my story

Must post

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Must post, can’t be breaking the posting streak again so soon.

I’ve only minutes to get this done in time while it’s still today so I’ll talk quick. I had good intentions but my nose was in a book and I lost track of time. Shocking I know.

I was relaxing after an awesome family time to celebrate a high school graduation.

It was fun. We ordered in from a new place serving Middle Eastern food. It was delicious and the portions were huge. Probably because Obby Khan owns it’s and he’s a retired footballer with a footballer appetite. Our boys will eat what the ladies couldn’t.

The evening felt special for our grad and it was even more exciting when a parade of cars dropped by the house with signs, horns blowing and shouts of congratulations.

Tomorrow they will do a drive-through at the school to receive his diploma, dressed in cap and gown accompanied by siblings and proud parents.

Must go.

Here is the book I’m reading…

Another installment of this and that

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The weather fluctuations are crazy. Last week the highs were over 30 degrees celsius and now today the furnace is on. And I’m still cold.

I’m restless too. That’s the reason why I’m dong this now. Get a few things off my chest so maybe I can settle down and sleep tonight.

I’m still thinking about yesterday’s post where the discussion started with an app on my cell phone that was driving me crazy and then morphed into a discussion about trust issues and fear.

A few things bother me out of that story. One is, I know there are readers who understand and empathize with discussions about abuse, triggers, and PTSD and then there are others who don’t. It’s the readers who don’t that trouble me.

There are other readers who are glad to hear these stories, it validates things they have endured. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles.

Another thing that bothers me; those who would say it’s all in the past why can’t you lay it aside, stop rehashing it and move on.

That’s the thing, I’m not reliving anything, ever. My subconscious mind won’t let me. My conscious mind knows enough (it steers away and refuses to think) that the two are in collusion and neither one will let me remember traumatic events. Small details, discussions, memories over the course of many years have allowed me to piece together a hazy but accurate picture of what went on. My mind just shuts down and closes up shop at the mention of this subject.

Reactions, mostly inappropriate (as in not fitting to the situation) such as the one I had regarding a new app on my phone, one that should have been no big deal. A well adjusted mind would thought – interesting, wonder what that’s about – and then explored to figure it out. I viewed it as an enemy trying to impose unwanted interference in my life.

It’s only been a few months since I’ve started to look closely at these reactions, to try and unpack what is going on in my head when it happens. I would name my emotional reaction as the panic you have when a hated spider comes near and you jump, scream, and run. I don’t actually do those things but the emotions running through me feel exactly like that. Get away, get away, get away!!!

To be afraid of something, there has to have been a traumatic encounter of some sort somewhere along the line. The trouble is I have no conscious memories to help me figure these things out. On the other hand, I’m sure it’s a bigger blessing that I can’t remember. There are a few disturbing words that I know apply to me. Good thing I can’t remember what happened.

There is one shadowy memory that has been with me forever it seems. It took many decades for me to figure out what it meant, not that I was trying, or wanting to know. In fact it was the opposite. My curiosity level was zero.

More recently I’ve figured out who was there for that event. There was one man who disapproved of the situation but stayed to protect me as best he could. I can’t explain the gratitude I feel now when I think of him and that memory.

Anyway, that’s enough for this time. My anxiety level has dropped and it’s time for sleep. Any more would probably be counter-productive anyway.

When I started this I wanted to express this story in a way that didn’t feel cryptic or disjointed. I’m not sure that I’ve succeeded.

Now if I had more time … 🙂

We all learned some things

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It’s funny how a lighthearted conversation can turn into something so much more.

So the back story is that this annoying application showed up on my android phone a number of months ago and it kept wanting to open things up for me. I had no idea where it came from or why it was there. Unequivocally, I wanted it gone. Stop trying to take over my phone and my life.

Nothing worked the same with it there. I was happy with life before it showed up and I just wanted it off my phone so things could go back to normal. I even searched out removal instructions but couldn’t make them work for some reason.

