my story

Free books November 25, 2019

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BookRunes FREE book suggestion today,  Among the Poppies is the powerful story of courage and determination in the face of danger and critical public opinion.

Gwyn has learned, and learned to love, auto mechanics living life close to the side of her chauffeur father. She’s also learned the art of being a lady at the hands of her benefactress and father’s employer. Social norms of the day are restrictive, a woman driving and fixing automobiles was just not done. Gwyn doesn’t care about any of that. There is a desperate need for ambulance drivers with mechanics to keep them on the road. Gwyn has the skills to do both and she plans to answer the call.

What she doesn’t plan on is to attract the romantic interest of a handsome officer who can’t help but worry about her safety. He can worry but she will go where she’s ordered. Even to the front lines in the midst of battle. The wounded need her.

I think her courage is inspiring to all of us, not just to women.

Her loving officer was a good man, supporting her in the face of danger.

This book was free in the spring and the reading was memorable.

Among the Poppies

BookBub offers a FREE suggestion today too. The Healing Journey, book 12 in The Mountain Series

This Healing Journey

This historical novel is set in the pioneer days of the Canadian Rockies. A young woman sets out on a search for the son her father was forced to give up many years earlier. Her path crosses with that of a young pioneer man. An injured child has appeared on his homestead and he needs her help caring for the little girl.

I’ve not read this story but I have downloaded five other books in this series by Misty M. Beller. For sure I’ve read two of them. I’m looking forward to checking this one out after reading the first few pages.

Happy Reading

We are so excited, here in Manitoba, Canada. Our football team The Winnipeg Blue Bombers won the Canadian Football League Grey Cup last night after  a very long losing streak. It has been twenty nine years since the last Winnipeg Grey Cup win in the championship battle between the East and the West.

We were the underdog in this match with the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a team from Ontario Canada, and the media was predicting a Hamilton win. (The Bombers hadn’t won against them so far this year.)

This game was different. The Bombers were hungry for a win and, to-a-man, they were willing to do whatever it took. One of their best guys was playing injured and not about to be stopped. It worked. They won 33 to 13.

Winnipeg is a staunch, and very vocal, Bomber town. It would be an understatement to say we are over the moon with this win. Everyone is talking about it. There will be a victory parade through town tomorrow. Celebration time.

 

 

Free book November 22, 2019

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A slow book day is sounding really good to me right about now. I don’t how you are feeling about it but I’m finding that my TBR (to be read) list is becoming over whelming long.  I’m not keeping up (well, I wasn’t really anyway but now it’s getting way out of hand) and I’m going to have to start speed reading to even make a dent.

It has helped that a few of the books lately were like a meal I didn’t like all that well. With all of the other attractive choices on the table I could abandon the less tasty dishes and move on. Very helpful at a time like this.

Today the pickings are slim and I’m finding the Amazon free list has been over-mined with my searches and there’s not much (if anything) new there right now anyway.

Chautona Havig always (usually) has a Free Friday book so we’ll go with that today. I like her books because they leave me feeling lighter, and that’s a good thing.

Her FREE book this Friday is a Christmas story – which is great, being the right season and all. I love Christmas stories, songs, and even decorations, in season or out of season.

I have a few decorations around the house that have managed to stay up all year. More than a few times. They are well on their way to becoming permanent fixtures. My daughter rolls her eyes at me.

To change things up a bit I rearrange these words every now and then. My grandsons did the honors last time they were here. They are cute teenagers with a mischievous glint in their eyes and they are proud of their effort.

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So… back to Chautona’s FREE book,

It’s Merri’s Christmas Mission

Merri's Christmas Mission

This book was part of a previous Christmas collection so I’ve read and enjoyed already (a win/win for me.)

Merri is a young mom who loves Christmas and goes all-out to make it over-the-top special. The trouble is; she lost her job three months ago and money is tight.

All Barney wants is to win a pool table for the joy of the regulars (guys) at his adored non-profit Mission.

Their paths collide in this small town when they both set their eyes on the pool table contest as a way to make their dreams come true.

Will there be a winner with a devastated loser or will they find a way to make it a win-win situation?

You will have to read to find out.

Happy Friday with a little Christmas and, Happy Reading.

