A rewired brain – abuse, pornography

August 12, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

Abuse and pornography = a rewired brain. Mine has been rewired by abuse starting at a very early age and I’m just now figuring it out.

Probably because I didn’t want to figure it out sooner.

Two things set this event in motion.

One of the comments appearing often over the last several years is that “the body remembers.” I have to say that’s true. One of the fleeting memories I had as a young kid and remember vividly to this day was straddling a metal barrel warmed by the sun, struck by the thought “I’ve had this experience of warmth before somewhere.” There are many other similar memories and thought patterns that added all together lead to a dark place.

Another happening adding to the discussion in my head was a recent podcast where the interviewee talked about his early introduction to pornography and how the practice rewired his brain and made relationships difficult. One of the biggest reasons, aside from guilt, for this difficulty in relationships is connection, or more precisely, a lack of it, and pornography contributes to it. But that’s a subject for another day.

For years I have wrestled with many things about my thought processes regarding men, especially compared to thought patterns of other women. I have an inexplicable love/hate relationship with them. I love having long conversations with my sons and brothers so there’s that. Then, I don’t exactly hate other men, I just run away from any who show interest.

This rewiring is apparent when I can’t understand the fascination young girls, or women for that matter, have with boys/men. The only experience I have with normal teenage thoughts is reading about them in books. I can’t relate to the giggling fascination. Swooning over cute boys, falling in and out of love regularly and sharing all the details of these interactions daily with their friends.

The reason I am happy about this recent new level of understanding about my mixed up feelings is my incessant need to know why. Why am I this way?

I’ve heard other abuse victims say this: there are two sides to the coin. On the one hand you hate the abusive experience forced on you while at the same time, the physical experience has a level of enjoyment to it. Our bodies betray us by liking what is happening.

I guess all of this explains why I have a good attitude toward the physical experience but a negative reaction to the thought of having a man in my life. The unwelcome hazy face rising up at the thought of sharing my life inevitably looks like one I wouldn’t want to be with. A thought killer right there.

I don’t really know how to end this. This whole conversation has been working in my mind for a while and today it seemed like this was the day I finally needed to talk it out.

My journey from abuse to wellness has been decades long and I have to say I am now the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m grateful. The truth has indeed set me free.

I’m understanding, on a minor level, the kind of abuse inflicted on me, I’ve made peace with the people involved even though they are no longer with us, and I’ve allowed enough difficult memories to surface to make understanding and healing possible.

I can also see the truth in the idea that rewiring by repetition of positive healthy experiences will change neural pathways. We can learn healthy new ways of being. That has been my prayer, that my thought patterns and reactions would be changed to a healthier version.

While I’m still baffled by my complicated thoughts and attitudes toward men, it’s something to realize that over the years (especially the teen years) many of my best friends were guys. It’s with thankfulness that I can agree that the abusive first decade of my life has been somewhat influenced and overwritten by the positive relationships of my free and healthy second decade, the teen years.

I guess I am a product of the good and the bad.

I’m grateful. Grateful for the good parts of life, grateful for the healing and understanding I have today.

I won’t lie though. The healing is not complete, it’s just markedly better. I’m still hiding away from men.

Somethings may never change lol

Enough of this, I’m off to rescue the dryer.

Interesting! July 10, 2022

July 10, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

What is it? That was the question.

Yesterday was a day for working in the yard, attempting to be rid of as many weeds as possible. I was hoping to spend as much time both days as I possibly could. It turned out to be way less than I hoped. It was hot and that makes it difficult to last very long. And I don’t do well in heat anyway.

Since I am always delighted to be reading it wasn’t much of a hardship taking extended breaks to cool off and recover.

One of the chores I felt pressured to get done was pruning several lilac bushes. They are the type that bloom on old growth and need to be pruned soon after flowering so this years growth will be there for next years blooms. With all the rain and hot weather we’ve had everything in the garden has become overgrown, these bushes were encroaching on the lawn making grass cutting a challenge. And it would be worse rather than better as the summer progresses.

