We all have a story

I’ve been thinking October 17, 2021

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I’ve had this post in mind for two days now but it was on forgiveness, a comment yesterday changed my trajectory.

The observation was that I love books but people?… not so much.

At first I agreed with that assessment. It’s true I do have deep trust issues and live a solitary life on a day to day basis.

This morning I woke up feeling an overwhelming love for people. This is not uncommon. I’ve experienced this most of my life.

This last while, I’ve been troubled, not able to identify how both could be true, trust and distrust. Especially when it came to men. My dad was abusive. I have two brothers, they were abused. I hated my dad but loved my brothers? Is that what’s behind it? It doesn’t seem to fit but if not that, then what?

Take for example, my neighbor: I’ve shared with her some of my story. She has first hand knowledge of my struggle with trust issues and triggers. I’ve accepted her event invitations and cancelled at the last minute because I knew men would be there and I couldn’t make myself go. And yet… if we were standing in her drive way with her husband and he cracked a joke I was relaxed enough to laugh. I could tell by her body language that she was not happy and was now doubting my story. Which is true? The uptight or the relaxed?

So, how can I love and not love at the same time?

This morning I’m reminded, a survival tool for the severally abused is compartmentalization.

When I’m conscious of me and what I’m feeling, and people get too close – triggers happen, I’m reacting and not liking it.

When I forget about me entirely and my focus is completely on the other person, I feel empathy and love. I’m open and relaxed.

Where does all of this come from?

This morning I’m recognizing, it’s coming from my inner circle, the place where only three humans have ever been, or should have been. It would be truer to say they should have been there but all three chose to live outside of it, emotionally unavailable to me. One of them chose to visit the inner circle occasionally but only physically and in an abusive way.

Now, when I struggle with relating to people as the focus is directed toward me, I’m realizing it’s the result of the trauma inflicted on me by three. That’s one compartment.

There is another compartment where God shows up in the inner circle. This was my place of refuge in traumatic times. God was always there and has continued to be there, emotionally available to me my whole life.

This is how I can love and not love at the same time.

Wherever possible, I choose to love with the love I’ve experienced with God in the second compartment.

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The original thought for this post was – How could I be forgiving?

That’s a big question and I still want to share my story. Soon, maybe.

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This and that, on the lighter side October 06, 2021

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What to talk about, anyway? It looks like this will have to be a just-start-talking post since I have nothing in my head that I want to talk about and I do want to keep my daily post commitment. It needs to be on the lighter side though, to make up for the heavy duty posts of the last three days.

Maybe the weather seems like a good choice to start off with.

I feel sorry for my co-workers in northern British Columbia. It’s currently 1 C up there and they had their first snowfall of the season yesterday. That’s way too early. They weren’t all that happy with me when I shared it was 27 C here in southern Manitoba (I work remotely and mostly I’m grateful for that). It’s just as warm here again today. They were talking about us breaking records yesterday but I forgot to listen to see if it happened. I imagine there could have been snowfall records broken up there too.

I couldn’t tease my co-worker today about suffering in the cold as they were out of the office travelling, yesterday and today. They had to go to southern Alberta to a doggy dentist, that’s a ten hour drive. It will be interesting to hear what the roads were like.

It’s crazy how no two years ever seem to be alike when it comes to weather.

With it being such a nice day here today, I was out in the yard for a while trying to take care of weeds. It was impossible to accomplish though as there are piles of leaves everywhere covering things up. There are many trees in my backyard and a giant one next door, a prolific leaf producer.

Last year I raked and managed to keep ahead of them but this year I’m not even going to try. The lawn guys will clean up the leaves and cart them away for me. They do a much better job than I can do, anyway. When they are done the yard will be beautiful and I can easily tackle the last of the weed cleanup.

Working at my job so I can afford to pay for yard clean-up is a win-win situation for this old lady!

Today was not a good day for books. There were a few suggestions but I didn’t see anything I wanted to read.

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I’m not thrilled with my current read so I’ll pick out an up-next book to finish up with.

