loneliness

This and that January 06, 2023

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It has been quite a day. A very good day actually.

It started out with signing of a renewal for my mortgage. Normally this would be fairly quick and easy but for some reason the process of signing was complicated this time. I have multiple devices but to my mind all of them had issues. Why can’t I print, wet ink sign, and scan. Eventually (a few days later) we got it done.

There was an upside to the struggle though. In the end some of the decisions were changed to something better and it was worth the hassle. Besides that, the experience of chatting with the bank representative was well worth the time spent.

Signing using the mouse left us with an interesting version of my signature. I guess the app doesn’t care, it just knows a signature has been applied.

At least it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Couriers have devices with such small awkward screens and those signatures were out of this world every time. I’d never have to worry about forgeries that’s for sure. It’s a good job we didn’t have to use them to identify the signor as me. lol

The next good thing in this day was having three muscled family members show up to install a new water softener device and then hang some drywall for a needed repair. It was a fun day. It took longer than the 2 hours originally estimated and I was happy with that. There are always challenges with these things and it sounded like the guys enjoyed working on it together.

The next while was spent on chores and work projects with a little reading thrown in and later some videos but now that the day is ending I’m missing having my kids here. (grown men but still my kids.) In all honesty, I’ve been preparing emotionally to have them gone but now I’m feeling it more than I thought I would.

My son will be flying back to his home on Monday, several thousand miles away, and it is another good bye. We’ve had three already as his boys left at different times, in different directions, and then his wife and daughter left on a flight home early yesterday morning. School was starting and she had to be there.

I was happy, I seemed to be taking all this in stride without any tears and figured I was going to do well this time. I guess it just took a little longer to hit me.

To fill in the time this evening I was watching/listening to videos and working on a puzzle.A black and white puzzle the rest of my puzzle loving family members were reluctant to work on for some reason.

One video was an interview with the author of a wildly popular book on developing good habits that will help us reach our potential. (the interviewer has a gift for asking great questions) (the intro to this video has an ad for materials related to church leadership skills but this interview does not address any of that. It is about successfully building an online presence.)

The second was a documentary about the life and career of Alan Rickman. He played the terrorist in the Die Hard movie with Bruce Willis. I had no idea he was so successful and broadly talented. (I watch this movie at least once a year, usually at Christmas. The perfect time 🙂 )

Both videos were lengthy and well worth the time spent. (I’ll add them at the bottom for you) And they helped me focus on the puzzle too – a definite plus.

I enjoyed the whole experience but was left wishing some of my puzzle loving family were here with me. I sent a wish you were here note on our group chat and expressing that thought was probably what caused the sadness to surface.

A good nights sleep will probably cure the worst of the lonely feelings. It has been a full day that’s for sure and a rest is in order.

I’ll share the two videos and the puzzle picture I sent to my family.

Anyone else want to pop over and work on it with me? No? I like the interesting picture and a challenge is always a good thing.

No books today. I did investigate but nothing popped up. Maybe tomorrow

I love this puzzle.

I’m off to bed as soon as I read through this thing another time or two. Maybe you will forgive me if I miss a few problem areas? Hopefully it will make sense. It made sense in my head.

Happy watching and reading.

I hope you enjoy these videos as much as I did.

This and that follow-up. October 09, 2022

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Photo by Esranur Kalay on Pexels.com Precious Memories

Last post (October 8th) ended with the promise to-be-continued. I was attempting to publish before midnight to avoid breaking the daily posting chain, that was the reason for the abrupt ending. Needless to say I was too late and we are back to the beginning, again. It was a valiant try, I have to say.

So, I was part way through telling the story of my trip to the grocery store for my contribution to our turkey dinner today. I was working through my list and was having trouble finding the canned cranberry sauce that goes so well with turkey. It’s tart and makes for a nice pairing.

Anyway, here’s the part that was unusual and unforgettable. I spied a young woman stopped in the middle of the aisle looking over her grocery list and I decided to ask her if she knew where the cranberry sauce was. (they keep changing things around just about the time you figure out where things are) It appeared that her family didn’t have cranberry sauce as a tradition because she didn’t really know what I was talking about. I was at a loss as to how to describe it. In a way it is in a category all it’s own. Cranberry is a fruit that it is cooked up like the jam you would put on toast but it is used more like the mustard and ketchup you would add to a sandwich or spread on a hot dog bun. How in the world do you describe that to someone?

