This and that at the end of the day.

This is a time when I just start talking and see where it goes. Usually it starts with a thought, an undeveloped thought. That’s how this one went. A thought and need to stop the endless round and round. It helped. Not sure it makes sense. 🙂 Also, I’m trying hard to be careful, which is constricting, for a few reasons. I hope this gives you hope.

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There is so much going on these days, Scary stuff, if we look at it closely. It’s easy to automatically expect the worst because we don’t have the ability to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

I spent a lot of time tonight watching news clips from contributors who seem more interested in honest journalism than biased manipulation. It’s good to keep up with what’s going on in the world but there is a downside to it. It’s draining and discouraging.

In response to tonight’s viewing session I’m writing to let out some of the angst and negativity. Maybe it will help me gain a new perspective.

All of my life there have been regularly occurring dire predictions about what was going to happen to the world one day. Time lines were built and we lived in fear, differing degrees of it depending on the whether. Whether or not someone, or something, seemed like more or less of a threat at that particular moment.

It was easy to believe that there would be a moment in time when destruction would take over and we would be forced to live in apocalyptic desolation and torment. I think many of us still live with that dreadful expectation. We believe that one day evil will take over the world and we will be living in slavery and punishment. Life as we know it will be over.

Decades-long thinking have been acting as a foundation to the thought pattern that resulted in my discouragement tonight. Intentionally or not, we are programmed to think the way others decided that we should.

What if we are wrong about the predictions of how things are going to go? What if we have been looking at things from the wrong perspective?

You might call me a little crazy, thinking like this but I know these worries are real. Especially with the newest generation growing into adulthood. Their view of the world is serious and worried. They are regularly being presented with possible catastrophic events and for some of them the future of life looks hopeless. I can relate to what they are feeling. I remember as a middle teen lying in bed worrying about aircraft overhead, wondering if it was a Russian bomber coming to get us. After all, how many times had we been told the Russians are coming to take over the world, be ready.

Ok, we won’t keep going on with that thought pattern but worries are real, in our minds at least.

By the way; the Russians did not come, aggressive threats went away, and after awhile life went on and we forgot we were ever worried. Until now. When things seem to be heating up again.

In the normal scheme of life, never mind what’s gong on right now, we seem to grow the most when we experience hard and difficult places. I’ve heard more than one person say I would never want to go through cancer again but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I’m different because of it.

What if – instead of punishment and destruction coming in our future, it’s something entirely different? What if – the purpose of these earth shaking events is not to defeat us, but to cause us to rise up and grow?

Globally, as a culture we have become weak, lethargic, and apathetic. Most of us have never had the chance or the need to stand up and fight for something.

What if the reason for the hard place we’re currently living in is to cause us to get up out of our soft chairs and become Olympic champions. What if we are being called to rise to a challenge, to become more than we ever thought possible.

Most of us will never be Olympic champions or Navy Seals but what if there is some need close to home that we could become passionate about filling?

I think that’s the secret right there. Passion.

Most of us think … but what could I do?

Paying attention to our surroundings will help us see needs we would normally miss.

So, I got a little off track with that train of thought.

What if – the purpose of these earth shaking events is not inevitable defeat but to strengthen us so that we are useful and evil doesn’t have to win?

I like this view for the future much better than the inevitable one of defeat.

This took much longer than expected, and my brain is fried.

I hope this makes sense to you the way it did in my head.

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I think – We are not meant to be overcome but to be over-comers.

Be encouraged.

The Superpower of the Calm Technique

I just watched the most amazing and helpful video podcast I’ve seen in a long time and I just had to share. It’s called The Superpower of the Calm Technique with Jennifer Kolari. I like learning how to do life better and how deal with triggers and reactions. This was so helpful.

She is qualified, wise, and articulate. Such a educational and eyeopening experience listening to/watching what she has to say about learning to respond rather than react. Conflicts in a relationship will loose their steam if we practice her techniques. They’ve done some role plays to demonstrate the way it will work. It was interesting to see how the calming influence changed the dynamics even in a pretend situation. Very cool.

Some of the concepts she presents I`ve kind of heard before but she explains things with new information I’ve not heard and it all makes such good sense.

Carey Nieuwhof introduces it this way – Jennifer Kolari on How to Deal with Irrational People, Customers and Team Members, and the Superpower of the CALM Technique.

Usually Carey`s interviewees have written a book but they didn`t talk about it this time although she has written at least one. In a YouTube search I found she has a lot of content related to parenting although she does a lot of corporate consulting as well.