 

 

Weather update October 19, 2019

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This morning, so far, it’s cloudy with sunny breaks and it’s not that cold. 7 Celsius, expected to rise to 11c this afternoon. The snow is finally gone after the big storm blew through here several weeks ago. Well, it’s mostly gone. This is the edge of Walmart parking lot the other day. A reminder of what was.20191017_114241 snow pile

Snow piles will be hanging around on plowed parking lots for a few more days. I see another pile too, further back (on the left) on someone else’s parking lot. The snow is always a little ugly once it melts a bit. It’s the sand left behind making the whole thing look dirty.

They spread sand around liberally on roads and parking lots so we can drive safely on slippery snow. But then, it gets picked up when they plow the deep snow to clear roads and parking lots so we can drive without getting stuck. Stuck and slippery can be fun if you are playing around, not so fun if you have somewhere you need to be.

Needless to say, we go through a lot of sand every winter. I imagine they try to recover some of it at the end of the season but I don’t know that for sure.

20191017_085148 frosty deck

It has been cooler sooner this October than other years. There was frost one morning and the evidence was on  the roof and back deck. The temperature had dropped below freezing during the night and with all the moisture in the air the frost was thick and sparkly in the rising sun. I didn’t manage to catch the sparkle, which was sad because it was beautiful. It didn’t last long – once the sun hit the deck it melted. That last bit of snow was soon gone too.

It’s easy to be taken in by this lull in the cold weather. I keep reminding myself our days are numbered so get to work.

This is the before cleanup picture with fallen leave everywhere.

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This is the after picture, evidence of some much needed clean up. The leaves keep falling so clean doesn’t last long. The need is never ending.

20191017_132038 clean up

I’ll get out there again today and do what I can.

The snow will be here soon to cover up whatever doesn’t get done. I’ll sigh in relief. Six guilt free months ahead. There is definitely an upside to winter.

 

 

 

 

 

My life with snow

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Even though I’ve lived the largest part of my life in mild climates where snowfalls are rare, and cause for celebration, I still take snow for granted. It’s easy to forget – not everyone will be able to relate to what I’m saying sometimes. I was reminded of this, thinking back on my snow blower mention in the snow storm post   many may be scratching their heads wondering what in the world is this? Most of my mild climate friends have little-to-no experience with snow blowers either. There will be a future post showing pictures, for sure.

Snow, in itself, is an unknown quantity to many, as well, and maybe a glimpse would be nice. It will be fun to share some of our journey with those of you living in warmer climates, having to miss out on the cold weather experience.

Each winter I keep a bit of a photo diary for myself as a reminder of important and disputable things like – how early it snowed, how much it snowed, how long it stayed. This year I’ll share some of my diary with you all.

Some current pictures, to bring you up to speed.

This was a few weeks ago when the day lilies in the corner were still beautiful.

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The first dusting of the coming winter storm just over a week ago. The leaves are falling but most are still on the trees.

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A few hours later, while there’s still enough light for a progress picture. It’s blurry because of the falling snow.

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Next morning after storming through the night. Morning brought still more storm with thunder and lightning this time.

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A week later, the weather has warmed up and the snow is disappearing. Not quick enough though. There is still much fall clean-up to do and the real snow could be here to stay in two weeks or so

20191015_094731You can see the remnants of a rabbit trail, about in the middle. They like to shelter under the deck. Rabbits are pretty common around here. They like to eat the tender plants we care about lol

I’m looking forward to sharing my snow life with you. The winters are hard, some years more than others, but I love living here, and I love to spread my enthusiasm for this place.

On the subject of books… there were none today that I cared about. Maybe tomorrow.

Soon! Winter. I have no doubt.

What are you reading?

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Personally, I hate this question. I was reminded of this fact a few minutes ago while  reading a blog post giving advice to introverts attending writers conferences. One of the suggestions  was to ask what are you currently reading as a conversation opener.

Generally, I’m speechless when someone uses that question on me……. even when I am  in the middle of reading a book in a public place.

Not always, but most times, I’m enjoying the book and under the right circumstances would be excited about sharing why, in great detail. So why is this question a conversation killer for me?