While I was in that spot I needed to trim back some low hanging branches on the nearby Lilac tree (which you can see is much different than the bush,) Already we have to duck to get past it and before long it will be even worse. The blooms on the tree are large and as the season goes on they droop even lower with added weight.

I was trying to remove branches without blooms because they are pretty but not prolific. As I cleaned up the mess on the grass I found I’d cut a small branch with a bloom. Such a shame because it wasn’t finished yet.

Rather than toss it I decided to bring it in the house and put it in water, I could enjoy it a little longer, up close and personal.

After a few hours I noticed there was something funny was going on. The flower seemed to be quivering and tiny petals were beginning to litter the table. What in the world? As I went around it there was a tiny insect eating? the flowers, knocking tiny petals off in the process. My reaction was to get him outside, quickly.

I decided to carry the whole thing out the door to let the insect escape. Of course, rather than waiting for me to do this it flew to the window and stayed there.

I had never seen anything like it. It was tiny like a small ant but it had a body and coloring more like a little bee. Very strange indeed.

This morning it was still on the window. I expect it had had another go at the flower as there were more petals on the table. It was a dilemma. It was so small that it would be squished and die if I tried to pick it up. If it stayed inside it would die for lack of food and water. Finally I put a small plastic cup over it and it moved inside the rim enough that I could move outside with it. With a little coaxing it landed on the deck and then quickly flew away. For some reason it was a bit of a shock seeing that tiny bee take off like that.

I haven’t been able to get that little bee out of my mind and I had to see if I could figure it out. It was a surprise to find there are many versions of little bees. Some look like bees but are actually flies. Very interesting. Out of all of them there was one looking most like my little friend. It was called a sweat bee and is drawn to humans because of the salt on their sweaty skin.

Now the question is: was it the flower or my skin that was the attraction?

We will never know.

This bloom’s tree is making a timid appearance at the top, in the right hand corner, with his friend the Lilac bush.

Life is full of amazing surprises!

This and that, July 08, 2022

July 8, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

Photo by Kampus Production on Pexels.com

This is a just a start talking kind of day. With no book suggestions and no hot topics rolling around in my head I’ve got nothing.

Well, there is one topic consuming many of my thoughts the last few months. It centers around a few possible ideas for the rest of my life, or at least a good chunk of it.

The favorite idea at the moment involves selling my house and buying an RV, one that is big but not too big and insulated well enough to be an all season recreational vehicle. It could be my home as I travel the country visiting friends and family. Have house – will travel.

It’s not an idea unique to me, it seems to be a new trend in a certain segment of the population. The beginning of this whole idea for me was prompted by a decision to leave my solitude behind and be out and about, among people. I was thinking a year of travelling maybe. The plan has grown far beyond that now.

To move forward with this idea I need to investigate a big vehicle like this to see if I even feel comfortable driving it. A test drive has to be on hold for now though because this is the summer all my kids are in town. We have plans. Next weekend we are heading out camping. In tents. It will be fun.

I was looking forward to a ladies kayaking afternoon but it might not be a good idea for me to go with them. My tail bone is still sore from the two hours spent with one of my grandsons last weekend. I noticed the seat had no padding but like the novice that I am it didn’t occur to me until it was much too late to be concerned. We had a good time and I wouldn’t change a thing. I loved the experience and he was happy just to be on the water.

Most of my activities this week involved sitting, aggravating the sore bone even more. I need a stand up desk. Hmmm. I don’t think that would work well in an RV.

The picture above is along the lines of what I’m thinking of only a little bigger.

But, back to the present…

I had a good time tonight pulling overgrown weeds in my front flower bed. With all the rain and then heat we’ve had this summer everything has grown like a jungle. I’d swear you could watch them grow. It’s a good thing it’s the weekend, I hope to get lots cleaned up and looking pretty over the next two days.