I’m positive you will find this helpful in life’s situations if you are into good emotional health and productive relationships. Check it out.

This and that August 14, 2021

So, first off this morning, I’m catching up on sites I follow on YouTube. This particular guy is prolific and it’s very easy to fall behind on his channels.

I love the video I’m about to share and I think you will love it too.

The creator of this series is a Hollywood producer, he has worked on shows like Entertainment Tonight and other shows you may recognize. I can’t think of them all at the moment but I can tell you this… he knows how to do a good job.

He is not just a producer, he also a writer working on the script for an outer space type movie that doesn’t yet have a name.

While researching to make sure his script is production ready he formed a connection with an astrophysicist who, it turns out, is excited about his project. They clicked as like-minded people even though they work in vastly different disciplines. Out of this unlikely friendship they’ve created another video project, totally unrelated to the original film idea.

This explanation may be clear as mud but if you watch their first introductory video explaining how they met and what they are trying to do, it will make more sense.

They have many videos in the new series, already edited and ready to go. This lets us know it’s not a bright idea that will fizzle out after a couple of episodes.

These guys are interesting and funny. They have good chemistry and are relaxed with each other, which makes the watching experience enjoyable. The content is excellent and that makes it even better.

I enjoy listening to these guys and I’m very much looking forward to more. They have a new release scheduled for Saturday mornings, 6 am California time.

Check this out. Jeff and Mike

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Mike is currently on a road trip that started just this morning, well technically he left home last night but couldn’t have gone far. The idea of the trip is to share grassroots America with his fellow countrymen as well as the rest of the world. He’s hardly left home and is already posting short clips on some of his other channels.

This guy is a Type A personality with ADD. He has new ideas popping out everywhere… but he produces and he’s interesting to watch.

At least many of us think so.

He has his detractors like most everyone else on line these days. I’ve heard it said of leaders… if everyone loves you – you’re not doing it right. He must be doing something right.

I’m sure I will share more from this guy. He has a bunch of other channels, with different focus and goals in mind. He also has several episodes he does with his mom. She is an interesting lady and has an exceptional story to tell.

But that will be a post for another day.

Oops, I see he just posted another video on this channel about his mom, must go watch it.

There’s a good chance you will see more from me later on.

Happy Watching and Reading

Another this and that August 06, 2021

I think there is something wrong with me. I don’t feel like reading.

Shocking!

I’ve finished the book I was reading and can’t seem to settle on any of the five or six that are next in line. This rarely happens, I must be sick or something.

Maybe it’s or something. My mind has been pulled in a number of different directions today and right now it’s hard to settle down to a quiet occupation like reading.

One of the things I’ve been dwelling on this evening is the subject of the next couple of chapters read in the book called The Power of Writing It Down. The author makes a case for writing as a way to improve our health. Studies have demonstrated a change in moods by writing 20 minutes a day for two weeks, an effect that lasts for an even longer period of time.

The authors name is Allison Fallon. Allison is a writing coach and she has a large team of people working with her. Her book has come out of her personal and corporate experiences and in my mind that gives her credibility. The kind of writing addressed in this book is called expressive writing. Medical researchers have studied brain activity during writing experiences and they found that different parts of the brain would light up during different types of writing. What Allison calls expressive writing comes from the subconscious part of the brain rather than the conscious part where we live most of the time.

Today’s chapters talked about writing when we don’t feel inspired. We have nothing to say and yet if we sit quietly, meditatively, and we gradually set aside the conscious noise about all the things our mind goes to when we are supposed to be working or listening; something changes. Our mind becomes focused on a single thought and as we start to write, a conversation happens.

At the end, we read over what we’ve written, in amazement. Where did that come from? I wasn’t even thinking about any of that when I sat down and yet here it is.

Allison stresses that writing out of the subconscious helps us discover who we really are, not who we have made ourselves out to be to please others. It can be a little scary, thinking about what might come out of our subconscious. Maybe, hopefully, it will be positive more often than we might think.

I’ve experienced a little of this writing what I didn’t expect phenomenon while working on some of these this and that posts. I think they have turned out to be some of the best ones. Reader response seems to bear that out.

In the end. Writing like this was a very emotional experience and I was left with a pleasant aura that stayed with me for hours. It was very positive and I would love to have it happen many more times. Maybe it will as I practice this type of writing more often.

