walls that go up and down, depending on what life is doing to us in the moment.
Others have walls that have grown in thickness and height enough to compare with Fort Knox. That’s the famous institution where the USA keeps it’s gold bullion. The ultimate in fortress walls.
The thicker and higher, the harder it is to bring them down, never mind let someone in for a moment. A very lonely life.
At this stage for me, I have walls that go up and down. They are mostly down but there are still circumstances where I feel threatened, at risk, distrustful, and the walls go up.
A small percentage of the time they may be warranted but the rest of the time the threat I perceive is not real.
I’ve being trying to find a solution, a way to handle triggers and paranoia in certain circumstances and that led me to thinking about boundaries.
The beauty of boundaries is the height. They can be markings on the road, they can be curbs, guardrails, fences. They are usually something that allows for communication and interaction while still acting as a barrier.
I think changing from walls to boundaries will take some serious consideration. A change in mindset.
I haven’t figured it all out yet. How to establish something appropriate and workable. Since we don’t actually have physical boundaries it has to be something that can be expressed in words. Something I can live with and put into practice.
Mostly I feel uncomfortable in public spaces. It will be a challenge to find ways to make that work. What would it take to make me feel safe.
At this point I have no idea what that would even look like but I’m willing to consider it.
Mainly because walls are not working out all that well for me, wanting to leave isolation behind.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
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This is a book I’ve had on my shelf for a very long time. I think I need to read it again. Maybe it will give me some good ideas.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition:When to Say Yes, How to Say NoTo Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries is the book that’s helped over 4 million people learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of their lives.
Does your life feel like it’s out of control? Perhaps you feel like you have to say yes to everyone’s requests. Maybe you find yourself readily taking responsibility for others’ feelings and problems. Or perhaps you focus so much on being loving and unselfish that you’ve forgotten your own limits and limitations. Or maybe it’s all of the above.
In the New York Times bestseller, Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend help you learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of your life and set healthy, biblical boundaries with your spouse, children, friends, parents, co-workers, and even yourself.
Now updated and expanded for the digital age, this book continues to help millions of people around the world answer these tough questions:
Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
What are legitimate boundaries?
How do I effectively manage my digital life so that it doesn’t control me?
What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
This has been a good book week! It’s funny how fickle these weeks can be, feast or famine. So here we go.
1531 Entertainment has two suggestions for us. I have no idea how any of these will truly go as I’ve not read any of these authors yet. It will be an adventure. Alaska sounds like an adventure and it’s calling.
Alaska Calling: Alaskan Women of Caliber Series Book 2
I’D REACHED MY DREAM CAREER AS AN RN
THEN THE DOUBT OF MY CALLING CHALLENGED MY FAITH.
After two years of working in a small city close to my family in Canada, my heart remains unsettled. Now, I find myself at a crossroads, not knowing which way to turn.
My calling seemed certain, now I question my career path and my relationship with my boyfriend. My futile efforts to pretend it’s all okay displace me, spinning me loose, and my world threatens to toss me into disarray. But the winds of change bring a hopeful challenge when a letter arrives from a nurse in Alaska inviting me to work at a remote clinic. Perhaps God has more in mind for me than I hope for myself.
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When Loving Eyes Meet: A Historical Western Romance Book
At the young age of twenty years, Annette Prader has already tasted tragedy. After the loss of her older brothers, she stepped in to help with both the family’s saddle shop and the household with patience and grace. Ever the dutiful daughter, Annette agrees to an arranged marriage and puts aside her dream of a fairytale romance. Her world is turned upside down, though, when a charming but mysterious man enters her life, and soon she finds herself deeply in love. Annette’s destiny is about to change for good but will this mean risking her loyalty to her family?
Unbeknownst to her, this charming man comes with a secret that may break her heart and perhaps cost her very life…
Αfter his father was falsely accused of murder twenty years ago, Fletch Skinner has been living a secluded life carrying the burden of his true identity. Sick and tired of the injustice, Fletch has vowed to find the real murderer that cost his father’s life, and to clear his family name. When he comes back to town though, he can’t imagine that a saddle shop will be the place to meet the woman of his dreams. Will this fateful encounter be the reason to break his solitary habits and to allow a glimmer of light back into the darkness of his life?
Seeking truth and justice, Fletch will find danger and even a chance at true love…
When their paths cross, Annette and Fletch’s fates seem predetermined. However, a life-threatening accident will bring them together and change the course of their lives forever. Yet, with Fletch’s identity getting revealed and Annette’s fear to not let her family down, can they even dare to follow their hearts and replace old grievances and long-held secrets with hope and love?
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The first book is quite short and the second one is very long. Added together they could be considered regular length don’t you think? Sounds perfectly logical to me. Or maybe it’s justification. Hmmm.
