God’s love

A tell-all chapter

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If I were writing a memoir (which I’m not, at least not yet anyway) most readers would be looking for tell-all chapters. This might qualify.

In the last post love my flowers…. and books I mentioned that I am an introvert and if the neighbours were to see me trying to take pictures of the flowers in my yard, it would be a tragedy of epic proportions. At the time, I said this somewhat tongue in cheek, but, as I thought about it later, it felt honest rather than dramatic, and honest felt really good.

One thing always leads to another, in my mind anyway, and this line of thought lead me to consider the possible impact the early years would have had on my introverted self. I wouldn’t say those years were the cause but I can see how they would have  contributed.

Both families moved many times over the years and eventually ended up in the same town, that’s how they met. Dad was a friend of one of mom’s brothers. It’s ironic that they were both born in Alberta, Vegreville and Youngstown, if I remember right. It seems like the they unintentionally followed each other around a bit.

Secrets have been the trademark of both families so I am short on details and have to speculate about some things.

I suspect mom was still living at home when they started going out together but don’t know for sure, I assume dad wasn’t living at home but don’t know that for sure either, I think his parents moved back to the States somewhere in that time frame. Also, I have no idea what the length of their relationship would have been, but it must not have been too short for mom’s brother to have been part of the scene. I’ve always assumed, from the information we were given through the years, that they were married the year before I was born, recently we discovered this was incorrect, they were married 13 months after I was born.

Both grandparents were strong in their faith, at least the grandmothers were, dad’s family was Catholic….church attendance was very important, Mom’s family was Protestant…… her step father was the pastor. Religious differences were a big deal.

Back in the 40s conceiving a child out of wedlock was a major scandal, both inside and outside the church. This would have been a huge  blow to mom’s dad,  personally as a minister, and could have been the reason for his retirement, given church rules at the time. It could even have been a forced resignation made to look like a retirement.

The second scandal would have been living arrangements, for the duration of the pregnancy and the 13 months of my life before the wedding, putting 2 and 2 together with little bits of information given out over the years, I suspect they had no alternative but to live together.

One of the reasons I think this was the case,  with them trying to fly under the radar, was again, bits and pieces from mom’s stories about my birth. Wearing dad’s shirts as smocks. Taking herself to the hospital only to be told, come back in six months and maybe she would have something, (staying small would have been to go unnoticed). Then a few hours later giving birth to a 6 pound baby girl. Upset because the father of her child was out partying with her brother, when he should have been there with her.

I don’t know much about the wedding plans either except that one of dad’s sisters stood up with mom, and mom had a beautiful dress. They were married in the Catholic church after she promised the priest their children would be raised Catholic. In my experience dad was not a church goer so I’m guessing this was an empty promise. We weren’t brought up in either church.

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For religious reasons, this marriage was  unacceptable to both sides of the family, but with children involved what choice did they have.

During pregnancy and beyond, our home would have been filled with angst. Dad wasn’t ready for marriage or kids, his actions showed that, and it would be pretty safe to say  mom wasn’t ready either. My birth was not the happy occasion it would have been under normal circumstances. If babies hear while in the womb, and pick up on emotions, there would have been lots for me to hear and feel.

Apparently, the introvert in me surfaced early. There were stories. About how, as a baby, I didn’t warm up to dad and he wasn’t happy. About how I would cry if anyone looked at me when we were out in public. About how I wouldn’t go to  anyone.

Not such a great beginning, for any of us.

There were other things, besides the events of my birth, adding to my desire for invisibility, but we will save them for another tell-all chapter.

I’m sure other family members have heard stories over the years and could shed light on some things. I would love to hear your stories sometime.

Well, we need a few books now…to lighten things up a bit

The Amish Bishop Mysteries – What the Bishop Saw book 1 – Vannetta Chapman….. this was one of my favorite books this week…. the Bishop has a gift that is more of a burden than a blessing, tragic happenings prompt him to overcome his reluctance to use it, to help find answers.

The Sisters of Sugarcreek – Cathy Liggett ….. an elderly aunt dies leaving a knitting shop to her untalented niece, a fire destroys a church and a way of life for one charitable woman, the same fire kills a fireman leaving a widow without the skills to deal with her everyday life. Three ladies drawn together to form an unbreakable bond, each one having something the others need. I really liked this book of healing and restoration.

