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This and that January 07, 2022

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I need a little writing therapy so here we are. I don’t have anything in particular on my mind though.

I heard a loud noise earlier, it sounded like something tipped, rolled, and fell over. I went all over the house trying to see what happened. Nothing. I was listening to two guys doing their weekly op-ed type podcast and since I couldn’t find anything in the house I thought maybe one of them had knocked something over at their place. Didn’t seem likely but you never know, right?

In the quiet aftermath of their show ending I heard downspouts rattling on the roof. A storm rolled in when I wasn’t paying attention. The wind must have been strong to make a noise loud enough to be heard over the cranked up volume.

Hopefully the storm won’t blow as hard all night as it is right now. The forgotten bedroom window is open a crack and it’s frozen in place so it can’t be closed. The wind whistling in a narrow space makes a lot of noise, it will be interesting trying to sleep if it keeps this up. Hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow and thaw it enough so that it can be closed.

Along with the wild wind tonight we have a blowing snow advisory. That’s one drawback to fine powdery snow, it doesn’t take much wind to move it around. I’m grateful for my neighbor! If the promised amount happens he has plans to clear it out.

Speaking of podcasts, I was listening to another favorite tonight and at one point he was going on a bit of a rant trying to warn his listeners that the people posing as him, asking for money, are scammers. It must happen a lot because he seems to address this on a regular basis. It mostly happens for him on Facebook.

I haven’t had anyone approach me on line but I’ve noticed the scammer phone calls have come up with wild schemes that unsuspecting people could fall prey to. Hopefully people will be suspicious of anyone posing as a bank or some other institution, or of anyone at all asking for money. Never trust someone asking for money.

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So currently I have two things on the go, aside from listening to podcasts. Another read and my Christmas puzzle. The book is a two in one, it includes a full length bonus mystery. I wasn’t sure how I would like them, story one started out like another one from WWII. I was glad to find it was just the introduction, the main part of the story was present day. In the end I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read so far.

A Christmas Eve Promise: a story of hope and joy

It’s December 1941. Thomas is in his third year of college and is about to propose to Emily, his high school sweetheart. But the attack on Pearl Harbor has shocked the nation and is threatening to keep them apart. On a snowy, romantic Christmas Eve, he makes a life-changing promise to her. But fulfilling it will require everything of him and will lead to generational consequences he never could have imagined. Now is the time for a story of hope and joy.

BONUS BOOK INCLUDED: The Lakeside Conspiracy. Max and Michelle Henry had the perfect marriage and an ideal life in the small town of Lakeside, Arkansas where Max is the football coach and Michelle is a teacher. But when Max discovers the police are covering up the death of his star player will he and Michelle uncover secrets someone is ready to kill over?

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One thing for sure; podcasts and puzzles go well together.

Time gets away on me when I find something to get lost in, like two more podcasts. It’s time to quit and get out of here.

It’s been nice chatting with you.

Happy reading…

…and maybe listening to some good podcasts.

I am an introvert January 02, 2022

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The writer of the quoted article (whom I’ve never met) knows me really well and I want to be able to find this again.

A blogger friend has a weekly writing prompt and today’s prompt was Introvert. I am one but have nothing of value to say so this little discussion doesn’t qualify as the post he is looking for.

Aaron, at Sunday Scribblings is also an introvert and quoted an article that describes folks like us so well. The link to his post is here

The article is excellent but I won’t quote all of it even though I’d like to. I will share the headings though. There are ten myths the author addresses and from my perspective, he is right on.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. I totally agree with this one. If you can get me started, you may wish you hadn’t.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy. The author says we aren’t shy, we just need a reason to talk. Yup.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude. He says we want real and authentic and this doesn’t always go over well. I find telling it like it is is not usually socially acceptable. This one gets me in trouble sometimes.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people. He says we don’t have many close friends but intensely value the ones we do have. True

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public. He says we do, we just don’t like it for as long a time as extroverts. I agree.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone. He says we are comfortable in our own skin but we crave authentic interaction with one person at a time. Agree.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird. He says they don’t follow the crowd. I find I march to the beat of my own drum and usually don’t fit in with the crowd. Always have. Even in high school.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds. I can remember a high school experience. Walking home a neighbor girl and several of her friends were ahead of me on the other side of the road. I heard them comment, calling me stuck up. I was in my own little world and they seemed to be enjoying one another. I saw no indication I was wanted in their group and I was happy where I was.