The first thing that comes to mind is hype around what is considered to be a must-read book. Pretty much never, is how often anyone will  find me reading a critically acclaimed book. Filtering what I’m reading through this criteria robs me of words. I assume the asker will be expecting me to name some fabulous book. Maybe I assume wrongly…. I might need to give that some thought.

The reason I rarely read recommended books is because (in my mind) book critic’s  ratings are on the same scale as movie and fashion critics.  Their picks usually appeal to a niche market, not the mainstream. I march to the beat of my own drum. I like what I like and don’t spend time worrying about what’s trendy or popular. How’s that working out for me? Very well, I have to say.

The second filter has to do with time. When I hear the question, what are you reading, I feel like the answer should be along the lines of – this month we are reading ____

The thing is; most often the current book was started a few hours ago and in a few more hours it will be a different one. That’s just the way it is for me. Gobble, gobble. The only time a book lasts longer is when it doesn’t appeal and breaks are needed to help get me through it.

Maybe the last reason I’m reluctant to name a book is because I expect it will be a conversation stopper when you hear what I’m reading.

So, what am I currently reading? ……  Blog posts.

I’m taking a break, a new book will be starting shortly.

I have been reading awesome authors with amazing stories. Maybe I just need to get over my own insecurities and stand tall and proud about what I’m reading.

In this setting, I like telling you about books I’ve read. I’m still behind, so more are coming …. soon.

Happy reading!

Intensity, and Moondust Lake

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I’ve been reading The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey by Ian Morgan Cron and it’s been very enlightening. Another timely book in my life’s journey.

They tell me Enneagram has not been proven but has been experienced as useful. They also say it is not personality typing in a psychological sense but in a spiritual one. Of the nine categories number eight is Challenger and it is the strongest and most complicated in relationships. I guess that’s why the book deals with it first.

It didn’t take long for me to see myself in Eights description. This is not a surprise as similar results have come up in other tests I’ve taken over the years.  It’s nice to see it expressed in a different fashion though as it adds another dimension to my understanding of why I do some of the things I do. A few of the descriptions for an Eight are – intimidating, intense, fearless, and more. To be honest, I’ve never viewed myself this way. I’ve always thought of myself as a wall flower trying not to be noticed. When I take a closer look at my life though, I can see I have been in denial about some things.

It was interesting: At work one day, eight or nine years ago, one of the guys asked me what I was like as a teenager. I couldn’t figure out why he would ask me that. I lead a very quiet life, then and now, so what would make him think I was a handful as a teenager? That question still runs through my mind  occasionally and it’s only now, pondering all of this, that I can see what he saw in me. A passive, immovable strength. My brothers would call it stubborn.

As a teenager I wasn’t bothered by peer pressure, and don’t remember being afraid of my teachers or other authority figures. In my mind, it was fine if people didn’t think or believe the way I did. I kept to myself a lot with only a small circle of friends. I didn’t recognize any of these thought patterns as strength back then. As a teen you think what you feel is just normal and don’t spend much time thinking about it. Now, I’m beginning to see things from a different perspective.

Type Eight craves intense and this is so true for me. Both in conversations and in books. An Eight also does things in excess, which would explain the binges in most of my activities. The book describes this habit as go big or go home. I think 10 jigsaw puzzles in a row and a stack of books, all in a few weeks, qualifies.

All of this brings me to the one of the last books read along with Enneagram. A perfect example of intense.

Moondust LakeMiramar Bay Series  –  Moondust Lake book 3 – Davis Bunn ….  Buddy Helms has never been able to please his father no matter what. At least that’s the way he feels about it. He hasn’t been able to say no to his demands either. The hardest for him to swallow was the demand that Buddy join the family business. In reality, it isn’t a family business, it is a one man show – dictatorship is his dad’s leadership style and he rules with an iron fist.

Economically the company is floundering and Buddy  negotiated a major deal that will  put the company back in the black. Along with this deal he’s put together an exit plan to get himself out of the business he is good at but hates.

He’s had to spend time with the new psychologist in town, while setting up a new clinic, and association with her has also helped him find the courage to stand up to his dad. He’s ready to take the plunge and knows it will take a brilliant plan to pull it off.  He has one that will do it if he can make the right alliances.

He expects his father to fight this decision to leave but doesn’t expect him to fight dirty. He doesn’t expect his association with her would also bring the psychologist under fire, a devastating blow for her after such a big move.

