The day we said good bye September 08, 2022

I think I will forever remember the day Queen Elizabeth died. On my daughter’s birthday, today.

I remember Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip visiting Canada when I was living in British Columbia many years ago. I’m not sure what year though, they made a number of visits and I can’t tell which one it would have been. I was young and it made quite an impression on me, I do remember that.

There is no doubt about it. This is the end of an era. She is an impossible act to follow, an amazing woman gifted in a way few are. She was a queen, through and through, it wasn’t something assumed when out in public and hung in the closet when arriving home.

It looks like those coming behind will be assuming a role, it is not who they already are. Sad for us and for them.

Life changes and the world moves on, maybe culture is becoming such that a monarchy – king/queen is no longer needed the way it once was. Maybe a role play will be enough to do the job.

RIP Queen Elizabeth II, we will remember you with a lifetime of respect and appreciation.

LIFE Queen Elizabeth: 70th Jubilee

Out an about, she was a classy lady. At home with her dogs she was real, with her rubber boots and earthy toned heavy coat. Comfortable both ways. Remarkable.

A rewired brain – abuse, pornography

Abuse and pornography = a rewired brain. Mine has been rewired by abuse starting at a very early age and I’m just now figuring it out.

Probably because I didn’t want to figure it out sooner.

Two things set this event in motion.

One of the comments appearing often over the last several years is that “the body remembers.” I have to say that’s true. One of the fleeting memories I had as a young kid and remember vividly to this day was straddling a metal barrel warmed by the sun, struck by the thought “I’ve had this experience of warmth before somewhere.” There are many other similar memories and thought patterns that added all together lead to a dark place.

Another happening adding to the discussion in my head was a recent podcast where the interviewee talked about his early introduction to pornography and how the practice rewired his brain and made relationships difficult. One of the biggest reasons, aside from guilt, for this difficulty in relationships is connection, or more precisely, a lack of it, and pornography contributes to it. But that’s a subject for another day.

For years I have wrestled with many things about my thought processes regarding men, especially compared to thought patterns of other women. I have an inexplicable love/hate relationship with them. I love having long conversations with my sons and brothers so there’s that. Then, I don’t exactly hate other men, I just run away from any who show interest.

This rewiring is apparent when I can’t understand the fascination young girls, or women for that matter, have with boys/men. The only experience I have with normal teenage thoughts is reading about them in books. I can’t relate to the giggling fascination. Swooning over cute boys, falling in and out of love regularly and sharing all the details of these interactions daily with their friends.

The reason I am happy about this recent new level of understanding about my mixed up feelings is my incessant need to know why. Why am I this way?

I’ve heard other abuse victims say this: there are two sides to the coin. On the one hand you hate the abusive experience forced on you while at the same time, the physical experience has a level of enjoyment to it. Our bodies betray us by liking what is happening.

I guess all of this explains why I have a good attitude toward the physical experience but a negative reaction to the thought of having a man in my life. The unwelcome hazy face rising up at the thought of sharing my life inevitably looks like one I wouldn’t want to be with. A thought killer right there.

I don’t really know how to end this. This whole conversation has been working in my mind for a while and today it seemed like this was the day I finally needed to talk it out.

My journey from abuse to wellness has been decades long and I have to say I am now the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m grateful. The truth has indeed set me free.

I’m understanding, on a minor level, the kind of abuse inflicted on me, I’ve made peace with the people involved even though they are no longer with us, and I’ve allowed enough difficult memories to surface to make understanding and healing possible.

I can also see the truth in the idea that rewiring by repetition of positive healthy experiences will change neural pathways. We can learn healthy new ways of being. That has been my prayer, that my thought patterns and reactions would be changed to a healthier version.

While I’m still baffled by my complicated thoughts and attitudes toward men, it’s something to realize that over the years (especially the teen years) many of my best friends were guys. It’s with thankfulness that I can agree that the abusive first decade of my life has been somewhat influenced and overwritten by the positive relationships of my free and healthy second decade, the teen years.

I guess I am a product of the good and the bad.

I’m grateful. Grateful for the good parts of life, grateful for the healing and understanding I have today.

I won’t lie though. The healing is not complete, it’s just markedly better. I’m still hiding away from men.

Somethings may never change lol

Enough of this, I’m off to rescue the dryer.

This and that June 20, 2022

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

It’s hard to think when it’s hot. Which means it’s not easy stringing words together for a coherent blog post. Thank goodness for air conditioning or it would be even worse. This is going to have to be one of those just start talking posts.