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BookRunes also has a suggestion. It’s book 1 of a continued 3 book story. The reviews say it is a must see read. This is another author new to me. I’m not sure what to expect but it sounds like it’s worth a try.
Hating God Trilogy: Hating God, Ignoring God, Loving God
This quote: is regarding book 1 but the same characters are in all three.
If Susan Buckley actually believed in God, she would probably hate Him. Orphaned by a drunk driver as a young girl, she has developed a rather healthy dislike of anyone or anything vaguely religious.
In her senior year of college, Susan is a leader in the Woman’s Study Department. The last thing she needs is a romantic distraction to take away from her top academic standing.
What she can’t figure out is why Carl Spenser, a wounded warrior who lost his feet in Afghanistan, doesn’t hate God. It makes no sense to her at all that Carl gives thanks in everything he does to such a ruthless God.
Granted, Carl is a rather attractive man, but Susan can’t figure out why she is so drawn to him; like a flower to the sun. All she has ever been taught is that a religious man is in total opposition to a worldly woman, yet he intrigues her. Sparks fly whenever they are in the same room?
Who is the mysterious Maria Alvarez and why is she always with Carl and why should this bother Susan if she has absolutely no interest in him? Maria is so loving, that she and Susan soon become fast friends which really complicates everything.
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I was wanting to talk about something other than books somewhere along the way but it may have to wait until the weekend. It will be here in a moment, anyway, the way the days are flying by.
I can hear someone saying, if he was with you why wasn’t God with me when I was being traumatized?
He was, but there are a few things that make a difference.
I had elderly relatives who knew the situation, at least partially, and were talking to God about me every day. They were also loving on me and telling me about God every chance they had, which wasn’t often. I knew about him and knew to look for him in the room I’d run to in my mind. Escape from the horror.
On top of that, though my parents were running away from God he was still a topic in our home. Dad’s family was Roman Catholic and church attendance was an important and significant part of their family life. Before they were married Mom had to promise the kids would be raised Catholic.
Mom’s parents were Protestant and Grandpa was a pastor. There was angst in our home due to mom’s guilt over living a lifestyle that was heart breaking to her parents.
We never did go to church anywhere and the three of us kids were sent to public school.
I was always a super sensitive kid. Without God I probably would not have survived.
God is with all of us, always, but if we aren’t aware he exists we wouldn’t know to look for him.
God didn’t keep bad things from happening to me but I know he kept things from being much worse than they could have been.
After my third child was born Mom got back together with God. One day she shared with me about looking back over the days of her rebelliousness (oh yes, she was rebellious.) Even though she did whatever she wanted, God was still looking out for her. She could see many places in her life where he had rescued her.
As healthy parents, we never stop loving our kids (at least most of us don’t) no matter how how badly they behave.
God wants a big family and he is aware of every single child that is conceived. He loves them all. That’s mind blowing.
He’s been with you every single day, even if you don’t know it.
I’ve had this post in mind for two days now but it was on forgiveness, a comment yesterday changed my trajectory.
The observation was that I love books but people?… not so much.
At first I agreed with that assessment. It’s true I do have deep trust issues and live a solitary life on a day to day basis.
This morning I woke up feeling an overwhelming love for people. This is not uncommon. I’ve experienced this most of my life.
This last while, I’ve been troubled, not able to identify how both could be true, trust and distrust. Especially when it came to men. My dad was abusive. I have two brothers, they were abused. I hated my dad but loved my brothers? Is that what’s behind it? It doesn’t seem to fit but if not that, then what?
Take for example, my neighbor: I’ve shared with her some of my story. She has first hand knowledge of my struggle with trust issues and triggers. I’ve accepted her event invitations and cancelled at the last minute because I knew men would be there and I couldn’t make myself go. And yet… if we were standing in her drive way with her husband and he cracked a joke I was relaxed enough to laugh. I could tell by her body language that she was not happy and was now doubting my story. Which is true? The uptight or the relaxed?
So, how can I love and not love at the same time?
This morning I’m reminded, a survival tool for the severally abused is compartmentalization.
When I’m conscious of me and what I’m feeling, and people get too close – triggers happen, I’m reacting and not liking it.
When I forget about me entirely and my focus is completely on the other person, I feel empathy and love. I’m open and relaxed.
Where does all of this come from?
This morning I’m recognizing, it’s coming from my inner circle, the place where only three humans have ever been, or should have been. It would be truer to say they should have been there but all three chose to live outside of it, emotionally unavailable to me. One of them chose to visit the inner circle occasionally but only physically and in an abusive way.
Now, when I struggle with relating to people as the focus is directed toward me, I’m realizing it’s the result of the trauma inflicted on me by three. That’s one compartment.