His mother is beyond thrilled Buddy finally has the courage to stand up to his father.

The family is going to be in shock; but she has a plan too. Enough is enough.

Davis Bunn’s books are always thoughtful and well written. I won’t be forgetting this book in a hurry.

If you like intense as much as I do, you will enjoy this book. I am positive about that.

Happy reading!

More to follow…

 

 

 

The Presence

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It’s always a special moment for me when a story speaks into my life with something appropriate for the place I’m at. Unexpectedly, this book has done just that, more than once. It feels like validation.

The Presence would have caught my interest even if I was at a different point in life. Having it relate to where I am now is a bonus. Davis Bunn always provides a good read.

The Presence  The Presence – T Davis Bunn ….. The downside to helping his young friend get elected was his own loss for re-election. It seems his sense of integrity was a contributing factor in his defeat.

T.J. Case, lawyer and politician, has always been an honest man. That’s why billionaire entrepreneur Jeremy Hughes hired TJ to represent his company many years before and has never regretted a day of it.

Their relationship is not just business. They have also become close friends over the years. So close that Jeremy can tell when something is bothering TJ. That’s why he knew something had happened while he was out fishing the quiet lake on Jeremy’s large yacht.

TJ wouldn’t talk about it on the drive home and his wife, Catherine, would only say that it wasn’t her story to tell.

He’d loved God all of his life and had never had an experience like this one.  It was still hard to wrap his head around what happened, even after a few intense days to think and pray. It seemed impossible to talk about, to anyone – including his wife, because it sounded so unbelievable.

With his usual cup of coffee, TJ had gone up on deck – like he did every morning – to read and pray in the quiet of the dawn. The morning started out like any other but then something changed.  It was a new quiet that seemed sacred, one that pulsed with meaning.

When it was gone, TJ  was left questioning what had just taken place. Was it a dream, a hallucination? Was it real?

He did know one thing. He was supposed to go to Washington DC.

How could that possibly happen? You don’t just decide to go to the capitol without invitation. And besides, what was he supposed to do when he got there?

Over the next few days both Jeremy and Catherine wrestled with this new idea that would turn both of their lives upside down if TJ went through with it.

Jeremy announced he needed a few days away to think but he didn’t give any clues as to how he was thinking.

Catherine was struggling with moving away from  everything familiar and going to who knows what; when her daughter took sick and grandma was needed. It felt like a blessed reprieve, giving her more time to embrace a decision she knew she’d make.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, newly elected Congressman John Silverwood was having lunch with two senior Senators and feeling very pleased about it. He was not yet acquainted with political workings and didn’t think to question motives.

The Senators had come with an agenda. For some reason, unclear to John, TJ’s presence was needed in Washington. Filling a position with an outsider was rarely done. The three of them  would have  to get their heads together and come up with an assignment that could be given without raising a great deal of suspicion.

John was then  tasked with persuading TJ it would be in his best interest to come and  accept Education Advisor to the President. He was hoping TJ would feel honored and view this insider opportunity as a favor given. One he would feel obligated to pay back,  somewhere in the future.

The cab arrived at an address that was a surprise to TJ. Hopefully Jeremy, who was obviously waiting for him, would have an explanation for this fancy house.  The thing is – Jeremy knew that Washington would eat him up and spit him out unless TJ had someone in his corner watching his back. That was the reason for the house, and like it or not, Jeremy planned to fill every other need as well…. butler, driver, whatever. TJ was  hoping that, when she got here, Catherine could talk some sense into Jeremy. He hasn’t figured out, yet, that the  two of them are working together on this.

With no idea about what he would be doing, or with whom, TJ could only trust that if God was behind all of this, his presence would be near, and he’d let him know what to do when the time came.

His wildest dreams couldn’t have predicted the way things would go. God moves in mysterious ways….. because he knows the truth about what is in the hearts of men.

Like TJ, I’ve been saying yes to God for decades. Lately, it’s like he has a task in mind for me but hasn’t let me in on the details yet.

It’s scary saying yes when I do know what it’s all about, never-mind when I don’t. Even when I know ahead of time, it’s always something bigger than I could accomplish on my own. This time will be no exception.