After limping along for a very long time I mentioned it at my daughter’s house yesterday, complaining that I missed dates because I couldn’t access my calendar anymore. She enlisted the help of my grandson and while he searched to see what the app was all about before he looked for removal instructions, I laughingly but vehemently admitted to my rebelliousness at the app for trying to take over my life.

I’d figured out how to work around it for most things just not everything and I was highly resentful.

This was new territory for my daughter, I think she called it an eye opening experience listening to me rant about how much I hated the interference of this thing. Thankfully she didn’t enlarge on her comment during the family Zoom call later on.

So with my grandson’s search, he discovered the annoying app must have been an update and it was intended to launch apps, replacing the last version of an app launcher. It wasn’t the enemy I took it for and it wasn’t trying to take over my life and force me to do things I didn’t want to do.

There was a choice for just-once or always. I thought that meant it was an optional thing and the just-once was to decide if I wanted it or not. Turns out the just-once was to let me choose between two versions. He checked them out, we decided on always, problem solved.

At the time, I thought the whole conversation was hilarious. Later, thinking about why I felt like I was being pressured to do it’s biding, the conversation in my head took on a more serious tone.

Part of the problem in the misunderstanding is that while I can figure out how to use most apps, I have a problem with operating system issues. It’s always been that way. Probably because the need for action shows up so seldom.

The bigger part of the misunderstanding is more complicated. Thinking about my knee jerk reaction and my unreasonable position of viewing the app as the enemy, I have to admit, an irrational response on my part is pretty normal as a first reaction to many things.

I see the enemy everywhere because I have major trust issues.

I have to figure out how to make positive changes.

*********

I’ve been thinking about a dog. After seeing my grandson’s new puppy. A dog would be an easy way to share my life with another being and allow a little more than the usual contact with other humans.

Hmmmm.

I know. I have to stop thinking that everyone and everything is out to harm me. Fear is no way to live a fulfilling life.

Are you sure about that?

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This is a question I ask myself often. Starting as a young adult. I had taken a serious position on something and later discovered I was wrong. I soon discovered I wasn’t a big fan of eating crow.

It’s easy to be swayed by opinions or appearances. The question is: are there any facts to back up these conclusions.

Recently I watched an interesting interview and in the middle of it the guest expressed strong negative opinions about a respected and popular podcaster. In the guest’s opinion the person in question was part of cancel culture.

In a way I can see how he could draw this conclusion but it troubles me deeply because I’m not sure it’s true. I’ve heard strong opinions in the podcasts and I don’t always agree with his way of thinking but nothing so far has proven to me that the podcast host cancels people. The guest’s opinion, though, has raised doubt in my mind and I wish I could know for sure.

The guest has had a troubled life in many ways and his opinion could be colored by personal angst. Offence taken where none was intended. There is that to consider.

Some things we can never be sure about but other times, with a little digging, we can be sure.

Another news item heard on line was reporting the results of a poll. In the political arena the question was do you think this man can do a better job than his opponent? The numbers showed the answer was yes. I admit to being shocked.

Ironically, I had seen a number of interviews with the favored personality and he did not do well at convincing anyone of his ability to handle the position. I wanted to ask the polled respondents are you sure about that? It was obvious they hadn’t done their homework.

Our culture seems to run on opinions and appearances. The thing is, we can look good on the surface but sometimes good ends there.

In the Bible it talks about not judging lest we be judged. The connotation usually is that we should avoid negative judgment. I heard someone talk about this verse not long ago and they pointed out that while we shouldn’t judge people as bad we also should not judge them as good. We can be just as wrong either way. It’s true, when I think about it for very long.

In the last year, for some of us, our world was rocked when terrible allegations were leveled against a popular and beloved public figure. Those closest to him rose fiercely to his defense. The problem with all of this was that the unthinkable allegations were true. There was irrefutable evidence. Those closest to him could have clung to their perceptions and opinions but they didn’t. Instead they mounted an investigation to find the truth and when they found it they owned it.

