Intimacy Anorexia: a review

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Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage by Douglas Weiss PHD.

Up until recently I knew of this book only by quotes I’d read. They were helpful but for some reason I never did read the whole book. Now I am wishing I had, much sooner.   Questions that have plagued me for years, and questions I hadn’t thought to ask, have been answered. At the start of the book I had questions in mind about one relationship, at the end, there were answers about 4 or 5 relationships.

Pondering  my new discoveries, I realize; this is not a new dilemma in families and relationships. This is an ancient generational issue.

In the introduction, Dr. Weiss mentions how he and his colleagues began to notice, in their practices of treating sex addicts, a type of client they couldn’t clinically explain.

This person, usually but not always, a male, was addicted to sex but was not having sex with his spouse.

Eventually, Dr. Weiss and his colleagues realized this practise had more to do with avoiding intimacy than it had to do with avoiding sex.

In case you think this is something that couldn’t be affecting you, Dr. Weiss mentions 25% and higher, as the number of people living with this.

You might be wondering, too, how this situation could fit so many relationships in my life. It turns out, avoidance of emotional intimacy affects not just the spouse but the whole family, in varying degrees.

Most statistics are based on information gathered. Many of us keep the family secrets,  what would stats be like if we didn’t?

In this book, the author will give a definition, characteristics, causes, patterns and strategies, and much more. This information will be helpful to both the addict and the spouse. There is also a companion workbook with exercises and a twelve step program to help with recovery.

If you read the book and need more help than it provides, they have phone in counselling sessions that can arranged. They also have three day, intensives, on site at their counselling center.

As Dr. Weiss says, their goal is to promote healing of this unique addiction process that is devastating so many marriages.

This book, and many of his other books, can be found on Amazon.com  Amazon.ca and probably other Amazon sites as well.

Books can also be ordered directly from his website  drdougweiss.com

A companion book to Intimacy Anorexia is Married and Alone and focuses on the spouse. I hope to read it soon and post another review.

If any of this strikes a chord in your heart and mind, I hope you will pursue this information more quickly than I have.

Also, if anyone wants to talk about this, the best place is probably on my Facebook page Janette McCormack-Blogger. Either a comment or a message. Keep in mind though, it is a public site.

May you find needed healing, and blessings, in these resources.

 

 

 

Should we care what people think?

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Is this a question you ask yourself when you write? I have been asking myself this question, again, the last few days, partly because of my own up and down emotions, partly  because of recent bloggers comments. It seems we all wrestle with this recurring question in one form or another.

I can remember the turmoil, before taking the plunge into blogging. I worried about  how, or even if, I could handle opposition and nasty comments. The comments on Facebook and news sites were nasty, I assumed this was a universal reaction to blogs everywhere. Happily, it seems the opposite is true, judging by the comments, or lack of comments, on this site. We are polite and kind to one another, which is a pleasant surprise. Or maybe it’s the filters built into this site protecting us. Either way, it seems to be a safe place.

The question of honesty and openness is big enough to be left for another day. But, in regard to the aspect of caring what others think when we share honestly- I am coming to  recognize that people are free to choose when to read and when not to read.  If this is the case, we can stop beating ourselves up over possibly offending our readers. If they don’t like how we think they will move on. The circle of people surrounding us will appreciate our thoughts…. unless they are simply there to build up their own numbers, in which case they probably don’t read our blog anyway, so it’s all good. At least that’s what I tell myself.

The plus side of sharing honestly, whether anyone reads it or not, is the self discovery that comes by laying things out in a logical and clear fashion. Moments of realization.

I’ve had a few of those recently, they would account for the up and down emotions of the last few days.

A time of sharing will come after a time of processing these new discoveries. Preceded by a time of thinking about who will be offended by the sharing.

The self discovery is worth it, I can tell you that, no matter what anyone thinks.

If you, too, are struggling with this question, I hope you will forge ahead with writing honestly, to experience more of your own moments of realization and the freedom it brings. Chains falling off.

 

Check out some of the good books read this last week or so.

An Avery Black Mystery – Cause to Kill book 1 – Blake Pierce ….. a strong female protagonist with a broken and scandal ridden past tracks down a serial killer. I enjoy Blake Pierce mysteries.

Detective Madison Knight Series – Sacrifice book 3 – Carolyn Arnold … a young man washes up on the shore, there are forces at work to hinder the investigation.

Called to Serve Series – Deployed book 1 – Mel Odom….  a strong female protagonist

Deborah Jones Crime Thriller Series – Miami Requiem book 1 – J B Turner ….. a determined reporter trying to track down the truth about a murder before the death penalty is carried out.