We were in the canned fruit aisle and after a complex discussion she thought it was at the end on the top shelf. I said I would check it out but continued on down the aisle away from the section she was describing. I was thinking that sometimes they have racks of seasonal things like cranberry sauce closer to the meat department and thought I would look there first. The cream cheese was on my way there and I was stopped, looking it over, when someone approached me from behind.

It was the young woman with a jar in her hand. She had gone back to look over the section she had in mind and found what she thought I was looking for. It was cranberries alright. A fancy version I had never seen before but it looked like it would work.

As I think back, the memorable thing about the encounter was her kindness. She took the time to look for the item I needed and then made the effort to find me and make sure this was what I wanted. What I expected was the usual response where people consider the discussion closed and continue on with their shopping. To have someone go to these lengths for a stranger and to fully engage like she cared was truly amazing. And deeply touching. I think there was a connection we both felt in that moment.

There were clues that we moved in different circles and probably had different life experiences. I knew that when I approached her. But it didn’t matter to me. I looked her in the eyes when we talked and it was a comfortable discussion, it didn’t matter to her either and we were contributing equally.

These encounters don’t happen nearly often enough but when they do they are unforgettable. Something significant passes between us and I, for one, will remember.

Sometimes it’s as little as catching someone’s eyes and smiling. This doesn’t seem like much but a smile can make our day.

It’s true that we all have a need to be seen. Not for show sake but for the deep need in our lonely or hurting hearts.

I will never forget a shopping trip where a father and son came around the end of an aisle I was waiting to go down. The encounter was seconds long and as they passed me I looked into the eyes of the man in the wheelchair and then into the eyes of the older man I assumed was his father pushing it. It shook me to my core. The meeting felt like it was meant to be. I can’t express what I saw in their eyes. I just knew they needed someone to look in their eyes and see them. To see their pain. I had no idea who they were or anything about them but I don’t think I will ever forget.

Looking into strangers eyes is not something I do often. I’m an introvert and making eye contact is not always easy or comfortable. I am open to the possibility though and as a result all of the memorable encounters have been spontaneous. Maybe my radar is set to recognize hurting people, I don’t know, but when I feel an inner urge to look up I go for it.

I mention this doesn’t come naturally because it would be easy to assume this is just an everyday part of who I am, and that not everyone is like me. Contrary to these impressions it isn’t easy for me. Anyone can do it if they are aware of people around them and are willing to be there for them in some small way. It’s worth it when you make contact with someone needing a smile and maybe a hello. I have many spontaneous encounters I could share and I’ve even joked about writing a book about what, in the moment, feels like a divine encounter.

In another setting I have discovered the importance of thoughtful eye contact.

I think it started out for me as self-protection, looking people in the eye to gauge their intentions for good or evil. To this day there continues to be some element of protectiveness in place when speaking to people I don’t know well. This is where the contact starts, but then it continues to a different level because now I’m interested in what they are saying, or not saying, and I want to know who they are. Some folks are uncomfortable with the intensity of such contact but most of the time it is welcomed and the response often turns into lengthy conversations. The truth is that most people are starving for meaningful contact. We all have a deep need to be seen, heard, and understood.

It still shocks me how deep the needs are out there.

Maybe this recognition of need comes easily to me because I have my own life’s deep unmet need. It takes one to know one as the old saying goes. Multiple interactions have also reinforced the certainty in my mind and heart.

Years ago there was a man who was convinced I was in love with him. I asked him why he would think that. He said it was because I treated him like he was a human being. He felt seen, heard, and worth something. I’m convinced he wouldn’t have thought that way if he was without an unmet need.

I think that was the beginning of the starvation awareness for me. I wish more of us would catch this vision, especially in everyday relationships. Just think of the positive revolution that could happen and what it would mean if we felt secure and valued and offered the same to others.

Have you noticed the deep need phenomenon in people around you?

They say it is more blessed to give than receive. It’s true.