I can’t imagine that I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. I feel like writing but that thought alone is enough to keep me from it. I think I will press ahead anyway. I’m curious to see what will come out of my mouth if I do. I can always delete it if it’s too terrible.

There are a couple of things I’m feeling excited about. We are planning a family camping trip in July, that is exciting. It has been a very long time since the last one. It will be a family reunion of sorts. We are widely scattered these days, some of us more than others, and this time together has been a long time coming, especially due to the events of the last two years.

The campground reservations are made and paid for and serious planning is underway to make sure we have enough equipment and food to keep everyone happy. The best thing about camping is, it is “days off” for the whole time. No work (job), no phone, no internet. It’s like hiding out from the world playing all day every day without feeling guilty.

There will be water and fishing, maybe swimming, although I’m sure the water will still be pretty cold. Definitely a boat. Time to sit and visit, read, soak up a few rays of sunshine. Informal meals around the campfire. wiener roasts, marshmallow roast and s’mores. (a hot melted marshmallow squished with a piece of chocolate bar between two cookies. Hot coffee and pancakes on a cool morning and hot chocolate around the campfire in the cool of the evening. And games, lots of games.

Our family has a long history of camping. We started before the kids were born and that was our holiday of choice every year until summer jobs got in the way. This year will be special because we are beginning to lose the next generation to jobs and summer jobs.

Life flies by at an alarming rate. One more reason to savor every moment we have together as a family.

I said I was excited about a couple of things. I’ll save the next thing for another time. I want to camp on this nostalgic thought spot for awhile.

Photo by Jens Mahnke on Pexels.com

If you have never tried camping you should. Especially if you can handle a simpler life. There is nothing like it to recharge the batteries.

I will admit, it is not a five star experience. But for those who don’t care about those kinds of stars, it is wonderful.

This and that May 05, 2022

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

It has been a record breaking year. Before I get into that I have to say it has been another no book day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

And I have to say it was a busy day. I work as an administrative contractor and everything is based on work load and billable hours. All of a sudden things are picking up. People are needing things done. And I couldn’t be happier. I’m probably more excited about the jobs coming in than I am about the record breaking.

This week is the 15th anniversary of my job. That’s longer than any other employment I’ve ever had. The last longest was 10 years and I thought that was amazing. It isn’t that I was a job hopper, it was just life getting in the way. Mind you I can’t say I minded moving on, mainly because there were life changes behind all of them and I am always up for an adventure. That was then and this is now though. I am more settled and I am in this job for the long haul.

And for the second record broken; this will be the 10th anniversary in this house. They say we are molded by the circumstances of our childhoods. By the time I was six we had lived in five difference houses. One of them was twice but to a young kid it was still a move and felt different, a strange place. Although my memories of those years are pretty sketchy and maybe my assumptions about all this are off base. However it was, a nomad existence seemes to be in my blood, which made all the adult moves feel like no big deal.

My oldest son does not share my love of adventure (aided by my lack of roots anywhere) and he has his feet firmly planted with no plans to leave, maybe ever. It’s funny how differently we react to things. Mind you, the other circumstances of our childhoods were as different as night and day. That was probably a bigger influence. Of the three he is most like me, which is why I can’t understand his dislike of travel.

I should have started this earlier, now I’ve run out of time.

Until next time, have a good night, or day

A whole lot of nothing April 21, 2022

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

That’s what I have today, nothing earth shattering that’s for sure.

I’ve been working more hours lately. The exciting thing about all this is that we have started making progress on older projects that have been on the back burner, forever it seems. All of them for one reason or another. We are finally getting some things done and off the list, which is mood altering in a good way.

Of course, working on these projects means more time spent with clients. It has been awhile since we’ve had reason for more than a brief how-are-things email. I’m blessed with such a great bunch of people to work with. It is a pleasure to hear their voices again and spend time with them sorting things out.

Personal activities have suffered some in the last few weeks, with less attention coming their way. Not that they have been totally forgotten. I’m still reading, although live streamers and podcasts are cutting into book and blog times. Maybe that is partly because the river of life moves on and interests shift. That’s not a bad thing, it’s hard to keep moving and growing if we find ourselves stuck in one spot.

My daughter has branched out into a new area of interest. I’ve been the crafter in the family but it didn’t rub off on her, she’s never showed much interest until now. Some of her friends are crocheting baby outfits and blankets to be given to new mothers and she wants to be involved. It made my heart smile to get the call asking if I had crochet hooks and a ball of yarn she could practice with. Do I have hooks and yarn? Does the sun rise every morning? I am a collector of yarn and hooks. I’ll be excited to share a bunch with my grand daughter too, when she and her family visits soon. I sure haven’t been using it much and since my grand daughter has become quite the little crochet artist she is excited to have new supplies. She’s looking forward to making more memories together too. It all began for her at my house.

