Grandma’s Gallery – drawn at age 84 “People think I traced,” grandma said with a chuckle as she showed me her newest collection of artwork, “but I drew these myself.” ——– “I’m 84 years old and I can touch my toes.” As my grandma spoke these words, she chuckled and smiled wide. I knew it well…

via Grandma’s Smile — Bamboo Sketches

This morning while waking up at an ungodly time after making the trip to see my sister in Las Vegas, I finally opened up my electronic devices only to find of one million messages. Out of the million or so messages that were awaiting me, I saw the flash to accept a new comment on […]

via On coincidences, God’s punishments as gifts and loving the thing you’re supposed to hate — God is in your typewriter

“Grandma had a minor stroke, but she’s recovering,” read the first message. She’ll get better, I thought. I know my grandma. “Grandma is having a hard time eating and speaking,” the next message read, “but she’s out of the critical period. Baby steps in forward motion.” She’ll get better, I thought. I know my grandma.…

via Just Like My Grandma — Bamboo Sketches

A new page has been added for non fiction books helpful on my journey. Also added on my profile is a link to a site I’ve followed for a number of years. Heart to Heart Counseling Center, with Doug Weiss Ph.D, it has been a major contributor to my healing journey and I want to share it for anyone who could benefit from this site. They have a large selection of helpful books and DVDs.

Two of the books quoted regularly in the weekly emails were Married and Alone, and  Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage. The quotes were life changing for me, I think it’s time to read the books, so I’ve downloaded them.

I will share my thoughts on these two books in a later post.

In the meantime, check out the new page, if it would be helpful to you on your journey.

Blessings!

Janette

A long, hermit like season of my life seems to be coming to an end. This is good news.

A season unbearable in some ways, yet profoundly healing in others. It has been a painful time of honesty ending in a deepening relationship with the One who has travelled every step of life’s journey with me and has waited decades for the right time to reveal, mend, and restore the broken places.

Now, as the tail end of this healing season is in sight, I realize it dealt primarily with childhood issues, and very little with those of my adult life. This makes me sad because I was hoping for both. The distressing thing is, there is no clear picture in my mind of what it would take for this to happen, in regard to my adult life. I try to figure out what is still missing, forgiveness? Understanding? The missing pieces elude me.

The last few weeks I’ve been thinking back on how this hermit journey started. Life events show it started the first moment I allowed myself to take an honest look at my adult situation. Funny how that works sometimes. Deal with one era by bringing change in another.

This time of honesty turned out to be the beginning of many changes.

From the very early days of our marriage there was a deep knowing that something wasn’t right but there was nothing to indicate what it was. I still don’t know for sure what that something was. Looking back to the beginning, from the vantage point of maturity, I see unrecognized indicators but no clear picture. Attempts at conversation over the years haven’t been helpful either. I may never know the truth and I have to be okay with it. The truth is part of someone else’s story and is not mine to discover. I can’t pursue understanding the way I wish I could, that would be invasive and unfair.

For many years, our life was putting one foot in front of the other, doing the best we could with what we had. On the surface life was good in many ways, there were no beatings, there was food on the table, and I always knew where he was. I was glad for the husband I had because I thought all those negative things could have been true if I had made a different choice. Now I can see the lie in that thought, because none of my teenage choices turned out to be the kind of men to do any those things so why would a different adult choice have led to the disasters my mind kept throwing at me. Low self imagine has had much to do with the decades long process this turned out to be.

Underneath the acceptance of life as good, there was a deep unhappiness coupled with a profound lack of understanding for the reason. I read a helpful book a few years ago, it described much of what I was going through in the early years. It said we often know something is wrong but can’t put it into words. That was me.

Life went on this way for decades, fluctuating between times of peace and times of despair.

Denial only works for so long, eventually something will burst forth and there will be no choice but to allow the moment of honesty. It was a shock. It required a response.

It was a shock to recognize we weren’t truly living a life, we were merely role playing, both in our personal and professional lives. It’s impossible to do a job well while role playing. The fruits of our efforts were indicators of that.

Honesty needed a response.

The right course of action in this moment of honesty was to move on, leave the role playing behind. Circumstances lined up in cooperation with this decision. Everything about our lives changed, – location, occupations, activities, view of life, our relationship.

This was the beginning of the healing process, one that would take more than two decades.

When I started to write this post my goal was to work my way through to the present day view of my life. I had a reason for that goal. Nothing has turned out quite like I intended.

