Browsing paid off with a FREE book from an newly acquired friend. This will be the third book we’ve read from this author.
Lakehouse Promises (Laurel Cove Series Book 1)
Carolina Johnson had the life everyone wanted. A solid marriage of twenty years. A gorgeous house in the most desirable neighborhood. Friends at the country club. Yet, somehow, she always felt the other shoe would drop.
And drop it did! When she discovered her husband’s affair with a girl half his age. Even more devastating, she’s pregnant.
Now divorced, she has to start over in a lake house with too many issues to list, a neighbor who doesn’t like her and zero friends. To make matters worse, her outrageously rude former mother-in-law shows up and expects to spend a few days.
At forty years of age, Carolina has to start her life over from scratch and draw on the last vestiges of strength she has to make a life for herself.
A new life, new problems, and new relationships…can Carolina find out what matters the most in life and discover what true love really looks like? Or will she refuse to let go of the past and the bitterness that threatens to steal her happiness?
This women’s divorce fiction book will have you rooting for the heroine and everything she has to overcome.
**********************
I think I might toss aside my current new read in favor of this one. Afterall, there’s no law saying I can’t do it. I will promise to finish the abandoned book next. Unless something else catches my attention. Hmmm. Maybe I will promise to finish the rejected book soon, that should be doable.
Simon Sinek: Opens Up About His Struggle With Loneliness, Love & Dating!
You Tube Podcast on: The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett
This has been an amazing, timely, and moving experience. One that will impact me for years to come, I think. The conversation was deeply emotional, and insightful. I know it seems like I’ve gone overboard with the adjectives but even these feel inadequate to describe the experience. Maybe the reverberating impact is because I was so ready to hear it.
On Sunday, with family, there was what looked to me like a spontaneous time of deep consideration of where I am at in my healing journey and what kind of help I should be looking for to go deeper. (It may have been planned but I can’t be sure about that.) Anyway, I know they love me and have my best interests at heart. I love them for it, and I will admit the time with them has been helpful in pushing me in a new direction. They set me up to be ready to hear.
Therapy is not something that has ever worked out for me, for a multitude of reasons. I think part of the reason may be that my mind’s processing method is more like that of a slow cooker rather than that of a micro wave, or even a regular stove. Books and conversations like this interview seem to speak into my life in way nothing else can. Probably because they are a good fit with meditation.
With the discovery of this podcaster, the week has been intensely packed with new insights. It’s amazing how it has come hard on the heels of the most unusual family conversation.
Here is the podcast interview. Maybe it will be life changing for you too.
They speak at length on how to be a better partner, in all our relationships not just the romantic ones. Lots of meat on the bones, lots to chew on. I like that.
Sadly, no specific books were featured this time. A few were mentioned along the way but I forgot to take note of them.
I have a new current read that is shaping up quite nicely so far. This author is new to me and I’m enjoying the experience.
A Strike to the Heart
She’s fiercely independent. He’s determined to protect her.
Wisconsin, 1933—When a routine mission becomes an ambush that kills his team, Craft Agency sniper Miles Wright determines to find the persons responsible and protect the woman he rescued. But the fierce independence that led Lily Moore to leave her family’s dairy business for the solitary life of a dog trainer and the isolation of her farm don’t make that easy. Neither does his unwanted attraction to her. Meanwhile, escalating incidents confirm that she’s far from safe.
Lily fears letting the surprisingly gentle retired marine into her life almost as much as she fears whoever is threatening her. As Wisconsin farmers edge toward another milk strike, one that will surely turn violent, it becomes clear that the plot against Lily may be part of a much larger conspiracy. When the search for her abductor leads close to home, she must decide whether to trust her family or the man who saved her life.
******************
This author also has a new book coming out in September and it’s on pre-order at a bargain price.
As Silent as the Night (Strike to the Heart Series)
He can procure anything, except his heart’s deepest wish. She might hold the key, if she’s not discovered first.
Chicago, 1933―Lucia Critelli will do anything for her ailing grandfather, including stand in a breadline to have enough food to make him a St. Nicholas Day meal. When she catches the eye of a goon who threatens her grandfather, she discovers the end of Prohibition doesn’t mean the end of the mafia’s criminal activity.
Retired Marine Scout Giosue “Gio” Vella can find anything, especially if it helps a fellow Italian immigrant, so he has no doubt he can locate his neighbor’s granddaughter, who has gone missing from a local church. Keeping her safe is another matter. Especially when he chooses to hide out with his Marine buddy in Eagle, Wisconsin, the site of a barely-held truce among striking dairy farmers.
Will Christmas bring the miracle they all need or will Gio discover there are some things even he can’t find, particularly when he stumbles upon the most elusive gift of all: love. As Silent as the Night is the Christmas novella to To Stand in the Breach and A Strike to the Heart.
