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A little bit of nothing December 04, 2021

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If I don’t want to break my posting streak… I’d better write

I have nothing to say so this is where I just start talking and see what comes out.

Today was our regular monthly writers group meeting and I was planning to go. I’d signed up for read and critique. I read, they critique. I was looking forward to it and it turned out better than hoped. Now, I’m looking forward to the rewrite. I’ll share soon.

The theme was Christmas.

I’ve been reluctant to write about family traditions, memories, and all of that. With my dysfunctional and abusive childhood, I don’t have many memories, never mind good ones.

This year it seemed it was time to write something.

I have to say, the exercise turned out to be an uplifting experience. The piece started on a somber note and ended with a lighthearted vibe. It wasn’t until I reread it before the meeting that I fully appreciated the transition to happy.

It’s easy to get caught up in past memories, forgetting about present blessings.

Life has been good to me. It hasn’t been perfect, it never is. But when I think about the way life could have gone post-abuse, I’m grateful.

There are many reasons why life turned out so well but I think the main one had to do with choices.

Years ago, a visitor looked around our house and her comment left me stunned. “Why do you get to live in such a nice place.”

I’ve since considered that comment many times. Eventually I could verbalize some things. We weren’t special. We weren’t living in a higher price range with something they couldn’t have had. It all had to do with choices.

Cheerful is important to me. I can handle the tough parts of life if my surroundings are visually pleasing.

We chose to hold out for the right place. We looked at a lot of places before finding the one but it was worth it.

Don’t settle. That’s my motto. Hold out for pleasing.

This day is nearly over and time is running out.

I can’t leave without saying, there have been no good book suggestions today. I have been reading an enjoyable collection, though.

Sadly, the collection is from last year and no longer available on Kindle.

I’m not sure how I missed reading it last year.

There are a few still available in paperback.

Well. I fulfilled my promise of having nothing much to say, don’t you think.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Happy Reading.

This and that November 29, 2021

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At this moment, I have to share the encouragement I’m needing and enjoying tonight.

This last week has been busy with house guests. I’ve loved having them. Now I’m going through withdrawal being alone again, although in spite of it I’m feeling upbeat. At the same time I’m experiencing annoying physical evidence of the stress of it all. It feels weird because I have been happy having people around. To have itching skin rashes and aches and pains that only appear when I’m stressed just seems so wrong when I’m feeling good about life.

To help me get through this season I discovered a new music video in my feed, it has favorite lyrics that settle me. It’s actually a compilation of several videos I’ve owned for some time. This is very cool because I know all of the songs so well. It adds an extra dimension to my emotional settling when I can close my eyes and sing along. The words slide deep down into my heart and bring healing.

The theme of the video is Thanksgiving, what could be more uplifting than that? I’ll share it at the end of this post.

The other cool thing that happened today was the experience of tackling a task I’ve been dreading. In the end it turned out to be a positive part of my day.

The challenge was to write a piece for reading and critique at our writer’s group this coming Saturday. The theme was to be Christmas memories. The trouble is, there are not many good memories coming out of my childhood. I couldn’t imagine how I could find enough material to write something with any sort of a positive vibe.

It turned out so much better than I could have imagined and I felt upbeat and grateful having such a good writing experience. After it has been critiqued I will share it with you all.

Here is the video I’m listening to as I write this. It features a wide variety of favorite and talented award winning artists.

Life is looking up and I’m grateful.

Now I’m going to grab supper while this video finishes.

A good evening to you all. I hope you are experiencing some bright spots as well.

Notes on Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt Nov 21, 2021

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Last time we ended just before the topic… Changing the channel on our invasive words and thoughts.

Page 92:

There are a number of components and I will highlight a few that stand out to me. There is so much more to be said, reading the book would be helpful.

...how you can start: Change what you tell yourself. … Talk back to your inner critic.

The most important battles we fight, many times, happen internally.

The past can be healed in only one way: Forgive it. That is the one thing you can do for yourself that can change all of your tomorrows.

**********************

Page 93 – 96

I’m going to deviate from the book here. The author is dealing with shame in this section and uses the example of the Prodigal Son in the Bible. He tells how the father, with love, received his son back home. Despite his “bad boy” lifestyle, wasting his inheritance, and returning home in disgrace.