Some of this subject has been difficult to address and yet the exercise of writing about it has had unexpected benefits. New thoughts have been introduced and need some meditation time. It is a break through of sorts. Maybe the healing end is not as far off as I first thought.

I need a break to consider some things before continuing with this subject. I’m sure there will be a continuing, it still has an unfinished feel to it.

Until next time…..

---

Books read since last post

Maine Justice – The Priority Unit book 1 – Susan Paige Davis …. this was a read all night book, literally, loved it

Blackbird Fly – Lise McClendon….. I liked the bones of this story and went to the end, in leaps and jumps. It was a frustrating read, full of unnecessary details (at least that is my opinion) but I did want to stick with it long enough to see what happened.

BoneMan’s Daughters – Ted Dekker (mystery)

Silver Cascade Secrets – Rachelle Christensen

Full Circle – Davis Bunn (mystery)

Kiss – Ted Dekker and Erin Healy (mystery/thriller)

The Courage Series – For Real book 3 – Staci Stallings

Summer Love in the Bahamas – Smile For Me book 1 –  Jan Thompson

*there is a list of books at the bottom of every post* 

We all have a story…. most of us with hurt in our lives are reluctant to tell it… sometimes we are even reluctant to tell it to ourselves.

Much of the time we are unaware of this reluctance. Hiding behind repressed memories is a way of survival for many of us. Our minds take on the self protection task of supressing painful memories and  our hearts are grateful. The last thing we want to do is come out of hiding to think about, or talk about, any of it.

Here’s what the mind is capable of – as a preteen, my brothers and I went to stay with our grandparents while mom went back to the hospital for further cancer treatments, life was now like a whole new world for us, absolutely everything changed, for the better. With this change a switch was quietly flipped in my mind; that’s who I was – this is who I am now. My mind, without my conscious permission, literally amputated (and buried, deeper than deep) the painful memories of my first 12 years and then created a new and sanitized version of me. Dad was still in and out of our lives so there was no denying what his life was all about but there was a huge denying of what my life was like while with him. Forgetting the past, looking to the future, was the theme of my life.

The years went by, decades even, and I still lived life as the new sanitized me. Occasionally I thought about my early life, especially during  those times when inner healing surfaced as something important to be pursued, definitely a worthwhile exercise for me, but in limited measure.

Even with these new examinations of my life, denial was still a big issue and basically my story was still a secret. Well, maybe not so much a secret as just something rarely mentioned to people close to me, and never mentioned to anyone else.

I don’t think I would have ever bothered changing anything about this view of myself except that life has a way of catching up with you and changing your perspective.

As a society we have long held to the position – what is in the past should stay in the past, stop dwelling on it and move on. What can be gained by dredging up all that old stuff?

It turns out, actually, quite a lot can be gained by facing the past and much can be lost by ignoring it. It turns out that emotional injuries affect the rest of our lives, much like physical injuries do, except that they affect the very core of our being rather than just a single body part, and as a result have a great impact on the whole of our life rather than just a small segment.

Could my life have been different if I had faced all of this stuff earlier? No, I don’t think so,  I wasn’t in a place where I could have successfully faced it earlier, and, because my story wasn’t the only story affecting my life, the timing was not right. God knew my mind couldn’t handle facing reality any sooner, so, later was his perfect timing.

Has everything been faced now? Not by a long shot. Have I received healing despite only facing part of my past? Absolutely!

The truth shall set you free has proven true in my life. The telling of my story has had a huge role in my freeing process. Peace has been the reward. Through it all I have been careful about where to share my story and careful about which opinion to listen to after the sharing of my story. And, I’ve learned through all of this, my heart is worth protecting.

If you have never told your story, be sure to look for a safe place to land before sharing your story but do share it. Denial and self protection are jailers that will keep us in bondage behind protective walls. Breaking down the walls can add a new dimension to our relationships and bring peace to our hurting hearts. Telling our story won’t remove the difficult places from our lives but it will bring a measure of relief and start us on a healing journey. The road to healing and peace is not an easy road to travel but it is definitely worth it.

Books have always been a very important part of  my healing  process and one very helpful book at the beginning of this current 12 year journey  was a book called “Love is a Choice -Recovery for codependant relationships”  in the Minirth-Meier Clinic Series. It was special to me because it helped me begin to see many important things, including the difference between normal and abusive. We accept familiar as normal because it’s all we know. The truth about what we have accepted as normal can be stunning and life changing.

