loneliness

I don’t feel like writing….

/ For the Love of Books / 2 Comments

I don’t feel like writing… and the reason for this is not good. A blogger I follow is going through a rough patch and it is his pain that started mine. Empathy. I sense pain in others and take it on as my own. I don’t mean to, I know it’s not healthy – taking another’s pain as your own – but sometimes intentions aren’t enough to stop empathy.

This blogger is a young man and I am neither young, nor a man. He writes in a general way giving very little detail about his personal life, yet there is something in his writing that leaves the impression of much more below the surface.

I am drawn to reading his posts but I am an introvert, and there is the age/gender thing, so I am trying to stay hidden. Not an easy thing to do as his audience is still small.  Regular visitors stand out rather dramatically. With view stats he would see activity from my country only, but with likes and comments he would see my identity. So, I keep likes to a minimum, and avoid making comments. Eventually his curiosity about this person reading all of his posts has him trying to coax me out into the open. I steadfastly refuse to rise to the bait, until he shares a post revealing some of his pain. The encourager in me can’t help but respond, and I think this is where the trouble begins. But I could be wrong. It could have little to do with my response and much to do with the aftermath of his revealing some of his personal pain.

The trouble with wounded introverts, in my experience, is they over examine every interaction and then flog themselves mercilessly.  I can see signs of flogging going on. There is the unusually long silence and then today’s post indicating deep pain, with the probability of no more blogging. That would be a shame, on so many levels. I expressed this in a comment. I hope he hears and is encouraged to keep in touch.

I have been focused on what I imagine to be his pain paying little attention to my own pain based behaviors. Recognizing the resulting depression in me is the reason for this blog post …. forcing myself back into community, avoiding the tendency for withdrawal.

There is something therapeutic about the attempt to express thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense. It helps defend against depression. And, community feed back  from posting is a bonus.

I hope my blogger friend will stay in community and keep writing. I know he will discover others who have travelled roads similar to his and will cheer him on, and he will discover growth in positive new insights about himself.

It’s working for me tonight, I would like to see it work for him too

And the pressure is off, hiding is over, no more avoiding comments and likes. Nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A favorite book this week

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This week is about books, some I loved and some…I didn’t.

Generally, I don’t like to talk about books I dislike in a blog post (I save my rants over pet peeves for in person conversations not caught on camera) Putting dislike into words in a blog post just feels too much like a written rejection letter.  I would rather stick to the positive and  tell you about the books I liked and let the negative be shown subtly by the book’s absence from my list.

But, there’s a downside to positive only comments, it gives the impression I am an  indiscriminate reader.

So, I will give you a reason to believe I have opinions about what’s good and what’s not. There were a half dozen books this week that didn’t survive past the first few pages. There were two in particular, though, that caused a high level of disappointment. I had great expectations for them because they were written by popular public figures with something to say. I kept reading longer than usual, wanting them to get better. They didn’t

The first one is an allegory, I’ve read other books in a similar style and loved them, I expected to love this one too. The first off putting thing was, the hype overkill at the beginning of the book. How many endorsements do you really need! The second off-putting thing was, the story didn’t live up to the hype. It was disjointed, hard to follow, and the symbolism didn’t marry well with descriptions and actions, which was frustrating.

The second book was also similar in style to several other books I’ve read and enjoyed  recently. My expectations were high because I’ve not seen another book address this particular topic, at least not from this angle. The introduction gave me hope because it talks about how the book came to be, and how it was originally longer but they pared it down significantly. It could have been pared down even more, in my opinion. How many ways should you say the same thing?

The major downfall I see with both of these books; they had something worth saying, but the process of writing is not a strong skill for either of them. An experienced editorial team would have been a great asset.

I give them kudos for trying though because writing a successful book is not as easy as it looks.

 

So, having mentioned books I didn’t like, it’s time to mention some books I did like, enough to stay up reading half the night in some cases.

Kiya Trilogy – Kiya: Hope of the Pharaoh book 1, Kiya: Mother of a King book 2 – Katie Hamstead …… this is a fictionalized story of King Tut, an excellent read and my favorite this week. I’m looking forward to reading book 3

Detective Madison Knight Series – Deadly Impulse book 6 – Carolyn Arnold …… I enjoy Carolyn Arnold and this was another good one from her, lots of believable twists and turns while  looking for the killer.