When Chelsea starts working for a stubborn cowboy, what seems like a dead end might really be a new beginning. 

A horrific accident changed everything for Parker Wilson. The beautiful new employee his mom hires is the last thing he needs and he’ll do whatever it takes to make the girl quit and regain the peace and quiet he prefers.

Nothing short of desperation would force Chelsea Blake to work on a local cattle ranch. She may not be cut out for ranch life, but her determination to succeed is stronger than her handsome employer’s efforts at forcing her to leave. 

Unprepared to discover all they have in common, if they set aside their initial dislike, they might find joy beyond measure.

Happy Reading!

A little clarification October 05, 2021

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A friend asked me for clarification on my Outing Myself post. I did consider the possibility in using the outing term that some minds would quickly go where her’s did. There are a few reasons why my friends minds would. Partly because of the most common usage for the term, but mostly because many of them know there are no men in my life and haven’t been for decades. I’m sure some people wonder.

If there were to be a romantic interest in my life it would be a man. Despite an abusive childhood and a not so great adulthood, it is still the choice I’d make.

On the other hand though, when thoughts of sharing my life with a man pass through my mind, the shadowy image that pops into my head is one I immediately run away from. I know, I know, there are good men out there somewhere. They are all taken. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Back to the original question. Aside from being “click bait” (made you look!) I felt like the term applied to my situation. I was hiding who I was, on my blog. On purpose. The decision to change that on the blog felt like a coming out. (everyone on Facebook already knew, no secret there)

Agree or disagree with my assessment, that’s how I felt.

I think secrets are like that. The longer we keep them the bigger they become in our minds. Going public with them, even if it’s only to one person, releases the power they have over us.

That’s why I felt relief. I’m an old lady, let the chips fall where they may.

Although, according to new information, with people living longer and all, I still have a few more years to refer to myself as middle-aged. Who’da thought! lol

Don’t tell anyone. I’m an over thinker. What can I say.

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My current read. I loved the first book with Pepper Basham, I’m starting book 2 with Cara Putman

I am feeling relieved October 04, 2021

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It’s true. And unexpected. I would have done it long ago if I’d known it would make this big a difference in my anxiety levels.

By now, many of you have read my coming out in the open post. It can be found here if you’ve not read it. Basically it’s purpose was to admit that I am much older than pretty much all of my readers. I don’t feel like I’m older but pictures don’t lie.

I don’t really know what people think about my admission as there’s not been enough reaction to give me any hints. I’m OK with that though. I’ll just keep on being me, as authentically as I can, and see what happens. If I manage to write some things people like to read maybe they will forget to care about age.

One thing I’ve long understood, it’s easier to be real if you don’t care what people think. On some levels I care more than is healthy, on other levels I care very little. That’s how I made it through high school. Marching to the beat of my own drum, not worried if I was the only one.

Anyway, I feel more relaxed now that my secret is out there.

This is especially good since I have been thinking about possible new directions this blog could take in the near future. I love finding good deals and blogging about books but it seems to be getting a little tired, sticking to the same theme almost exclusively. Not everyone has the appetite for books that I do and their to-be-read pile fills up very quickly leaving them with little reason to come back.

The This and That posts have been attracting the most attention, I’m finding.

We will see how the future looks depending on the direction inspiration takes it.

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In the meantime, there were book suggestions today but I rejected them all. Mostly because we’ve seen them before, but also because I didn’t love them all that much. I prefer telling you about great stories if I can.

I will mention the one just finished tonight.

It’s hard to know sometimes, when we see the promotional blurb, whether it will be a bona fide story or something sappy. This story was anything but sappy. It was well written, well developed, and held my interest – beginning to end. I loved this book.

Marrying Mandy (Brides of Clearwater Book 1) 

A marriage of convenience might be crazy…or an answer to both of their prayers.