A Nuts About Nuts cozy mystery – A Tough Case to Crack – Cindy Bell…… a move, to a new life, only to find things are not as expected

Sullivan and Broderick Murder Investigation – The Rock book 1 – Robert Daws

False Identity – Jennifer Youngblood and Sandra Poole…..   romance

The Sweethaven Circle Series – A Sweethaven Summer book 1 – Courtney Walsh….. four inseparable friends are drawn back together as adults, after many years of separation.

Montana Skies Series – Cry of My Heart book 1 – Linda Ford …. adults faced with brokenness, a result of their childhood loses, and how it is crippling their adult lives and a love that started in their preteen years.

Here’s to discovering Good books to read!

Lyrics with something to say

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Well, Facebook is off to a good start, I think, 4 of my friends have signed up as followers and have given some glowing reviews , so I am encouraged. It’s hard to decide where to spend my time, I have great ideas for both here and there.

In regard to content, I’ve decided to go with what my inner voice is telling me to write/post, which is a little conflicting sometimes because I know not everyone likes the things I do, like Southern Gospel Music for example. I have this inner need to please, that’s where the conflict comes in, it’s impossible to please everyone, and when you try, you please no one, so, without apology, I think I will go with whatever my heart is wanting to say and trust it will be the right thing for the moment.

There have been some songs playing nonstop in my head the last couple of days and I have shared them on Facebook. Like I said, I know not everyone gets excited about Southern Gospel Music, and to be honest it is not my favorite genre of music either, having said that though, I can’t name a favorite, because I like things from every genre… except Rap, I am not a fan of Rap.

The thing I love so much about Southern Gospel is, the lyrics, they are real and deep, touching my heart in ways I cannot put words to. Specifically, I like all things Gaither, Bill and Gloria Gaither have such an upbeat way of expressing deep truths. My kids mock me for my Gaither collection, well over 100 of his videos, videos I have played non stop, for days sometimes, letting the melodies take the lyrics way down deep in my soul and spirit. Donnie McGuire,  http://www.rambomcguire.com , a prolific producer/songwriter, says music has a way of changing us when it has a chance to work it’s way inside, he is right. These songs have been with me in the dark valleys, and they have been with me on the mountain tops. These songs have kept me sane, and in a good place.

I’m hoping that some of you will listen to the songs shared, enough times that they settle in your spirit, to make a difference, changing you in positive healthy ways. And I hope listening to well written songs will inspire you to produce your own well written songs, songs that will settle in someone’s spirit to make a difference.

Well, this post didn’t go the way I envisioned at the start, but that’s okay. This actually started out as an update, and an invite to check out Facebook , Janette McCormack-Blogger. I hope you will visit, on an ongoing basis, because I plan to share more well written songs over there every week.

Wishing you all a great day, filled with music.

More books on the next post.

Now on Facebook too

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I’ve just started a Facebook page, Janette McCormack-Blogger , that’s the big news for today. There’s not much there yet but at least it is started and I will work on filling it out.

If you like to follow on Facebook I look forward to seeing you there.

This week has been a time of heavy thinking and I’ve needed a little distraction; some of these books have done it for me,  a couple of lighter reads along with.. a not so light read.

It has been a good week for downloads too. Some weeks are slimmer than others so a week with lots of good choices feels like Christmas!

Books Read

A Bradford Sisters Novella  – Then Came You – Becky Wade

Modern Conveniences Series – Lost in Love book 3 – Leah Atwood

The Mystery: Finding True Love in a World of Broken Lovers – Lacey Sturm…..  this is non-fiction, the poignant story of  a life of struggle.

Christmas Mysteries Book Series – Christmas Mystery – James Kipling

New page added….. Relationships-Resources

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A new page has been added for non fiction books helpful on my journey. Also added on my profile is a link to a site I’ve followed for a number of years. Heart to Heart Counseling Center, with Doug Weiss Ph.D, it has been a major contributor to my healing journey and I want to share it for anyone who could benefit from this site. They have a large selection of helpful books and DVDs.

Two of the books quoted regularly in the weekly emails were Married and Alone, and  Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage. The quotes were life changing for me, I think it’s time to read the books, so I’ve downloaded them.

I will share my thoughts on these two books in a later post.

In the meantime, check out the new page, if it would be helpful to you on your journey.

Blessings!

Janette

Is there a common thread?

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I believe there is.

This blog seems to have fallen into two different areas, with different audiences. My mind even puts them in separate camps when I write.