The Teacup Novellas – At Legends End book 4 – Diane Moody….. This was another favorite this week, I always enjoy Diane Moody’s books and this series was a favorite. A beautiful B&B, in an old house with tragedy in it’s past, the question on everyone’s mind…does the legend still hold true? I was happy that in spite of the Novella tag it seemed to be a regular length book.

An Offering: The Tale of Therese – Allison Pittman ….  this was a short, but good, story about a little girl and how life changed for her.

I have a string of unfinished books this time too, so they haven’t all been great, which only makes me appreciate the good ones even more 🙂

There are a lot of good books out there and I hope you are discovering them.

Until next time, Happy Reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Those of us who don’t believe in divorce…..should.

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I think, those of us who don’t believe in divorce should believe…. there is no accountability or consequence without the possibility of divorce.

It seems to me, in this world of no divorce, we live in a bubble outside of reality.  Our lives have to look perfect to prove we are real. We have to live behind masks to prove we are not phonies. Appearances matter and we become experts at keeping them up.

The truth of the matter is; not one of us is as perfect as our image leads others to believe.

We need to allow ourselves, and each other, to come out from behind our masks and let truth be known. It is possible to love God desperately but stumble and fall, get sick, go bankrupt, or have unruly kids. It is also possible to give the appearance of loving God, with a put together life, while not loving Him at all.

I think, we end up behind a mask because we are afraid of what people will think, we are afraid of being judged and ostracized, we put unfair pressure on ourselves and each other.

Sometimes our masks cover destructive behaviours;  some that affect our families, some that happen to our families. While all of us are good at keeping secrets, some of us keep secrets that would have us sent to jail in the real world. The wearing, and the acceptance, of masks makes it possible for this behaviour to continue unchecked.

Consequences may or may not cause the offender to change their behaviour but it would be worth a try.

I think God is sad when He sees divorce for frivolous reasons, but His heart is broken when He see abuse.

 

Married & Alone: a review, and a story

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Last week the book review was for Intimacy Anorexic, this week it is for Married & Alone, the companion book by Doug Weiss PhD. The truth of these books will turn your world upside down, as new understanding dawns.

Several posts ago, in regard to my life’s journey, I mentioned that although great strides had been made, there were still areas in my life needing answers. Many decades into the process, sadly, the end was not yet here.

No matter the number of contacts made, books read, or the time invested in understanding dynamics, things were still unclear for me.

One possible reason for his lack of interest in me; could he be gay? I entertained this possibility more than once through the years but was never convinced it could be true. Too many indicators to prove otherwise.

I knew he had thick, high walls of protection I’d never been allowed behind. He had  a passive way of deflecting so the walls were not a blatant issue. He had a passive/dismissive way about most things, which meant it was hard to grasp hold of what was really going on. It was hard to get an exploratory discussion going because it was like smoke and mirrors, it isn’t solid so how can it be discussed.

I knew for sure there was no connection between us, living with him was beyond lonely.

Occasionally, other questions cropped up. Like, why is there a sense of competition between us, why would he feel threatened by me, even though I make sure to stay away from those areas he claims as his.

Or, why would he throw me under the bus, in front of other people, wasn’t he supposed to be my protector? If he loved me, wouldn’t he stand up for me?

I was frustrated because we were pretending to have this perfect happy marriage.

I was frustrated because of the deep inexplicable pain no one, including me, seemed to understand.

Eventually, I heard about this book, Married & Alone, and I thought, THAT’S ME.

I wish I had read it when I first heard about it but things sometimes happen only when the time is right. Reading the book now has filled in the blanks and answered  the questions.

Here are some of the treasures found in this book:

  • Clear definitions of  the Intimacy Anorexic and the effect on the spouse of such a person.

It is validating to know I’m not crazy, it isn’t my imagination, it isn’t my fault, and, I couldn’t fix any of it – no matter how hard I would try.

  • Clear descriptions of what the recovery process should look like, and what it looks like if it isn’t happening.