Bridge to Haven – Francine Rivers ….. this story starts when an abandoned newborn is mercifully found by a tender hearted man, under the bridge at the edge of town. Sometimes the sad places of our lives cause us to make devastating decisions. This is a book of second chances. Francine Rivers has been one of my favorite authors for many years and still is.

A Riley Paige Mystery – Once Gone book 1, Once Taken book 2 – Blake Pierce ….  a brilliant female police detective with a broken past that makes her more than a little prickly. Blake Pierce is a new favorite author of mine.

The Kate Lange Thriller Series – Damaged book 1 – Pamela Callow …..  Suspense…. recovering from the death of her sister and a messy break-up, Kate finds herself with a new law firm, embroiled in a dangerous mystery.

Skye Cree Thriller – The Box of Bones book 3 – Vickie McKeehan …. a serial killer, dismembered bodies, and not much to go on. This was  believable too, a mystery that keeps you guessing to the end, the best kind.

The Retired Gardener – Gideon Williams ….. this is definitely not your usual thriller, a retired gardener who always seems to side step away from harm directed at him.  A new slant on thrillers.

As always, I hope you will be on the lookout for good books, there are so many out there waiting to be found.

Happy reading!

A tell-all chapter

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If I were writing a memoir (which I’m not, at least not yet anyway) most readers would be looking for tell-all chapters. This might qualify.

In the last post love my flowers…. and books I mentioned that I am an introvert and if the neighbours were to see me trying to take pictures of the flowers in my yard, it would be a tragedy of epic proportions. At the time, I said this somewhat tongue in cheek, but, as I thought about it later, it felt honest rather than dramatic, and honest felt really good.

One thing always leads to another, in my mind anyway, and this line of thought lead me to consider the possible impact the early years would have had on my introverted self. I wouldn’t say those years were the cause but I can see how they would have  contributed.

Both families moved many times over the years and eventually ended up in the same town, that’s how they met. Dad was a friend of one of mom’s brothers. It’s ironic that they were both born in Alberta, Vegreville and Youngstown, if I remember right. It seems like the they unintentionally followed each other around a bit.

Secrets have been the trademark of both families so I am short on details and have to speculate about some things.

I suspect mom was still living at home when they started going out together but don’t know for sure, I assume dad wasn’t living at home but don’t know that for sure either, I think his parents moved back to the States somewhere in that time frame. Also, I have no idea what the length of their relationship would have been, but it must not have been too short for mom’s brother to have been part of the scene. I’ve always assumed, from the information we were given through the years, that they were married the year before I was born, recently we discovered this was incorrect, they were married 13 months after I was born.

Both grandparents were strong in their faith, at least the grandmothers were, dad’s family was Catholic….church attendance was very important, Mom’s family was Protestant…… her step father was the pastor. Religious differences were a big deal.

Back in the 40s conceiving a child out of wedlock was a major scandal, both inside and outside the church. This would have been a huge  blow to mom’s dad,  personally as a minister, and could have been the reason for his retirement, given church rules at the time. It could even have been a forced resignation made to look like a retirement.

The second scandal would have been living arrangements, for the duration of the pregnancy and the 13 months of my life before the wedding, putting 2 and 2 together with little bits of information given out over the years, I suspect they had no alternative but to live together.

One of the reasons I think this was the case,  with them trying to fly under the radar, was again, bits and pieces from mom’s stories about my birth. Wearing dad’s shirts as smocks. Taking herself to the hospital only to be told, come back in six months and maybe she would have something, (staying small would have been to go unnoticed). Then a few hours later giving birth to a 6 pound baby girl. Upset because the father of her child was out partying with her brother, when he should have been there with her.

I don’t know much about the wedding plans either except that one of dad’s sisters stood up with mom, and mom had a beautiful dress. They were married in the Catholic church after she promised the priest their children would be raised Catholic. In my experience dad was not a church goer so I’m guessing this was an empty promise. We weren’t brought up in either church.

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For religious reasons, this marriage was  unacceptable to both sides of the family, but with children involved what choice did they have.