I know you have questions so I’ll say this…

The pleasant aura was kind of like when you read a extra specially good book or watch a movie that leaves you with an awww kind of feeling. Or when you do something that turns out so much better than expected and you can’t help but keep looking at it, thinking about how much you love it. And, at the same time you are thinking I can’t believe I just did that.

This turned out way different, and so much better than I visualized going in to this post. I was wanting to practice expressive writing tonight but I was worried at the same time. I’m feeling a big sigh of relief at the way this all went.

Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

I think I can settle down now and read a book for awhile.

Happy writing and happy reading.

Check out Allison’s book, maybe it will inspire you and meet a need, all at the same time.

There was one more exciting thought on my mind tonight but I will save it for another post.

Later.

How was your week?

This was a letter to a friend tonight, chatting and asking about her week. It was fun to remember good days gone by and I thought it would be nice to share memories with you too. This takes place in Canada.

How was your week? Was the weather warmer than you’d like? Did you have a chance to get to the mainland to see the kids?

Our weather has been warm again the last few days. It makes me very grateful for A/C when temps are in the 30s. I like to be outside when it’s working though because cold air blowing around makes me shiver. I sit on the deck with a book and a coffee to enjoy the heat. I don’t work in the yard though, exertion in heat like that is a killer. My body doesn’t handle overheated very well anymore. I wait for evenings and mornings to garden.

We’ve had air quality alerts with all the smoke hanging around from the many forest fires between Saskatchewan, here, and western Ontario. We don’t have nearly as many fires as you do in BC but still, there’s been enough smoke to reduce visibility and turn what sun we could see orange. We’ve had rain with thunder and lightning where I live. The rain seems to be localized. Some areas get it and others don’t. The farmers are having a hard time of it. Some are selling off their herds as they are having trouble with feeding them.

One of my neighbors has been replacing part of his fence due to the weather. It had a definite list to it after one of the big storms whipping through at the end of May. The wind can get really wild around here with major storms . Watching the poor trees taking a beating and listening to roar of the wind, always makes me think of being out on the water. Between the number of years spent near the ocean in North Vancouver, Prince Rupert, and then Chemainus, there must be scary memories buried somewhere in my subconscious data bank.

I guess the ocean wasn’t the only place we experienced scary times. One year, when Gerald was four months old, we were camping in a tent at Mara Lake in the Okanagan. A big storm whipped up on the lake, strong enough to take out trees. We were hiding in our tent through it all, fortunately we were in the middle of a field and it didn’t last long. The campers parked among the trees closer to the beach were not as lucky, several had trees fall on them (the vehicles, not the people, thankfully.) I’ll never forget that trip.

The other strong memory I have from that holiday was staying among the trees (apricots) in an orchard turned campground. That’s what you call diversification. It was at the south end of Okanagan Lake on the eastern shore. It was pretty and different. It was hot too. So hot that my can of baby formula was wrecked. Who knew? I was a new mom with little baby food experience.

Of course, this also reminds me of our first summer camping trip about six years earlier. We were headed to Regina for a visit with Dave’s sister and we camped overnight in Jasper. It never crossed our minds to think that we would freeze to death in our tent in summer in the middle of the Rocky Mountain forest. We were fast learners, let me tell you. Not a whole lot of sleep that night. We travelled on hoping to stop for the night somewhere in Saskatchewan never realizing there would be no tress to speak of. We were spoiled with BC forest campgrounds. Not finding any trees, we opted for a motel room. We were more experienced on the return trip.

Lots of good camping experiences. I could share memories all night but I’d better quit.

I am doing well, in spite of the heat. Life is quiet around here. The biggest excitement currently, aside from the fence, is the bunny eating all the tender plants in the neighborhood. I have a feeling he’s alone and sticks pretty close to places he knows. Sad for us.

Have a great weekend.

Still praying God’s blessing and strength for you and your family.

♥ J

Photo by GEORGE DESIPRIS on Pexels.com

This and that July 18, 2021

I’ve discovered it’s best to date these things. They all merge together otherwise. Indistinguishable.

It’s warm out there! That the biggest thing on my mind at this moment. Usually it starts to cool off a little by 7 PM but not tonight. I went out to do some watering and quickly changed my mind. Later.

The highlight of the week was last night’s family Zoom call. Most of us live thousands of miles apart. We enjoy one another but we are not good at staying in touch. In all honesty, I’d have to admit that would be a gross understatement. Since we’ve committed to a Zoom call once a month, we are doing much better at connecting and we are having a lot of fun. The next call is going to fall on my birthday, how nice is that!

