It really is complicated, and it’s causing discomfort – like a pebble in my shoe. The pebble moves around a bit and there are periods of relief, but lately it’s been sitting in a tender spot and doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to move on.
This latest state of discomfort started with a conversation back in December, just before I left on my winter road trip to British Columbia to spend Christmas with family.
I was telling a friend about some of the people I hoped to see along the way, including some of my work clients I’ve never met in person. I was startled by her quick response – but you are still married.
My instant reaction was an emotional – what’s that got to do with anything? I felt like I was being wrongly accused of something.
I haven’t been able to get this conversation out of my mind and it has become the proverbial pebble in my shoe.
There are two things troubling me about the conversation – the thought patterns behind her comment, and the trigger behind my reactive response.
My weak and ailing marriage fractured more than two decades ago and I have been on my own for at least half that time. The relationship is dead and buried. Divorce is not a reality only because I have been reluctant to address it, (the reasons behind that need to be explored, another day) so I am not sure why she thinks the lack of a divorce is a relevant issue.
Also, as I’ve shared in other posts, I have major trust issues with men and have been actively avoiding any chance of another relationship. My friend knows this too, so – where is her thinking coming from?
I feel bad about my reaction to her because it is not one she has ever seen from me. I expect she felt a little like she’d been punched. That’s the trouble with triggers, reactions to them are unpredictable and often painful to the person on the receiving end.
As I think about all of this, I am reminded of similar conversations with other people in other settings. Conversations that were distressingly perplexing because I couldn’t figure out the reasoning or motivation behind them. In every instance I felt like I was being wrongfully accused of something. And, in some cases the conversations became quite emotional.
Maybe that’s the trigger, feeling wrongfully accused. I will have to think some more on this, at a later date.
Now, after a week of letting all of these thoughts simmer, I expect my friend has moved on and forgotten all about this brief conversation, and I need to do the same.
The exercise of thinking and writing my way through this issue has been more than beneficial. The proverbial pebble in my shoe has ceased to be a bother. My original thoughts on this subject have been replaced by today’s much more coherent offering and I am left with new, and healing, insights into both sides of the conversation.
It occurs to me that the thoughts expressed by the other party in these conversations may have stemmed from the space they are in personally, and had little to do with me at all. Maybe I need to stop making everything about me. Maybe I need to pay more attention to the pain of others and give greater consideration to things going on in their lives.
The benefits of understanding have also been reinforced. Understanding why seems to take the heat out of certain thoughts and emotions and allows me to move on to a healthier place.
This has been a productive exercise. It looks like I will be doing it again soon.
Wild Wyoming Hearts – Marrying Miss Marshal book 1 – Lacy Williams ….. Dana Carpenter, the town marshal, with abilities unrecognized by local citizens, has to work alone because no one is willing to work with her.
Clayburn Novels – Remember to Forget – Deborah Raney …. Maggie Anderson has been living under her boyfriend’s tyranny for two years, but circumstances change with a carjacking on the middle of the night run to pick up his whiskey.
Crowns and Courtships – Heart of a Prince book 1 – Carol Moncado …. Vacationing Jordan Haines has been on the water longer than he should have. Needing a rest, he spies an empty secluded private beach.
Crystal Lake Series – A Soldier’s Promise book 2 – Laura Scott…. Julie Crain has a soft heart for people in need but doesn’t want to get involved this time. Not after the last attempt to help turned into a relationship that ended badly.
The Jess Williams Trilogy books 1 – 3 – Robert J Thomas – This is a Western thriller series with a take-no-prisoner outlook on life.
Women and War Series – Molly book 3 – Ellie Keaton …. Molly wants to join the war effort as a pilot but the US Air Force is not admitting female pilots, yet. Britain on the other hand is desperate for pilots. Travelling by ship, Molly and her friends face the threat of U-boats and other perils before they even set foot in Britain. The man she loves is over there somewhere too, as a fighter pilot, and it has been two years since she last heard from him.