Opinions and impressions are based in emotion. Emotion, while an essential part of life, can get things so wrong. Provable facts are like bedrock.

These days it seems most of us are happy to accept as fact whatever we are being told. It takes time and energy to answer the question.

Are you sure about that?

This and that, second try.

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Last time I tried this it was a bust. My mind was on holiday.

Actually, it wasn’t, not really. My thoughts were focused on a number of things and, for a variety of reasons (none of them bad,) it wasn’t appropriate to talk about any of them. That is still the case but at least now I’ve recognized a solution and can move on to the small talk areas in my life instead.

The weather. It’s been crazy this last week or so. Soaring temperatures, wild thunder and lightening storms. Wind gusts battering the house, trying to blow in the windows. Torrents of rain challenging the gutters to handle it all.

A backyard that, with all the heat and moisture, has gone from zero to overgrown in four weeks. The thistles seem to grow a foot a day, I swear. This year I broke down and bought some serious weed killer to deal with it all. Now if it would only dry up enough to avoid walking in mud to spray it around.

Between extreme heat and heavy rain it has been an exercise in futility for the painting team to meet their projected finish date. The last task is the deck, fingers crossed it will be dry enough to be painted by Saturday. The fence and the house look even better than expected. The young ladies did a great job and they liked my color choices. A win/win situation in my books.

There is talk today about lifting some of the covid restrictions around here, which is good news. The infection rates have been high and our medical staff is feeling burned out. For their sake it will be nice to see an end to this plague. It has been a challenge to convince people to do the right thing and take care. Who knew Manitobans could be such rebels?

I did my part, in my hermitage.

Although I have to admit, lately I have been going out more often than I have in years. At least one trip a week and sometimes even four in a week. Grocery store, multiple drive-thru, even Canadian Tire a time or two. I know, hey. Crazy.

It has been good having people around this week, even if they are not here for social reasons.

Power outages and thunder storms, that’s the other thing messing up my life this week. They don’t work well with computers and internet connections.

I’m still smiling though and I even feel like smiling, nothing fake going on here, so life is good.

We will talk books next time.

Last night I missed the midnight deadline by two minutes. This time I’ll pay more attention. It’ll still be close.

See ya later.

Checking in

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Hey everyone,

I’m just checking in. I planned on posting everyday but it’s been sporadic lately. My mind has been focusing on other areas and without good book suggestions I’ve been coming up empty on things to talk about. Today is looking like that kind of day too. I figured a little something, anything, would be a good idea just in case I don’t get back here later.

The usual emails have no suggestions that interest me so that’s a bust. I’m almost finished the read I mentioned last night and haven’t looked to see what’s next. It isn’t a very long book and another hour or so should finish it but no time, I’m headed to work.

I have a big day planned. We will see if it works out. Fingers crossed. Usually when I plan a deep dive that’s the signal for emails to go crazy. Maybe I can fly under the radar for a while. That would be nice.

Tomorrow will be busy too. A painting company is coming to power wash fences, deck, and stucco in preparation for painting once it all dries out. Even if I don’t have to be involved just having them here will be a distraction. It will be great to have everything freshened up. This is the first time I’ve had this work done on this house. It turns out I should have been painting the wood every few years. Oops.

We won’t even talk about the yard. With all the rain and periods of hot weather the plants and weeds have gone crazy. My excuse for not getting out there is all the rain we’ve had. The soil is like clay and sticks to my boots in big clumps, an impossible mess.

The grass has just taken off and it’s fun to watch the birds in the back yard hunting for bugs. It’s like they are walking through shoulder high fields. The little birds are almost lost from sight in it. The guys are coming to mow today. I wonder if the birds will be sad.

If anything interesting shows up I’ll be sure to share it later.

Just to add a little color to the day, here is my current read.