So, the other thing on my mind this week was tied up with a comment I made the other day about a writing project I had in mind. I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time but even more so lately. It seemed like it was time to do something about it so this weekend I did put some hours into it and wrote something. In the end, I didn’t use any of it.

I’m surprised about the level of unexpected relief I felt.

Part of the impetus for this writing project was to have a place where I could fill the need to rant and rave once in a while. I couldn’t do it here, didn’t want to do it here, I felt like it would spoil everything.

Anyway, I created another space, wrote an introductory piece with a small rant at the end, and struggled with getting the site set up the way I wanted it. No matter what I did nothing was going right.

By the time I decided to give it all up and deleted the new blog, my rant had lost it’s steam and I felt a lightness I didn’t have earlier.

Sometimes it’s healthy to visit the dark places but sometimes it’s not. There already is an over abundance of negative self-talk going on in my head I don’t need more. It feels healthier, for the most part, to stick to the lighter side of things in my communications with the world.

Part of my reason for wanting a place to rant was to work my way through some of the life long issues that surface from time to time. Writing and talking can be very therapeutic.

The subject of my short rant was acknowledging, for the first time, that my parents were selfish, immature teenager/young adults making unhealthy decisions and choices without a worry over whose life would be negatively affected. I can’t believe that they would unthinkingly do what they did.

While it was healthy to face this truth, I could see that to camp on the negative side of my life, while creating content for a new blog on a regular basis, would be injurious to my emotional health.

I’m so glad I’ve got that all figured out.

Maybe for future needs, I can work through the issue in my mind and then reduce it to a short paragraph. That should take care of everything

There is one more truth recently discovered but I’ll save that topic for another time. It’s a very encouraging truth. I must share it with my brothers.

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Currently I’m reading book one in a three book collection.

A Family to Love by Cindy M Amos and several others

Skinny Ranch Romance – Cindy M. Amos
When a hometown parade explodes with violence targeted at obese onlookers, District Judge Ilie Walton is forced to team with former classmate Traynor Henning for a trial reduction program for the victims. None too pleased over the partnership with Tray, Ilie claims to remain blind to his Zach Efron good looks in the name of justice. As the fence lengthens and the pounds melt off volunteer participants, Tray’s devotion softens her resolve, launching a romantic partnership. When new evidence emerges on a cold case involving a death at their senior class party, Ilie insists that justice prevail, though it threatens to sever their tenuous relationship. Tired of bearing the guilt, Tray faces off with his buddy Rex about what really happened that day in his boat. When the cold case turns red hot, will Ilie stand with the hardworking rancher—or do justice and reconciliation take two separate paths?

The scales of justice possess keen discernment, yet love never needed a final verdict to overcome.

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This is the one recently finished

Dearly Loved: Second Chance Christian Romance

The lovesick daydreams of Meredith Ambrose’s teenage years for neighborhood heartthrob David Steller have faded into uncomfortable memories-until he lands in a hospital bed in her unit where she works as an R.N.

David came to the Northwest to look her up-he just didn’t plan on their reunion occurring with him on a gurney. Can he prove he’s really changed after all these years? (Christian romance)

Happy Reading!!

A little of this and that July 08, 2021

I felt like celebrating! It’s been a long year of work related complex challenges and steep learning curves. That’s what happens when government agencies implement major updates in their departments leaving their users scrambling to deal with it. Today I cleared the last hurdle and I felt like partying. Too bad I was alone and it’s a work day.

I’m still feeling just as pleased and relieved, hours later.

On the other hand though, there was a thread of sadness running through my day. A beloved family member is experiencing declining health and all of us in the family are sad to see it. A very special lady. In her better days she was vibrant and full of energy. Always on the go, a force to be reckoned with. The stories we could tell are endless..

Speaking of stories. I have nothing to offer in the way of new books. No good suggestions from any direction today.

I did finish a book that I liked a lot, though. It’s still a bargain.

Hard Landing (Hope Landing Romantic Suspense Book 1)

Two wary souls get a second chance at love…if a killer doesn’t find them first.
When a stalker turns to murder, pilot Kelli Spencer needs protection. What she doesn’t need is her old love Jack Reese
returning to stir things up, but the former Navy SEAL and his team of protection specialists are the best of the best.

Trust him with her life? If she has to. Trust him with her heart? No way.

The last time Jack left, he made it clear married life held no appeal. Ten years later, he wastes no time letting her know he hasn’t changed. Not that she’d be fool enough to hope.