Cornerstone series – Goodbye, Magnolia book 1 – Krista Noorman … Maggie is secure in the smooth operation of her successful wedding photography business, until uncertainty shows up in the form of an old, and unloved, classmate. Forced by circumstances to form an alliance with a man she considers the enemy, she has to face up to her fears, and incorrect assumptions.
8 Minutes to… Digital Winter – Mark Hitchcock and Alton Gansky … a twenty-two year old savant, with physical limitations, spends all of his time on his computer, creating a virus capable of taking out power grids everywhere. Aided by a shadowy companion he sends out the virus causing world wide blackouts, everywhere but in his New York apartment. Government agencies scramble to figure out who is behind all this, and his parents wonder at the power they have while others around them don’t.
A Nest of Sparrows – Deborah Raney…. Wade didn’t expect to ever fall in love, but he did. And he loved her three children as if they were his own. The unthinkable happens before the wedding can take place and Wade and the children are left to cope with their grief. Uncertainty is very real as it isn’t clear if he will be able to keep them.
Wings of Glory – A Distant Melody book 1- Sarah Sundin …. Allie will do anything to gain her mother’s approval, including marrying a man she doesn’t love. Lt Walter Novak is fearless in the cockpit but hopeless with women. He takes his last furlough at home, before shipping out, to attend a wedding , meeting Allie, forming a friendship around a mutual love of music. Can they untangle their secrets and commitments soon enough to have a future together. Wings of Glory follows the three Novak brothers, B17 bomber pilots stationed in England during World War II. 4 stars
The Omega Trilogy – Unbound book 1- J B Simmons … Elijah Goldsmith is trying to ignore dreams he has been having, nightmares about a dragon destroying St Peter’s Basilica in Rome. He’s never been to Rome. Graduating soon, he is applying to be a spy with the International Security Agency where he meets Naomi. There is a strong attraction between them and she makes him want to share his secrets. As they delve into finding an interpretation for the dreams it seems there is more to their attraction than romance, something else is at play here. The year is 2066, when the world ends. 4 stars I hope to read the next two in this Sci-Fi/Fantasy series.
Trial by Fire – DiAnn Mills….. Special Agent Savannah Barrett and her partner SA Paul Winston are in the middle of investigating a number of puzzling church fires when she receives word her estranged son and his wife have been killed in a car accident, She is instantly guardian to three grandchildren she didn’t know she had. Life is thrown into disarray as she adjusts to having children again. And life is even worse when the church arsonist begins to target her, and her family. 4 stars
Talking to The Dead: a Novel – Bonnie Grove … Kate Davis is struggling after the unexpected death of her husband. She can’t bear to go upstairs so she has been camped out on the sofa in the living room for weeks. She hasn’t bathed, changed clothes or been out of the house, and she can’t sleep – because her husband Kevin keeps talking to her. She is questioning her sanity. She tries many places to find help with this but fails miserably. Until she meets Jack, a warm hearted, unconventional pastor of a ramshackle church. Kevin’s voice seems to get quieter, until she begins to uncover his secrets, then he starts yelling. This was a good book, definitely a different twist.
The Lady’s Slipper – Deborah Swift … English artist Alice Ibbetson discovers the fragile flower she thought was extinct, in the nearby forest and steals it. She wants to paint it and find a way preserve it’s life for generations to come. She is not the only one to want it. A herbalist wants it for his medicines and a farmer wants it to increase his fortunes, hoping it will become the next craze in gardening circles. In her efforts to save the flower Alice finds herself caught up in danger, treachery and unexpected passion. Historical fiction.
Sweet Hearts of Sweet Creek – Her Heart’s Promise book 2 – Carolyne Aarsen …. As the plain sister with two beautiful siblings Nadine is used to being overlooked but she is not going to allow to late father’s employer to overlook his suspicious death. She plans to use her position as editor of the local newspaper to help her find the truth. The trouble is, her high school crush and new owner of the paper, wants the story buried. To further complicate her life, she has a sick mother, a matchmaking grandmother, and a fake boyfriend who turns out to be real.