*******************
This series is definitely set in an interesting era we don’t see too often.
A fellow blogger shared some tried and true rules for a good life. There were ten and one of them was Never worry.
I have been doing some of that this last while. Fussing over some possible changes coming in my life. Worrying because I don’t know if it will work out, how it will work out, should it work out. If it doesn’t what will I do.
I want to take on a challenge that will require more from me than I have ever put into anything I’ve ever done before. There is always a hurry up and wait time with these things. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing. My vision is being refined as the days go by. Maybe things won’t move until I have worked through all of the details just right.
I try not to indulge in worry because it doesn’t accomplish anything except to make me feel dejected and discouraged. Discouraged is a good word for the way I’ve felt the last week or two. Today’s beautiful sunny day following on the heels of a week or two of a winter storm helped significantly. There is nothing as cheerful as blue skies.
The thought of not worrying reminded me of a song that always lifts my sagging spirits.
I need to listen to it another time or two yet before lights out tonight.
Maybe this will help with end of winter sagging spirits for you too.
It is such a pretty day out there. Blue skies, bright sunshine, the world covered in marshmallow mounds of fresh snow. All the wind blowing stuff around does it.
The evergreen trees in our yards are frosted with fresh snow. I’m pretty sure my neighbors would not be happy with me posting pictures that included their houses so we will have to make do with word pictures. The world is beautiful this morning.
The cheerful vision makes me want to venture out but only until I check the temperature. -25C feels like -37C with the wind chill. I will be staying inside, enjoying the sun streaming in the windows.
The warmth of that bright light is appreciated but it’s also a challenge. Bananas on the counter and plants on the table are fair game. I keep moving things into the shade but it’s a losing battle. The sun is relentless in moving across the sky, coming in the windows at new angles.
I’m not complaining, though, I just have to remember to do a better job of hiding things.
The positive side of all that light far outweighs the negative. It’s hard not to feel cheerful at times like this.
I admit it is still possible to feel down if I allow my thoughts to turn inward and stay there for any length of time. I’m not planning to go to that place willingly.
On a brighter note: as mentioned a day or so ago I went grocery shopping before the promised winter storm hit, to replenish my dwindling food supply. I am ready.
Bring on the snow.
I behaved and stocked up on fruit, vegetables, and other healthy things too, but you have to admit, ice cream does make things go better.
I haven’t seen this particular flavor of ice cream in a while and it sounded like a good idea at the time. It’s turned out to not be my favorite. Too sweet I think. But still, it’s ice cream, how can that be bad. Next time it will be back to tried-and-true black cherry. Or pistachio or maybe chunky caramel.
The other treasure found while strolling through the aisles was my new favorite coffee. It’s seasonal, Winter Blend, and will disappear soon. Since it was on at clearance prices, I picked up four, and I’m still smiling at my good fortune. I considered taking more but I didn’t want to be greedy, and besides, they were on the back of the top shelf. That was a major deciding factor. There were no tall people around and I would have had to climb the shelves to get more. I could visualize how well that was going to work out for me.
Continuing on from where we left off last time. A few more relevant quotes.
Self condemnation: page 84
When we let lies overrule love, it affects those around us. We tend to take out our frustrations, lack of self-worth, shame or guilt on those we love. We cannot possibly love like we’ve never been hurt if we do not love ourselves.
another very important quote, same page:
If you struggle with shame, you may have trouble extending grace to others. If you struggle with finding self-worth, you may find it difficult to trust those around you.
Page 88:
We wear all sorts of things that keep us in bondage. Shame. Condemnation. Brokenness. Fear. Anxiety. Anger. Unforgiveness.
We are living in a mental cage. Page 89
Imprisoned with painful memories, with failures from the past, with self-sabotaging thoughts, with fear of an uncertain future.
Page 90:
When you start believing the lies about who you are, you begin to destroy your destiny.
How to change the channel?
That will be tomorrow’s topic.
These quotes are not the whole story, we need to read the book to see the full picture.
Well, I’m reading the book. I’m sure you will find it helpful too.
I need to talk to figure some things out before I explode.
The thing I hate the most about socializing? The aftermath. There is always a price to pay.
At the moment I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and codependent. Maybe not codependent so much as the first three.
I don’t like it.
I didn’t want to go to the social event in the first place but I caved. The carrot waved in front of my nose was a reason to be there.
I said yes, as I often do. It turned out better than expected and I enjoyed being there with everyone but…
I wish I had control over triggers and the resulting reactions, but I don’t.
*****
With the over use of the word “I” you can tell this is all about me.
The thing is, it is but it isn’t.