I’m planning to enjoy the weekend. Wishing you a great weekend too.

Photo by Spencer Gurley Films on Pexels.com

This looks a bit like the lake we were on.

I had beginners luck (not knowing what I was doing) and my jeans were soaked from water falling off the paddles. Who knew they shouldn’t be raised so high.

This and that June 20, 2022

June 20, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

It’s hard to think when it’s hot. Which means it’s not easy stringing words together for a coherent blog post. Thank goodness for air conditioning or it would be even worse. This is going to have to be one of those just start talking posts.

I can’t imagine that I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. I feel like writing but that thought alone is enough to keep me from it. I think I will press ahead anyway. I’m curious to see what will come out of my mouth if I do. I can always delete it if it’s too terrible.

There are a couple of things I’m feeling excited about. We are planning a family camping trip in July, that is exciting. It has been a very long time since the last one. It will be a family reunion of sorts. We are widely scattered these days, some of us more than others, and this time together has been a long time coming, especially due to the events of the last two years.

The campground reservations are made and paid for and serious planning is underway to make sure we have enough equipment and food to keep everyone happy. The best thing about camping is, it is “days off” for the whole time. No work (job), no phone, no internet. It’s like hiding out from the world playing all day every day without feeling guilty.

There will be water and fishing, maybe swimming, although I’m sure the water will still be pretty cold. Definitely a boat. Time to sit and visit, read, soak up a few rays of sunshine. Informal meals around the campfire. wiener roasts, marshmallow roast and s’mores. (a hot melted marshmallow squished with a piece of chocolate bar between two cookies. Hot coffee and pancakes on a cool morning and hot chocolate around the campfire in the cool of the evening. And games, lots of games.

Our family has a long history of camping. We started before the kids were born and that was our holiday of choice every year until summer jobs got in the way. This year will be special because we are beginning to lose the next generation to jobs and summer jobs.

Life flies by at an alarming rate. One more reason to savor every moment we have together as a family.

I said I was excited about a couple of things. I’ll save the next thing for another time. I want to camp on this nostalgic thought spot for awhile.

If you have never tried camping you should. Especially if you can handle a simpler life. There is nothing like it to recharge the batteries.

I will admit, it is not a five star experience. But for those who don’t care about those kinds of stars, it is wonderful.

This and that kind of day June 18, 2022

June 18, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

This is one of those days when the only option is to cover whatever. Nothing of significance going on. Loads of insignificant though.

I thought I’d make this post a bit of a learning experience hence the rounded picture. I was hoping to put a Spring is Here caption across the Lilac bush, I saw that feature available somewhere along the line and, sadly, I haven’t been able to find it since. At least we have a new shape so all is no lost.

It has been a crazy stormy, rainy spring here and that means when things start to grow they grow fast. We can practically watch it happen.

I tried to capture video of the wild weather but I wasn’t fast enough for the best of the wild storms. I did catch some of the heavy but less spectacular moments and now I need to learn how to edit. The first part of the 55 second video should be edited out but since I don’t know how yet we will have to leave it in. (I know how long it takes to learn things, way too long for this post but I am motivated to learn.)

In the end the storm video will be abandoned. It wants to lay sideways and I haven’t figured out how to turn it right side up. It seems like everything has to be complicated? Something more to learn another day.

In the end, the Irises are starting to bloom, looking pretty, and the weeds are growing like crazy.

It’s a challenge to keep ahead of it all when it grows so fast. Especially with all the rain we’ve had. Between the muddy flower beds and pesky mosquitoes who wants to pull weeds anyway?

Around here spring quickly turns into summer so I am making the most of appreciating this stage of the growing season.

I hear it is supposed to be 35c here tomorrow. That’s crazy since it is 22c so far today and has been coolish for the last couple of weeks.

We live life on the edge when it comes to weather around here.

How are things at your house?

This and that May 13, 2022

May 13, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

Not quite this far yet, but soon.