God tends to be gentle with me, especially when he’s asking for something outside my comfort zone. He always waits for me to say yes and then he works on answering my fears, bringing me to the place where I am happy to do whatever it is. Everything he’s ever asked of me has turned out to be a blessing, even when it’s been hard. We have a good track record together.

Writing has not been on my radar, nor has the thought of coming-out-in-the-open in such a public way as this.

I’ve been highly resistant to the idea of writing. Especially a book.

I’m beginning to rethink my position on this. I’m finding myself coming around and being okay with working to produce something that could be used, maybe. It all just quietly happened with the beginnings of my newest blog.  Just like the needle you expected would hurt and felt surprise when it didn’t.

I’m left thinking…. wow, smooth move. I didn’t see that coming, God. He just smiles.

The second blog is already started at letterstomamierose.blog “a safe place to talk about PTSD, and other things we wrestle with” The focus will be sharing my journey with abuse and PTSD. This isn’t about me needing a place to talk. It’s about hurting people needing a safe place to land. Most of us hurt in silence and loneliness. Healing comes when we discover community.

The idea of starting a community is not new to me. It has been in the works for over a decade, it seems now is the time. Some of my support community will be with me in this venture. We’re better together.

I’m also working on the courage to start a third blog “God, Creator of the Universe, Loves Me” It will be about my journey with God. He has been with me my whole life, including the darkest years – the first 12. I know I’m supposed to share about this and have to keep my Yes promise.

I think I’m meant to talk about him this way because God wants a chance to say I Love You to others as well. If you think he is saying it to you, and you want to know if he is….. ask him. He will talk to you.

This third blog is in the works and hopefully it will go live soon. I think this post will be  the first post over there. It seems appropriate somehow.

In the meantime ….. may you hear some things you need to hear too.

Happy reading!

 

Happy New Year

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January 1st is a good day to wish all of you a very Happy New Year. May 2019 be kind to you, kinder than you expect it to be. And, may your travels bring you many great books in 2019.

Finding books to read is a challenge for me this week, all because the unthinkable happened on Christmas eve. My Kindle died with a broken screen.

It seems I crammed my constant companion into my purse one too many times. Imagine the shock and dismay to pull it out and see a frozen fragmented screen.   Just when I wanted to catch a few stolen reading moments too. It felt like the end of the world. Panic set in.

Of course, at that moment I didn’t know the problem was the screen. I thought maybe a reboot would resolve the issue. A half dozen attempts later and I had to admit defeat. Not ready to lose hope, I wondered if travelling in our cold winter weather was the cause, maybe a warm up would wake things up. With high expectations for a positive outcome,  I looked for the warmest spot I could find in a cool bedroom – under the covers with me. It was a sad moment, facing the truth of the death of my friend.

Did I ever mention I’m addicted?

The next question was how to replace it in a timely fashion. I wanted to walk into a store and walk out with a new one ready to read. I decided the best option was my most favored office supply store and I hurried over there at the first possible moment. I was crushed to find they didn’t carry Kindles. They used to.

You would think I would scurry home to figure out what to do next. Nope. I figured while I was there I should check out some other things I have been thinking about lately. After about a half hour of cruising up and down one section, thoughtfully reading all the labels, considering what they meant in relation to my needs – a clerk (who turned out to be the store manager) stopped to ask if I needed help. He didn’t know what he was getting into when he asked that question.

To make a long story short, he answered my many questions, listened to my many needs and this old lady walked out of the store having purchased a powerful gaming computer. I chuckle out loud every time I think of it. I love my new computer.

The need for greater power comes because I have started another blog, with a totally different slant, and some of my plans for it will require a capacity I don’t currently have in the computers I’ve been using.  I know I will tell you more about it once it’s ready to go public, in case you are interested.

In spite of no Kindle, I left the store a happy camper.

At home I took the plunge and ordered a new Kindle online. It will show up in about a week. In the meantime, I do have the Kindle app on several devices so it’s not like I can’t read if I want to. Telling you about the latest books I’ve read has been the challenge. The app on the computer sorts differently and I’m lost. In the fruitless search I’ve also discovered I can read many books again, because I don’t remember reading them the first time. Good to know, when I am out of recent books appealing to me.