It was easy to pick up on the awkwardness and the hurt feelings on why I haven’t been going to the monthly meetings.
I’ve tried to explain it is because of the emotional/mental space I am in this year.
I’ve tried to explain about this and the whole PTSD struggle influencing these decisions.
The trouble is it isn’t met with a real understanding of the issue, and why would there be when they have not experienced it personally.
And then there is the “you don’t look sick” assessment adding doubt of my reasons.
I feel bad I am making them feel uncomfortable and hurt. I’ve tried to say things in a way to leave as little hurt as possible. I feel like I’m not very good at achieving this goal. Maybe it’s an impossible goal.
***********
I’ve thought about telling them my story, more than the bits and pieces already shared. I can’t do that though. They don’t deserve to be saddled with hearing the devastating details of my life.
The worst thing about all of this is the domino effect. Suddenly I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and maybe even codependent in other relationships.
It all has me wanting to ….
I’m not going to name what I’m wanting to do …
Saying these things out loud could lead me to making decisions I would later regret.
*****************
This too shall pass, it always does.
Will life look the same afterward.
Probably not, maybe not.
I don’t know.
*********************
It’s impossible to walk through the fires of life and not win-some lose-some.
An ongoing discussion today prompts the sharing of these resources for those of us with abusive backgrounds. The effects can be far reaching but not beyond help.
I was introduced to these books when I joined a group working with other women like me, and they were invaluable. A public library may even be a good place to find these.
The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie introduced the world to the term codependency. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a followup volume, The New Codependency, which clears up misconceptions about codependency, identifies how codependent behavior has changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.
The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of codependency is normal behavior. It’s about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity. Narcissism and self-love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken down and analyzed can be successfully combated.
***********************
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
In a crisis, it’s easy to revert to old patterns. Caring for your well-being during the coronavirus pandemic includes maintaining healthy boundaries and saying no to unhealthy relationships.
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America’s best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
Is someone else’s problem your problem? If, like so many others, you’ve lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else’s, you may be codependent–and you may find yourself in this book–Codependent No More. The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America’s best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.
************************
Along with these two books this next one is important companion book
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Do you feel like your life has spiraled out of control? Have you focused so much on being loving and unselfish that you’ve forgotten your own limits? Do you find yourself taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and problems? In Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend teach you the ins and outs of setting the boundaries that will transform your daily life.
Boundaries, a New York Times bestseller, will give you the tools you need to learn to say yes and know how to say no. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend are here to share the lessons they’ve learned in their years of practicing psychology and studying the patterns and practices that support clear biblical boundaries.
This is sort of a this-and-that conversation, stemming from earlier comments with another blogger on his site. My response was going to be long so a post with more room seemed like the way go. Besides, I’ve been wanting to explore some of these thoughts on here anyway.
In his comment section we were talking about triggers, mood swings, living with integrity and how to calm things down. He says:
I am honest, make pretty good choices
How does integrity work with ptsd?
I agree
“I’m working on trying to change this. Consciously recognizing the times where I’ve taken insult and accepted rejection where none was meant. Baby steps, but it is making a positive difference.”
Ptsd is still raging from intrusive thoughts and trigger and spotting danger.
*********************************
For me; living with integrity (honorable, honest, dependable etc) adds up to good mental health – positive mental attitude. Living this way fosters a lack of shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear (fear we will be caught doing something wrong.).
There are other reasons (like the past) we can have these negative experiences but if we do life with integrity the negative emotion load will be reduced significantly. It’s hard to be fair and kind without feeling good about my everyday life and my interactions with people.
Feeling good about life and people has a calming influence on my triggers.
It’s easy for me to mistakenly think I’m doing well in this area if I’m not paying attention. Bouts of anger, impatience, road rage, and any other similar emotions can crop up as I do life. I have to deal with them, let them go and move on to preserve peace.
Aside from the integrity aspect, I’ve worked hard to keep bitterness, anger, and other such related emotions out of my everyday life. Forgiveness is important to my well being.
Most of these negative emotions are relative to the past rather than the present. I’ve forgiven my dad and I can talk about him now without tears or anger. Not so much with several others, tears still flow easily but that is a work in progress.
Another thing that helps me considerably is thinking through what just happened; once the emotions are settled down. Examining memories to identify the original event behind the trigger and facing what happened has helped take the punch out of the trigger.
It doesn’t sound like it should work but it does. A disclaimer though: I don’t know what you have been through so be careful with this one. Some memories should not be explored alone.
For me, an example of a memory to be explored would be the bathroom. For decades I wouldn’t/couldn’t go into a washroom, public or otherwise, if I had to do so within sight of men. It took a few more decades for me to realize the reason; as a child, bad things happened to me in bathrooms. I could have figured it out sooner if I had been willing to think about the why. It is what it is, leave it alone, was my attitude.
