encouragement

A Podcast and a book January 12, 2022

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Twice, back to back. I couldn’t help but watch it again. Donald Miller has an awesome way of expressing himself. It makes you want to hear more. That’s why I went for the second listen. After that it was time to check out his many popular books.

Books were discussed in the podcast but the overriding theme (I felt) was his current business. He coaches entrepreneurs needing help to improve and grow their business. In the course of the conversation he handed out great tips. It was worth listening just for that.

His latest book is Business Made Simple. His second last book is Hero on a Mission: a Path to a Meaningful Life. They both looked interesting but the book conversation that intrigued me most was a book called Blue Like Jazz. That’s the one I ended up with and I’m excited to read it.

Here are the three books

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This is tonight’s podcast. Donald Miller is a fascinating and relatable man. He is down-to-earth, real, with a gift for clear communication.

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I had to share. I hope you find this as fascinating as I did.

Current read and two new interesting books January 09, 2022

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Last week I mentioned a book written by a psychotherapist interviewed on a podcast I came across. I think I shared it here, I need to check that out to be sure. Anyway, I’m reading her book and it is like taking medicine mixed with delicious honey. The authors aim was to provide help to those of us who might not be inclined (for whatever reason) to visit a therapist but dish it up as a story to make sure we would read it. I have to say she is doing a masterful job. I’m almost finished the first third of the book and it is not easy to put down.

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER!

Now being developed as a television series with Eva Longoria and ABC!

“Rarely have I read a book that challenged me to see myself in an entirely new light, and was at the same time laugh-out-loud funny and utterly absorbing.”—Katie Couric

“This is a daring, delightful, and transformative book.”—Arianna Huffington, Founder, Huffington Post and Founder & CEO, Thrive Global

“Wise, warm, smart, and funny. You must read this book.”—Susan Cain, New York Times best-selling author of Quiet

From a New York Times best-selling author, psychotherapist, and national advice columnist, a hilarious, thought-provoking, and surprising new book that takes us behind the scenes of a therapist’s world—where her patients are looking for answers (and so is she).

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Last week I shared a new book written by a member of our monthly writer’s group. I’m going to share it again along with the new book of a second member of our group. I do own both books and haven’t gotten to them yet but I’m excited about the prospect. We have been exposed regularly to the excellent writings of these gentlemen and they are well worth reading.

They have different styles, unique imaginations and they leave us wanting more.

Fire and Iron: Stories of Fidelity, Infidelity and Daring Commitment

Broken promises, ulterior motives, revenge and deceit; Ten stories detailing relationships some broken, and some redemptive, all recognizing human frailty.

Short stories for adults with stories for men, women, and youth including short love stories that make you cry.

Each story is followed by book club discussion questions to prompt reflection of the story and personal experiences. This short story collection is both suitable for the Christian book club and general adult book clubs.

Inspirational short stories of relationships.
Excerpts from the stories:
She attempted to grasp his hand, their fingers touched, but then his hand was gone. (Fire and Iron)

Emma reached out to collect her books. She hesitated when she saw Keara crouching in front as if to help. To her dismay, Keara only whispered, “You know you’re not my friend anymore.” (The River)

Rand Gavell’s moral fiber is put to the test. His injured wife lies comatose in a care home while an attractive, single real-estate agent suggests an alternative lifestyle. (A Touch of Salt)

The title, Fire and Iron, suggests the stories are of individuals tempered by the fires of hurt, strengthened by the pain and helped by the kindness of another.

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Stealth by Robert Stermscheg

1944. American bomber pilot, Jack Swaggart, has led his squadron countless times into hostile German territory, hit the assigned target, and returned to base none the worse for wear.

Eventually, Jack’s luck runs out. With his B-26 Marauder heavily damaged by flak, Jack is forced to ditch his crippled airplane in the German countryside.