I have also learned not to make comparisons between my story and others and then write mine off as unimportant. We are all different and there are as many responses to injuries as there are people. The important consideration is this – did it hurt you?

The sharing of your story will help you discover the truth about hurts, remembered and suppressed,  and how much weight should be given to those hurts. It will turn out, sometimes, that the hurt really was bigger in our memory than it needed to be, and sometimes, it was smaller than it needed to be. Telling our story helps to bring things into right perspective. Perspective is highly under rated.

Are you feeling encouraged to tell your story and break out of prison? If you are, like many of us, having a hard time with this thought, take your time, there is no rush, move at a speed you are comfortable with. The important thing is to move, baby steps. Take any healthy opportunities that come your way to address this need in your life. For me, it was a neighbour friend with a gift for helping people like me, and through her, connection with a support group.

As your first step toward telling another person your story, see if you can identify a possible someone in the circle of your life, someone with a healthy heart to hear your story. That’s very important. If we share our stories with someone in the same boat, it will turn into a vicious circle rather than a healing journey. You may have to step outside of your comfort zone to find this person or persons but it will be worth it. Most importantly, if you trust God, he will help you recognize the right opportunities. Help is always a welcome thing.

Peace that passes all understanding is the goal!

In this age of instant gratification we may be dismayed to find that one telling of our story won’t be the fix we were hoping for. Your story will need to be told many, many, times over before you reach the end of the healing journey. The beautiful thing is, everytime you tell your story (even if only to yourself) it will change, some things will be added and other things will drop off, as your perspective changes so will the telling of your story. Some things will cease to be part of the narrative because healing has taken place and now they have lost their place of importance in your heart, cause for celebration! New things will be added because there is a new measure of understanding, also cause for celebration!

The truth about this journey; it is not for the faint of heart….. but it is more than worth it.

If you also really trust God on this journey, he will be with you every step of the way, and when you need it most, you will feel his arms holding you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*there is a list of books at the bottom of every post*  

This has been a good week! Lots of interesting books for download, a nice stack of books from the library-already half gone, and lots of interesting new (to me) blogs to read and digest. A good week.

It was encouraging to come across blogs sharing the same thoughts I have about the need to encourage reading. If signs of the times are to be believed, there isn’t the same interest in reading as there used to be, we need to help change that if we can. People who read become thinkers and it seems to me that given the days we live in – we need thinkers, we all need to be thinkers.

The thing that excites me most about the books showing up on free sites these days is the great number of excellent little known authors and the large number of really good, well written books. I love that there is an opportunity to take a chance on books I wouldn’t even get to know about in any of the traditional ways of discovering new books. Another bonus,  sometimes there are so may good books showing up  that it is overwhelming trying to imagine how to get them all read. Books that are deep enough to require thinking even. I want to inspire you to tap in to all this wealth too, and make your own great discoveries. Is it working? There really is something for everyone these days!

BookBub and Amazon are my favorite places for new discoveries.

All of the books I’m going to mention have deeper layers so it’s not a frivolous read for any of them, I hope that encourages you too.

The Perfect Life – Robin Lee Hatcher  romance

Whispers From Yesterday – Robin Lee Hatcher   romance

A Vote of Confidence  book 1,        Fit To Be Tied book 2,       A Matter of Character book 3: The Sisters of Bethlehem Springs – Robin Lee Hatcher   romance

When a Heart Stops book 2,       When a Secret Kills book 3:                                              Deadly Reunions – Lynette Eason  mystery

Dead of Night book 3,          Web of Lies book 4:                                                                   Hidden Faces Series – Brandilyn Collins  mystery

The Midwife’s Tale: At Home in Trinity Book 2 – Delia Parr   romance

Purple Like the West: Colors of Faith book 2 – Virginia Carmichael and Mary Jane Hathaway    romance

Happy reading!

 

*there is a list of books at the bottom of every post*   

It’s true, my current reason for this blog was to share a love of books and to inspire you to love them too. The original blog goal, a decade or so ago, was to target a smaller more specialized group of women and to talk about deeper issues. It was still going to be about books just not the same kind of books. My vision for the blog  then was to share resources and  give encouragement to hurting broken women like me. That blog never did get off the ground. I thought the vision for today’s version of the blog seemed to be broader in scope and not nearly so intense. A few weeks ago in a moment of inspiration I even spent a couple of hours writing down all of the blog topics that popped into my head, three pages worth, and none of them were personal or intense. Now I am not so sure.