Believe actions, not words. Know the signs to show actions are happening.

  • Clear information regarding credentials and qualifications of professional help, and questions to ask in determining your needs.

I’ve never seen this information laid out as clearly and concisely. This section alone makes the book worthwhile.

  • Clearly shows the path from discovery point to the end question,  what now – stay or leave?

Rather than offer opinions or directions, Dr. Weiss offers questions to ask and truths to consider. His purpose is to help guide us through the murky and confusing world that is our life, helping us come to a place of understanding. With understanding, we have the tools to make a decision about the right course of action for our unique situation.

For me; it was wonderful to get to the end of the book and realize that, with God’s help, I had done everything Dr. Weiss laid out as steps toward healing. I had no previous idea about any of this but earnestly prayed for wisdom and direction, then when things occurred to me, and seemed logical, I did them.  Therapists, books, and knowledge, may not always be available to you, even then, help is still available from the One who never leaves us or forsakes us, the One who can teach us, and guide us to all the help we need.

I now have a clear picture of what was going on, I know everything that could be done has been done. There is a feeling of closure as this part of my healing journey is finally complete.

I hope you will read both books, the understanding gained will change your life and the lives of those around you.

The take away in regard to recovery: no more secrets; and each one must be willing to do the hard work.

These, and other helpful books, can be found at dougweiss.com or on Amazon

There is also a dedicated site   intimacyanorexia.com

There will be more posts in regard to this subject, I feel sure. The last step in the twelve step program charges us with the responsibility of helping others reach this place in the journey. Everyone needs someone to come alongside. We don’t journey alone, we are in this together.

 

 

 

 

 

Intimacy Anorexia: a review

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Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage by Douglas Weiss PHD.

Up until recently I knew of this book only by quotes I’d read. They were helpful but for some reason I never did read the whole book. Now I am wishing I had, much sooner.   Questions that have plagued me for years, and questions I hadn’t thought to ask, have been answered. At the start of the book I had questions in mind about one relationship, at the end, there were answers about 4 or 5 relationships.

Pondering  my new discoveries, I realize; this is not a new dilemma in families and relationships. This is an ancient generational issue.

In the introduction, Dr. Weiss mentions how he and his colleagues began to notice, in their practices of treating sex addicts, a type of client they couldn’t clinically explain.

This person, usually but not always, a male, was addicted to sex but was not having sex with his spouse.

Eventually, Dr. Weiss and his colleagues realized this practise had more to do with avoiding intimacy than it had to do with avoiding sex.

In case you think this is something that couldn’t be affecting you, Dr. Weiss mentions 25% and higher, as the number of people living with this.

You might be wondering, too, how this situation could fit so many relationships in my life. It turns out, avoidance of emotional intimacy affects not just the spouse but the whole family, in varying degrees.

Most statistics are based on information gathered. Many of us keep the family secrets,  what would stats be like if we didn’t?

In this book, the author will give a definition, characteristics, causes, patterns and strategies, and much more. This information will be helpful to both the addict and the spouse. There is also a companion workbook with exercises and a twelve step program to help with recovery.

If you read the book and need more help than it provides, they have phone in counselling sessions that can arranged. They also have three day, intensives, on site at their counselling center.

As Dr. Weiss says, their goal is to promote healing of this unique addiction process that is devastating so many marriages.

This book, and many of his other books, can be found on Amazon.com  Amazon.ca and probably other Amazon sites as well.

Books can also be ordered directly from his website  drdougweiss.com

A companion book to Intimacy Anorexia is Married and Alone and focuses on the spouse. I hope to read it soon and post another review.

If any of this strikes a chord in your heart and mind, I hope you will pursue this information more quickly than I have.

Also, if anyone wants to talk about this, the best place is probably on my Facebook page Janette McCormack-Blogger. Either a comment or a message. Keep in mind though, it is a public site.

May you find needed healing, and blessings, in these resources.

 

 

 

Lyrics with something to say

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Well, Facebook is off to a good start, I think, 4 of my friends have signed up as followers and have given some glowing reviews , so I am encouraged. It’s hard to decide where to spend my time, I have great ideas for both here and there.