Separated from his crew, Jack trusts an unlikely ally, Hilde Augsburg, a plucky young woman, a decision with icy catapults them into an adventure neither could have envisioned. Coincidentally, they spot a new type of German warplane in flight–a design unlike anything they’ve ever seen before.

In that moment, Jack realizes that the Nazis have developed a formidable new bomber, one that could dramatically alter the course of the war. In the blink of an eye, Jack’s mission shifts from survival to thwarting the Germans, just when the Allies are on the verge of triumph.

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All three of these authors are well worth the read. I think you will enjoy them as much as I do.

Happy Reading!

PTSD and abuse. How do you know for sure? January 09, 2022

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Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

If you can’t remember how do you know it happened? You could be wrong.

I can see how, lacking memories, skeptics might question my claims of child abuse.

I’ve been thinking about this more intensely this weekend. It’s not that I haven’t spent time with it before. I have… decades in fact. Just not intensely.

This is the first time I’ve managed to lay it all out in order.

Just because my mind has refused to remember extreme pain, that doesn’t mean I have no memories of the rest of my life.

As a child, I remember poverty, insecurity and instability with a self-employed father full of brilliant ideas that didn’t always pan out. Highly sociable parents who loved to party and run with the fast crowd. An alcoholic father who was not always a nice, or faithful man. Dad was never alone much either.

Once the line has been crossed from inactive to active it can never be uncrossed. My conscious mind may refuse to remember the painful violations but my body remembers. Going forward, my unconscious thought patterns, reactions, and expectations were shaped by childhood experiences. As a teen, looking back, I recognize thought patterns that could only come from experience. With nothing to compare to, how could I know an inexperienced teen wouldn’t know what I knew. My naivete was in thinking I went in to marriage as a novice.

The most compelling indicator of abuse, though, was triggers.

For many decades, involuntarily, I refused to question anything. Thought patterns, reactions, hints, not even consideration of the to-question-or-not-to question dilemma, none of it. Subconsciously I knew I wouldn’t like the answers inspection would bring and my mind steadfastly refused to go there.

It was many decades before I gave triggers much thought. They were just a normal part of life. That is how it often is for the abused. Only when we see how others live do we recognize that what we live with is abnormal.

In the beginning most triggers seemed to be related to men. They range from a quick shut down, to knee-jerk reactions, to panic attacks. After years of examining root causes and then dealing with them, there were changes. Or, maybe it was whatever was next-in-line showing up.

The most recent episodes have taken me by surprise. With dysfunctional family dynamics there were multiple levels of abuse, much of it emotional. These lessor? triggers are taking their turn at gaining attention.

Reactions provide compelling evidence of abuse but the final nail in solidifying the idea was my brother insisting I admit it happened.

If there is any lingering doubt acesaware.org (Adverse Childhood Experiences) has extensive questionnaires offering insight. They name the minimum number of boxes it takes to assess probability. I passed the exam with flying colors. More than the required number of boxes checked off.

One of their areas of discussion is health issues. Aggravated by unaddressed abuse trauma. Two areas show up for me. Digestive and autoimmune. They have become more pronounced with each passing year.

A selfie standing on the kitchen floor.

This has been going on for more than ten years. I have a specialist appointment in a few weeks but it doesn’t look like there is any cure. This doesn’t surprise me. I’ve had skin issues most of my life, if it leaves one area it pops up in another. Why fight it?

There is no room left for doubt about what happened to me.

One more note: the As a child, .. paragraph above provided ample reasons for the checked off boxes on one of the questionnaire pages.

If you suspect you may be a victim check out acesaware.org , it is sponsored by California health and has a wealth of information and helpful tools available to everyone.

I hope this made sense.

A watched and enjoyed podcast January 08, 2022

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This man may not be your cup of tea but I loved this interview and want to watch it again soon. Rick Warren has been the founding pastor of a mega church in southern California for forty-two years. He is an author of many books but probably his most well known book is The Purpose Driven Church.