I’m not good at picking up on subtle social cues and it usually backfires when I do try to act on my interpretation of them. I’m not rejecting anyone I just assume my presence is not desired and do my own thing.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun. The author says there is so much going on that we are on sensory overload in a crowd and shut down. True, true, true.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts. I wish. No we can’t.

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The explanations in the article are so much better but at least these brief comments give me a reminder of what was said.

Being an introvert is a pain in the butt sometimes. On the other hand there are qualities we find useful in society.

Introverts are thinkers. We do need some of those every now and again.

I am what I am. There is no changing it so why fight it.

A book and a podcast January 01, 2021

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I want to remember this podcast and this post will help with that. My favorite aspect of this discussion was the encouragement we are given to think outside the box, Erwin McManus stresses the importance of exercising this ability.

The second item on the agenda for this post is an introduction a WWII Novel by one of the writers in our monthly critique group. I have not read it but I have enjoyed Robert’s writing and expect this story will not disappoint.

Stealth

1944. American bomber pilot, Jack Swaggart, has led his squadron countless times into hostile German territory, hit the assigned target, and returned to base none the worse for wear.

Eventually, Jack’s luck runs out. With his B-26 Marauder heavily damaged by flak, Jack is forced to ditch his crippled airplane in the German countryside.

Separated from his crew, Jack trusts an unlikely ally, Hilde Augsburg, a plucky young woman, a decision which catapults them into an adventure neither could have envisioned. Coincidentally, they spot a new type of German warplane in flight–a design unlike anything they’ve ever seen before.

In that moment, Jack realizes that the Nazis have developed a formidable new bomber, one that could dramatically alter the course of the war. In the blink of an eye, Jack’s mission shifts from survival to thwarting the Germans, just when the Allies are on the verge of triumph.

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Carey picks titles that must be relevant to the bulk of his audience but generally, I find the actual interview always covers more ground than the title suggests. This podcast is no exception. I found the discussion to be challenging and thought provoking. It needs more than one viewing for a person to get the most out of it.

The whole interview will have us thinking outside the box.

Happy reading and viewing.

Happy New Year everyone January 01, 2022

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New Years Eve tradition alive and well

Happy New Year everyone! On this bright and beautiful, very crisp sunny day.

My kids kept up the tradition by presenting me with a new puzzle on Christmas. It had me very excited, for a while there I thought I might have to resort to digging out an old one this New Years Eve.

With the glorious blue sky out the window in front of me today it will be fun working on it.

On top of that, knowing it’s -32C feels like -41C is like a gift. It’s a great excuse to feel happy about staying in without changing out of my cozy pajamas and heavy bathrobe. Not that I need an excuse or anything, now that I’m old enough to do whatever I want. 🙂

Wishing you all the very best in the year ahead.

This and that December 22, 2021

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Tomorrow is not Christmas Eve? Whew.

It’s always a relief when I get ahead of myself and find I’m wrong in the right direction. It’s the pits when I’ve lost a day and it’s later than I think.

I have some last minute shopping to do and it’s challenging. Partly because of shortages (no Christmas gift bags at the Dollar Store,) and partly because my intended gift store is gone. It’s been replaced with other businesses. How sad is that? It will have been a casualty of covid restrictions last year. Now I have to think of something else for a gift. It’s tough when some of us are hard to buy for. It’s that stage of life when there is nothing much we actually need or want. This extra day to think and look will save my bacon.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but when I use slang I try to remember to search and make sure there is an available meaning. What good is a slang expression if you don’t know what it means. It’s amazing what can be found on the internet, I don’t think I’ve tried to use an expression yet that couldn’t be found.

Getting back to the gift I have to rethink, maybe I can find something at the garden store. Maybe a yard ornament or something, for one of her many flowerbeds. (It’s a good job she doesn’t read my blog, the surprise could be blown.)

As for the important gift I needed to find today… I was successful – sort of. My daughter wanted a hoodie (like everyone else is getting this year) in some shade of blue. It’s a good thing she wasn’t all that stuck on the color (I could tell by the way she answered the question) because all I could find was a grey one. I liked it a lot and I hope she will too. It looks like her, if that makes sense.