During pregnancy and beyond, our home would have been filled with angst. Dad wasn’t ready for marriage or kids, his actions showed that, and it would be pretty safe to say  mom wasn’t ready either. My birth was not the happy occasion it would have been under normal circumstances. If babies hear while in the womb, and pick up on emotions, there would have been lots for me to hear and feel.

Apparently, the introvert in me surfaced early. There were stories. About how, as a baby, I didn’t warm up to dad and he wasn’t happy. About how I would cry if anyone looked at me when we were out in public. About how I wouldn’t go to  anyone.

Not such a great beginning, for any of us.

There were other things, besides the events of my birth, adding to my desire for invisibility, but we will save them for another tell-all chapter.

I’m sure other family members have heard stories over the years and could shed light on some things. I would love to hear your stories sometime.

Well, we need a few books now…to lighten things up a bit

The Amish Bishop Mysteries – What the Bishop Saw book 1 – Vannetta Chapman….. this was one of my favorite books this week…. the Bishop has a gift that is more of a burden than a blessing, tragic happenings prompt him to overcome his reluctance to use it, to help find answers.

The Sisters of Sugarcreek – Cathy Liggett ….. an elderly aunt dies leaving a knitting shop to her untalented niece, a fire destroys a church and a way of life for one charitable woman, the same fire kills a fireman leaving a widow without the skills to deal with her everyday life. Three ladies drawn together to form an unbreakable bond, each one having something the others need. I really liked this book of healing and restoration.

The Teacup Novellas – At Legends End book 4 – Diane Moody….. This was another favorite this week, I always enjoy Diane Moody’s books and this series was a favorite. A beautiful B&B, in an old house with tragedy in it’s past, the question on everyone’s mind…does the legend still hold true? I was happy that in spite of the Novella tag it seemed to be a regular length book.

An Offering: The Tale of Therese – Allison Pittman ….  this was a short, but good, story about a little girl and how life changed for her.

I have a string of unfinished books this time too, so they haven’t all been great, which only makes me appreciate the good ones even more 🙂

There are a lot of good books out there and I hope you are discovering them.

Until next time, Happy Reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Married & Alone: a review, and a story

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Last week the book review was for Intimacy Anorexic, this week it is for Married & Alone, the companion book by Doug Weiss PhD. The truth of these books will turn your world upside down, as new understanding dawns.

Several posts ago, in regard to my life’s journey, I mentioned that although great strides had been made, there were still areas in my life needing answers. Many decades into the process, sadly, the end was not yet here.

No matter the number of contacts made, books read, or the time invested in understanding dynamics, things were still unclear for me.

One possible reason for his lack of interest in me; could he be gay? I entertained this possibility more than once through the years but was never convinced it could be true. Too many indicators to prove otherwise.

I knew he had thick, high walls of protection I’d never been allowed behind. He had  a passive way of deflecting so the walls were not a blatant issue. He had a passive/dismissive way about most things, which meant it was hard to grasp hold of what was really going on. It was hard to get an exploratory discussion going because it was like smoke and mirrors, it isn’t solid so how can it be discussed.

I knew for sure there was no connection between us, living with him was beyond lonely.

Occasionally, other questions cropped up. Like, why is there a sense of competition between us, why would he feel threatened by me, even though I make sure to stay away from those areas he claims as his.

Or, why would he throw me under the bus, in front of other people, wasn’t he supposed to be my protector? If he loved me, wouldn’t he stand up for me?

I was frustrated because we were pretending to have this perfect happy marriage.

I was frustrated because of the deep inexplicable pain no one, including me, seemed to understand.

Eventually, I heard about this book, Married & Alone, and I thought, THAT’S ME.

I wish I had read it when I first heard about it but things sometimes happen only when the time is right. Reading the book now has filled in the blanks and answered  the questions.

Here are some of the treasures found in this book:

  • Clear definitions of  the Intimacy Anorexic and the effect on the spouse of such a person.

It is validating to know I’m not crazy, it isn’t my imagination, it isn’t my fault, and, I couldn’t fix any of it – no matter how hard I would try.

  • Clear descriptions of what the recovery process should look like, and what it looks like if it isn’t happening.

Believe actions, not words. Know the signs to show actions are happening.