Ladies of the Manor – The Lost Heiress book 1 – Roseanna M White …. Brook Eden was raised in the palace in Monaco, brought there under suspicious circumstances by the woman she calls Maman. She is British but has no idea who she really is and expects she is low born and could never be deemed acceptable to marry her childhood friend Justin. Things change when Justin discovers who she really is. And meeting her family with their secrets puts her life in jeopardy all over again.
Moonlighter Series – Distortion book 1 – Terri Blackstock …. Juliet Cole watches as her husband is gunned down in what she thinks is a random shooting. He has always been a model citizen and she cannot believe the things she is learning from the agencies investigating his death. There is little choice about believing when her home is ransacked and her life and that of her family is threatened. Juliet and her sisters help investigate, looking for the truth as secrets come to light, and life as she knows it crumbles. Was anything about her life real?
Riley Paige Mystery – Once Taken book 2 – Blake Pierce …. Women are showing up dead, hanging in public places tied up in straight jackets and chains. Riley Paige is popular for her ability to get inside the mind of a serial killer and when called in to help with this case is reluctant to go because she is convinced the serial killer targeting her family has not died like everyone thinks. A page turner thriller. Once Gone book 1 is still free if you want to give this author a try. In fact there is a Blake Pierce Mystery Bundle that is free with 4 books in it, even better.
A Keri Locke Mystery – A Trace of Death book 1 – Blake Pierce…. Keri, a Missing Persons detective in the Homicide division of LAPD, is haunted by the abduction of her still missing daughter. Obsessed with finding her, Keri buries herself in work to deal with the grief. A call about a girl missing two hours should have been ignored but she hears something in the mother’s voice that makes her decide to investigate. The trail has gone cold and she is ordered off the case but can’t bring herself to quit despite the possible repercussions. Everyone has secrets, especially the daughter, and the father. A dark thriller you can’t put down.
A Keri Locke Mystery – A Trace of Murder book 2 – Blake Pierce…. Keri, still haunted by the loss of her daughter has the first solid lead in years but she has to put it aside when a frantic call comes in from a well known plastic surgeon reporting his wife has been missing for 2 days. Keri is teamed up with a new partner (one she hates) while her regular partner recuperates from injuries sustained in the last case. On the surface it looks like this well liked socialite has tired of her life and run away but conflicting evidence makes Keri think there is something sinister going on. Another engrossing thriller.
Sloane Monroe Mystery – Bed of Bones book 5 – Cheryl Bradshaw … Sometimes even the deepest, darkest secrets find their way to the surface. 13 year old Willie Compton and his younger brother Leonard stumble upon an old mineshaft. Leonard’s slinky flips in to the opening and he slips and falls in when he reaches for it. Present day interest in the mines has grown and the mysteries of the past are about to meet the present.
Full Heart Ranch Series – See Me, Cover Me book 4 – Barbara Gee…. Tanner James can barely remember who he was before FBI. Years of dangerous undercover work can change a man. He has learned to be whoever he needs to be to protect himself but that all changes when his boss orders him to take time off. One look in this cold volunteer’s eyes and determined Izzy Harding is plotting ways to lighten the man’s burdens. A task not for the faint of heart.
Chasing Fireflies…. Never settle for less than the truth, she told him. But when you don’t even know your real name, the truth gets a little complicated. As Chase Walker found out, finding the truth about yourself can be as elusive, and as magical, as chasing fireflies on a summer night. A haunting story of discovery.
Awakening – The Dead Don’t Dance book 1….. In a sleepy rural town it’s the end of summer and a baby is about to be born. In the midst of hope and celebration comes unexpected tragedy, and Dylan Sykes must come to terms with how much he’s lost. Will the music of his heart be stilled forever….or will he choose to dance with life once more, in spite of sorrow and heartbreak? A bittersweet but triumphant love story.
Awakening – Maggie book 2 …. Life began again for Dylan when his wife awoke from a coma brought on by the intense two day labor to deliver their son. In this poignant love story, to embrace their future they must first come to terms with their past.