I’ve spent considerable time today thinking about the relationship between Life Story and Books …. not by design, it just happened. Maybe all this thinking was triggered by the few pages read while investigating a book to download –  “The Mystery – Finding True Love in a World of Broken Lovers” by Lacey Sturm. (a book I am very much looking forward to reading)

At the end of the day I’ve had to admit, while not everyone is wanting to think about both, the subjects of life and books are intertwined,

The reason I think this is:

  • We all have a story, we all face good times and bad, age has very little bearing on when either will happen.
  • Many of us find reading to be a refuge in our troubled places, our love of reading becomes deeper than ever.
  • We may seek help by reading books related to our situations, other times a character in a story will say or do something that strikes a chord and changes our perspective, a little.
  • However it goes, in good times and bad, books are a major part of a readers life. Books and life, intertwined.

I will admit, writing about books is much easier – and more fun. Writing about my story –  definitely harder. I do it because there is someone out there needing to know they aren’t alone in the their struggle. And….for those who have yet to face hard places,……. maybe they will remember something helpful when they do.

“Into every life a little rain must fall” I’m not sure who said it but it’s true. Another truth, “this too shall pass”. Both the good and the bad. Just hold on. And read a good book!

Several more books

The Gin Palace Trilogy – The Bone Orchard book 2, The Gin Palace book 3 – Daniel Judson   I liked the first two books the best, the third one felt like he was just trying to get it done.

Beastly Charm: a contemporary retelling of Beauty and the Beast – Jennifer Youngblood, and Sandra Poole …  an enjoyable read

Happy Reading!

Be an avid reader, to become an excellent writer

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This is my advice to aspiring writers with a promising story inside.

Read really good books, and only good books. You time is valuable and in short supply, don’t spend it on a book that is less than excellent. I know excellence by the way it captures my interest. Genre doesn’t matter, nor does the reputation of the author. The only thing that matters is the way the story draws you in.

Avidly reading excellent books will impact your writing. It’s like eating gourmet food, it spoils you for anything less.

As you experience phrases like “the blue and red colours of the neon sign bled into the wet street”, from The Poisoned Rose by Daniel Judson, they will stick in your mind and you will automatically know a better way to say things.

Don’t spend too much time over-thinking the choice of  book to read. Some of my best finds have been when there was little thought at all, just the seizing of an opportunity.

BookBub, Amazon, Instafreebie, and Gospel eBooks, have become my best friends, I’ve found so many treasures paying attention to their offerings.

Read anything and everything, and then read more of the authors you want to be like, spend enough time with them and you will begin to write like them.

That’s what I am doing…. all of the above, and it is changing me.

Currently reading “The Bone Orchard” sequel to “The Poisoned Rose” by Daniel Judson

To good reading!

The best stories use actions to give the details

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I love being drawn in to a story, like I am really there, a fly on the wall watching it all happen. I love feeling the emotions….

NCIS is one of my favorite TV shows…… because the actors are so convincing they make you feel like you are watching their life. You forget it is only a story.

When books do the same thing…. there’s nothing better!

Two books stood out this week.

Tara Sharp Series – Sharp Shooter book 1 – Marianne Delacourt …. this was such a fun  read. Tara has the ability to see auras around people, a gift that can be as distressing as it is helpful. Trouble seems to follow her around as she tries to unravel mysteries, using her gift, and that adds to the fun, for the reader.

The Gin Palace Trilogy – The Poisoned Rose book 1 – Daniel Judson….  the thing I loved most about this book was the way details were demonstrated by actions. Daniel Judson has done a masterful job of that. The story was engaging too, enough that I want to read the rest of the series, something I don’t often do.

There was a third mystery this week, it came in just behind these two.

A Spider Latham Red Rock Mystery – Trouble at the Red Pueblo book 4 – Liz Adair….  My favorite thing about this book, aside from the fact it is well written, was the story line. It was fresh, engaging, and believable. It didn’t feel anything like any other book I’ve read. I love originality.

 

 

 

Moving on…… to a new season of life.

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A long, hermit like season of my life seems to be coming to an end. This is good news.

A season unbearable in some ways, yet profoundly healing in others. It has been a painful time of honesty ending in a deepening relationship with the One who has travelled every step of life’s journey with me and has waited decades for the right time to reveal, mend, and restore the broken places.

Now, as the tail end of this healing season is in sight, I realize it dealt primarily with childhood issues, and very little with those of my adult life. This makes me sad because I was hoping for both. The distressing thing is, there is no clear picture in my mind of what it would take for this to happen, in regard to my adult life. I try to figure out what is still missing, forgiveness? Understanding? The missing pieces elude me.

The last few weeks I’ve been thinking back on how this hermit journey started. Life events show it started the first moment I allowed myself to take an honest look at my adult situation. Funny how that works sometimes. Deal with one era by bringing change in another.

This time of honesty turned out to be the beginning of many changes.

