It really is complicated, and it’s causing discomfort – like a pebble in my shoe. The pebble moves around a bit and there are periods of relief, but lately it’s been sitting in a tender spot and doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to move on.
This latest state of discomfort started with a conversation back in December, just before I left on my winter road trip to British Columbia to spend Christmas with family.
I was telling a friend about some of the people I hoped to see along the way, including some of my work clients I’ve never met in person. I was startled by her quick response – but you are still married.
My instant reaction was an emotional – what’s that got to do with anything? I felt like I was being wrongly accused of something.
I haven’t been able to get this conversation out of my mind and it has become the proverbial pebble in my shoe.
There are two things troubling me about the conversation – the thought patterns behind her comment, and the trigger behind my reactive response.
My weak and ailing marriage fractured more than two decades ago and I have been on my own for at least half that time. The relationship is dead and buried. Divorce is not a reality only because I have been reluctant to address it, (the reasons behind that need to be explored, another day) so I am not sure why she thinks the lack of a divorce is a relevant issue.
Also, as I’ve shared in other posts, I have major trust issues with men and have been actively avoiding any chance of another relationship. My friend knows this too, so – where is her thinking coming from?
I feel bad about my reaction to her because it is not one she has ever seen from me. I expect she felt a little like she’d been punched. That’s the trouble with triggers, reactions to them are unpredictable and often painful to the person on the receiving end.
As I think about all of this, I am reminded of similar conversations with other people in other settings. Conversations that were distressingly perplexing because I couldn’t figure out the reasoning or motivation behind them. In every instance I felt like I was being wrongfully accused of something. And, in some cases the conversations became quite emotional.
Maybe that’s the trigger, feeling wrongfully accused. I will have to think some more on this, at a later date.
Now, after a week of letting all of these thoughts simmer, I expect my friend has moved on and forgotten all about this brief conversation, and I need to do the same.
The exercise of thinking and writing my way through this issue has been more than beneficial. The proverbial pebble in my shoe has ceased to be a bother. My original thoughts on this subject have been replaced by today’s much more coherent offering and I am left with new, and healing, insights into both sides of the conversation.
It occurs to me that the thoughts expressed by the other party in these conversations may have stemmed from the space they are in personally, and had little to do with me at all. Maybe I need to stop making everything about me. Maybe I need to pay more attention to the pain of others and give greater consideration to things going on in their lives.
The benefits of understanding have also been reinforced. Understanding why seems to take the heat out of certain thoughts and emotions and allows me to move on to a healthier place.
This has been a productive exercise. It looks like I will be doing it again soon.
Wild Wyoming Hearts – Marrying Miss Marshal book 1 – Lacy Williams ….. Dana Carpenter, the town marshal, with abilities unrecognized by local citizens, has to work alone because no one is willing to work with her.
Clayburn Novels – Remember to Forget – Deborah Raney …. Maggie Anderson has been living under her boyfriend’s tyranny for two years, but circumstances change with a carjacking on the middle of the night run to pick up his whiskey.
Crowns and Courtships – Heart of a Prince book 1 – Carol Moncado …. Vacationing Jordan Haines has been on the water longer than he should have. Needing a rest, he spies an empty secluded private beach.
Crystal Lake Series – A Soldier’s Promise book 2 – Laura Scott…. Julie Crain has a soft heart for people in need but doesn’t want to get involved this time. Not after the last attempt to help turned into a relationship that ended badly.
The Jess Williams Trilogy books 1 – 3 – Robert J Thomas – This is a Western thriller series with a take-no-prisoner outlook on life.
Women and War Series – Molly book 3 – Ellie Keaton …. Molly wants to join the war effort as a pilot but the US Air Force is not admitting female pilots, yet. Britain on the other hand is desperate for pilots. Travelling by ship, Molly and her friends face the threat of U-boats and other perils before they even set foot in Britain. The man she loves is over there somewhere too, as a fighter pilot, and it has been two years since she last heard from him.