There is something magical that happens inside of us when we set aside our own needs and step up to be there for others.

So this is the rest of the cranberry story. Like other past encounters I’m sure I will have a hard time forgetting this sweet young lady. I don’t even want to. I’m sure our few minutes together will reside in my precious memories box forever.

Try it, you will see I’m right.

Perfect timing

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It’s amazing how it happens. Perfect timing.

Yesterday’s post shared the idea of counselling in a book. Check it out here if you missed it… Love is a Choice

This morning, waiting in my inbox, was the regular email notification for the weekly podcast I follow faithfully. The content is always interesting and helpful, on a variety of topics. Today’s topic was especially meaningful on the heels of yesterday’s book. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, the two books fit so well together.

The subject line of the email was an attention grabber.

A specific type of writing that will combat anxiety, depression, and symptoms from past trauma.

There was no way I could walk away from this podcast and leave it for another day. It had to be today. I watched it twice, it was packed that full. .

Today’s interviewee has written a book called The Power of Writing it Down.

Part of author/writing coach Allison Fallon’s target audience is the same crowd flocking to read Love is a Choice... Count me in.

The Power of Writing It Down: A Simple Habit to Unlock Your Brain and Reimagine Your Life

Partial Amazon synopsis:

For anyone who’s trying to make sense of their life, who wants to get unstuck from the patterns that hold them back, hear this incredible news: everything you need for the freedom you want is entirely within reach. This practice and pathway is free, it’s readily available every day of your life, it takes just minutes of your time, and anyone can do it. 

Author, writing coach, and speaker Allison Fallon’s life transformed when she discovered the power of a daily writing practice. As it turns out, using your words is one of the most powerful means you have for unlocking your life. The Power of Writing It Down is your guide to this transformative tool available to us all. In as little as five to twenty minutes a day, scientific research shows this daily practice can help you: 

  • Identify your ruts and create new neurological grooves toward better habits
  • Find fresh motivation and take ownership of your life
  • Heal from past pain and trauma
  • Relieve anxiety and depression
  • Contextualize life’s setbacks and minor frustrations
  • Live a more confident, balanced, and healthy life
  • …and so much more

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In the podcast interview she explains Expressive Writing well and mentioned that the writing talked about in her book is not regular writing and it’s not journaling. It makes a lot of sense.

The idea is to write down your deepest thought and feelings. I have experienced what she means when she says this type of writing accesses the subconscious part of the brain where the conscious is often not allowed.

This is basically what I do when I write my this and that posts. What comes out is often a surprise. With some of the posts, like I mentioned at the time of writing them, I was in the midst of angst and felt so much better when I was talked out. To really get into it, though, I expect most of it would not be something we’d want to share publicly.

I recommend listening to the interview before reading the book. I’m glad I did because hearing and seeing her will make the words on the page that much more real.

Practicing this form of writing will be helpful to everyone, not just the most broken among us.

Here is the link. Enjoy, and buy the book if it makes sense to you. I think you will be glad you did.

I haven’t been as intentional with this type of writing as is encouraged in her book. From ignorance, really. I want to try it her way, to see what the difference will be in my life.

I’m hoping you will discover this along with me.

Happy listening, reading, and writing.

So much wisdom, so much empathy

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This is a deeply touching interview filled with wisdom, understanding and empathy. And hope. So much hope. I have to share.

I hope you find it as comforting as I did. In these difficult days we need to hear voices filled with wisdom and hope.

Rick Warren has experienced unbelievable pain. Toward the end of the video he shares what it was like to live through it. He puts heavy emphasis on living through it.

This interview is posted by a gifted podcaster Carey Nieuwhof. He knows how to ask questions that will mine the depths and bring out the best in his guests. Always a blessing to the listener.

May you feel as blessed as I do right now.

Read and enjoyed April 12, 2021

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Lots of meat to chew on with this read. T.D. Jakes always has many thought provoking things to add to any story and this was no exception. He gives us an in-depth look at four woman types and the hardest one for me to read was the one most like me. All of the women were hurting in one way or another, that’s the way life is. Difficult patches in life are inevitable. It’s what we do with them that will make or break us.