This is a just-start-talking kind of day. I have nothing earth shattering in mind to talk about so this will be a whole lot of not much.

It has been crazy windy here all day. It sounds like a wind tunnel running between the houses and it’s loud. I was wishing I had the data capacity on my phone to record a couple of hours of it, sound and all. The sky looked like it should be stormy but hadn’t rained. Yet. I’d put off running errands until the last minute, glad it was still dry out there.

A good tail wind helps a person get to the store faster. That was the first observation. But the funniest thing about it all, the rain waited all day to pour down just as I reached the car with my purchases. A shopping trip cut short. It waited all day to soak me at the last possible moment. Even funnier was that in the five minute drive home it stopped raining altogether. Oh well, I had my new furnace filters.

I change them regularly and usually they are lightly dirty. I forgot that this time of year between heavy wind and the blowing sand left from winter streets, things change. This time it was colored like charcoal. No wonder I’m having coughing fits.

This has been a week for family birthdays, can’t forget that, and the post office has been delivering heavy boxes belonging to some family members moving back home from a foreign country. It has taken months for them to arrive by ground and it’s awesome to see most of them finally here and in good shape.

Several days earlier in the week the weather was beautiful and it was good to get out in the yard for post winter cleanup. One never knows how out of shape they are until they try vigorously raking leaves for a couple of hours. It took several days for the muscle stiffness to disappear but after that first time it was much easier.

I always dread the brownness of the world once the snow disappears but then with good weather green starts popping up everywhere and the yard looks fresh and beautiful.

There are lots of things on my mind these days but the owners of the recently arrived boxes will be here soon, for a number of weeks, and I need to be ready for a full house. I can hardly wait.

This and that May 05, 2022

May 5, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

It has been a record breaking year. Before I get into that I have to say it has been another no book day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

And I have to say it was a busy day. I work as an administrative contractor and everything is based on work load and billable hours. All of a sudden things are picking up. People are needing things done. And I couldn’t be happier. I’m probably more excited about the jobs coming in than I am about the record breaking.

This week is the 15th anniversary of my job. That’s longer than any other employment I’ve ever had. The last longest was 10 years and I thought that was amazing. It isn’t that I was a job hopper, it was just life getting in the way. Mind you I can’t say I minded moving on, mainly because there were life changes behind all of them and I am always up for an adventure. That was then and this is now though. I am more settled and I am in this job for the long haul.

And for the second record broken; this will be the 10th anniversary in this house. They say we are molded by the circumstances of our childhoods. By the time I was six we had lived in five difference houses. One of them was twice but to a young kid it was still a move and felt different, a strange place. Although my memories of those years are pretty sketchy and maybe my assumptions about all this are off base. However it was, a nomad existence seemes to be in my blood, which made all the adult moves feel like no big deal.

My oldest son does not share my love of adventure (aided by my lack of roots anywhere) and he has his feet firmly planted with no plans to leave, maybe ever. It’s funny how differently we react to things. Mind you, the other circumstances of our childhoods were as different as night and day. That was probably a bigger influence. Of the three he is most like me, which is why I can’t understand his dislike of travel.

I should have started this earlier, now I’ve run out of time.

Until next time, have a good night, or day

I’m Not Gonna Worry – April 27, 2022

April 27, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

A fellow blogger shared some tried and true rules for a good life. There were ten and one of them was Never worry.

I have been doing some of that this last while. Fussing over some possible changes coming in my life. Worrying because I don’t know if it will work out, how it will work out, should it work out. If it doesn’t what will I do.

I want to take on a challenge that will require more from me than I have ever put into anything I’ve ever done before. There is always a hurry up and wait time with these things. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing. My vision is being refined as the days go by. Maybe things won’t move until I have worked through all of the details just right.

I try not to indulge in worry because it doesn’t accomplish anything except to make me feel dejected and discouraged. Discouraged is a good word for the way I’ve felt the last week or two. Today’s beautiful sunny day following on the heels of a week or two of a winter storm helped significantly. There is nothing as cheerful as blue skies.