Cornerstone series – Goodbye, Magnolia book 1 – Krista Noorman … Maggie is secure in the smooth operation of her successful wedding photography business, until uncertainty shows up in the form of an old, and unloved, classmate. Forced by circumstances to form an alliance with a man she considers the enemy, she has to face up to her fears, and incorrect assumptions.
8 Minutes to… Digital Winter – Mark Hitchcock and Alton Gansky … a twenty-two year old savant, with physical limitations, spends all of his time on his computer, creating a virus capable of taking out power grids everywhere. Aided by a shadowy companion he sends out the virus causing world wide blackouts, everywhere but in his New York apartment. Government agencies scramble to figure out who is behind all this, and his parents wonder at the power they have while others around them don’t.
A Nest of Sparrows – Deborah Raney…. Wade didn’t expect to ever fall in love, but he did. And he loved her three children as if they were his own. The unthinkable happens before the wedding can take place and Wade and the children are left to cope with their grief. Uncertainty is very real as it isn’t clear if he will be able to keep them.
Wings of Glory – A Distant Melody book 1- Sarah Sundin …. Allie will do anything to gain her mother’s approval, including marrying a man she doesn’t love. Lt Walter Novak is fearless in the cockpit but hopeless with women. He takes his last furlough at home, before shipping out, to attend a wedding , meeting Allie, forming a friendship around a mutual love of music. Can they untangle their secrets and commitments soon enough to have a future together. Wings of Glory follows the three Novak brothers, B17 bomber pilots stationed in England during World War II. 4 stars
The Omega Trilogy – Unbound book 1- J B Simmons … Elijah Goldsmith is trying to ignore dreams he has been having, nightmares about a dragon destroying St Peter’s Basilica in Rome. He’s never been to Rome. Graduating soon, he is applying to be a spy with the International Security Agency where he meets Naomi. There is a strong attraction between them and she makes him want to share his secrets. As they delve into finding an interpretation for the dreams it seems there is more to their attraction than romance, something else is at play here. The year is 2066, when the world ends. 4 stars I hope to read the next two in this Sci-Fi/Fantasy series.
Trial by Fire – DiAnn Mills….. Special Agent Savannah Barrett and her partner SA Paul Winston are in the middle of investigating a number of puzzling church fires when she receives word her estranged son and his wife have been killed in a car accident, She is instantly guardian to three grandchildren she didn’t know she had. Life is thrown into disarray as she adjusts to having children again. And life is even worse when the church arsonist begins to target her, and her family. 4 stars
Talking to The Dead: a Novel – Bonnie Grove … Kate Davis is struggling after the unexpected death of her husband. She can’t bear to go upstairs so she has been camped out on the sofa in the living room for weeks. She hasn’t bathed, changed clothes or been out of the house, and she can’t sleep – because her husband Kevin keeps talking to her. She is questioning her sanity. She tries many places to find help with this but fails miserably. Until she meets Jack, a warm hearted, unconventional pastor of a ramshackle church. Kevin’s voice seems to get quieter, until she begins to uncover his secrets, then he starts yelling. This was a good book, definitely a different twist.
The Lady’s Slipper – Deborah Swift … English artist Alice Ibbetson discovers the fragile flower she thought was extinct, in the nearby forest and steals it. She wants to paint it and find a way preserve it’s life for generations to come. She is not the only one to want it. A herbalist wants it for his medicines and a farmer wants it to increase his fortunes, hoping it will become the next craze in gardening circles. In her efforts to save the flower Alice finds herself caught up in danger, treachery and unexpected passion. Historical fiction.
Sweet Hearts of Sweet Creek – Her Heart’s Promise book 2 – Carolyne Aarsen …. As the plain sister with two beautiful siblings Nadine is used to being overlooked but she is not going to allow to late father’s employer to overlook his suspicious death. She plans to use her position as editor of the local newspaper to help her find the truth. The trouble is, her high school crush and new owner of the paper, wants the story buried. To further complicate her life, she has a sick mother, a matchmaking grandmother, and a fake boyfriend who turns out to be real.
For the Love of Books 