As the commander of Knight Tactical, Jack jumps at the chance to protect Kelli and take down a killer, but as soon as she’s safe, he plans to shake the dust of the small mountain town off his feet again…until he realizes he never should have left the first time.

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I’ve barely started a new book. It starts off with a life threatening situation before it’s hardly even gone two pages. Reminds me of the opening scenes of Criminal Minds TV series. It seemed like a perfect time to work on a blog post.

I guess I need to remind myself they won’t be killing off the main character this close to the beginning.

Deadly Chances: Five romantic suspenses where couples outrace danger and take a chance on love

The one I’m reading:

DANGEROUS VICTORY
Car mechanic Valerie watched her father die in a fiery wreck and she can’t admit to herself that she’s in love with a Nascar race car driver Jackson, especially after he’s also injured in a crash. But when a stranger shows up, terrorizing her about a mysterious delivery from her uncle, Jackson is the only one who can navigate the danger with Valerie. It’s a race for survival, and a high speed adventure in love.

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I guess I’d better go back and see if she survived to see chapter two. This is still a bargain as well. Good deal.

Happy Reading.

Perfect timing

It’s amazing how it happens. Perfect timing.

Yesterday’s post shared the idea of counselling in a book. Check it out here if you missed it… Love is a Choice

This morning, waiting in my inbox, was the regular email notification for the weekly podcast I follow faithfully. The content is always interesting and helpful, on a variety of topics. Today’s topic was especially meaningful on the heels of yesterday’s book. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, the two books fit so well together.

The subject line of the email was an attention grabber.

A specific type of writing that will combat anxiety, depression, and symptoms from past trauma.

There was no way I could walk away from this podcast and leave it for another day. It had to be today. I watched it twice, it was packed that full. .

Today’s interviewee has written a book called The Power of Writing it Down.

Part of author/writing coach Allison Fallon’s target audience is the same crowd flocking to read Love is a Choice... Count me in.

The Power of Writing It Down: A Simple Habit to Unlock Your Brain and Reimagine Your Life

Partial Amazon synopsis:

For anyone who’s trying to make sense of their life, who wants to get unstuck from the patterns that hold them back, hear this incredible news: everything you need for the freedom you want is entirely within reach. This practice and pathway is free, it’s readily available every day of your life, it takes just minutes of your time, and anyone can do it. 

Author, writing coach, and speaker Allison Fallon’s life transformed when she discovered the power of a daily writing practice. As it turns out, using your words is one of the most powerful means you have for unlocking your life. The Power of Writing It Down is your guide to this transformative tool available to us all. In as little as five to twenty minutes a day, scientific research shows this daily practice can help you: 

  • Identify your ruts and create new neurological grooves toward better habits
  • Find fresh motivation and take ownership of your life
  • Heal from past pain and trauma
  • Relieve anxiety and depression
  • Contextualize life’s setbacks and minor frustrations
  • Live a more confident, balanced, and healthy life
  • …and so much more

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In the podcast interview she explains Expressive Writing well and mentioned that the writing talked about in her book is not regular writing and it’s not journaling. It makes a lot of sense.

The idea is to write down your deepest thought and feelings. I have experienced what she means when she says this type of writing accesses the subconscious part of the brain where the conscious is often not allowed.

This is basically what I do when I write my this and that posts. What comes out is often a surprise. With some of the posts, like I mentioned at the time of writing them, I was in the midst of angst and felt so much better when I was talked out. To really get into it, though, I expect most of it would not be something we’d want to share publicly.

I recommend listening to the interview before reading the book. I’m glad I did because hearing and seeing her will make the words on the page that much more real.

Practicing this form of writing will be helpful to everyone, not just the most broken among us.

Here is the link. Enjoy, and buy the book if it makes sense to you. I think you will be glad you did.

I haven’t been as intentional with this type of writing as is encouraged in her book. From ignorance, really. I want to try it her way, to see what the difference will be in my life.

I’m hoping you will discover this along with me.

Happy listening, reading, and writing.

A helpful resource – professional counselling in book form

The level of professional counselling we need is sometimes not easily found. That was the case for me a decade or two ago and this book was a life saver. It was written as a joint effort by the Minirth/Meir group, both of them psychiatrists, joined by a third person, a psychologist.

The book starts off talking about codependency. That’s not the way I remember it from my first reading. It’s funny how that goes. The parts I remember are the ones explaining what happened to me, how it has affected me, and the broken way I do life as a result. Understanding opened many life changing doors in my thinking.