I am feeling pretty excited about the surprises 2019 could hold. I’m excited about new ventures already unfolding in my life. I have two major passions (more than that if I’m honest but only two to blog about – although I will admit that could change) one here about books and the new one. The new one is stretching me into unexpected first time areas.

There seems to be a general sense of positive expectancy about the future. I feel it but I’m also hearing other people talk about it. Talk that is encouraging us to take risks….. to be all that we can be. To live up to our potential. To dream, ignoring the naysayers.

The purchase of the new Kindle and the expensive new computer is evidence of my commitment to becoming more than I’ve ever been before.

I hope that many of you will hear the challenge too, to become more than you’ve ever been. I think the world needs us, more than ever, to stand up and do this.

That’s my challenge for 2019…. Dream big and go for it!

I will save books for the next post but will  still challenge you to keep reading! I am reading too.

All the best for 2019

Happy reading!

 

Sometimes I lie

/ For the Love of Books / 1 Comment

They tell us that we all lie…. and the one we lie to most often, is ourselves.

I agree with this idea whole heartedly. Keeping honesty in mind, I think I’ve been doing a good job at self honesty. About the way I live life. I’m convinced of it. I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m not the same person I was.

But….

Life has been feeling unsettled lately and I’m perplexed about the reason. I’ve been more introspective than usual, thinking about the last few months, of the places I’ve been and the people I’ve seen. Trying to figure out what I need to learn from it all. Wondering what is coming next, on the road of life.

They say if you want to know the truth, pay attention to actions rather than words.

Up until recently, I thought my words and actions lined up pretty well. Now I’m beginning to doubt that’s true.

A change in scenery can expose things we would never see in the everyday routine of life.

Travelling about the country for several months was just such a change. Frequenting unfamiliar public places, daily interaction with strangers, even spending unusual amounts of time with family and friends.

I thought the desire and willingness to make the trip was a sign I’ve finally been able to step outside of the old ways and move on. In some regards it’s true, I have moved on. But, an honest look, at the level of control over all possible interactions, tells me it’s not entirely true. I’m kidding myself if I think I’ve lowered the protective walls enough to let people in. The truth is, on this trip, I went to unusual lengths to keep people out.

Facing this truth, I’m not sure what I can do to change anything, but honesty is a good place to start.  The thought processes have been shaken up and now I’m looking at things from a different perspective.

Help in unexpected places….

I was listening to a podcast, the other day, about How to Stop the Pain. James Richards was saying that brokenness is complex and if we focus on trying to fix ourselves, it is likely, on some levels, that we will make things worse. Like unravelling tangled yarn. Complex.

Instead of focusing on fixing, he uses the sowing analogy. Sow the seeds of what you need and it will gradually become part of your life.

I need to sow openness. I have been thinking in this direction a lot lately –  that I need  to make more of an effort to nod, speak, smile. It’s a good place to start and the podcast was validation of that thought.

It’s amazing how, when I’m trying to figure things out, I stumble upon a book, a podcast, or a conversation, that speaks to the very subject I’m wrestling with.

Speaking of books….

Anne Perry is a name that quickly comes to mind when asked about favorite authors.

I was introduced to her a decade or so ago and read many of her books. More recently, a book suggestion showed up in my news feed, for a volume containing the first three books in the Charlotte and Thomas Pitt series. I was delighted to find I hadn’t read any of them. I have now….. and the last one will soon be finished.

This three volume set is a good place to get started.

The murder mysteries take place in London, in the days of horses, buggies, and high society. The blending of upper and lower class adds dimension and intrigue.

Thomas Pitt vol one

Happy Reading!!

 

Some things need to be talked about

/ For the Love of Books / 5 Comments

I am convinced there are some things that need to be talked about. There could be a number of reasons for this. Maybe someone shares a similar experience and needs encouragement. Maybe  someone feels lumped in with the abusers and needs reassurance. Maybe someone has the false impression that all abused women hate men and need to know that’s not true. Or, maybe it’s just to help me figure out some things. It could be for any number of reasons that haven’t even occurred to me yet. Whatever the reason, I feel pretty confident there will be some good come out of a discussion.