The father is a picture of the way God loves us and receives us no matter what we’ve done or what has been done to us.

I’m deviating from the book, though, because I think it’s important for us to understand the difference between shame and guilt. The information I’m about to share I’ve seen expressed in many places over the years, but for today’s purpose I found it laid out on verywellmind.com under living with BPD.

I’m paraphrasing here for space sake.

Guilt is the feeling you have related to things you have done. With guilt you can take steps to make things right and move on.

Shame is the feeling you have related to you are, or who you’ve been led to believe you are, your whole self not just an event. Shame it is not as easily dealt with because there is nothing you can do to make restitution. It’s about who you are, not something you’ve done.

There is an excellent ten minute podcast on their website discussing the shame we have been hiding and the link is posted below.

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-verywell-mind-podcast-5113058

The important take away from the podcast was this: there are two things shame cannot survive. One is exposure, tell someone. The second is empathy, tell someone who understands and is supportive.

It’s very important to find the right person to confide your secrets.

If shame is an issue for you, and it is for those of us who have survived an abusive life, this is highly helpful information.

So, back to the book. Check it out for the larger conversation.

I’m not sure what’s next but we will find out.

Bargain books November 19, 2021

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Two suggestions today, from BookBub and 1531 Entertainment.

The first one is mystery and the second historical romance.

Collision of Lies 

Three years ago, a collision between a fast-moving freight train and a school bus full of kids led to devastation and grief on an unimaginable scale. But a fresh clue leads San Antonio police detective Amara Alvarez to the unlikely conclusion that one of the children may still be alive. If she’s correct, everything law enforcement believes about the accident is a lie.

With time running out, Amara must convince others–and herself–that despite all evidence to the contrary, the boy lives. And she will do everything in her power to bring him home.

***********************

To Discover Her Heart’s Longing: A Historical Western Romance Book 

Amy Richardson never imagined that staying at the orphanage she called home would put her at such risk. When she realizes that someone from her past isn’t ready to let her go, her future suddenly becomes uncertain. Forced to flee west in hopes of starting over, little does she know that things are about to get even more complicated. Arriving in a new town to meet her husband-to-be, she is shocked to find that he has no idea of her existence…

Will Amy ever find the safety she longs for in this new place?

After his father’s death, Peter McKelvey never intended to get married. So when his mother shows up with Amy as a mail-order bride arranged on his behalf, he is stunned. Seeing Amy’s dismay at his reaction though, he can’t bring himself to turn her away and hires her as a cook on his ranch. Yet as he begins to realize that she could be in very real danger, keeping his distance from Amy may not be possible if he wants to keep her safe…

Will Peter allow himself to care for Amy and even open up his heart to love?

With an unexpected bond between Peter and Amy growing, so do the challenges that face them. As they try to deal with the threats coming their way, Amy is still keeping secrets… Will Peter and Amy manage to trust each other and their budding feelings? Or will they lose everything to ghosts from the past?

***************************

It has been a bit of a mixed up day. In many ways upsetting.

It seems like difficult situations stir things up in a way that we are forced to see elements of our life in a new light.

It’s easy to think I’ve made a lot of progress in my abusive healing journey and it’s a major shock when unexpected triggers happen.

I don’t pretend to be rational when that happens. I know I am a pro at knee jerk reactions.

It’s hard to know for sure what is reflex and what is me standing up for myself.

The trouble is it’s likely some of both.

The beauty of living alone in isolation is the absence of triggers. Social situations are a minefield especially when the interaction is between badly wounded souls. We understand better than most but we also trigger each other.

The desire to walk away is very real.

I’m sure you can guess my choice.

Now I’m thinking through the event trying to see how I can learn from it and do better in the future.

I would say other than that it’s been a good day but I can’t. It hasn’t been the worst day of my life but…

I’m gonna go finish my book. Drown my sorrows.

It’s the weekend, that’s encouraging.

Formidable, truly formidable. November 16, 2021

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It’s a slow book day today. That’s OK

I’ve been paying attention to what is happening in British Columbia Canada, weather-wise.