  • Clear information regarding credentials and qualifications of professional help, and questions to ask in determining your needs.

I’ve never seen this information laid out as clearly and concisely. This section alone makes the book worthwhile.

  • Clearly shows the path from discovery point to the end question,  what now – stay or leave?

Rather than offer opinions or directions, Dr. Weiss offers questions to ask and truths to consider. His purpose is to help guide us through the murky and confusing world that is our life, helping us come to a place of understanding. With understanding, we have the tools to make a decision about the right course of action for our unique situation.

For me; it was wonderful to get to the end of the book and realize that, with God’s help, I had done everything Dr. Weiss laid out as steps toward healing. I had no previous idea about any of this but earnestly prayed for wisdom and direction, then when things occurred to me, and seemed logical, I did them.  Therapists, books, and knowledge, may not always be available to you, even then, help is still available from the One who never leaves us or forsakes us, the One who can teach us, and guide us to all the help we need.

I now have a clear picture of what was going on, I know everything that could be done has been done. There is a feeling of closure as this part of my healing journey is finally complete.

I hope you will read both books, the understanding gained will change your life and the lives of those around you.

The take away in regard to recovery: no more secrets; and each one must be willing to do the hard work.

These, and other helpful books, can be found at dougweiss.com or on Amazon

There is also a dedicated site   intimacyanorexia.com

There will be more posts in regard to this subject, I feel sure. The last step in the twelve step program charges us with the responsibility of helping others reach this place in the journey. Everyone needs someone to come alongside. We don’t journey alone, we are in this together.

 

 

 

 

 

Intimacy Anorexia: a review

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Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage by Douglas Weiss PHD.

Up until recently I knew of this book only by quotes I’d read. They were helpful but for some reason I never did read the whole book. Now I am wishing I had, much sooner.   Questions that have plagued me for years, and questions I hadn’t thought to ask, have been answered. At the start of the book I had questions in mind about one relationship, at the end, there were answers about 4 or 5 relationships.

Pondering  my new discoveries, I realize; this is not a new dilemma in families and relationships. This is an ancient generational issue.

In the introduction, Dr. Weiss mentions how he and his colleagues began to notice, in their practices of treating sex addicts, a type of client they couldn’t clinically explain.

This person, usually but not always, a male, was addicted to sex but was not having sex with his spouse.

Eventually, Dr. Weiss and his colleagues realized this practise had more to do with avoiding intimacy than it had to do with avoiding sex.

In case you think this is something that couldn’t be affecting you, Dr. Weiss mentions 25% and higher, as the number of people living with this.

You might be wondering, too, how this situation could fit so many relationships in my life. It turns out, avoidance of emotional intimacy affects not just the spouse but the whole family, in varying degrees.

Most statistics are based on information gathered. Many of us keep the family secrets,  what would stats be like if we didn’t?

In this book, the author will give a definition, characteristics, causes, patterns and strategies, and much more. This information will be helpful to both the addict and the spouse. There is also a companion workbook with exercises and a twelve step program to help with recovery.

If you read the book and need more help than it provides, they have phone in counselling sessions that can arranged. They also have three day, intensives, on site at their counselling center.

As Dr. Weiss says, their goal is to promote healing of this unique addiction process that is devastating so many marriages.

This book, and many of his other books, can be found on Amazon.com  Amazon.ca and probably other Amazon sites as well.

Books can also be ordered directly from his website  drdougweiss.com

A companion book to Intimacy Anorexia is Married and Alone and focuses on the spouse. I hope to read it soon and post another review.

If any of this strikes a chord in your heart and mind, I hope you will pursue this information more quickly than I have.

Also, if anyone wants to talk about this, the best place is probably on my Facebook page Janette McCormack-Blogger. Either a comment or a message. Keep in mind though, it is a public site.

May you find needed healing, and blessings, in these resources.

 

 

 

New pages added to this blog

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More new books at the end!

I’ve created some  new pages as a place to list books read. It’s great to list them at the bottom of each post so we can easily identity what’s new, but afterwards, they kind of get lost. Maybe a separate page would be a good way to find them again. We’ll give it a try.

The new pages are Romance….. Mystery/Thriller……. and.. Other Genres.