A Life Intercepted… Matthew Rising had it all. He was married to his high school sweetheart, was one of the best quarterbacks in college football and a number one NFL draft pick. On the night of the draft he was accused of a heinous crime with irrefutable evidence and he lost it all including his freedom. Out of prison, he wants to find his wife who has been in hiding since the trial. He finds her living among the nuns of the Catholic school, coaching a teenage boy with exceptional ability. She will speak to him only enough to let him know she wants him to coach the boy. This would violate his parole if discovered but would it be enough to get his wife back.
Long Way Gone…. Eighteen year old Copper O’Conner leaves home with his dad’s treasures, to find fame and fortune in Nashville, a dream that doesn’t materialize. Just as he is falling in love with Daley, a rising star in the music world, tragedy strikes and with nowhere else to go, he returns home. Daley shows up in his home town, 20 years later, and he wonders if he is being given a second chance to get it right.
The Mountain Between Us….. When a blizzard strands them in the Salt Lake City airport, total strangers (a gifted surgeon, and a magazine writer on the way to her wedding) anxious to get home, decide to charter a plane. The unthinkable happens and the plane crashes on a rugged mountain top. Injured, and with no way of calling for help, will they be able to survive long enough to be rescued?
Thunder and Rain ….. Tyler Steele is a third generation Texas Ranger, with a strong sense of right and wrong and a tough outer shell that worked well in his job but brought an end to his marriage. Retired and raising his son on his own he is at risk of losing his ranch. He has to find a way to rebuild his life but doesn’t know how. Samantha and her daughter Hope are on the run from danger and are desperate and alone. Ty knows he can help, because that’s what he does.
Unwritten…. An actress running from her past finds escape with a man hiding from his future….. Two boats and a good knowledge of fishing, makes it easy for him to live off the grid on Florida’s coast. Until the one person linking him to the real world asks a favor. Helping a self destructive, high profile, actress has complicated his life and made him face things he has been running from. From Florida, they travel to the French countryside, where they will discover the unwritten story of both their pasts and their future.
Water From My Heart…. Charlie Finn had to grow up fast, living on his own by age sixteen. Highly intelligent, he earned a full scholarship to Harvard where he did well and developed friendships that allowed him to move in privileged circles. Social skills learned in college helped him successfully navigate lucrative, cutthroat, and dangerous business ventures. He tried to keep personal and business separated but his poor choices created devastating results and now he has gone to Central American to attempt to make amends with the ones who suffered the most by his bad decisions.
When Crickets Cry…. a spirited seven year old with a scar on her chest does a brisk business at her lemonade stand. The bearded stranger understands more about the scar than he wants to admit. A beat up bread truck careens around the corner, about to change their lives, teaching them both about unexpected miracles, and the painful reasons why crickets cry.
Where the River Ends…. He was a fishing guide and a struggling artist from a George trailer park; and she was the only child of North Carolina’s most powerful senator. They met by accident, and knew from the start they had found their soul mates. Ten years into their marriage she has developed terminal cancer and has a list of ten things she hopes to accomplish before she loses the fight, and he will do anything to make it all happen. They steal away in the middle of the night to start the 130 mile trek to the mouth of the St Mary’s river, a promise from the early days of their courtship.
Wrapped in Rain…. an internationally famous photographer, Tucker has travelled the world, capturing things other people don’t see. What he can’t see is how to forgive his father. His brother has escaped from a mental hospital and an old girlfriend has shown up with her son and a black eye, forcing him to go home and face the agony of his own tragic past.
The Lacemaker – Laura Frantz …. I haven’t read this one yet but have already started and it looks interesting. It’s about the American revolution and Lady Elizabeth Liberty Lawson. I think I have read books about her part in the war and the contribution she made inspite of the threat of being branded a spy. I’m interested in reading this one because I am intrigued with this author and would like to check her out, to see if she lives up to the recommendations. If it shows up in the list you will know I liked it.
The Mercy Falls Collection – The Light Keeper’s Daughter book 1 – Colleen Coble…. Addie Sullivan’s life is turned upside down when a stranger tells her she is not who she thinks she is, and the woman she calls mother, is not. Many secrets swirl around her presence in the lighthouse. To give them time to discover where the true danger lies the stranger suggests she take the position of governess in the household of her birth.