It’s crazy what’s going on there. That’s for sure

They have been having unusually heavy rain and highways and train tracks are experiencing washouts and slides. Flooding in low lying places with people evacuated.

There have been floods before but I don’t remember anything as wide spread and destructive as this.

Rushing rivers taking out anything and everything in their path

Many of the highways and rail lines run through mountainous areas. Supply shortages will be worse than they were already with trains at a standstill

The high mountains are beautiful on a dry sunny day but formidable when slides and washouts happen.

The force of nature is truly impressive, take a look. It is awe-some.

This and that November 14, 2021

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Our neighborhood woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. The first serious bit of snow this winter. It’s wet and heavy, perfect for making snowballs and snow men. I wonder if snowball fights are a thing anymore? I haven’t noticed one in a long while.

Shoveling is not a lot of fun with this heavy stuff. I’m all the more grateful for a kind neighbor. He’s smart. He cleared both driveways yesterday when there wasn’t much and then again today. I have a snowblower he uses with serious snow but this time he shoveled. Must be wanting the exercise.

I’m taking a break from exercise at the moment. Vacuuming. This is a make do day. My vacuum cleaner motor went a few weeks ago and it hasn’t been replaced. I have been using a broom and mop but today I had a brilliant idea. Why not use the shop vac, it should work in a pinch. It had to be cleaned up a bit and it’s awkward but it does a reasonable job.

The other thing on my agenda was reading up on bonsai and how to do it and care for them. I like the look but have no experience. My daughter gifted me with three cuttings off of the bonsai that has gotten away on them. I think it’s going to be fun to learn.

My plant menagerie was getting a little out of hand too. The aloe plant split in about 6 different ways and was crazy. I was feeling ruthless so I tossed all but one stem which I repotted. The ruthlessness continued on with tossing entirely a neglected plant from an unused bedroom. I could have kept a cutting but the plant grows like crazy if it’s watered properly and I don’t really have a good place for it anyway. Company is coming next week so it seemed like the perfect time to say bye bye.

I just saw a snowmobile go by on the back of a pick-up truck. Guys eager to get back out there for winter sports.

I’ll leave you with a shot of my new cuttings. The vacuum is calling my name.

Happy Sunday

C-PTSD this and that November 12, 2021

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The worst thing about an emotionally high day, is the low day that is sure to follow. After two in a row, it has me seriously considering sticking to emotionally mediocre days. This statement is truer than I like to admit.

Today was one of those low days and most of the day was past me before I tried to derail my negative thoughts, replacing them with healthier positive ones. The hardest thing about accomplishing this is the high level of self discipline required.

Cracking out a Christmas DVD seemed like a good distraction and it was helpful. It even gave me the push needed to prepare supper for myself.

On these down days it’s easy to neglect eating altogether. Not exacting the best way to keep my emotions on a even keel

What we eat, or don’t eat as the case may be, can have a huge impact on our emotional well being, but who feels like thinking about it some days.

Usually after a week or two or three of avoiding the grocery store I stock up on bananas and vegetables and then wonder why I feel so much better all of a sudden.

For a few days I plan to do better but after awhile I lose the will power to stop the vicious cycle.

Hope lives eternal though. I hope that one day things will change and these unhealthy days will be behind me.

I know I’m not alone in this dilemma, I’m hearing similar struggles expressed by others.

When others are having similar issues, I have to wonder what’s behind it (besides PTSD). Seasonal changes? Political struggles? (everyone seems to have them these days) Something else going on? We may never know.

This song is from the DVD I was watching earlier. It’s upbeat and cheerful, just what was needed today.

**********************

I’m gong back to my book for awhile.

My current read is from earlier today and it’s not easy to put down.

Security Detail: Faith in the Face of Crime (Secret Service Agents Book 1)

Happy Reading y’all

Current read November 11, 2021

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This current read is working for me, it is turning out to be a favorite read.

Double Exposure: An Inspirational Private Investigator Romantic Suspense Novel (The Justice Agency Book 1)

Discover the exciting opening story of The Justice Agency series from Susan Sleeman!