Mandy Hudson swore she’d never marry. Abandoned by her parents and raised by her grandparents, she has a hard time trusting that real love will last. When her grandmother dies, Mandy is shocked to discover a stipulation in the will. Considering marriage to her best friend may be the only way to keep her family’s beloved bed-and-breakfast.

The loss of his job threatens Preston Yarrow’s shaky financial stability. Besides, he can’t watch his best friend give up the only real home she’s ever known. Frustrated by Mandy’s stubborn refusal to let him help, he’s certain they are stronger together than they are apart.

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It’s still FREE if you are interested.

It will be exciting to see what is going to happen next. I feel like there is change coming but I have no idea what it will look like.

It will be a surprise.

In the meantime, keep reading.

Reading changes us, helps us grow.

Embrace it, learn to love it.

Read books that bring out the best in you and make you a better person.

That’s what I do and I like who I am becoming.

Join me in the march.

I’m outing myself.

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The reason I haven’t done it sooner, preferring anonymity, is because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore if you knew the truth.

At this point I don’t think it will be much of a surprise to anyone, as I’ve been leaving lots of hints. I’m sure you may have already guessed anyway.

I don’t know why, but age has never really meant a whole lot to me when it comes to relating to people. I’m attracted to who they are and what they are all about. Do we share common interests? Do we enjoy talking to each other?

Currently, the person I relate to best in the company I work for is the young thirty-and-a-bit gal on my team. We each have our part to play in the process we are responsible for and we support one other in whatever way is needed. We enjoy hanging out, especially if it involves ice cream.

You may suspect I am past retirement age and you would be right. I have no plans to quit anytime soon and some of my clients are counting on it. lol

I’m not taking a job away from a younger person. So far we haven’t found anyone who wants it, and I think it’s funny. It’s true, I might not want it either if I were new to it today. I’ve grown into the job as it’s changed hugely over the last nine years and it would be much a bigger challenge now, having to start from scratch.

On the other hand, challenges and learning new things keeps a person young.

Talking about young, there’s a meme out right now that makes me laugh, and it fits me perfectly.

It says: my mind thinks I’m 35. My body tells my mind it’s an idiot.

It’s easy to forget how old I am until I pass a mirror or try to attack the garden like I did a few years ago.

One thing is sure about getting old; it’s going to happen to everyone. I’m grateful that I’ve gotten to be the age I am, not everyone makes it this far.

I’m grateful I can still think like I’m 35 and some days I can even behave like it. Not everyone has the health to do it.

I’m grateful that I see people, not age. I love hanging out with the teenagers in my family, well not just my family, other people’s too. Not everyone does, but we won’t talk about them. I feel blessed.

I feel blessed by the smiles on our faces. We haven’t seen much of each other through the years, with their family living in China and all. These two are home now and we are going to have a good time.

These guys take after my brothers in the height department.

We took this picture at their father’s request. He wanted to see us together, missing us all.

It’s not easy letting your kids go.

We promise to do a better job of keeping them in the loop.

Josh, in the red shirt, likes to cook and he knows how to get great treats when he wants them. Zach, the tall one, is not used to baked goods as they are uncommon in China. Ingredients are not easy to find. This will be an adventure for him.

Not sure what he was thinking… probably, go way
By the looks of this it must have turned out OK

This and that at the end of the day.

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This is a time when I just start talking and see where it goes. Usually it starts with a thought, an undeveloped thought. That’s how this one went. A thought and need to stop the endless round and round. It helped. Not sure it makes sense. 🙂 Also, I’m trying hard to be careful, which is constricting, for a few reasons. I hope this gives you hope.

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There is so much going on these days, Scary stuff, if we look at it closely. It’s easy to automatically expect the worst because we don’t have the ability to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

I spent a lot of time tonight watching news clips from contributors who seem more interested in honest journalism than biased manipulation. It’s good to keep up with what’s going on in the world but there is a downside to it. It’s draining and discouraging.

In response to tonight’s viewing session I’m writing to let out some of the angst and negativity. Maybe it will help me gain a new perspective.