They were having a sale and right below her rack there was another one with a hoodie I thought I would like. It’s built short and wide, which isn’t all that flattering, but hey loose is warmer than tight. And since I’m always cold…

In fact, this one isn’t even enough tonight, I’ve added another layer, that makes four. I’m finally warm.

I’ll let you see.

so intense… it’s the picture taking thing
Four heavy layers is finally enough.

***

What will I do when winter really gets here? lol

We haven’t talked about books but I am reading, so…

Happy Reading y’all

Follow up to Dreams December 18, 2021

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You think I’m crazy. I’m sitting here watching (listening) to podcasts and playing a game and now I’m thinking about my Dreams post of a little earlier.

Looking at it from another perspective (maybe your’s) I’m sure you all think I’ve lost it. How in the world can a simple decision to sleep on a different side of the bed lead a person to see it as a life changing experience?

Here is the thing. Sometimes life changing has nothing to do with the size of the decision. Sometimes the decisions we wrestle with the most are inconsequential. In fact many of the ideas we hold on to with a death grip mean very little in the grand scheme of things.

The major shake up comes from the fact we made the change at all.

I had my little routine going on. The placement of all things important to me. Clock, hand lotion, tissues, position of the light switch. My dresser with drawers full of things belonging to me. Orientation to the room.

As I’m trying to find words to describe all of this in a sensible fashion an unwelcome but true thought is barging it’s way in.

I’ve always explained my reluctance away as a move that would deprive me of the conveniences I’ve enjoyed where I was.

Further thought has me realizing that it is about so much more than that and I haven’t been allowing the thought to materialize, never mind be honest about it.

I don’t need all the drawer space that comes with the furniture and from the beginning I’ve set the room up as a him and hers. This parts mine, this parts yours. I did make use of the space, mostly for craft supplies and such. Things that could be moved elsewhere if there ever was a “him.”

It all seems a little weird now because I didn’t expect there ever would be a reason to share this space. Although, there may be a subconscious part of me that wishes otherwise. Who knows.

Moving from my side to “his” side feels a little like moving into enemy territory.

The decision to change sides seemed to come from a different place this time.

A week or so ago there was a pivotal moment where I was able to let go and break free of the hold my childhood abuser had over me. It was a major break through. It looks like that event has affected me in ways I have yet to discover.

It seems I’m not (emotionally) sharing this house with anyone anymore. Finally I have accepted full ownership and view the house as all mine.

Reality is, it has always been mine. No one else has ever lived here, or has a history with the furniture or anything else. Something broken inside me couldn’t believe it.

The decision to change to the other side of the room seemed easy and inconsequential this time and yet there was a deep sense of excitement over possible life change and adventure. Having the conversation steer into this sober emotional place is unexpected. I’m not celebrating but I’m quietly happy about this new information.

So, back to the original intent of the post.

Sometimes it’s not the weight of the decision that’s important, it’s the fact that we made it at all.

In the end my decision seems simple but carries far more significance than I could have guessed.

Have you changed your crazy assessment of me yet?!?

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Dreams and all that December 18, 2021

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I’m writing this in an effort to work my way out of this morning’s brain fog. There are many things on my mind these days but nothing coherent. Not clear enough to write a decent post anyway and I’m in a fix.

Some of this extra brain activity was showing up in crazy dreams this morning. But what do they mean? That’s the mystery. I was sitting here at the dinning room table looking out the narrow window by the front door when a delivery man from the country of residence for my son walked up, turned the knob and entered. I had no idea who he was, why he was here, or if I should be afraid. I screamed anyway and woke up.

Two nights ago I decided it was time to change sides of the bed. I have been sleeping on the same side for decades and was rather attached. I’ve entertained the thought of moving many times over the years but it was never an attractive idea. This time I made the decision and suddenly it has become a life changing moment. I have no idea why. I feel like I’m taking off on a new adventure.

The reason for the change was nothing earth shattering, it was simply to make use of the unused quarters of the mattress that were still like new.

I’m enjoying this sense of a new chapter in my life. I have no idea what it means or what it will look like but that doesn’t dampen the sense of anticipation.

So back to the dreams.