The whole idea of a blog sort of came to a head recently. Many things had come to mind as I worked through issues  over the last decade or two, and at times it felt like I should share them with people but had no way to do that without a blog. Recently, in one of my conversations with God, I was talking to him about this wish and promised that if he would provide a platform then I would be sure to say some of those things now. It looks like God must have taken me at my word and thought I was finally ready because in a very short space of time it all came together.

Because God is a big part of what I am doing; before each post I take time to ask him what he would like me to say and how he would like me to say it. I know God sees our hearts and he knows  what our hearts need to hear. I want to do my part to have words that someone needs to hear so I ask him to let me know what needs to be said.

After praying much about this post, I think I am supposed to share some of my story and that surprised me. I am nervous about sharing but the courage is coming from somewhere.

My love affair with books started in 6th grade with a school field trip to the public library. I was in heaven. Saturdays I would walk to the library ( a couple of miles or more) for a fresh supply of books, books with an impact that is still felt even after all these years. Empowerment was the takeaway from one of my favorite characters, she had her own sailing sloop and could take the lead and have adventures, I loved that.

This fascination with the public library lasted for three or four years, until I realized there were no more books in my age group section that I wanted to read. I tried out the adult section but decided it was too soon for that. The disappointment about this discovery had to have been huge because it is still one of my most vivid memories. Happily though, that was just the beginning, it turned out there were to be many more great books in my future.

Discovering the library turned out to be a blessing, not that I consciously recognized it as such at the time. The road that is our life is often filled with potholes, potholes that range from very small and inconsequential to crater size, from far apart to close together. There were some crater sized potholes in my road of life the year I was twelve. I’m pretty sure my new friendship with books made the journey through the potholes a  little easier. They must have because I remember books more clearly that I remember some other things in my life at that time. My dad was an alcoholic and life was often chaotic at our house, mom had cancer, school was never hard for me but I failed  6th grade, on my 13th birthday my brothers and I went to stay with my grandparents (mom’s side) because mom had to go back to the hospital,  and then that move turned out to be a permanent arrangement even after mom came home from hospital. On the plus side, it was a positive and possibly life saving  move for my brothers and I.

The next few decades were smooth sailing and crater free by comparison. But the road of life didn’t stay that way.

Getting back to the blog- about twelve years ago, after a marriage breakup, I joined a twelve step program directed toward women affected by the addictions of people (past and present) in their lives.  I was working on the results of some of the craters in my life and at the urging of one of my neighbors, who turned out to be a good friend and mentor, I started attending the meetings. It was a year or so into the program that I had the desire to start a blog as a way to share resources and encouragement with the other women in the group. My mentor thought it was a great idea and totally encouraged me to go ahead with it. I did get as far as registering a domain name and paying for a package at a web hosting site. I kept that active for two years then decided not to continue as I hadn’t gotten it off the ground. I think the big hurdle was, and has always been, the fear of putting myself out there. It was difficult to share my story even with people I knew well never mind with the world at large. Six or so years ago I tried to start a blog again, twice, this time with free Word Press, but it still wasn’t coming together for me. This year when I felt inspired to try again, it worked! I was so excited.

For some reason the process of writing has given me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I am very excited about this new step and so glad to finally be in a place where it’s out of the old and into the new. I am not sure where all of this blogging/writing will take me, and I’m not sure how much sharing of my story will be required but I am excited for the journey. Fulfillment for me will be having something to say that someone’s heart needs to hear.

I have been reading books through all of this but won’t share them this time. Except to say, there was a book I read in 1992 about  how Joseph of Arimathea and band of new believers travelled to Britain after Jesus death to escape the persecution of the Romans. It covers the  time from 4 BC or so, up to 1640 or so. The book is called Glastonbury: The Novel of Christian England by Donna Fletcher Crow. It is a long book, over 800 pages, but a fascinating read. I loved it and wanted to read it again but, sadly, had loaned it out.  On an outside chance, the other day when I was thinking about it  I checked Amazon and there it was,  it has been reissued as an ebook. You know what I will be reading for the next while. If you are interested in historical fiction check it out. The legends come to life. One of my takeaways from this book was that the Irish and Scots are cousins who can’t get a long. Who knew! Although it does make sense when you think about it.

Happy reading and, hopefully, encouraged hearts!