I’m feeling the need to talk. Not sure what about, though.

I had an appointment with a dermatologist yesterday. A few weeks ago I shared about large and longstanding rash on both shins. When my doctor saw it many months ago he referred me to a specialist. When I asked if it would be helpful, he didn’t hold out much hope for clearing it up.

Many times over the course of the year I was tempted to cancel the appointment. My thinking was… what’s the point if all they can do is give me something to keep it manageable.

Yesterday, I was pleased to discover there is hope for getting rid of it. The dermatologist prescribed a cream that should kill the active agent behind the rash. Suddenly I was happy I hadn’t given in to my negative thinking and cancelled the appointment.

There was a downside to the appointment as well, though. As he examined the worst area the dermatologist made the observation that I scratch a lot. It’s true, I do. Unfortunately, this keeps it alive and spreading. The new areas are the itchiest. Then I admitted I scratched sometimes when it wasn’t even itchy. I commented that the pain inflicted is addictive and the doctor nodded his agreement.

That revealing admission has been both haunting and upsetting. The worst of it is that I’m not really sure why. There must be a deep seated wound underneath the need to feel such pain. Admitting it has triggered a large emotional response in me that I don’t understand.

I’m hoping that, like with every other thought eventually making it’s way to the surface of my mind, with reflection some understanding will break through. The needed knowledge is down there somewhere, it just isn’t able to get through to me until I relax enough to give it permission.

Many years were spent with fingers in my ears. I would say that I was yelling lalalalalalala I can’t hear you, but I don’t think I was. I am pretty sure my feet were planted, my arms were crossed and I refused to listen to one word.

Now after many decades I’m finally listening. It has been a freeing experience and I’m loving life more and more all the time. It doesn’t mean I will ever be healthy or normal. The wounds go too deep for that, but I’m embracing every bit of emotional healing that comes my way.

And now I’m looking forward, hopefully, to rash-less legs with no more itch.