Other Genres is pretty much a mixed bag. If ever another category clearly shows up in this list, it can have it’s own page.

Mystery/Thriller has been published for you, the other two are still under construction.

If you find these pages helpful or interesting, leave a comment and let me know. Feedback would be useful I think.

Books read this week  –  all of them good reads

Unwritten: A Novel – Charles Martin……… as always, this novel is intensely real and engrossing, and, as always with his books, once started I couldn’t stop. I am putting this book under romance because it fits better than in mystery but it’s really not a romance. It’s about people facing life, trying to find a way to live through it.

One Last Summer – Jo Noelle…….. a short romance

The Seventh Sergeant (Three Rivers Ranch Romance Book 6)  – Liz Isaacson and Elena Johnson …… I think I’ve read most of the previous ones, this was a good story.

The Hideway – Lauren Denton ….. a romance centered around a group of unusual characters, mixed with family secrets.

Black & Blue (Lord and Lady Hetheridge Mystery Series Book 4) – Emma Jameson ….. I’ve read other book in this series and enjoyed them all.

Finding Courage (Love’s Compass Book 3) – Melanie D Snitker ……. a romance faced with intense family issues, will they survive?

Her Mother’s Hope (Marta’s Legacy Book 1) – Francine Rivers …… we grow up in difficult circumstances and run away to flee that kind of life, but in the end, have we really left it behind? or does history repeat itself anyway?

I started a new blog the other day…

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I have more than one passion I wish to share with the world and, so far, it has been an interesting but unproductive time trying to figure out how to make it work the way I visualize.

It seems to me these passions would be most effective if they were kept somewhat  separate, like food on certain people’s plates – not touching. It may be possible, on this site, to do what I have in mind, I won’t declare it isn’t, maybe I just need to learn more about the technical side of blogging to find there is a way it could be done. But so far it isn’t happening for me.

Another option just sort of jumped out at me a couple of days ago, I went with it and started a whole new blog. We will give it a try to see how it goes. Not everything in life is cast in stone, in my opinion, so changes can always be made later if it doesn’t go as smoothly as hoped.

My parallel passion to reading, is music. Two passions that have been with me pretty much my whole life, keeping me sane and happy, through thick and thin.

There are many days a song plays in my mind and I wish I could share it, as encouragement to someone who could use a glimmer of hope. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have to throw some songs out there if I want a chance to encourage.

The other day I heard a song and wanted to share it here but the only blog option I could see for sharing looked to be on Blogger……. hence the new blog. musictonourishmysoul.blogspot.com   …………….. posting as “music lover”

I will keep the discussion of music, and genres enjoyed, confined to the new blog.

If you are booklover reading this blog and you love music too, drop by for some encouragement, and maybe even a little fun now and then.  I hope to post more frequently, songs aren’t as time consuming as books, and posts will add up more quickly.

Books won’t be taking a back seat to music anytime soon, there is no threat of that!

Several books  are ready….with more on their way.

Any book listed here was read and enjoyed…… just saying!

Drowning For Rainbows – Kristoff Chimes …..   impossible situations threaten the tenuous peace in Bosnia. Follow a police chief, a peace keeping doctor, and a young couple from both sides of the conflict, as they struggle to stay alive.

Any Blooming Thing – Marisa Logan….. a romance ,  these two books were downloaded from InstaFreebie. it is working out better for me than I at first thought. Give it a try if you are looking for more free stuff

 

The Truth is…..

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Photo courtesy of my caring brother

*There is a list of books at the bottom of every post* 

THE other morning, as I was trying work up enough motivation to take a  shower, I got to thinking, again, about my long held theory in regard to old people and showers….. and clean houses. My thinking has been, as has that of many others’, I’m sure, now that they are old, because of failing eyesight, they  no longer seem to notice these needs.

I am officially an old person now, and since at this stage of life it seems I am aware of my motivational failings, then the truth must be; failing eyesight and sense of smell  have nothing much to do with the neglect of self and home, at least not for  many,  otherwise healthy, old people. Obviously, there has to be another reason.

I know what the reason is for me, when I am honest with myself. And it probably is the same reason for many other older, still healthy, people who find themselves leading a life free of the multitude of obligations and responsibilities they once had – depression and loneliness is that reason for me.