All of these things, and probably more, have been helpful but the one thing I use on a day to day basis is change-the-channel. It was validating when I heard they were doing this successfully with soldiers. They found that early interruption of debilitating thoughts brought an early end to the episode. They were using computer games to be the distraction.
For a good while there, my whole day was destroyed if I was triggered. It was frustrating. Especially when I was supposed to be working.
By accident I learned that if I went to an activity requiring my whole mind, the channel would change in my head and my thoughts would move on to a better place. Later I may think about whatever triggered me but the adrenaline reaction was no longer there.
I read books, play computer games, follow podcasts and vlogs, write this blog. Some days these things are literally my sanity. I run to them before I dig myself into a deep hole.
I don’t know if this makes sense or is even helpful but this is how I maintain my sanity and avoid major triggers. This is not the final word on the subject either. It is much too complex for that and I’m no expert.
Now I just have to figure out how to avoid the minor triggers.
I don’t think I will live long enough to deal with it all. 🙂
A parting thought: there are many self centered hurting people who do not lead a life of integrity. They would be happier if they did. If you lead a life of integrity you can check this box off the list. I have.
Several days ago I shared the helpful video I had the good fortune to run across. It was an interview with Jennifer Kolari and can be found here.
I’m still thinking about some things she shared that impacted me most.
I did take notes but they are in the form of phrases, just enough to remind me of the thoughts I didn’t want to forget. I won’t be able to share the clear or complete explanations contained in the video. I refer you back to the video for that wealth of information. (This is my disclaimer: much hereafter is on me, the author can’t be blamed for any issues or misunderstandings. I do want to give her credit for the good parts though.)
One of the first significant phrases was “your body keeps the score”. There are many reasons why our brains do not retain memories, especially of traumatic events, but our bodies remember everything Jennifer says. I have never thought about it quite like that before (stored in the body rather than in the brain) but I have always been convinced that some part of me does remember all the things I don’t or won’t.
Another point, in regard to the out of proportion reactions we often have to people, situations, comments etc. — we need to find healing before we can learn how to respond rather than react. I totally get this. I’ve been working on it in my life for quite some time and lately have seen positive changes in my thoughts and actions. I appreciate what she is about to say on how to go about doing this.
Jennifer says “to heal it you’ve got to feel it.” I agree, and to do that we have to give ourselves permission to feel our emotions. Most of us have learned to push down and bottle up our feelings. Typically, over time the feelings fester and eventually erupt into something much worse than they were originally.
So here’s the part I’ve not heard expressed quite this way. She says we feel love with our heart and we feel fear with our gut. I guess I haven’t really thought about the heart response because the feelings there would be positive and pleasant. I have definitely noticed negative changes in the gut though. When I’m feeling anxious things definitely do not feel pleasant in my digestive area.
She says one of the reasons for this concept to be plausible is due to neurons.
Apparently both the heart and the gut have neurons, who knew. I did a little internet research and here’s what I found.
According to several sources, including sciencemag.org the gut contains millions of neurons and is directly connected to the brain. The vagus nerve is one of the largest nerves carrying messages back and forth at a dizzying rate. The site linked above is as recent as 2018. If we feel fear or anxiety there will be a reaction in the gut. For some of us it morphs into painful intestinal disorders and other similar diseases.
The heart similarly has a large number of neurons but it also has it’s own nervous system and brain. Sometimes called the little brain according to heartmath.org. In 1991 a scientist made this discovery. The heart and the head brain are also sending a dizzying number of message back and forth.
Wow! I have to say this little bit of exploration done in order to speak intelligently to Jennifer’s comments regarding the gut and the heart, has opened up a whole new world of information. It’s calling out to me, to look into it more and more thoroughly.
Bottom line for the original subject of this post; to be emotionally healthy it helps to understand how the heart and gut are tied to our thoughts and memories. We feel love in our heart, we feel fear in our gut. When we react to people rather than respond, which part of our body is involved? Most often it will be fear, the gut. The next question is what happened to us to cause this reaction? How is it tied to our early life, what traumatized us. A dog? Lost? Abused? What?
Jennifer’s point is that if we can figure out the originating event and allow ourselves to feel the irrational fear it will lose it’s power over us and we can move on. Feel the fear of the dog, the bully, the dark, whatever it is.
Here’s a little teaser about the heart brain.
I’m not sure if I have been able to stay on subject well enough to make sense but I hope so.
I think the main take away is that our emotional well being affects our physical well being. After that, it becomes a vicious cycle. Learning to read the signs and figuring out what to do to alleviate/repair issues and memories, can be life changing.
Check out the interview and the other links to learn more about this fascinating subject.
For the Love of Books 