This post is a continuation of some things I have shared recently, regarding men and my trust issues. Men have been both a blessing and a curse in my life. In spite of the good, I’m still left with trust issues that creep up on me in a way that makes no sense sometimes. Although, maybe it would make sense if I could uncover the old memories triggering these reactions and deal with them somehow.

Today was one of those days. My niece has the sweetest young husband and I met him for the first time. They stayed over night with me as they are travelling back to Western Canada, they were easy to have around. We found lots of interesting things to talk about, it was a great visit. In the morning though, when it was time for them to leave, it was awkward. I wanted to hug them both good bye but I just couldn’t bring myself to initiate a hug with him. I cannot explain to you why that was, there was just something holding me back.

I am still beating myself up over it.

He could have hugged me and I would have responded, but he didn’t know that.

This is an ongoing issue with me, it happens all the time with my son-in-law, whom I love dearly. I want to hug him like I do the rest of the family, but I just can’t. He could hug me but I sense he has some of the same trust issues I do. It seems we end up hugging with a look.

So, getting back to the initial thinking behind this new post.

There is a question I have been asking myself for the last couple of weeks – how can I have empathy and distrust all at the same time? It seems like it should one or the other. Black or white.

For a short while, I was worried there was something emotionally wrong with  me, and that was distressing because I didn’t want it to be true. The concern over this idea was quickly relieved when someone shared a video on Facebook about a five year old brother comforting his little sister. In a flash, it struck a deep cord with me. I realize I learned to love at a very early age, even while I was learning to distrust.

I am the oldest of three with two brothers. There are five years between the oldest and the youngest and there has always been a strong bond between us.  Until now I have never really questioned why that is. I can see that I need to start asking more questions.

When I was thirteen or fourteen, living with my grandparents, I was asked to babysit, briefly, for several families with young babies. These were people I had never met. At the time I wondered why they would consider me, but it didn’t occur to me to question why I felt like I could do the job. Now it occurs to me to ask the question.

Why did I feel confident I could comfort a crying baby or change a dirty diaper? Why did  Grandma have enough confidence to allow me to take the job? There were no babies in our life with her, any experience I had with them would have come from another time.

At this point, looking back on our family dynamics, I can see my mother pressing me into service with my youngest brother. I’m sure Grandma would have been aware of this fact. I have no memory of any of it, but then, I don’t remember a lot of things. It turned out I did indeed know how. I still do.

me and Jax may 2017 WPG

My youngest brother’s great grandson Jax. We’ve just met for the first time (a year ago). His mother took this picture.

There’s more….

Lately, I have been having conversations with my older brother about our life in the early years. He remembers some things I don’t (my mind has buried all of the painful parts) and hearing what he had to say tells me – life was even worse than I imagined. Among other things, he said Dad was not a nice man.

He told me a number of things about those days but there was one story that shook me.

It was about Dad driving on the railroad tracks running behind our property, he was playing chicken with oncoming trains. I had heard these stories for years  and used to laugh, thinking it was something my crazy risk taking father would do. What I didn’t  realize at the time – my brother was with him, scared out of his mind. That’s one of the reasons why Dad did it, it was his perverse way of trying to force this kid to grow some courage. It finally stopped  when my 10 year old brother made up his mind he wasn’t going to let his fear show anymore. I’m horrified Dad would do that to a kid.

We also talked about another time I do remember. It was Dad beating my brother with a piece of hose, in front of all of us. A tool was missing from his work shop and he was convinced it was my brother’s  fault. I can still remember the distress of watching this happen. I could never understand why Mom did nothing to stop it.

One thing I’ve learned, by first hand experience, boys suffer from abuse as deeply as girls. That is the genesis of my soft heart for men, surviving life alongside my brothers, recognizing the pain in their life.

My oldest brother is the reason I’ve left denial behind and have taken ownership of the abusive early years in my life. He adamantly insisted that I must, even if the memories were shadowy and I couldn’t remember the actual events. He wanted to know why I thought I would be the favoured one, to escape abuse.

All three of us have blocked painful memories, but deep inside, we will never forget.

Our story does have a happy ending in spite of the terrible years. All three of us have grown into well adjusted, productive, loving people. We’ve left behind the bitterness and rage. A miracle, really.

One thing I’ve loved about this process of discovery – the heavy load of old baggage seems to grow lighter with each breakthrough experience.