It’s near the end, she’s figured out who killer is and she’s in his clutches. Will the authorities (her friends) find her in time? Of course they will, you don’t kill off the main character. Knowing that, the suspense is still great.

Have a good day, and Happy Reading!

I wonder…

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Sometimes I wonder, okay, often I wonder, what is going on with all the shouting and yelling I’m hearing these days?

It reminds me of a commotion a couple of years ago.

There is a drainage area running between my house and the one behind me, it’s filled with a layer of stones and the weeds like to grow in between them. I was out there cleaning things up one day and this bird starts making a terrible racket. He (I’m assuming it was a he) was making all this noise and then he starts with the theatrics. Down on the stones he’s flipping himself around, dragging one wing and flapping the other one wildly.

I’d never seen a bird do this before and I’m thinking What in the world? I’m looking all over and I can’t see a nest anywhere in the trees or bushes around me. I’m not seeing any other birds. He’s obviously trying to protect something but I have no idea what.

The memory of that bird reminds me of the shouting and yelling I’m hearing these day and makes me wonder all the same things. What in the world is going on, what is someone protecting?

I don’t know if it is appropriate or not, but the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the frantic commotion – two names, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Swaggart. Those boys had somethings to hide.

Yelling usually means smoke screening. A dead give away someone cares about something.

Inquiring minds jump on things like this and start looking around to see what the fuss is about.

The first place my mind goes is to a movie with lovable funny man Tim Allen where he had all these wives and ex-wives and he kept adding more. Even worse, he involved his unwilling daughter in the cover-up and deception.

It all came crashing down when he was on a Caribbean island with a friend. Tim was having a good time romancing the locals until he and his friend went parasailing. Somehow his friend fell out of his harness.

Trouble started for Tim when his family was mistakenly notified of his death. The uproar between his known wives was bad enough but when unknown wives started showing up for the funeral, well…

This week one of the books I read was a stressful story where a well known, pillar of the community family, had a deep dark secret. Lots of yelling with fists flying.

In the end the secret wasn’t that this paragon of virtue had a wild temper and was abusing his family. No, the secret was that he had a mistress and was planning to kill his present family to be with his new family. He managed to murder his wife and one daughter while the other was rescued almost too late by her guard dog.

In other books the secret has been much bigger. A Hugh Heffner wannabe with a fabulous mansion filled with mistresses, a vast organization bringing in millions, and an off-shore bank account in the trillions.

When I think about it, the possibilities behind the yelling are endless.

Sometimes, it’s not just one bird squawking, sometimes a whole flock is involved.

One day there was a huge racket in the back yard. I looked out to see what the threat was, it was a band of kittens eyeing up the birds.

All the shouting makes me wonder. Will it be the guy with the mistress or will it be the Hugh Heffner wannabe?

For sure there is a secret. Smoke screens don’t happen without reason.

I wonder… do we need to be nervous?

So, the bird I couldn’t figure out?

As I worked my way through the weeds I went to move a cute little stone and realized it was an egg. Just sitting there on the other stones. Obviously that was what had his shorts all in a knot. What a crazy place to lay your eggs.

I googled birds to see if I could find this guy and I think it was a Plover. They lay their eggs on curbs and other unlikely places on the ground. They protect their nest by making a big fuss pretending to be injured. It didn’t work on me although I did give that area a wide berth as I kept weeding. I didn’t want him having a heart attack but at the same time I can’t work in the yard on your bird schedule either, thank you very much.

They didn’t show up the next year. I guess they moved on to safer parking lots.

A little This and That

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Today’s edition of a little more of this and that.

A couple of thoughts have been rolling around in my head, provoking me for the last few days. Both of them raised in books I’ve been reading this week, and they aren’t letting go.

The loudest thought was expressed by a character in Charles Martin’s Water Keeper. A young woman exposed to drugs had been through rehabilitation a number of times and knew what was in store. Not fun. This time, because of a severe injury she was addicted to opioid pain killers and was desperate to find some way to make withdrawal survivable. Many years after the fact she shared with a friend how she did it.