The Justice Agency: Family and law enforcement go hand in hand

Photographer Jennie Buchanan unknowingly captures a drug cartel meeting on film. And now she has become a killer’s next target. Even worse, her only protection from the danger that threatens her life is the man who threatens her heart. Dodging bullets almost seems safer than facing the feelings stirred up by seeing ex-FBI agent and ex-boyfriend Ethan Justice again. Ethan vows to safeguard Jennie from the deadly men on her trail. And for a second chance at Jennie’s love, he’s willing to risk anything to expose the truth—about the drug smugglers, the past and the future together he still wants.

***************************

This is one of those early winter kind of days where we are getting a hefty dose of rain and snow mixed. The roads will be slippery. I’m glad not to be out in it.

My newly arrived grandsons lived in a moderate climate where they had no snow to speak of, this is an exciting time for them.

One thing about wet snow it makes good snowmen.

I have to say they did an awesome job with what they has to work with.

Once the snowmen were finished they moved across the street to the park to build forts. They have plastic molds to make bricks. This snow would be perfect for that. No pictures have been shared yet but I’m sure it will be impressive.

The wind is whistling out there tonight and the rain has turned to snow. Everything is starting to turn white seriously now.

A good time for me to go back to reading.

Happy Reading y’all.

C-PTSD – The hardest part of socializing. November 08, 2021

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Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

I need to talk to figure some things out before I explode.

The thing I hate the most about socializing? The aftermath. There is always a price to pay.

At the moment I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and codependent. Maybe not codependent so much as the first three.

I don’t like it.

I didn’t want to go to the social event in the first place but I caved. The carrot waved in front of my nose was a reason to be there.

I said yes, as I often do. It turned out better than expected and I enjoyed being there with everyone but…

I wish I had control over triggers and the resulting reactions, but I don’t.

*****

With the over use of the word “I” you can tell this is all about me.

The thing is, it is but it isn’t.

It was easy to pick up on the awkwardness and the hurt feelings on why I haven’t been going to the monthly meetings.

I’ve tried to explain it is because of the emotional/mental space I am in this year.

I’ve tried to explain about this and the whole PTSD struggle influencing these decisions.

The trouble is it isn’t met with a real understanding of the issue, and why would there be when they have not experienced it personally.

And then there is the “you don’t look sick” assessment adding doubt of my reasons.

I feel bad I am making them feel uncomfortable and hurt. I’ve tried to say things in a way to leave as little hurt as possible. I feel like I’m not very good at achieving this goal. Maybe it’s an impossible goal.

***********

I’ve thought about telling them my story, more than the bits and pieces already shared. I can’t do that though. They don’t deserve to be saddled with hearing the devastating details of my life.

The worst thing about all of this is the domino effect. Suddenly I am feeling needy, insecure, weak and maybe even codependent in other relationships.

It all has me wanting to ….

I’m not going to name what I’m wanting to do …

Saying these things out loud could lead me to making decisions I would later regret.

*****************

This too shall pass, it always does.

Will life look the same afterward.

Probably not, maybe not.

I don’t know.

*********************

It’s impossible to walk through the fires of life and not win-some lose-some.

Cheeky boys Nov 06, 2021

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Everything I post must be dated; how else will I remember where it belongs in the grand scheme of things whenever it gets a fresh like. Just sayin’

So, back to my cheeky boys.

I was relaxing with my game, watching a music video, and my gaze landed on my treasured Merry Christmas blocks.

There’s not too much I can say because everyone takes a turn at it. Even me sometimes, it’s fun.

I have to admit, these guys have quite the imagination. This is the cheekiest one yet. It is now the proud gold medal holder.

This all happened while I wasn’t looking last time they were here.

Their mom was watching though, and I can’t be sure but I think she enacted her power-of-mother veto on whatever wild and hilarious phrase they came up before they settled on this one.

I’m pretty sure I need to be saying thank-you.

Boys will be boys.

I’m still wanting to know what they had that was so funny before this one.

**********

Oh well,

It’s 10:25 PM. Do you think it’s too late for pie and ice cream?

Me neither.

Pie and my book, what could be better.

I’ll sit and eat my pie where I can look at my Merry Christmas blocks and dream about something wittier.

I think their gold medal is pretty safe at the moment.

Maybe I’ll just eat and read.