All of my life there have been regularly occurring dire predictions about what was going to happen to the world one day. Time lines were built and we lived in fear, differing degrees of it depending on the whether. Whether or not someone, or something, seemed like more or less of a threat at that particular moment.

It was easy to believe that there would be a moment in time when destruction would take over and we would be forced to live in apocalyptic desolation and torment. I think many of us still live with that dreadful expectation. We believe that one day evil will take over the world and we will be living in slavery and punishment. Life as we know it will be over.

Decades-long thinking have been acting as a foundation to the thought pattern that resulted in my discouragement tonight. Intentionally or not, we are programmed to think the way others decided that we should.

What if we are wrong about the predictions of how things are going to go? What if we have been looking at things from the wrong perspective?

You might call me a little crazy, thinking like this but I know these worries are real. Especially with the newest generation growing into adulthood. Their view of the world is serious and worried. They are regularly being presented with possible catastrophic events and for some of them the future of life looks hopeless. I can relate to what they are feeling. I remember as a middle teen lying in bed worrying about aircraft overhead, wondering if it was a Russian bomber coming to get us. After all, how many times had we been told the Russians are coming to take over the world, be ready.

Ok, we won’t keep going on with that thought pattern but worries are real, in our minds at least.

By the way; the Russians did not come, aggressive threats went away, and after awhile life went on and we forgot we were ever worried. Until now. When things seem to be heating up again.

In the normal scheme of life, never mind what’s gong on right now, we seem to grow the most when we experience hard and difficult places. I’ve heard more than one person say I would never want to go through cancer again but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I’m different because of it.

What if – instead of punishment and destruction coming in our future, it’s something entirely different? What if – the purpose of these earth shaking events is not to defeat us, but to cause us to rise up and grow?

Globally, as a culture we have become weak, lethargic, and apathetic. Most of us have never had the chance or the need to stand up and fight for something.

What if the reason for the hard place we’re currently living in is to cause us to get up out of our soft chairs and become Olympic champions. What if we are being called to rise to a challenge, to become more than we ever thought possible.

Most of us will never be Olympic champions or Navy Seals but what if there is some need close to home that we could become passionate about filling?

I think that’s the secret right there. Passion.

Most of us think … but what could I do?

Paying attention to our surroundings will help us see needs we would normally miss.

So, I got a little off track with that train of thought.

What if – the purpose of these earth shaking events is not inevitable defeat but to strengthen us so that we are useful and evil doesn’t have to win?

I like this view for the future much better than the inevitable one of defeat.

This took much longer than expected, and my brain is fried.

I hope this makes sense to you the way it did in my head.

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I think – We are not meant to be overcome but to be over-comers.

Be encouraged.

The Superpower of the Calm Technique

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I just watched the most amazing and helpful video podcast I’ve seen in a long time and I just had to share. It’s called The Superpower of the Calm Technique with Jennifer Kolari. I like learning how to do life better and how deal with triggers and reactions. This was so helpful.

She is qualified, wise, and articulate. Such a educational and eyeopening experience listening to/watching what she has to say about learning to respond rather than react. Conflicts in a relationship will loose their steam if we practice her techniques. They’ve done some role plays to demonstrate the way it will work. It was interesting to see how the calming influence changed the dynamics even in a pretend situation. Very cool.

Some of the concepts she presents I`ve kind of heard before but she explains things with new information I’ve not heard and it all makes such good sense.

Carey Nieuwhof introduces it this way – Jennifer Kolari on How to Deal with Irrational People, Customers and Team Members, and the Superpower of the CALM Technique.

Usually Carey`s interviewees have written a book but they didn`t talk about it this time although she has written at least one. In a YouTube search I found she has a lot of content related to parenting although she does a lot of corporate consulting as well.

I’m positive you will find this helpful in life’s situations if you are into good emotional health and productive relationships. Check it out.

This and that August 14, 2021

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So, first off this morning, I’m catching up on sites I follow on YouTube. This particular guy is prolific and it’s very easy to fall behind on his channels.