She had become addicted to a new book series and as a distraction spent her time reading, desperately by the sounds of it. By the time she was past withdrawal she had re-read the first three books. in the series… twenty seven times.

I guess when she was finished she would just start all over again. In the end they were what helped keep her sanity.

That’s an amazing concept and I can totally see it working. It wouldn’t be easy, or a miraculous quick fix, but it could work.

Reading is my pain killer of choice, too, if I’m honest about why I read. That’s why I’m always on the look out for stories with the ability to transport me to another place. Whatever I’m struggling with is often forgotten, or at very least, in the rear view mirror, by the time the story I’m vicariously living is done.

********

The next expressed thought to grab my attention will be with me for a very long time to come, I think. Probably because it is touching me on a deeply personal level.

I don’t remember which book I was reading but I remember the experience of those words.

One of the characters had an aging parent with dementia. As the disease progressed there was an ever increasing issue with displays of anger and it was causing problems in the care facility. They were threatening to expel the patient if the threat to other patients and staff couldn’t be addressed.

Discussing the issue with her friend, she couldn’t understand how a gentle loving man had become this difficult person.

Here’s the thought that arrested me. It’s not a direct quote, it’s what I can remember of the interaction.

All our lives we were taught manners and self-restraint. We could be angry with someone but it would be impolite to express the way we felt and so we were gracious.

When we fall into dementia those learned filters are no longer in place and unresolved anger comes out freely.

This is distressing food for thought, I don’t want to be that angry person if I fall into dementia. For now my filters are firmly in place and there are no temper flare ups, with people.

With inanimate objects it’s another story. Like with tangled hangers in the closet or with plants catching at my rake as I’m trying to gather up fallen leaves. The rage always surprises me and I am worried about where it’s coming from.

I can’t remember enough of the buried details of my abusive early life to have a meaningful conversation with a counselor, at least that is my opinion. On the other hand the root of this anger would be a good reason for a discussion with someone, while I still have filters.

******************

So those are the thoughts rolling around in my head these days.

There is an idea from a third book giving me pause but I’ll save that for another day.

**********

Our cold weather has become more than warm in the last few days. It was 27c yesterday and is supposed to reach 30c today.

Everything is growing like crazy. Tree leaves have been popping out fast enough to make my head spin. We are loving it.

Remember to read. It has great side benefits.

This and that, one more time.

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This is one of those days when it’s taking a herculean effort to sit down and write, I think it’s the uncomfortable space I’m in that’s at fault. I’ll going to try for a this-and-that kind of day and see if anything worthwhile shows up.

I think it’s been a cluster of things that are getting to me, none of it bad though. Some of it is probably taking me out of my comfort zone and that’s the reason for the distress. Adding all the little things together, it does a number on me. The worst thing about it is that the physical response to stress is sidelining me. Frustrating. I wish I could just take a pill and move on. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Oh well, at least there were bright spots in my week.

This was tax time and mine has been filed, on time. (sigh of relief) There was even a small refund. (Awesome.)

I finally gave in and ordered a replacement for a completely destroyed vacuum cleaner hose. I’d taped it together many times until it was finally hanging only by a thread. Even then I just held it together as best I could to limp through a cleaning. The hold up was insecurity about ordering the right thing.

It should arrive in the next few days so we’ll see if I made the right choice. I hate doing things when I don’t think I know what I’m doing.

Life is ironic sometimes. Between my house and my job, I’ve had to do more than a few things I’ve never done before. Especially in the last two years, and we’re not done yet. I have to say though, once I’ve done and conquered, I’m feeling pretty happy about myself.

There is another chore I’ve been putting off. If I want to keep them, I need to put chicken wire around some plants the neighborhood rabbits keep eating. I don’t mind them eating the grass but I wish they’d leave the plants alone. Wishful thinking on my part.