The thought of not worrying reminded me of a song that always lifts my sagging spirits.

I need to listen to it another time or two yet before lights out tonight.

Maybe this will help with end of winter sagging spirits for you too.

I hope it will.

Enjoy

Weather is such a boring topic April 24, 2022

April 24, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

Well, it is. Mainly because we all have weather where we live and it all consists of the same elements – precipitation and sunshine with a little wind mixed in. Oh, and hot and cold, or variations of them.

It’s amazing too, or maybe not so amazing, how the same weather patterns can stretch across huge areas, continents even. Probably not north and south so much but for sure east and west.

Weather, as a topic, is boring and yet we are consumed with it. We wake up happy if the sun is shinning in a cloudless sky and abandon our plans for the day if it is pouring down rain. Well, some of us abandon our plans, others shrug and go about their business anyway.

I decided all the errands on my to-do-list yesterday could wait for a better day. When the booming thunder and lightening, and the deluge of rain started in earnest I was slightly sorry I hadn’t gone out earlier.

When the kids were little we used to tell them all that banging around was just God moving furniture in heaven, (they were wise enough not to believe it but it was a fun story.) Not only was he moving it yesterday afternoon, and loudly at that, but there was more to be done at 3 am, It made for a short night, sleep-wise, I’ll tell you that.

It’s been raining and now snowing most of the day but I missed out on it while catching up on my beauty sleep. I do feel more awake now than I did at 8 this morning, and that’s saying a lot.

At least the weather hasn’t kept me from catching up on reading, although maybe that’s not totally true. I keep forgetting about nap time.

Interruptions and unexpected events keep life interesting, don’t you think?

A whole lot of nothing April 21, 2022

April 21, 2022 / For the Love of Books / Leave a comment

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

That’s what I have today, nothing earth shattering that’s for sure.

I’ve been working more hours lately. The exciting thing about all this is that we have started making progress on older projects that have been on the back burner, forever it seems. All of them for one reason or another. We are finally getting some things done and off the list, which is mood altering in a good way.

Of course, working on these projects means more time spent with clients. It has been awhile since we’ve had reason for more than a brief how-are-things email. I’m blessed with such a great bunch of people to work with. It is a pleasure to hear their voices again and spend time with them sorting things out.

Personal activities have suffered some in the last few weeks, with less attention coming their way. Not that they have been totally forgotten. I’m still reading, although live streamers and podcasts are cutting into book and blog times. Maybe that is partly because the river of life moves on and interests shift. That’s not a bad thing, it’s hard to keep moving and growing if we find ourselves stuck in one spot.

My daughter has branched out into a new area of interest. I’ve been the crafter in the family but it didn’t rub off on her, she’s never showed much interest until now. Some of her friends are crocheting baby outfits and blankets to be given to new mothers and she wants to be involved. It made my heart smile to get the call asking if I had crochet hooks and a ball of yarn she could practice with. Do I have hooks and yarn? Does the sun rise every morning? I am a collector of yarn and hooks. I’ll be excited to share a bunch with my grand daughter too, when she and her family visits soon. I sure haven’t been using it much and since my grand daughter has become quite the little crochet artist she is excited to have new supplies. She’s looking forward to making more memories together too. It all began for her at my house.

Family time over Easter was a special treat, like always. Although toward the end of the evening it was becoming a challenge to stay awake. With everyone bringing something for the meal there is always so much food. The teenagers were fine, it was the rest of us who couldn’t eat like we used to. The upside to all this food is that mom, or dad won’t be cooking for a few days and the teenagers will still be fed. Who is going to complain about that.

Well, for not having much to say this has gone on longer than expected. I don’t know about you but I always enjoy times like this spent with you.

So what kind of nothings are happening in your life? We would like to get to know you too. Leave a comment for us. Looking forward to it.

Night guys.

For the Love of Books

The One to Capture Your Interest

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