I love the video I’m about to share and I think you will love it too.

The creator of this series is a Hollywood producer, he has worked on shows like Entertainment Tonight and other shows you may recognize. I can’t think of them all at the moment but I can tell you this… he knows how to do a good job.

He is not just a producer, he also a writer working on the script for an outer space type movie that doesn’t yet have a name.

While researching to make sure his script is production ready he formed a connection with an astrophysicist who, it turns out, is excited about his project. They clicked as like-minded people even though they work in vastly different disciplines. Out of this unlikely friendship they’ve created another video project, totally unrelated to the original film idea.

This explanation may be clear as mud but if you watch their first introductory video explaining how they met and what they are trying to do, it will make more sense.

They have many videos in the new series, already edited and ready to go. This lets us know it’s not a bright idea that will fizzle out after a couple of episodes.

These guys are interesting and funny. They have good chemistry and are relaxed with each other, which makes the watching experience enjoyable. The content is excellent and that makes it even better.

I enjoy listening to these guys and I’m very much looking forward to more. They have a new release scheduled for Saturday mornings, 6 am California time.

Check this out. Jeff and Mike

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Mike is currently on a road trip that started just this morning, well technically he left home last night but couldn’t have gone far. The idea of the trip is to share grassroots America with his fellow countrymen as well as the rest of the world. He’s hardly left home and is already posting short clips on some of his other channels.

This guy is a Type A personality with ADD. He has new ideas popping out everywhere… but he produces and he’s interesting to watch.

At least many of us think so.

He has his detractors like most everyone else on line these days. I’ve heard it said of leaders… if everyone loves you – you’re not doing it right. He must be doing something right.

I’m sure I will share more from this guy. He has a bunch of other channels, with different focus and goals in mind. He also has several episodes he does with his mom. She is an interesting lady and has an exceptional story to tell.

But that will be a post for another day.

Oops, I see he just posted another video on this channel about his mom, must go watch it.

There’s a good chance you will see more from me later on.

Happy Watching and Reading

Another this and that August 06, 2021

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I think there is something wrong with me. I don’t feel like reading.

Shocking!

I’ve finished the book I was reading and can’t seem to settle on any of the five or six that are next in line. This rarely happens, I must be sick or something.

Maybe it’s or something. My mind has been pulled in a number of different directions today and right now it’s hard to settle down to a quiet occupation like reading.

One of the things I’ve been dwelling on this evening is the subject of the next couple of chapters read in the book called The Power of Writing It Down. The author makes a case for writing as a way to improve our health. Studies have demonstrated a change in moods by writing 20 minutes a day for two weeks, an effect that lasts for an even longer period of time.

The authors name is Allison Fallon. Allison is a writing coach and she has a large team of people working with her. Her book has come out of her personal and corporate experiences and in my mind that gives her credibility. The kind of writing addressed in this book is called expressive writing. Medical researchers have studied brain activity during writing experiences and they found that different parts of the brain would light up during different types of writing. What Allison calls expressive writing comes from the subconscious part of the brain rather than the conscious part where we live most of the time.

Today’s chapters talked about writing when we don’t feel inspired. We have nothing to say and yet if we sit quietly, meditatively, and we gradually set aside the conscious noise about all the things our mind goes to when we are supposed to be working or listening; something changes. Our mind becomes focused on a single thought and as we start to write, a conversation happens.

At the end, we read over what we’ve written, in amazement. Where did that come from? I wasn’t even thinking about any of that when I sat down and yet here it is.

Allison stresses that writing out of the subconscious helps us discover who we really are, not who we have made ourselves out to be to please others. It can be a little scary, thinking about what might come out of our subconscious. Maybe, hopefully, it will be positive more often than we might think.

I’ve experienced a little of this writing what I didn’t expect phenomenon while working on some of these this and that posts. I think they have turned out to be some of the best ones. Reader response seems to bear that out.

In the end. Writing like this was a very emotional experience and I was left with a pleasant aura that stayed with me for hours. It was very positive and I would love to have it happen many more times. Maybe it will as I practice this type of writing more often.