When overnight visitors come to my house and are shown to their room they automatically turn left to mine, which is kind of funny because they can’t see in the room yet. So, my door is closed, I open it to go in and someone has taken over my room, sleeping in my spot. What am I supposed to do now? Rather than try to boot them out I closed the door and left. I need to work on that.

Then, a recurring dream popped up.

I’m living in a big house. The main floor is large but the downstairs is larger. It has six or eight bedrooms, the floor plan is divided up into three main areas, each distinct from the other. All of them interesting and unique. I’ve dreamed about this house many times. No idea why.

Maybe all this dream activity is related to my son, his wife and daughter. They are planning a trip home for an extended visit after a number of years away. Their boys arrived in September and are living with their aunt, uncle, and cousins. Usually the family settles on the west coast using it as home base. Maybe this time they will settle here in the middle of the country. Maybe it will be my turn to host them.

We will likely find out tonight on our regular zoom call.

Instead of falling back to sleep I should have stayed up this morning after turning up the heat.

But then I would have missed out on all the fun dreams.

There were more but I’m sparing you the details.

OK, I’m awake now, the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. I should get ready to see what else the day can hold.

We will talk books in the next post.

C-PTSD conversation December 12, 2021

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Trigger alert. Don’t read this if you are easily triggered or distressed with abuse stories. For sure don’t read this if my story distresses you. (family, friends.) I do promise there will be no explicit details. Generalities are bad enough.

Why now? you ask… It’s time.

If you are a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers. This is going to cost me, big time. It has to happen sometime and it feels like the time is now so I’ll carry on.

Why even do this?… It will be cathartic.

Advance warning – I do plan to end on a positive note. Something healing happened this week and I will share what that was.

Most of my life has been intentionally lived as if my past never happened. Parts of my adult life have been lived as a public figure, no one connected with me knew my background. It was all a secret.

There are two reasons for not speaking up sooner. One was that I had deeply repressed memories (still do) and wouldn’t admit to my suspicions without proof. My brother made me admit the abuse about 15 years ago when I was no longer a young woman.

The second reason (excuse) was tied up in protecting the reputation of the abuser. My outlook on that aspect has changed and protecting him no longer seems as important. I guess I was reluctant for family reasons too. None of that seems as important now either..

The reason for the abuse and the form it took is complex. I’m fairly certain there was abuse in Dad’s background which would explain why his alcoholism was firmly established by mid teens. It would also explain the sex addiction which probably started in early to mid teens as well.

An unplanned pregnancy (me) with unwanted responsibilities and lifestyle changes added rage to the mix.

Double addictions along with rage brought variety to the abuse. Selfish, immature, vindictive traits, didn’t help either.

So, all of that to say the abuse started early and took different forms depending on mood and availability. As the years went by access became more readily available. Mom had a job and also spent significant time in hospital fighting cancer. The last two years with him were the worst.

Dad was an extrovert and there were always visitors on the property. He was not adverse to sharing with his friends. As the abuse progressed I was groomed and trafficked. Money was a big draw. He was always in need of another bottle of whiskey. He was proud of his grooming.

My brothers and I were rescued as I turned twelve. Mom had to spend another stint in hospital and we were sent to stay with my grandmother. She insisted.

The door in my mind was slammed shut on all of the repressed memories. The experiences endured were unpleasant and as a teen there was not a speck of me wanting to be sexually active with boys. I’m grateful.

There were little clues in some of my irrational responses and thought patterns back then that might have been a tip-off if I had been willing to examine them.

Over the years prayer has been a very important part of my healing journey. I keep asking God to heal the exposed broken places that I have no idea how to fix or move past. He has been healing me incrementally for years, and friends and family are noticing the difference.

The positive note to end this post is about one of those healing times.

One of the aspects of intimacy, the experts say, is the connection formed in that moment. Casual or serious makes no difference.

I know it’s true. The relationship changes once that bridge has been crossed. The connection with your first is probably the strongest. Dad was my first and there were many more after him.

The last while I have been allowing myself to relax and let memories resurface if they want to. Sometimes it’s been emotions, sometimes bits of memories. There has been a heavy sense of connection to Dad.

This week in answer to prayer that connection with him has been broken. It’s gone, for him and all the other men he allowed in my life. I felt the emotion drain out of me and now I feel nothing for him.

I’ve let go of anger, I’ve forgiven him, the connection has been broken, and now the secret has been revealed.