Sometimes it takes a jolt for me to see the truth about myself. Like the jolt delivered by the accident pictured above, in a moment when only a quiet thought went through my mind as I tried my best to stop, before hitting some elk standing in the middle of the road,  I wondered if this crash would take my life. I guess I will soon find out – I thought. Or, like the one received when on returning home after an extended work related trip, several years later,  and finding myself in a state of over-the-top distress at coming home to an empty house. It has been empty for over a decade, what makes this time so different? On later reflection,  these responses appeared to be inappropriate to the situations,  and  reflection on that thought caused me to examine the depths of the depression and loneliness I seemed to be ignoring in myself.

I think a lot about all of this, in relation to aging. I can be classed as old by some  while others insist I am not THAT old yet, but even at this age, I know I am not yet to the greater stage of reduced activity my future holds, and I know for sure, if I keep breathing, I will be there one day. I think about older friends and family members and what their lives were like with the level of understanding we had back then. I hope our quality of life as seniors will be better if we have a greater understanding of depression and loneliness  and how it  affects the elderly.

Depression is a complex subject, affecting all ages, not just the elderly, and there are no easy answers, There are differences in our chemical makeup, life experiences, and personalities, to say nothing of genetics, and probably other factors too.

Admitting the truth to myself is a big first step for me. Paying attention, to those things  which noticeably help make life seem worth living, has worked for me too.

I haven’t happened upon any one thing that would cause depression and loneliness to leave me but this new venture in writing has been making a noticeable difference. There is a pressure release in expressing myself in print, probably because of having to find a way to say things so they make sense, this form of expression, demanding complete thoughts, helps cast a different light on things. For sure, it helps me understand certain aspects of my life better. Added insights are always good. Cecil Murphey in Unleash the Writer Within declares that he has saved many thousands of dollars in therapists fees by pouring himself out on paper. Saving money is good too!

This morning, after rereading my words from last night, I feel a renewed lightness, a sense of hope. I hope this spark of hope is catching, especially if you are needing a spark of hope too.

Now, on to books read since last post!

A number of the books recommended for me this week have again been about historical wars. Over the course of my reading life, there have been a large number of books relating to the many wars fought on this earth, most notably, the American civil war, World War 2 and Brock and Bodie Theone’s two series about the Jewish point of view, pre and during WWII, to name just a few. In spite of the many books written it appears  there are still many more stories to be told, and the books this week did lend a perspective new to me. Not all of the books this week were about war though.

Through The Barricades: Winner of the SCBWI Spark Award 2017 – Denise Deegan …. a story of bravery, and dual struggles that divide rather than unite. A story of Ireland and WWI.   Another Good book!

Daffodils (The Katherine Wheel Book 1) – Alex Martin …… A story of war, young love, and class distinctions that fade as men and women from both classes fight together in a horrific war, that became theirs whether they wanted it to or not. A good book!

Kidnapped: The Beginning – Book 0  – J. S. Donovan ……. a mystery surrounding a ???   can’t tell you, because the author gives out clues in layers, and if I told you what it is about, why, that would be a spoiler, and the author definitely asked for reviews with NO spoiler alerts. It does involve a kidnapping – I can tell you that much. And I enjoyed the book.

Thunder (Stone Braide Chronicles Book 1) – Bonnie S Calhoun ….. post WWIII, Landers are being tracked and sold as slaves. a young girl encounters a Lander, which sets of a series of unimaginable events. I enjoyed this book and look forward to reading the sequel one day.

Sanctuary Lost (WITSEC Town Series Book 1) – Lisa Phillips …. I’ve read book 2 as well, previously,  and enjoyed the mystery of them both. Small towns are not always what they seem, especially when peopled with those under witness protection.

The James L Rubart Collection: Rooms, Book of Days, and The Chair ….. these books are written in a  style similar to author Frank Peretti. There is a huge spiritual dimension to these books…. rooms in a mansion that weren’t there yesterday but are today: a book that is being pursued by many but no one knows for sure if it is real or just legend: a chair with healing properties, passed down through generations, fought for by the power hungry.

Happy reading and, hopefully, writing too!