T.D. Jakes doesn’t hold back, he tells it raw and real. He doesn’t expose us and then leave us hanging out to dry. He leaves us with answers (not always the ones we want to hear but answers nevertheless) and points us to hope. Some people will tear us all apart pointing out the broken places then walking away. He doesn’t ever tear us apart, rather he sheds a light in the dark places to help us see the important things we are missing. His goal is to help us choose a better way.

The broken among us have bought into lies we’ve been told over and over. His novel is one more tool in the arsenal to help us break out of our prison of lies.

He is a great story teller. Everything he is trying to share is woven into the fabric of the story making it strong. The best kind.

Cover Girls by T.D. Jakes

This compelling novel follows four women as they learn to balance children, estranged husbands, boyfriends, and problems at work through their faith in God.

Michelle, Tonya, Mrs. Judson, and Miz Ida. African-American, white, rich, poor — they seemingly have nothing in common. Yet every day they face the complex realities of twenty-first-century urban life as they try to balance their needs with their belief in God. Through the course of a year, these women must come to terms with the past, discover their true identities, and recognize the unexpected miracles that reveal God’s all-encompassing love.

These four women entertain us and invite us to join in their lives. As they welcome us, they also introduce us to the men in their lives. The men play supporting roles, adding color and zest to the lives of the Cover Girls.

Bishop Jakes knows the struggles real women encounter and the losses that make it difficult to face the future. He brings compassionate insight and deep wisdom to this novel and proves that he is not only a gifted preacher, but a born storyteller.

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Currently, I’m into a lighter read. It’s not fluffy by any means, just lighter by comparison.

Run With My Heart: Sweet, Christian Christmas Romance: (A Texas Tornadoes Single Author Sports Romance book 2) (Texas Tornados) 

A football player who’s lost. A woman in danger of losing all she loves. Could he be the Christmas Miracle she’s been praying for?

Pro football player Tucker Jackson has a chip on his shoulder. His mother died when he was young, his father threw himself into his work, and the team he now plays for is in danger of losing their season.

His anger drives him to a bar where an ensuing fight earns him service at a community center. Can he find a way to tame his ire before it destroys his dreams forever?

Shelby Doll has a heart for kids, but the community center she runs is short on funds. Tucker Jackson is her last hope to keep the doors open, but will he leave her in a lurch when it matters the most?

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Happy Reading!

Read and enjoyed January 24, 2021

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My very favorite read this week had depth and layers. Many layers. New discoveries appeared throughout the course of the book with the biggest one at the very end.

Reading this story was an emotional but enriching journey, with many tears along the way. Tears for both of us, the reader and the character. The thing I love most about these stories? There will be a line, a scene, an emotional event, that resonates with me and my life and sheds light on needs I may or may not realize I have. I’m grateful. I’ve not lived though cancer but I can relate to broken families and the effect it can have throughout a lifetime.

Aside from the value of whatever portion speaks to me, I loved this book for itself alone.

The Faded Photo

“Some things should be kept private.” Frances Snyder can never quite get her mother’s voice out of her head—how to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother. Frances’s home life is demanding, and while she’s busy seeing to everyone else’s needs, Frances doesn’t have the luxury of spare time.

So when she is diagnosed with breast cancer, she thinks that she can handle it on her own. Dealing with endless tests, brutal chemotherapy, and the looming specter of surgery, Frances chooses to face cancer on her own terms: alone. That is, until she finally understands that unexpected friendship—and unconditional love—can offer hope in the darkest hours.

With tenderness, grace, and flashes of humor, bestselling author Sarah Price draws upon her own experience as a breast cancer survivor to create a story about one woman’s determined and solitary journey into the unknown—in hopes that she’ll find her way back home.

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The next books were all awesome reads as well and I can highly recommend any of them,

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It has been the best. This reading week.

My current read is a major favorite too. It’s deep, with many layers. A struggle, a romance, a mystery, all rolled into one.

Stay with Me (Misty River Romance, A Book #1)

A mysterious letter alluding to a secret in her parents’ past brings Genevieve Woodward back to her Blue Ridge Mountains hometown, but she’s also in need of a break from a high-profile career that has left her dangerously burned out and concealing a powerful secret of her own. When she wakes inside an unfamiliar cottage to find the confused owner staring down at her, she can no longer ignore the fact that she needs help.  