The reason this interview struck a chord with me was his heart. He acknowledges his accomplishments with a humble spirit. He has his head on straight about many things and has a high quotient in emotional maturity. There are so many positive things to be said about his leadership and the interview demonstrates many of those characteristics for us.

If you are interested in someone like this I know you will enjoy this interview. The other cool thing about it is the very beginning where we are introduced to an amazing library museum. He is an avid collector and has made it into Guinness World Book of Records several times. His museum is amazing and worth the look even if you don’t watch the rest of the interview.

Rick Warren has tendered his resignation at Saddleback Church, he plans to retire and pass leadership off to someone else. The retirement discussion is part of the interview. It will be interesting to see what he tackles next.

Carey Nieuwhof has a gift for asking good questions and drawing interesting relatable content out of his guests.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Why relationships fail and what to do about it. January 04, 2022

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Do you ever wonder if as a traumatized person you could break the dysfunctional cycle and connect with a healthy person. I’ve wondered, many times.

I found this podcast had so much hope and inspiration to share. There was a wealth of helpful information and advice on how to become a healthier person, equipped to recognize old patterns and ways to avoid them.

Pitfalls in partnering with a healthy person were also addressed. We gravitate to the familiar. To the abused and traumatized, dysfunctional is familiar. Healthy is not. It would be easy to reject the unfamiliar to our own detriment.

Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb has written a popular book called Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

I am teetering on the brink of buying her book.

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

One day, Lori Gottlieb is a therapist who helps patients in her Los Angeles practice. The next, a crisis causes her world to come crashing down. Enter Wendell, the quirky but seasoned therapist in whose of­fice she suddenly lands. With his balding head, cardigan, and khakis, he seems to have come straight from Therapist Central Casting. Yet he will turn out to be anything but.
 
As Gottlieb explores the inner chambers of her patients’ lives — a self-absorbed Hollywood producer, a young newlywed diagnosed with a terminal illness, a senior citizen threatening to end her life on her birthday if nothing gets better, and a twenty-something who can’t stop hooking up with the wrong guys — she finds that the questions they are struggling with are the very ones she is now bringing to Wendell.
 
With startling wisdom and humor, Gottlieb invites us into her world as both clinician and patient, examining the truths and fictions we tell ourselves and others as we teeter on the tightrope between love and desire, meaning and mortality, guilt and redemption, terror and courage, hope and change.
 
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is rev­olutionary in its candor, offering a deeply per­sonal yet universal tour of our hearts and minds and providing the rarest of gifts: a boldly reveal­ing portrait of what it means to be human, and a disarmingly funny and illuminating account of our own mysterious lives and our power to transform them.

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For me, another take-away from the podcast was an unexpected point of view on narcissism.

I’ve decided on the book. I’m going to enjoy it if it’s anything like the podcast and I think it will be.

Happy Viewing and Reading

Have you experienced trauma? January 03, 2022

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How can you know? One in four women and one in six men have experienced trauma/abuse with many of them not recognizing that they have. Even more recognize the abuse but have not acknowledged or shared it.

Unaddressed trauma is often the root cause beneath many health issues. Heart disease, auto immune disorders being the most common.

Yesterday I discovered a popular podcast dedicated to helping people live better lives and I enjoyed it enough to subscribe. Today’s interview is with an experienced psychiatrist and author of a new book on the subject of trauma, and it deals with today’s question.

I’m sharing this because helpful resources are so important in our healing journey.

I hope you find this as helpful as I did.

We can never see too many of these podcasts. We need to hear this information over and over again. Partly because we are in a different place with each step forward and we are able to take it in in a way we couldn’t on an earlier step.

And, we need to hear the information again because it reinforces earlier hearings and eventually is able to take dominance over the negative narrative we’ve lived with forever.

Happy Viewing!

This and that November 29, 2021

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At this moment, I have to share the encouragement I’m needing and enjoying tonight.