There will still be triggers, more healing needed, and more issues to be faced. In the aftermath there will be a price to pay for sharing this story. It’s part of the deal.

Despite all of that I’m celebrating, in a numb kind of way. The secret is out. Another hurdle in the healing journey has been crossed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

The sun is peeking from behind the dark clouds.

This and that, Part two December 05, 2021

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Whew, finally finished reading the current Christmas collection. Now it’s time to decide what’s next on the list.

I’m adding new books to my library on a regular basis but usually wait awhile before downloading them. It’s distracting to see attractive possibilities close to the top of the list, especially when the current read is a little boring. I am prone to jumping ship and moving on, leaving a string of partially read books in my wake.

The dilemma tonight is choosing genre. The last few reads have been Christmas Romance collections. After that many similar books in a row I think a change is in order.

I’ll let you see the newly downloaded books so you can understand what I’m up against. Sixteen books.

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Checking these out, I think maybe I’ve decided. This next one is billed as Romance but the synopsis sounds like it is more than that, at least on first look. I could be wrong in this assessment, time will tell. Anyway, a change of pace is appealing at this moment so I’ll take a chance. I can always jump ship if needed.

Always By My Side: A Christian Romance (New Hope Falls Book 9)

She’s lived her life under the cloud of her sister’s disappearance.

Josie Thompson was ten when her sister went missing and her mother’s battle with mental illness intensified. Though her family is now fractured, Josie has managed to get a degree and a job as a homecare nurse for a wealthy retired businessman. After a year working with the elderly philanthropist, her role has expanded to include caring for his home as well. It is a life that brings her peace and contentment.

After being injured in an attack on his squad while deployed, he’s come back to the one place that he’d always loved.

Kenneth Charles Hawkins III, AKA Hawk, has found himself medically discharged from the military when injuries sustained in an attack leave him unable to continue his job as a sniper with the Army. He heads to his grandfather’s home near New Hope Falls to recover.

Josie finds joy and purpose in caring for others, so she happily takes on the care of her employer’s injured grandson. As she gets to know him, a friendship is forged between them, despite the decade plus difference in their ages. She finds herself falling for him but keeps her feelings close to her heart with no intention of revealing them. Having endured repeated rejection by the one person who should have loved her, Josie trusts only in her father’s unconditional love for her.

Hawk wouldn’t have thought he’d have much in common with a woman so much younger than him, but he finds that he enjoys the time they spend together. Her calm demeanor often soothes his somewhat volatile emotions as he deals with the pain from his injuries.

As he recovers, Hawk realizes he needs to make a decision on whether he wants to return to his past or embrace his future in New Hope Falls, possibly with Josie. But even if he chooses Josie, will she choose him? Will she be willing to trust him when she’s been failed by those who should have loved her?

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I see I’ve downloaded nine other books by this author and I’ve read all of them, including the one just before this one in the series. That is a good sign.

Rarely do I gauge time correctly, I’m usually convinced I can do it in half the time it actually takes to put together a post. Time flies when you’re having fun.

It’s going to be lights-out time before I’m ready so I’d better move it on out of here. Now that I’ve decided on a new book.

I will be happily reading and I hope you are too.

This and that December 05, 2021

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Am I allowed to do a this-and-that type of post two days in a row? I sure hope so because this is another I’ve-got-nothing kind of day. The usual book suggestion sites have not appeared, never mind not having interesting offerings.

Personally, I’m just as happy they didn’t as I need a reprieve from more books. I’m not reading a book a day like I had been and things are getting out of hand. I feel like I have brain fog going on too and it is not easy to settle down and spend the time it takes.

Along with that, YouTube videos call out to me every time I pass the computer, and if it’s not videos it’s games. Highly distracting and time consuming at a time I should be focusing.

As I watched this video with all the debris being carried on down the river I was thinking about the deposits left when the waters recede. Houses with all their contents and vehicles swept away, hopefully with no people in them, will have to show up somewhere when this is all over.

It’s hard to imagine raging water swallowing up people’s property. Nothing left for them to go back to. I wonder how they would be compensated for that? It’s not just damaged, it’s gone.

I’m stopping for lunch and another attempt at finishing the current book. While I’m thinking about what to say next.

Maybe there will be part two for this.

I’m planning on it.

Soon.