Sam Turner has embraced his sorrow and his identity as an outsider. The solitary, disciplined life he lives on his historic farm is the life he’s chosen for himself. The last thing he wants is to rent his cottage to a woman as troubled as she is talkative. Yet, he can’t force himself to turn her away right when she needs him most. 

As Genevieve researches her family’s history and her and Sam’s emotions deepen, they will have to let go of the facades and loneliness they’ve clung to and allow light to illuminate every hidden truth.  

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This is story prompt day, I will have to shift gears to come up with something for Compliment.

Happy Reading!

Bargain book January 19, 2021

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1531 Entertainment has an interesting but serious bargain suggestion for us.

The Faded Photo

Amazon quote:

Some things should be kept private. Frances Snyder can never quite get her mother’s voice out of her head—how to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother. Frances’s home life is demanding, and while she’s busy seeing to everyone else’s needs, Frances doesn’t have the luxury of spare time.

So when she is diagnosed with breast cancer, she thinks that she can handle it on her own. Dealing with endless tests, brutal chemotherapy, and the looming specter of surgery, Frances chooses to face cancer on her own terms: alone. That is, until she finally understands that unexpected friendship—and unconditional love—can offer hope in the darkest hours.

With tenderness, grace, and flashes of humor, bestselling author Sarah Price draws upon her own experience as a breast cancer survivor to create a story about one woman’s determined and solitary journey into the unknown—in hopes that she’ll find her way back home.

******************

This is all I have. There is nothing else interesting on the horizon at the moment. I did spend time browsing but most of the good suggestions are books we’ve seen before and that really isn’t very helpful.

My current read is a book that I’m reluctant to recommend, I’ll think on it some more before deciding what to do about it.

I’m having trouble staying awake or even thinking straight. It’s time to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow will be better, especially if there are books we can get excited about.

In the meantime …

Happy reading, and a restful night.

Connection – what is it?

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Two things are on my mind today.

It’s story prompt day and the word is Time. My last post talked about a New Years resolution which basically acknowledged it was Time for change. The definition for connection (in relation to my friendship resolution) has been on my mind recently so I’m going to combine the two thoughts. To quote a blogger friend ” it’s my blog and I can do what I like” so I guess he won’t complain about my unusual treatment of his prompt.

The whole concept of connection has been percolating in my mind and heart for decades. Through the years many marriage related books found their way into our home but the first solid memory of a discussion centered on connection was a radio program called Love, Sex, and Relationships, with pastors John and Helen Burns. They had many good, practical things to say but one phrase standing out above all the rest was into-me-see. Connection requires intimacy and intimacy in practical terms is defined as into-me-see. Eyes without shutters are crucial.

Our first thought of intimacy is physical in relation to a significant other. In reality it is not physical and applies to every type of relationship. If we’ve built walls of protection, generally speaking, they will apply to all of our relationships to one degree or another.

By John and Helen Burns (and many other’s) definition into-me-see only happens through the eyes, the windows of our souls, the keeper of our secrets. Without the eyes there is no connection. I do know this. I wish I didn’t. (with a good relationship I would also have known this and been glad I did.) Physical intimacy becomes intimate on a whole new level when the eyes meet and hold.

The good news is that varying degrees of connection can be found in varying types of relationships. This is encouraging since we are made for connection. We shrivel without having it on some level and since many of us remain single it’s nice to know friends and acquaintances can fill the void. That will be the challenge.

Friends is where we most often encounter walls still firmly in place. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately in my quest to leave my hermitage behind. Connection is difficult to find. Friendships on a superficial level are easy. I have a number of friends who are willing and even eager to hear the details of my broken life but, it’s a one way street with little-to-no reciprocation. There is a lack of satisfaction in these friendships and I’ve been mediating on why that is. I recognize deep hurts they aren’t willing to share. Is it the not sharing that bothers me most?