This last week has been busy with house guests. I’ve loved having them. Now I’m going through withdrawal being alone again, although in spite of it I’m feeling upbeat. At the same time I’m experiencing annoying physical evidence of the stress of it all. It feels weird because I have been happy having people around. To have itching skin rashes and aches and pains that only appear when I’m stressed just seems so wrong when I’m feeling good about life.

To help me get through this season I discovered a new music video in my feed, it has favorite lyrics that settle me. It’s actually a compilation of several videos I’ve owned for some time. This is very cool because I know all of the songs so well. It adds an extra dimension to my emotional settling when I can close my eyes and sing along. The words slide deep down into my heart and bring healing.

The theme of the video is Thanksgiving, what could be more uplifting than that? I’ll share it at the end of this post.

The other cool thing that happened today was the experience of tackling a task I’ve been dreading. In the end it turned out to be a positive part of my day.

The challenge was to write a piece for reading and critique at our writer’s group this coming Saturday. The theme was to be Christmas memories. The trouble is, there are not many good memories coming out of my childhood. I couldn’t imagine how I could find enough material to write something with any sort of a positive vibe.

It turned out so much better than I could have imagined and I felt upbeat and grateful having such a good writing experience. After it has been critiqued I will share it with you all.

Here is the video I’m listening to as I write this. It features a wide variety of favorite and talented award winning artists.

Life is looking up and I’m grateful.

Now I’m going to grab supper while this video finishes.

A good evening to you all. I hope you are experiencing some bright spots as well.

Enjoyed, current, and possible next, November 28, 2021

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Enjoyed and current read are both in the same series.

Not Until Forever: A Christian Romance (Hope Springs Book 1)

As she focuses on her career, Sophie doesn’t let herself think about what she gave up when she declined Spencer’s proposal five years ago. So when she’s called home to say goodbye to her dying grandmother, she goes out of her way to avoid seeing him. Of course, that means he’s the first person she runs into. Much as she fights against it, being near him stirs up old feelings and makes her question old decisions.

Leaving college to help on the family orchard cost Spencer the woman he loved. But he couldn’t turn his back on his family. Now that Sophie’s back in town, Spencer’s determined to protect his heart. Only he senses something new in Sophie—something that makes him think maybe they could have a second chance. But when his family needs him again, he feels like he’s repeating the past. Only this time, he’s not sure what choice he should make.

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Book one was a pleasurable read and I am looking forward to more enjoyment as I finish Book 5. Those in between these two have been previously read and enjoyed.

Not Until Christmas Morning: A Christian Romance (Hope Springs Book 5)

Leah has always been a fixer. That’s why she decided to foster a troubled teen. And it’s why she’s determined to give him the perfect Christmas. It might also be why she feels compelled to reach out to her grinchy, reclusive neighbor Austin. But she’ll have to be careful that reaching out doesn’t turn into something more—she’s been hurt by crossing the line from friendship to romance once, and she’s not willing to let it happen again.

After losing his leg, his friend, and his faith in Afghanistan, Austin figures he’s about as broken as they come. Hope Springs is simply a stopping point—a place to rehabilitate his leg, get over the burden of his PTSD, and get back into shape to redeploy. He has no desire to get to know anyone while he’s here, least of all the meddlesome—if sweet—woman next door. But when she calls on him to help her make Christmas special for her foster son, something compels him to relent. Soon, his heart belongs to both of them.

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Under consideration for next in line, there are two.

Non fiction – Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition.

Fiction – The Bridge

Final notes on Love Like You`ve Never Been Hurt November 28, 2021

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Chapter Six is about Loving-Kindness.

To catch the full impact of the chapter you need to read the book. My notes are never comprehensive, they are short quotes that capture the essence of a thought standing out to me. Something that grabs my heart.

Page 102

If you want to love like you`ve never been hurt, get rid of bitterness and start being kind.