Of all of the many books I’ve read this one was the most comprehensive and impacting. It was written to be a counselor to those without access to one. It covers the subject well enough to be a textbook written in layman’s terms.

I’ve shared this book here before but feel inspired to share it again.

I was speaking with a long time friend today, catching up on our lives and families. Stuff happens in our families and sometimes there is brokenness left undiscovered for decades.

I’ve been thinking about our conversation for most of the day and tonight remembered about this book that could be helpful in their situation. So, this is for my friend, to share as she sees fit.

It’s for you too (as reader) if this would be helpful in your life.

One more comment. I remember interpreting the title and certain phrases in the synopsis in a negative way.

Reality was nothing like my expectations. Supportive, kind, understanding, helpful; these are all words I would use to describe the experience. And, validation.

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Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

Amazon quote:

Let go of unhealthy relationships with the book that more than 850K people have trusted.

Best-selling doctors, Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, walk you through their ten proven stages to recovery from codependency that results from external circumstances.

Humans are susceptible to codependency because of our sinful tendency to use defense mechanisms to fool ourselves. In codependent relationships, deceitful games are played, and important Christian principles are often taken out of context and abused.

God wants us to have healthy relationships with a balance between being dependent and independent. The doctors describe how the most effective means of overcoming codependent relationships is to establish or deepen a relationship with Christ Himself.

They describe the causes of codependency, pointing out the factors that perpetuate it, and lead readers through their ten stages of recovery.

Continue a deeper study with the Love Is a Choice workbook, available separately.

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Read this prayerfully with a surrendered heart and mind. I say this because our defense mechanisms can have us locked up so tight that helpful thoughts cannot penetrate the armor we have going on. Work on wanting to know. Work on believing there is hope, and that you are worth so much more than what you’ve been told.

♥

Another installment of this and that

The weather fluctuations are crazy. Last week the highs were over 30 degrees celsius and now today the furnace is on. And I’m still cold.

I’m restless too. That’s the reason why I’m dong this now. Get a few things off my chest so maybe I can settle down and sleep tonight.

I’m still thinking about yesterday’s post where the discussion started with an app on my cell phone that was driving me crazy and then morphed into a discussion about trust issues and fear.

A few things bother me out of that story. One is, I know there are readers who understand and empathize with discussions about abuse, triggers, and PTSD and then there are others who don’t. It’s the readers who don’t that trouble me.

There are other readers who are glad to hear these stories, it validates things they have endured. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles.

Another thing that bothers me; those who would say it’s all in the past why can’t you lay it aside, stop rehashing it and move on.

That’s the thing, I’m not reliving anything, ever. My subconscious mind won’t let me. My conscious mind knows enough (it steers away and refuses to think) that the two are in collusion and neither one will let me remember traumatic events. Small details, discussions, memories over the course of many years have allowed me to piece together a hazy but accurate picture of what went on. My mind just shuts down and closes up shop at the mention of this subject.

Reactions, mostly inappropriate (as in not fitting to the situation) such as the one I had regarding a new app on my phone, one that should have been no big deal. A well adjusted mind would thought – interesting, wonder what that’s about – and then explored to figure it out. I viewed it as an enemy trying to impose unwanted interference in my life.

It’s only been a few months since I’ve started to look closely at these reactions, to try and unpack what is going on in my head when it happens. I would name my emotional reaction as the panic you have when a hated spider comes near and you jump, scream, and run. I don’t actually do those things but the emotions running through me feel exactly like that. Get away, get away, get away!!!

To be afraid of something, there has to have been a traumatic encounter of some sort somewhere along the line. The trouble is I have no conscious memories to help me figure these things out. On the other hand, I’m sure it’s a bigger blessing that I can’t remember. There are a few disturbing words that I know apply to me. Good thing I can’t remember what happened.

There is one shadowy memory that has been with me forever it seems. It took many decades for me to figure out what it meant, not that I was trying, or wanting to know. In fact it was the opposite. My curiosity level was zero.

More recently I’ve figured out who was there for that event. There was one man who disapproved of the situation but stayed to protect me as best he could. I can’t explain the gratitude I feel now when I think of him and that memory.

Anyway, that’s enough for this time. My anxiety level has dropped and it’s time for sleep. Any more would probably be counter-productive anyway.

When I started this I wanted to express this story in a way that didn’t feel cryptic or disjointed. I’m not sure that I’ve succeeded.

Now if I had more time … 🙂