No. It seems I’m good with people not telling me their story. It’s the walls that are the problem. Up or down, there is a different vibe. Walls-down there is a softness with approachability, walls-up there is a harshness with keep out signs. It’s harshness I find myself most often responding to.

I can remember how hard it was to let people in. I can also remember what a freeing experience it was and continues to be. I’ve learned that lowering my walls doesn’t mean I have to tell all to everyone. I can use discretion. The important thing is, it may only be one person I tell but I’ve stopped keeping secrets.

I don’t think I’m all that different from anyone else. We all need connection. Many of us have walls we struggle to bring down. It is not easy to find a good friend.

My New Years resolution: it’s time to be proactive with maintaining neglected friendships and make myself available for new ones. It’s time to stop hiding. Covid and it’s restrictions have caused a deeper need for connection. It takes more work under these conditions to find it.

Only time will tell how well I do with my resolution and whether or not I’m successful at finding connection.

A little this, a little that, at Christmas

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This is story prompt Sunday. The word was Jolly. I feel happy and jolly, but totally pulled a blank when it came to anything jolly worth writing about. It’s not a great day for book suggestions either so it will be a this and that kind of a blog day.

I’m good with it. Many thoughts are busily floating through my mind at the moment. As usual, I don’t have any of this planned out. It will be another lets see where we end up post. I’m currently feeling upbeat and I’m pretty sure the post will sound that way too. I don’t want to take a chance with the good vibes I’ve got going on.

I will admit, briefly, that the lead up to this week was anything but jolly. There were a number of emotionally charged things going on and it all brought me to a place where, for days, I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t figure out why. I thought maybe if I gave in to the need the pressure would ease. There were no tears, so that idea was of no value. One thing did help, I counted up all the stresses over the previous week. That explained a lot. Once you get past a certain number a melt down is inevitable.

I worried that a lock-down covid Christmas would only make things worse. Thankfully the opposite happened.

It all began on the 21st when things started out sideways. My daughter-in-law talked about a video call at 4 pm, my eldest and his family. When it didn’t come at four as suggested I thought it wasn’t happening after all. Part way through a piece of blueberry pie my cell phone rang with a video call. No time for primping. I can laugh about it now.

Our whole family gets along well and has a lot of fun together but, scattered all over the country we don’t see each other very often. None of us are good with phone calls either. When we do talk though, it goes on for hours. After three hours I’d seen most of the house and talked with everyone in the house. It was just what I needed.

The next night we had scheduled a full family Zoom call. The first one we’ve ever had as a group and it was four hours of awesome. Nothing fancy or spectacular just the simple joy of being together and seeing each other. I think a few grandkids and a spouse or two may have checked out after awhile and left us to it.

I think part of the reason we were all fully in the moment was the recent loss of an extended family member. It reminded us of the fragility of life. Some of us are not getting any younger and the sudden, unexpected passing could have been any one of us. It sounds like we are going to commit to regular monthly visits while we still can. Just not four hours long. I’m couldn’t be happier about the promise of more visits.

Christmas Eve I delivered gifts to my daughter’s family in the city. I didn’t plan to stay long with covid restrictions in place but I was there long enough to see most of another family Zoom call with the extended side of the family. They enjoy each other immensely too and it was a treat to experience their interactions.

I enjoy all of the families my kids have married into. I feel very blessed. Most, if not all of us, find it easy to allow others into our family circles and it’s awesome.

So, aside from conversations I had fun with gifts this year.

I usually just give the teen-aged boys money. I’m a lousy shopper and I want them to be happy. I fully intended to use that method again this year but at the last minute changed my mind and ordered something. It wasn’t a new thought, I’ve been wanting to do it for awhile now but waffled.

I gave them a family Christmas card explaining that I decided to spend their money for them, the gift would be arriving before the 31st and it is a secret. I know they will love the gift. In the meantime curiosity is driving them crazy. It’s a good thing I’m not with them or they would be dragging it out of me. Anticipation is a good thing sometimes.

Included in the bag with the card was a couple of big bags of variety junk food, flavored chips, and three books. Big books.

Several years ago when their cousins (my other grandkids) were visiting I gifted them with a couple of full bags of books. My goal was to find stories they could get hooked on and from there develop a love of reading. I had selection help from a nerdy, teen-age book-lover sales clerk so I knew the options offered were good.