From the very early days of our marriage there was a deep knowing that something wasn’t right but there was nothing to indicate what it was. I still don’t know for sure what that something was. Looking back to the beginning, from the vantage point of maturity, I see unrecognized indicators but no clear picture. Attempts at conversation over the years haven’t been helpful either. I may never know the truth and I have to be okay with it. The truth is part of someone else’s story and is not mine to discover. I can’t pursue understanding the way I wish I could, that would be invasive and unfair.

For many years, our life was putting one foot in front of the other, doing the best we could with what we had. On the surface life was good in many ways, there were no beatings, there was food on the table, and I always knew where he was. I was glad for the husband I had because I thought all those negative things could have been true if I had made a different choice. Now I can see the lie in that thought, because none of my teenage choices turned out to be the kind of men to do any those things so why would a different adult choice have led to the disasters my mind kept throwing at me. Low self imagine has had much to do with the decades long process this turned out to be.

Underneath the acceptance of life as good, there was a deep unhappiness coupled with a profound lack of understanding for the reason. I read a helpful book a few years ago, it described much of what I was going through in the early years. It said we often know something is wrong but can’t put it into words. That was me.

Life went on this way for decades, fluctuating between times of peace and times of despair.

Denial only works for so long, eventually something will burst forth and there will be no choice but to allow the moment of honesty. It was a shock. It required a response.

It was a shock to recognize we weren’t truly living a life, we were merely role playing, both in our personal and professional lives. It’s impossible to do a job well while role playing. The fruits of our efforts were indicators of that.

Honesty needed a response.

The right course of action in this moment of honesty was to move on, leave the role playing behind. Circumstances lined up in cooperation with this decision. Everything about our lives changed, – location, occupations, activities, view of life, our relationship.

This was the beginning of the healing process, one that would take more than two decades.

When I started to write this post my goal was to work my way through to the present day view of my life. I had a reason for that goal. Nothing has turned out quite like I intended.

Some of this subject has been difficult to address and yet the exercise of writing about it has had unexpected benefits. New thoughts have been introduced and need some meditation time. It is a break through of sorts. Maybe the healing end is not as far off as I first thought.

I need a break to consider some things before continuing with this subject. I’m sure there will be a continuing, it still has an unfinished feel to it.

Until next time…..

Books read since last post

Maine Justice – The Priority Unit book 1 – Susan Paige Davis …. this was a read all night book, literally, loved it

Blackbird Fly – Lise McClendon….. I liked the bones of this story and went to the end, in leaps and jumps. It was a frustrating read, full of unnecessary details (at least that is my opinion) but I did want to stick with it long enough to see what happened.

BoneMan’s Daughters – Ted Dekker (mystery)

Silver Cascade Secrets – Rachelle Christensen

Full Circle – Davis Bunn (mystery)

Kiss – Ted Dekker and Erin Healy (mystery/thriller)

The Courage Series – For Real book 3 – Staci Stallings

Summer Love in the Bahamas – Smile For Me book 1 –  Jan Thompson

New pages added to this blog

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More new books at the end!

I’ve created some  new pages as a place to list books read. It’s great to list them at the bottom of each post so we can easily identity what’s new, but afterwards, they kind of get lost. Maybe a separate page would be a good way to find them again. We’ll give it a try.

The new pages are Romance….. Mystery/Thriller……. and.. Other Genres.

Other Genres is pretty much a mixed bag. If ever another category clearly shows up in this list, it can have it’s own page.

Mystery/Thriller has been published for you, the other two are still under construction.

If you find these pages helpful or interesting, leave a comment and let me know. Feedback would be useful I think.

Books read this week  –  all of them good reads

Unwritten: A Novel – Charles Martin……… as always, this novel is intensely real and engrossing, and, as always with his books, once started I couldn’t stop. I am putting this book under romance because it fits better than in mystery but it’s really not a romance. It’s about people facing life, trying to find a way to live through it.

One Last Summer – Jo Noelle…….. a short romance

The Seventh Sergeant (Three Rivers Ranch Romance Book 6)  – Liz Isaacson and Elena Johnson …… I think I’ve read most of the previous ones, this was a good story.

The Hideway – Lauren Denton ….. a romance centered around a group of unusual characters, mixed with family secrets.

Black & Blue (Lord and Lady Hetheridge Mystery Series Book 4) – Emma Jameson ….. I’ve read other book in this series and enjoyed them all.

Finding Courage (Love’s Compass Book 3) – Melanie D Snitker ……. a romance faced with intense family issues, will they survive?

Her Mother’s Hope (Marta’s Legacy Book 1) – Francine Rivers …… we grow up in difficult circumstances and run away to flee that kind of life, but in the end, have we really left it behind? or does history repeat itself anyway?