In regard to content, I’ve decided to go with what my inner voice is telling me to write/post, which is a little conflicting sometimes because I know not everyone likes the things I do, like Southern Gospel Music for example. I have this inner need to please, that’s where the conflict comes in, it’s impossible to please everyone, and when you try, you please no one, so, without apology, I think I will go with whatever my heart is wanting to say and trust it will be the right thing for the moment.

There have been some songs playing nonstop in my head the last couple of days and I have shared them on Facebook. Like I said, I know not everyone gets excited about Southern Gospel Music, and to be honest it is not my favorite genre of music either, having said that though, I can’t name a favorite, because I like things from every genre… except Rap, I am not a fan of Rap.

The thing I love so much about Southern Gospel is, the lyrics, they are real and deep, touching my heart in ways I cannot put words to. Specifically, I like all things Gaither, Bill and Gloria Gaither have such an upbeat way of expressing deep truths. My kids mock me for my Gaither collection, well over 100 of his videos, videos I have played non stop, for days sometimes, letting the melodies take the lyrics way down deep in my soul and spirit. Donnie McGuire,  http://www.rambomcguire.com , a prolific producer/songwriter, says music has a way of changing us when it has a chance to work it’s way inside, he is right. These songs have been with me in the dark valleys, and they have been with me on the mountain tops. These songs have kept me sane, and in a good place.

I’m hoping that some of you will listen to the songs shared, enough times that they settle in your spirit, to make a difference, changing you in positive healthy ways. And I hope listening to well written songs will inspire you to produce your own well written songs, songs that will settle in someone’s spirit to make a difference.

Well, this post didn’t go the way I envisioned at the start, but that’s okay. This actually started out as an update, and an invite to check out Facebook , Janette McCormack-Blogger. I hope you will visit, on an ongoing basis, because I plan to share more well written songs over there every week.

Wishing you all a great day, filled with music.

More books on the next post.

Now on Facebook too

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I’ve just started a Facebook page, Janette McCormack-Blogger , that’s the big news for today. There’s not much there yet but at least it is started and I will work on filling it out.

If you like to follow on Facebook I look forward to seeing you there.

This week has been a time of heavy thinking and I’ve needed a little distraction; some of these books have done it for me,  a couple of lighter reads along with.. a not so light read.

It has been a good week for downloads too. Some weeks are slimmer than others so a week with lots of good choices feels like Christmas!

Books Read

A Bradford Sisters Novella  – Then Came You – Becky Wade

Modern Conveniences Series – Lost in Love book 3 – Leah Atwood

The Mystery: Finding True Love in a World of Broken Lovers – Lacey Sturm…..  this is non-fiction, the poignant story of  a life of struggle.

Christmas Mysteries Book Series – Christmas Mystery – James Kipling

New pages added to this blog

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More new books at the end!

I’ve created some  new pages as a place to list books read. It’s great to list them at the bottom of each post so we can easily identity what’s new, but afterwards, they kind of get lost. Maybe a separate page would be a good way to find them again. We’ll give it a try.

The new pages are Romance….. Mystery/Thriller……. and.. Other Genres.

Other Genres is pretty much a mixed bag. If ever another category clearly shows up in this list, it can have it’s own page.

Mystery/Thriller has been published for you, the other two are still under construction.

If you find these pages helpful or interesting, leave a comment and let me know. Feedback would be useful I think.

Books read this week  –  all of them good reads

Unwritten: A Novel – Charles Martin……… as always, this novel is intensely real and engrossing, and, as always with his books, once started I couldn’t stop. I am putting this book under romance because it fits better than in mystery but it’s really not a romance. It’s about people facing life, trying to find a way to live through it.

One Last Summer – Jo Noelle…….. a short romance

The Seventh Sergeant (Three Rivers Ranch Romance Book 6)  – Liz Isaacson and Elena Johnson …… I think I’ve read most of the previous ones, this was a good story.

The Hideway – Lauren Denton ….. a romance centered around a group of unusual characters, mixed with family secrets.

Black & Blue (Lord and Lady Hetheridge Mystery Series Book 4) – Emma Jameson ….. I’ve read other book in this series and enjoyed them all.