I held back three books (all part of a series with stand alone books) waiting for them to be in need of more reading material. Middle boy is the book lover, boys one and three – not so much… not yet anyway. The distress over the thought of such long books was hilarious. Their dad said he would give oldest boy fifty dollars if he read the whole 600 pages. (If dad was serious about the reward I think I will make a contribution to the incentive. Must check it out.)

Their reaction was no surprise and I didn’t take it personally. Reading is such an important skill, I wanted to do my part to provide tempting reading material. One day they will find a book they love. Aside from that, it gets easier with practice so any book they read will take them in the right direction.

I know they will be happy with the gift when it arrives, It will have them forgetting all about books, I’m sure.

I was unsure how I would feel about coming home to an empty house at this time of year. Usually I would stay with them for a few days to make the most of the season.

Once in a while, when I return from a family visit, grief at being alone will hit me like an unexpected tidal wave. It didn’t happen this time. I think there were several reasons. My emotional tank was refilled with the many hours spent with my family. (virtual works for me.) At the same time someone was praying for me. A friend mentioned I have been on her mind lately and she’s been praying for me even though she had no idea what the need was. I can still feel the comfort of her prayers wrapped all around me. I am grateful beyond words.

It was in answer to my prayers too. Earlier in the week I had cried out to God in my despair and he answered me. (there is a bible verse that says it like that). The change was so dramatic it feels like a miracle.

So, that’s my story. It has been an unexpectedly good Christmas and I still feel good.

(I hope the same for you)

Story prompt – Misery

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Story Prompt is hosted by Confusing Middle’s – Sunday Scribblings

Misery

I wanted to be sure I understood the definition of this word at the beginning of the process so I looked it up. I had some preconceived ideas happening and was headed in a certain direction with this story but with the proper definition in mind I’ve had to rethink some things. I will still end up in the same place though, because it’s a good place.

The general consensus seems to be that misery is an emotion stemming from overly wanting what you don’t have or overly NOT wanting what you DO have.

I don’t know that I would describe myself as miserable. My thinking was – it is what it is. Count your blessings, it could be worse.

I wasn’t happy for the above reasons. Wanting and not wanting. Life was complicated. At least my life was. There was nothing I could do to change any of it. The hopelessness of that reality made things harder to handle.

After a few decades of emotional decline (hopelessness will do that to you) it occurred to me that I needed to take a stand. Life could not go on as it was, changes were needed. I wasn’t sure how this conversation would go. Let’s just say things moved rather quickly and before I knew what was happening I was free of the situation.

One of the most difficult things, in those early years, was the passive aggressive nature behind the misery. I felt all alone, like no one noticed what was (or wasn’t) happening and I felt that if I talked no one would believe me anyway.

I still feel the same way, actually. I haven’t managed to clear the belief hurdle enough to talk about those years to any great extent. I’m working on it but it’s a slow process.

The good news is that there are small victories along the way and they are always a surprise.

The positive thing coming out of today’s exercise is encouraging and validating.

Back in the early days I thought no one noticed.

Today I realize I was wrong.

As I was putting this piece together in my head I was thinking about three nice gifts offered over the course of several years. Back then I looked at surface reasons for the gifts and while I was grateful, I can now see that I was missing the point.

Looking at the memory of those gifts (experiences) from today’s perspective I can see that they were designed to be helpful. Someone was paying attention and wanted to make a difference.

Here I thought no one noticed.

One emotion I am not feeling with this realization … misery.

*******

Further reflection (by the light of day) has me realizing many people could have known and yet no one said a word.

Embarrassment comes crashing in to replace relief that at least one someone knew.

Misery follows hard on the heels of embarrassment.

Denial won’t work, saying you are assuming too much, people didn’t know. A dozen or more years ago in a drug store, I ran into a man visiting in my new town. In the midst of catching up he admitted he knew, way back then.

I’ve come too far now in the healing process to let misery win. I can’t and I won’t.

Every hard thing faced has led me to a better place. Facing this new revelation will only help things along.

Besides, I don’t like misery well enough to wallow in it! So, there.