I’ve been hoping the rabbits would be a predator’s lunch one day but so far it hasn’t happened and they are getting big, maybe too big now. My neighbor tells me the eagles like to swoop in and grab lunch but so far these guys have managed to escape those clutches.

There’s more swirling around in my head but for your sake I’ll quit here. Maybe save it for another time.

I have to say writing this has been therapeutic for me and hopefully not too boring for you. 🙂

Currently I’m reading the book I promised in the last post. I’m loving it. One thing about longevity in writers, they can build on their experience to come up with increasingly complex characters and situations. That’s why I’m loving this book so much. I’m glad I grabbed it yesterday because it was a small window of opportunity, it’s not a bargain anymore. Even at full price it’s worth it though.

Full Disclosure

Ann Silver is a cop’s cop. As the Midwest Homicide Investigator, she is called in to help local law enforcement on the worst of cases, looking for answers to murder. Hers is one of the region’s most trusted investigative positions.

Paul Falcon is the FBI’s top murder cop in the Midwest. If the victim carried a federal badge or had a security clearance, odds are good Paul and his team see the case file or work the murder.

Their lives intersect when Ann arrives to pass a case off her desk and onto his. A car wreck and a suspicious death offer a lead on a hired shooter he is tracking. Paul isn’t expecting to meet someone, the kind that goes on the personal side of the ledger, but Ann Silver has his attention.

****************************

Thanks for listening.

Enjoy your Saturday.

Free book April 23, 2021

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BookRune has a FREE suggestion for us. This author is on my favorites list and I’ve recently read five of her books. I’m looking forward to this one too.

When I Come Home Again: A Big Prairie

Amazon quote:

A tragic fallout drove them apart. When a family crisis calls him back to his small hometown where she still lives, will forgiveness lead them to a second chance?

Brenna Blaum had been sure of three things in her life—her brother, her running, and her dad’s star receiver. But in a matter of a year’s time, everything she’d counted on fell apart, leaving her devastated. Seven years later, she’s stable again. She has a supportive boyfriend, fulfilling career, and close friends. She keeps her past heartache where it belongs—in her rearview mirror. Until the man who broke her heart finds his way back to Big Prairie.

Craig Erikson had it all—popularity, success, and the love of his high school coach’s daughter. But after a year of mistakes that ended in a tragic accident, he’d left Big Prairie—the place he’d thought to always call home—hoping that without his antagonizing presence, Brenna would be able to heal. Now his mother desperately needs him, as do two young boys in her care. Craig has little choice but to return for good.

Unsure that she can forgive him, Brenna does her best to avoid him. Irritated that she ignores him as if they’d never meant anything to each other, Craig becomes determined not to allow it.

*********************************

That’s all I have for book suggestions at the moment but if anything else shows up I’ll let you know.

*******************

Yesterday I shared pictures from family, of springtime in south western British Columbia, Canada. I was thrilled to see them mainly because we used to live there, within a few blocks of this actually. Spring is beautiful and looking at this picture brings back many pleasant memories.

In some ways I wouldn’t mind living there again but…

I have no reason to live there. That makes all the difference, I’ve found.

Without a reason it’s just not the same and it all falls kind of flat. There are a few places I’ve had reason to live more than once and it was different each time. The river of life moves on. I will treasure the memories I have of my time in Victoria and appreciate the new memories I’m making in this – my chosen spot, for now.

Speaking of my chosen spot, it is chilly out there. Last week we had storms and snow. This week the new snow is nearly gone and the weather is supposed to warm up, or so we were told. This morning I went out with the garbage, coat-less. Looking out it seemed like a hoodie should be enough. Not. The wind was bitter and it turned out to be -1c, feels like -8c.

Chatting with my neighbor for a few moments was a shivery affair.

Fickle, fickle weather.

One thing I do love about this place though; once the sun comes out it is always hot wherever it hits no matter what the real temperature is. Good job it shines often.

Happy Reading y’all.