Family time over Easter was a special treat, like always. Although toward the end of the evening it was becoming a challenge to stay awake. With everyone bringing something for the meal there is always so much food. The teenagers were fine, it was the rest of us who couldn’t eat like we used to. The upside to all this food is that mom, or dad won’t be cooking for a few days and the teenagers will still be fed. Who is going to complain about that.

Well, for not having much to say this has gone on longer than expected. I don’t know about you but I always enjoy times like this spent with you.

So what kind of nothings are happening in your life? We would like to get to know you too. Leave a comment for us. Looking forward to it.

Night guys.

Today’s happenings April 10, 2022

Concert Stage

This clip is an experiment, hope it works, to give a sample of what is happening.

There is a big rally happening downtown Los Angeles today. They are still setting up and it looks like it is going to be big. Concerts, speakers, vendors, lots of people. At one point I heard someone say they are expecting a 50,000 strong turnout.

There are live streamers sharing this on You Tube and Rumble.

Currently I’m watching both Sasnak and Mud Pig Trucking on You Tube.

His name started from his habit of hauling to farmer’s fields and coming out with a truck covered in mud.

We won’t hear much about this in commercial media that’s for sure.

Check it out.

Well, that didn’t work. March 27, 2022

Photo by George Milton on Pexels.com

The goal was/is to post everyday but I messed up, again. I was distracted, playing a computer game while listening to a live streamer.

Oh no!!!

Five minutes wasn’t much but I gave it my best shot. I moved fast but apparently not fast enough. Hitting publish at 11:59 didn’t do it for me. Oh well, there would be no worrying about today’s post being on time. (big smile)

While I would like to have a perfect record, the world won’t end if I don’t manage to post everyday. The new plan is to cut myself some slack, still try but don’t stress. It’s much too late to change some habits. Besides I like being lost in whatever is going on in my little world. Usually a book or a three hour podcast.

Three hours sounds daunting but I really like hearing about things that are new to me. Some of the posts are fresh every time; like Carey Nieuwhof, his is usually only an hour long but he has interesting guests and he is an exceptional interviewer. No two podcasts of his are alike and even when he has repeat guests it’s because they have more to talk about. Carey is a long time favorite.

Then there is the three hour podcaster who is new to me, his You Tube name is Viva Frei. He is quite the character and he hangs out with other interesting characters. He is a lawyer turned hopeful politician and since he didn’t win his first try at an election he has turned serious attention toward his online presence. Most of the conversations center around politics and legal situations. His co-host is an American lawyer who is also his friend and business partner. These guys are both characters and will, in small ways, be shocking to some, I’m sure. That’s all part of their charm. Wild haircuts, blind dogs and cigars they can’t light up. They are highly intelligent and knowledgeable. “Boring” quickly kills my interest but so far I’m still watching and enjoying these guys and their guests.

The third one gaining the most attention from me is a podcaster I’ve mentioned often. She is from Ottawa and covered the Trucker’s Freedom Convoy there, never having done such a thing before. Her brother started the channel and enlisted her help with streaming 24 hours a day. Charlotte was out on the streets late at night in freezing weather walking blocks and blocks so we could see what was going on. To warm up she would find truckers or others on the ground to hear about their stories and why they were there.

As events in Ottawa wound down the American effort was started. Once their convoy reached Maryland Charlotte traveled down, for an indefinite period of time, to report on what is happening with them.

Her abilities have blossomed with the experience she is gaining as a live streamer. It’s not as easy as she makes it look. Charlotte is nineteen and a university student with a deep well of resolve and determination. This morning she left Maryland to return to Toronto to write exams. This gal is amazing. She has acquired a loyal and devoted audience who pay attention to where she is, what she eating (or if she is eating), and who in her presence is paying attention to her. She has a ton of moms and dads watching out and worrying over her. They do it because she has captured their hearts. She appreciates and relates well to her audience. Actually, even the in-person people she is hanging out with everyday are vigilant in making sure she is OK.

The channel shared with her brother is ZOT. The plan after exams is to cover the story in the next place that needs it. The US convoy may even see her again.

There are a ton of live streamers out there and ZOT is one of the best, both Charlotte and her brother Matt have worked hard to make it successful.