Being kind means treating people with respect, apologizing sincerely, and stop criticizing. Doing this all the time.

Page 162

Forgiveness is important in loving but the other side of it is “I`m sorry.“

If you want to reconcile a relationship, you must be willing to say “I`m sorry.“

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This book has many good things to say to us, they are just not always on topic. That`s why skimming to the end for the sake of the topic seems like a good idea for now.

I`ll share a few of the relevant thoughts outlined on Page 226

Key Principles Designed to Help You Love.

  • Love never fails. Choose love over hurt.
  • It`s never wrong to love people who have messed up.
  • It`s unforgivable to not forgive.
  • We can begin to love others when we love ourselves.
  • We are called to be kind.
  • Instead of fanning the flames of discord become a peacemaker.

And a little more.

Page 228

Offenses are inevitable. No one is exempt.

Some of us look at opposition as a bad thing.

Opposition can cause you to face things and do things you could not have done, had you not had the opposition.

Bottom line.

Never give up.

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That is the end of this book.

As mentioned earlier, many helpful things were shared in this book and it has been a good read even though it strayed off topic a fair bit. It was written by a pastor with real life experiences not a psychologist so that explains why the perspective is different.

I enjoyed this exercise of sharing a non-fiction book with you.

There are still a number of unread books similar to this on my shelf and I`m planning to choose another one to continue on with this experiment.

It gives me the extra incentive needed to get with it and read instead of allowing them to sit and pile up.

My hope is that you will also find these books helpful as you travel on your personal healing journey.

P.S. as I read back over this post I`m reminded of a book I read years ago.

The flavor of this post is all about changes within us. This thought is reminding me of a book called Lord Change Me.

Really, in the end the only person we can change is ourselves. I know it sounds unfair but it is reality. Changes have to come from inside us, external pressures accomplish little most of the time. We cannot force someone else to want to change

Changing ourselves, especially in the areas of forgiving and loving, has a positive effect on the atmosphere of a relationship. Change begets change.

It pays to embrace change for ourselves.

Notes on Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt Nov 21, 2021

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Last time we ended just before the topic… Changing the channel on our invasive words and thoughts.

Page 92:

There are a number of components and I will highlight a few that stand out to me. There is so much more to be said, reading the book would be helpful.

...how you can start: Change what you tell yourself. … Talk back to your inner critic.

The most important battles we fight, many times, happen internally.

The past can be healed in only one way: Forgive it. That is the one thing you can do for yourself that can change all of your tomorrows.

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Page 93 – 96

I’m going to deviate from the book here. The author is dealing with shame in this section and uses the example of the Prodigal Son in the Bible. He tells how the father, with love, received his son back home. Despite his “bad boy” lifestyle, wasting his inheritance, and returning home in disgrace.

The father is a picture of the way God loves us and receives us no matter what we’ve done or what has been done to us.

I’m deviating from the book, though, because I think it’s important for us to understand the difference between shame and guilt. The information I’m about to share I’ve seen expressed in many places over the years, but for today’s purpose I found it laid out on verywellmind.com under living with BPD.

I’m paraphrasing here for space sake.

Guilt is the feeling you have related to things you have done. With guilt you can take steps to make things right and move on.

Shame is the feeling you have related to you are, or who you’ve been led to believe you are, your whole self not just an event. Shame it is not as easily dealt with because there is nothing you can do to make restitution. It’s about who you are, not something you’ve done.

There is an excellent ten minute podcast on their website discussing the shame we have been hiding and the link is posted below.

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-verywell-mind-podcast-5113058

The important take away from the podcast was this: there are two things shame cannot survive. One is exposure, tell someone. The second is empathy, tell someone who understands and is supportive.

It’s very important to find the right person to confide your secrets.

If shame is an issue for you, and it is for those of us who have survived an abusive life, this is highly helpful information.

So, back to the book. Check it out for the larger conversation.

I’m not sure what’s next but we will find out.