Finding Courage (Love’s Compass Book 3) – Melanie D Snitker ……. a romance faced with intense family issues, will they survive?

Her Mother’s Hope (Marta’s Legacy Book 1) – Francine Rivers …… we grow up in difficult circumstances and run away to flee that kind of life, but in the end, have we really left it behind? or does history repeat itself anyway?

Sometimes life shapes your likes and dislikes

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It’s true, at least it is for me anyway, my likes and dislikes have been shaped by  circumstances of my life.

My mind has been busy, over this last week,  thinking about the ways books and music have fit into my life, thinking about the impact they’ve had, and why there even needed to be an impact.

I can remember liking this song well enough as a young girl to be able to pick it out by ear on mom’s piano

(There’s A) Bluebird on Your Windowsill
Doris Day

There’s a bluebird
There’s a bluebird on your windowsill
There’s a rainbow in your sky
There are happy thoughts, your heart to fill
Near enough to make you cry
There he is.
And with every tear you’ve washed away
All the things you’ve kept inside
You count your joys this lovely day
And you wonder why you cried
The melody was cheerful, maybe that’s why I liked it, or maybe it was because it mentioned tears and I latched on to that. I wanted to be done with tears.
The song says “you wonder why you cried”  but I doubt I caught the meaning of that phrase. I did have reason to cry, lots of reason, not that I can recall ever forming any of it into conscious thought in those days, but my subconscious knew and was looking for hope.
Books and music were favorites of my mother and watching her they became mine too. These favorites did many things for me, but most importantly – they were a safe place to land, they helped me forget, for a time, that I had reason to cry.
As I’ve been thinking, and blogging, about these current day passions it occurs to me that readers may have a different frame of reference when they read my words. Their expectations may be different. They may be looking for an intellectual discussion of music appreciation or examples of an impressive performance. They would be disappointed if this is true because while I love music my frame of reference is quite different. I go for the love of music rather than the knowledge of it. I like to live inside the music, where there is healing. The emotional experience is most important to me.
My criteria for great music is possibly different too. Melody is important but the lyric is more so. It must have something life changing and relevant to say. The goal must be to impact rather than impress. Likewise, with the performer, if their goal is to impress, there won’t be impact.
My kids will testify to my love of impact over impression, we had a tape once, of a Southern Gospel group, their talent and musical proficiency was lacking but their hearts shone through in spades. I loved that tape. My kids…….not so much. I guess their hearts didn’t need the message of those songs like mine did. Having said that, I do appreciate musicians who excel at their craft and I promise not to post anything in my music blog that isn’t excellent. musictonourishmysoul.blogspot.com
There is nothing wrong with the intellectual point of view for music enjoyment, it’s just not where I am at, and it helps the reader to revise their expectations if they know where I’m coming from.
The circumstances of my life, the mountains and the valleys, have created the need for music to there for me, keeping me sane, giving me comfort and hope, crying with me, connecting me to the Heavenlies and the One who can truly be there for me, helping me rise above it all, to live a fruitful and overcoming life.
I think music is a gift from God, the language of heaven, a universal language- not needing interpretation. What a gift!
I hope you will find your needs met in the blessing of music too, if you haven’t discovered this blessing already.

A couple of books to impact my life this week

Sharing Jesus (Seeing Jesus book 3) – Jeffrey McClain Jones
I’ve read books 1 & 2 in the last few months, as well. In each of them Jesus becomes visible to the main characters and lives with them for a few days. Actually he always lives with them, he just isn’t visible the rest of the time. It was a deeply moving experience for me, reading these stories of how they lives were changed. I know God is always with me, I talk to him about everything in my life, it was an affirmation of many things, hearing someone else relate to him on such a personal level. As always, reading these stories reveals some things to me, about me, too, and that’s a good thing.
Check out this book if you can relate to, or desire such a connection. I can’t say any of us would ever experience a visible Jesus but this story can encourage us toward recognizing the invisible Jesus more often.

I started a new blog the other day…

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I have more than one passion I wish to share with the world and, so far, it has been an interesting but unproductive time trying to figure out how to make it work the way I visualize.