There is much going on out there that is never mentioned in mainstream media. This is an amazing opportunity for potential journalists. Right now it’s easy to break into the industry and gain experience and a following with the new and modern ways of reaching people. Grass roots people want to know what is going on in their world. It’s amazing that polls show some of these podcasters have larger audiences than mainstream media. This is totally mind blowing.

Charlotte is unsure of what her future holds but journalism is definitely on her radar and we all know she would excel if that was her choice.

So there you have it, another unplanned fixation. lol

It was fun.

I wonder is this qualifies as scribbling? (this weeks weekly prompt from Sunday Scribblings)

It felt like scribbling. lol

This man says it best March 20, 2022

Earlier I mentioned things on my mind, things not easy to express in a way that will make sense.

This post manages to say some of my thoughts in a way I couldn’t. Life has a way of banding us together.

Shared from today’s Pointless Overthinking post

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Check out this post if you haven’t seen it already.

The author is a regular contributor to Pointless Overthinking, the site is worth a follow.

Current read March 20, 2022

Is it OK if I don’t have anything momentous to say this morning?

These days, my thoughts are consumed with several heavy duty subjects but it doesn’t seem appropriate, for many reasons, to talk about any of them. The trouble with immersing myself in these off-limits but important topics is a shortage of time spent pondering things I would be comfortable talking about.

At the moment, it is quiet in here, deadly quiet. All of the normal voices have been turned off.

The temptation to turn some of them back on will be high, I’m sure, but I want to spend time listening to discover what my mind is telling me on acceptable subjects. Sometimes, most times actually, our mind needs input, to help prime-the-pump so to speak.

This is a “why study math when you need to study literature” sort of moment.

I have several non fiction books I should be reading, I’m sure inspiration would be found in that activity.

I was toying with that idea but decided it might be good to start the day a little lighter. So I picked another book instead.

This choice sounds like it will be a fluff book but it’s likely not. This author writes books with meat on the bones. I think this one will be a positive influence on my thought life and who knows, maybe I will be inspired to write something momentous. Maybe not momentous but a smaller scale seems doable. I’ll keep you posted about my progress toward inspiration, later.

Catch of a Lifetime – Low Country Love (Finding Love in the Low Country Book 3)

From an early age, Adella believed that love brings only pain. First her mother dies, and Adella struggles to deal with her grief and care for her younger sisters. When the young girls decide they don’t need Adella anymore, she concludes she can’t trust anyone but herself. With few options, she determines she will use her good looks and intelligence to catch a handsome, wealthy man who can give her the security she craves. Derek Goodson appears to be the man of her dreams, and at first their marriage is wonderful. After a few years, however, Adella discovers a restlessness that nothing seems to satisfy. She is bored with exclusive parties, clothing, and vacations. When introduced to a handsome stranger, she wonders if he is the answer to her secret longings. Adele must face some tough choices, along with a tender tug on her soul. She married Derek for his money. Why can’t she love him for it?

**************************

I’m looking forward to seeing what this day had to offer by the time it’s over.

I’m wishing a good day for you too. Whatever your day may look like.

Maybe it will even include a book.

Happy Reading if it does.

More news… February 15, 2022

In yesterday’s Oops post, found here, I shared about much time spent watching the live stream walkabouts and the things I’ve learned about the truckers Ottawa Freedom Convoy 2022.

The post ended with the concerning news of Justin Trudeau, Canada Prime Minister, invoking the Emergency Measures Act. This was concerning because the criteria for using this action is the need for force, which clearly is not the case. It turns out he is using this as a scare tactic to force the protesters to bow to him.

This tactic won’t work and this morning’s short video explains why. Such a relief.

The truckers and the supporters joining them have been amazing in their commitment to peaceful protest.

There were a couple of short videos confirming some of what goes on over there but I can’t find them again. One showed the protesters giving out Valentine red roses to police officers on scene. The other was of the conversation/one sided altercation between a counter protester and the father of a thirteen year old girl who had her flag stolen. It did not end well for the belligerent counter protester, many witnesses – besides the camera, saw the one-sided altercation and the inebriated man was arrested.

There are many new videos today and I would love to share them but will leave you with just one. Dave Rubin, a popular figure in the US is a huge supporter of the Canadian protest and definitely NOT a fan of Trudeau. Dave is excitable and the video is long but he is informative and inspiring.

I’m sure I will be back with more news.

This whole thing is important because they are not just fighting against mandates, they are fighting against tyranny. And this is not just a Canadian issue, it’s world wide.

The truckers are amazing in the way they manage to keep their cool under immense provocation.

I can’t go to Ottawa but I can watch videos. Every view and like counts for them. Subscribe helps them too.

Happy viewing. Be informed.