A long, hermit like season of my life seems to be coming to an end. This is good news.
A season unbearable in some ways, yet profoundly healing in others. It has been a painful time of honesty ending in a deepening relationship with the One who has travelled every step of life’s journey with me and has waited decades for the right time to reveal, mend, and restore the broken places.
Now, as the tail end of this healing season is in sight, I realize it dealt primarily with childhood issues, and very little with those of my adult life. This makes me sad because I was hoping for both. The distressing thing is, there is no clear picture in my mind of what it would take for this to happen, in regard to my adult life. I try to figure out what is still missing, forgiveness? Understanding? The missing pieces elude me.
The last few weeks I’ve been thinking back on how this hermit journey started. Life events show it started the first moment I allowed myself to take an honest look at my adult situation. Funny how that works sometimes. Deal with one era by bringing change in another.
This time of honesty turned out to be the beginning of many changes.
From the very early days of our marriage there was a deep knowing that something wasn’t right but there was nothing to indicate what it was. I still don’t know for sure what that something was. Looking back to the beginning, from the vantage point of maturity, I see unrecognized indicators but no clear picture. Attempts at conversation over the years haven’t been helpful either. I may never know the truth and I have to be okay with it. The truth is part of someone else’s story and is not mine to discover. I can’t pursue understanding the way I wish I could, that would be invasive and unfair.
For many years, our life was putting one foot in front of the other, doing the best we could with what we had. On the surface life was good in many ways, there were no beatings, there was food on the table, and I always knew where he was. I was glad for the husband I had because I thought all those negative things could have been true if I had made a different choice. Now I can see the lie in that thought, because none of my teenage choices turned out to be the kind of men to do any those things so why would a different adult choice have led to the disasters my mind kept throwing at me. Low self imagine has had much to do with the decades long process this turned out to be.
Underneath the acceptance of life as good, there was a deep unhappiness coupled with a profound lack of understanding for the reason. I read a helpful book a few years ago, it described much of what I was going through in the early years. It said we often know something is wrong but can’t put it into words. That was me.
Life went on this way for decades, fluctuating between times of peace and times of despair.
Denial only works for so long, eventually something will burst forth and there will be no choice but to allow the moment of honesty. It was a shock. It required a response.
It was a shock to recognize we weren’t truly living a life, we were merely role playing, both in our personal and professional lives. It’s impossible to do a job well while role playing. The fruits of our efforts were indicators of that.
Honesty needed a response.
The right course of action in this moment of honesty was to move on, leave the role playing behind. Circumstances lined up in cooperation with this decision. Everything about our lives changed, – location, occupations, activities, view of life, our relationship.
This was the beginning of the healing process, one that would take more than two decades.
When I started to write this post my goal was to work my way through to the present day view of my life. I had a reason for that goal. Nothing has turned out quite like I intended.
Some of this subject has been difficult to address and yet the exercise of writing about it has had unexpected benefits. New thoughts have been introduced and need some meditation time. It is a break through of sorts. Maybe the healing end is not as far off as I first thought.
I need a break to consider some things before continuing with this subject. I’m sure there will be a continuing, it still has an unfinished feel to it.
Until next time…..
Books read since last post
Maine Justice – The Priority Unit book 1 – Susan Paige Davis …. this was a read all night book, literally, loved it
Blackbird Fly – Lise McClendon….. I liked the bones of this story and went to the end, in leaps and jumps. It was a frustrating read, full of unnecessary details (at least that is my opinion) but I did want to stick with it long enough to see what happened.
BoneMan’s Daughters – Ted Dekker (mystery)
Silver Cascade Secrets – Rachelle Christensen
Full Circle – Davis Bunn (mystery)
Kiss – Ted Dekker and Erin Healy (mystery/thriller)
The Courage Series – For Real book 3 – Staci Stallings
Summer Love in the Bahamas – Smile For Me book 1 – Jan Thompson