It seems to me these passions would be most effective if they were kept somewhat  separate, like food on certain people’s plates – not touching. It may be possible, on this site, to do what I have in mind, I won’t declare it isn’t, maybe I just need to learn more about the technical side of blogging to find there is a way it could be done. But so far it isn’t happening for me.

Another option just sort of jumped out at me a couple of days ago, I went with it and started a whole new blog. We will give it a try to see how it goes. Not everything in life is cast in stone, in my opinion, so changes can always be made later if it doesn’t go as smoothly as hoped.

My parallel passion to reading, is music. Two passions that have been with me pretty much my whole life, keeping me sane and happy, through thick and thin.

There are many days a song plays in my mind and I wish I could share it, as encouragement to someone who could use a glimmer of hope. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have to throw some songs out there if I want a chance to encourage.

The other day I heard a song and wanted to share it here but the only blog option I could see for sharing looked to be on Blogger……. hence the new blog. musictonourishmysoul.blogspot.com   …………….. posting as “music lover”

I will keep the discussion of music, and genres enjoyed, confined to the new blog.

If you are booklover reading this blog and you love music too, drop by for some encouragement, and maybe even a little fun now and then.  I hope to post more frequently, songs aren’t as time consuming as books, and posts will add up more quickly.

Books won’t be taking a back seat to music anytime soon, there is no threat of that!

Several books  are ready….with more on their way.

Any book listed here was read and enjoyed…… just saying!

Drowning For Rainbows – Kristoff Chimes …..   impossible situations threaten the tenuous peace in Bosnia. Follow a police chief, a peace keeping doctor, and a young couple from both sides of the conflict, as they struggle to stay alive.

Any Blooming Thing – Marisa Logan….. a romance ,  these two books were downloaded from InstaFreebie. it is working out better for me than I at first thought. Give it a try if you are looking for more free stuff

 

Instafreebie and Autism

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*there is a list of books at the bottom of every post*  

A friend told me about a new site called Instafreebie. I am all over freebies so I’ve signed up and downloaded a few things. It hasn’t gone all that smoothly, compared to BookBub. There are more steps to be taken, there’s a bigger learning curve, and sometimes the authors require the reader to sign up for a newsletter first.

It’s unclear, at this point anyway, what the quality of the books will be, I expect the standard could be lower than usual for inclusion in the list and they may all be self published, which may or may not mean anything.

I think I will give it a whirl, to see if it’s worth the extra effort. Many of the books seem to be a little on the fringe, but that could just be my first impression. There could be some real gems in there……. I’ll let you know how it goes.

One of the books to come my way this week is on Austism and is written by a doctor as a story which helps demonstrate concepts she wants to get across. I don’t know enough about this subject to be a good judge of information being presented but this book  seemed to make sense to me. And since we need to spread all the knowledge possible on this subject I hope you will give this book a try. I think these concepts will give the general public a better understanding if they should happen to meet up with an autistic person; knowledge and understanding is always a good thing.

Books

Candyfloss Guitar  (The Reluctant Pilgrim book 1) – Stephen Marriot…….. he describes this book as the story of a modern day pilgrim taking the first steps on a journey of discovery. Stephen Marriot is a British author inspired by travel and walking the roads less travelled. This was on Instafreebie, and I liked it a lot.

Two Tocks Before Midnight – Clay Boutwell ….. a historical mystery from Instafreebie, a unique and enjoyable mystery. A scholarly club of men with strict rules for their members, and a puzzle to solve.

Autism Goes to School – Book 1 of the School Daze Series – Dr. Sharon A Mitchell…... A single dad facing many challenges……not only is his five year old son an autistic child he has never met, he knows nothing about being a dad and is totally on his own with this, at first anyway.

A Discovery of Hope (A Coming Home Again Novel Book 3) – T. I. Lowe….. another fresh take on life, an engrossing story.

A Fresh Start – Trisha Grace……. Paige leaves everything she knows to get away from something threatening. The theme sounds very familiar but it didn’t feel like I was reading the same book, again. Enjoyed this story.

As always, look these books up on Amazon, or other sites you may know of, for a fuller description, to help give you inspiration. That’s how I get my mine.

Happy reading!