I know you have questions so I’ll say this…

The pleasant aura was kind of like when you read a extra specially good book or watch a movie that leaves you with an awww kind of feeling. Or when you do something that turns out so much better than expected and you can’t help but keep looking at it, thinking about how much you love it. And, at the same time you are thinking I can’t believe I just did that.

This turned out way different, and so much better than I visualized going in to this post. I was wanting to practice expressive writing tonight but I was worried at the same time. I’m feeling a big sigh of relief at the way this all went.

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I think I can settle down now and read a book for awhile.

Happy writing and happy reading.

Check out Allison’s book, maybe it will inspire you and meet a need, all at the same time.

There was one more exciting thought on my mind tonight but I will save it for another post.

Later.

How was your week?

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This was a letter to a friend tonight, chatting and asking about her week. It was fun to remember good days gone by and I thought it would be nice to share memories with you too. This takes place in Canada.

How was your week? Was the weather warmer than you’d like? Did you have a chance to get to the mainland to see the kids?

Our weather has been warm again the last few days. It makes me very grateful for A/C when temps are in the 30s. I like to be outside when it’s working though because cold air blowing around makes me shiver. I sit on the deck with a book and a coffee to enjoy the heat. I don’t work in the yard though, exertion in heat like that is a killer. My body doesn’t handle overheated very well anymore. I wait for evenings and mornings to garden.

We’ve had air quality alerts with all the smoke hanging around from the many forest fires between Saskatchewan, here, and western Ontario. We don’t have nearly as many fires as you do in BC but still, there’s been enough smoke to reduce visibility and turn what sun we could see orange. We’ve had rain with thunder and lightning where I live. The rain seems to be localized. Some areas get it and others don’t. The farmers are having a hard time of it. Some are selling off their herds as they are having trouble with feeding them.

One of my neighbors has been replacing part of his fence due to the weather. It had a definite list to it after one of the big storms whipping through at the end of May. The wind can get really wild around here with major storms . Watching the poor trees taking a beating and listening to roar of the wind, always makes me think of being out on the water. Between the number of years spent near the ocean in North Vancouver, Prince Rupert, and then Chemainus, there must be scary memories buried somewhere in my subconscious data bank.

I guess the ocean wasn’t the only place we experienced scary times. One year, when Gerald was four months old, we were camping in a tent at Mara Lake in the Okanagan. A big storm whipped up on the lake, strong enough to take out trees. We were hiding in our tent through it all, fortunately we were in the middle of a field and it didn’t last long. The campers parked among the trees closer to the beach were not as lucky, several had trees fall on them (the vehicles, not the people, thankfully.) I’ll never forget that trip.

The other strong memory I have from that holiday was staying among the trees (apricots) in an orchard turned campground. That’s what you call diversification. It was at the south end of Okanagan Lake on the eastern shore. It was pretty and different. It was hot too. So hot that my can of baby formula was wrecked. Who knew? I was a new mom with little baby food experience.

Of course, this also reminds me of our first summer camping trip about six years earlier. We were headed to Regina for a visit with Dave’s sister and we camped overnight in Jasper. It never crossed our minds to think that we would freeze to death in our tent in summer in the middle of the Rocky Mountain forest. We were fast learners, let me tell you. Not a whole lot of sleep that night. We travelled on hoping to stop for the night somewhere in Saskatchewan never realizing there would be no tress to speak of. We were spoiled with BC forest campgrounds. Not finding any trees, we opted for a motel room. We were more experienced on the return trip.

Lots of good camping experiences. I could share memories all night but I’d better quit.

I am doing well, in spite of the heat. Life is quiet around here. The biggest excitement currently, aside from the fence, is the bunny eating all the tender plants in the neighborhood. I have a feeling he’s alone and sticks pretty close to places he knows. Sad for us.

Have a great weekend.

Still praying God’s blessing and strength for you and your family.

♥ J

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