There is another compartment where God shows up in the inner circle. This was my place of refuge in traumatic times. God was always there and has continued to be there, emotionally available to me my whole life.
This is how I can love and not love at the same time.
Wherever possible, I choose to love with the love I’ve experienced with God in the second compartment.
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The original thought for this post was – How could I be forgiving?
That’s a big question and I still want to share my story. Soon, maybe.
This is sort of a this-and-that conversation, stemming from earlier comments with another blogger on his site. My response was going to be long so a post with more room seemed like the way go. Besides, I’ve been wanting to explore some of these thoughts on here anyway.
In his comment section we were talking about triggers, mood swings, living with integrity and how to calm things down. He says:
I am honest, make pretty good choices
How does integrity work with ptsd?
I agree
“I’m working on trying to change this. Consciously recognizing the times where I’ve taken insult and accepted rejection where none was meant. Baby steps, but it is making a positive difference.”
Ptsd is still raging from intrusive thoughts and trigger and spotting danger.
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For me; living with integrity (honorable, honest, dependable etc) adds up to good mental health – positive mental attitude. Living this way fosters a lack of shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear (fear we will be caught doing something wrong.).
There are other reasons (like the past) we can have these negative experiences but if we do life with integrity the negative emotion load will be reduced significantly. It’s hard to be fair and kind without feeling good about my everyday life and my interactions with people.
Feeling good about life and people has a calming influence on my triggers.
It’s easy for me to mistakenly think I’m doing well in this area if I’m not paying attention. Bouts of anger, impatience, road rage, and any other similar emotions can crop up as I do life. I have to deal with them, let them go and move on to preserve peace.
Aside from the integrity aspect, I’ve worked hard to keep bitterness, anger, and other such related emotions out of my everyday life. Forgiveness is important to my well being.
Most of these negative emotions are relative to the past rather than the present. I’ve forgiven my dad and I can talk about him now without tears or anger. Not so much with several others, tears still flow easily but that is a work in progress.
Another thing that helps me considerably is thinking through what just happened; once the emotions are settled down. Examining memories to identify the original event behind the trigger and facing what happened has helped take the punch out of the trigger.
It doesn’t sound like it should work but it does. A disclaimer though: I don’t know what you have been through so be careful with this one. Some memories should not be explored alone.
For me, an example of a memory to be explored would be the bathroom. For decades I wouldn’t/couldn’t go into a washroom, public or otherwise, if I had to do so within sight of men. It took a few more decades for me to realize the reason; as a child, bad things happened to me in bathrooms. I could have figured it out sooner if I had been willing to think about the why. It is what it is, leave it alone, was my attitude.
All of these things, and probably more, have been helpful but the one thing I use on a day to day basis is change-the-channel. It was validating when I heard they were doing this successfully with soldiers. They found that early interruption of debilitating thoughts brought an early end to the episode. They were using computer games to be the distraction.
For a good while there, my whole day was destroyed if I was triggered. It was frustrating. Especially when I was supposed to be working.
By accident I learned that if I went to an activity requiring my whole mind, the channel would change in my head and my thoughts would move on to a better place. Later I may think about whatever triggered me but the adrenaline reaction was no longer there.
I read books, play computer games, follow podcasts and vlogs, write this blog. Some days these things are literally my sanity. I run to them before I dig myself into a deep hole.
I don’t know if this makes sense or is even helpful but this is how I maintain my sanity and avoid major triggers. This is not the final word on the subject either. It is much too complex for that and I’m no expert.
Now I just have to figure out how to avoid the minor triggers.
I don’t think I will live long enough to deal with it all. 🙂
A parting thought: there are many self centered hurting people who do not lead a life of integrity. They would be happier if they did. If you lead a life of integrity you can check this box off the list. I have.
Just start talking. That’s what I have to do tonight. Once again I do not have a post in mind.
I’m going to keep it short because I need sleep to be able to function tomorrow. I know if I don’t use restraint this could easily end up being really long, leaving me with a very short night.
This whole subject has been on my mind for a long time but it’s complex and not necessarily easily understood, especially when spoken about briefly. I think it would take a book for me to say everything I need to say on this subject.
I don’t even know how to begin and it’s already been a half hour. I think slow, trying to get it right enough to make sense, and I write even slower.
I’ll try to express the kernel of it in a sentence or two and expand on it another time. Or even more likely, it will take many times to get it all out.
I love God deeply, and at the same time I feel loved by him. We have loved each other for a very long time.
It’s killing me not to expand on this but I know I have to go.
In the meantime…
I love looking at the mountains, they remind me – our help comes from the creator, of heaven and earth. And what a creator he is.
For the Love of Books 